Five Things Barney Stinson Wants

Rating: M

Summary: Post season 6. When Nora files for divorce, Barney searches for the new normal.

Rating: M

Disclaimer; I do not own HIMYM or anything vaguely related. This is only my own what if imagining.

First thing: a lawyer.

Flattery came first, and easiest, to Barney, so that was how he began when Lily opened the door to him on a late autumn afternoon. She had her hair in two messy braids that made her look like a pregnant Pippi Longstocking in one of Marshall's t-shirts, a streak of pale green paint decorating one cheek. Never mind that it was the middle of a work day and both he and Marshall should have been behind their respective desks.

He'd come precisely because Marshall should be at work, and that would mean he could put this off that much longer, but sometimes the universe had funny plans. If Marshall was home, that meant Barney was supposed to do this. Say words, he told himself, any words, and work up to the important ones. "Hello, Lily, my, aren't you glowing? Harboring new life certainly agrees with you. Is Marshall home?" His gut clenched and he had to will himself not to propose some spontaneous bros-only outing instead of getting down to business.

"Yeah, he took a personal day. The paint we ordered came and he didn't want to wait for the weekend," she answered, then called Marshall's name, her brows pinching as she settled her patented emotional trauma scan on Barney. "Are you okay?"

Marshall emerged from the baby's room half a heartbeat later, so paint splattered that if this visit were for any other reason, Barney could have done a solid five minutes ranking on how awful he looked. Instead, he reached into his jacket pocket to retrieve a long blue legal envelope. "I need a lawyer." He placed envelope in Marshall's hand. "Nora filed for divorce."

"Is this an oh no kind of divorce or a that bitch kind of divorce?" Lily asked. "I can go either way, but the hormones need a direction. What happened?"

"Good question." Barney wasn't sure, himself. "Nora said I'm not the man she fell in love with." He couldn't argue with that. "I don't know what happened. I was an awesome husband." Was, he noted, not am. Already, he thought of his life with Nora in the past tense and it didn't bother him. He'd been an awesome husband. He gave Nora everything she wanted. The house in Westchester, complete with white picket fence and flower garden for example. Nora could keep that with his blessing. Imported heirloom English roses and all.

He knew he shouldn't have let the apartment go, but he did, because that was what it took to make Nora happy at the time, and, at the time, that was all he cared about. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

Marshall removed the papers from the envelope. "Do you want me to contest this?"

"No," Barney replied, his voice weary. "Give her whatever she wants. All I want is for this to be over and me to get my old life back."

Lily guided Barney to the couch and sat next to him. "Life can't go back to the way it was before. You're getting a divorce. This is huge. It's okay to admit you're having a hard time with all the changes involved."

"Please. The only change I care about is the extra pocket change I have to throw at your husband to get this pushed through as soon as possible."

Marshall looked at the check and whistled. "Are you sure about this? Throwing away a marriage isn't something to do lightly. If there's any chance you and Nora can patch things up, you should do everything you can to fix things."

Barney shook his head. "There's no chance. Make that less than none. Nora and I weren't like you and Lily. We were playing house. Game's over. Nobody won."

"Okay, in that case," Marshall replied, "Nora's requests are pretty straightforward. She's not asking for spousal support. Is there any chance she might be pregnant?"

"No." Barney didn't tell Marshall exactly how certain of that fact he was. Less than no chance, at least where he was concerned. Marshall and Lily didn't need to know everything.

Marshall turned the page. "She wants to retain the family home. Are you okay with that?"

"I'm fine," Barney answered. "Perfectly fine. It's her home. We were never a family. Can we please talk about something else now? Who wants to join me for some laser tag? Lily, you saucy minx, I bet you have some hormonal rage begging to be unleashed."

Lily rubbed the swell of her belly. "Sorry, Barney. I can't play laser tag when I'm pregnant. We have Scrabble or Hungry Hungry Hippos."

Barney ignored Lily's suggestions. "Marshall?"

Marshall's eyes widened. He'd found the retainer check, then. "Normally, I would, but if you want this done as quickly as possible, I'm going to want to get in touch with Nora's lawyer. I'm going to have to do some research to see if you have any interest in Nora's assets in the United Kingdom. Plus I need to deposit a honking big check a new client gave me."

He'd paid too much. He knew that, but it was worth it to see Marshall's expression and the far from subtle thumbs up sign Marshall flashed Lily. "Of course I don't have any interest in Nora's assets. I'm getting a divorce from her, duh. Her assets are some other guy's problem. Never mind, I can fly solo. It's a big city. I'll find something."