Warning: May Trigger.
Rated M for Sexual themes, yaoi, suggestive content and cutting.
MattxMello
Death Note (c) Not me.
Chapter 1 - The begining
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Mellos POV
I'd always wondered what it felt like to cut.
I mean, don't get me wrong here, but. We all wonder at some point in our lives, right? What does it feel like? To bleed out your feelings? Why do the people who do it like it so damn much?
I was just curious about stuff like that.
Not untill one day, when i was making myself a peanut butter and jam sandwhich, did the sparkling of the silver knife sitting out on the counter call my name.
The sunlight shined down on it. I completly forgot what i was doing as I slowly stepped towards it. I picked it up, holding it firm in my hand.
Was i actually going to try this?
I examined the blade all over, feeling the smooth edges. i pressed it against my finger. not hard enough to break any skin, though. My hand was trembling as i brought the blade to my arm. The cold stainless steel stung my skin as they touched.
All i had to do now was push down, and i did. I sliced a perfect horiztonal cut, and watched it for a moment. Little crimson beads began to appear as the wound tingled. I pressed the razor against my skin again, this time, pushing a little deeper. More blood appeared and flowed smoothly off my wrist. I watched, fasicanted, amazed by how all my thoughts had completly dissapeared for a moment.
I brought myself to think this one thought. The one thought that i had no idea would rule my life for the next few years.
What happens when this feeling goes away?
Will i bring myself to do this again?
No, Mello. Of course not, Thats silly. This was a one time thing.
But i heard a little voice in the back of my head murmur:
Was it?
And thats how it all got started...
And yet, 4 years had past, but why was i still doing it? I wasn't addicted to it. I could stop if i wanted too. I didn't have a problem. But man, did it ever feel good. As dumb as that probably sounds, the emptiness i felt inside... that black hole... when i cut, it filled up. Even if it was with pain, i'd rather feel that then nothing.
"Mello?" Matt mumured softly, awaking me from my daze.
I jumped upright, realizing where i was.
In the middle of Biology class, thats where. I silently wondered why of all times would i come to think of this? I usually day dream about other stuff.
Matt reached under the table and grabbed my hand. He squeezed it slightly. "You okay?" He mumured, stroking my thumb with his index finger. Butterflies shot of in my stomach. That happened whenever Matt touched me.
Ah, Matt. The best thing in my life, My best friend since 6th grade, and my boyfriend since 10th. (We were now in 11th)
"Yes." I sighed quietly, such a lie... "I was just thinking about something."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Matt replied.
"I'd prefer not too. Thanks, though." I frowned.
Matt examined my face for a second, before the teacher smacked her ruler upon our desks, getting our attention.
When the bell rang, I hurridley ran out of class. It was lunch time. I ran through the hall ways, tripping over every 8th grader in site. Eventually, i made it to my locker. I chucked my books inside, only to have them fall right back out again. I groaned, picking them up and setting them in a messy stack on one of the shelves of my locker. I closed it quickly, locked it and turned to run to the cafeteria.
I stopped when i felt stripped sleeved arms wrap around me, pulling me to a hault.
"Why such a rush, Mel?" A voice mumured, a voice that could only be reconized as Matt. "I'll walk you to the cafeteria. You seem unsteady today."
His hand gripped mine as we made our ways through the hall ways, getting the usual odd stares from the younger grades.
We entered the cafeteria, hands still intwined as we headed over to a table were Ryuzaki, Light, and Misa were seated. Misa was clinged to Light's arm, rubbing her cheek affectionatly into his sleeve. Light didn't seem to care, although he didn't seem to like her there, either.
"Hey Matt, Mello." Light piped up, lifting his hand in a wave. Misa automatically stopped, and waved too. Ryuzaki just sat there, munching at a hard candy and fiddling with a spoon.
We sat at the table beside them. Matt instantly got into deep conversation with Light. As they talked about the latest Calculus test, i subconciously ran my fingers over top of my wrists, tracing the jagged scars. I accidently touched a raw one. I flinched in pain, immediatly pulling my sleeve back over my arm.
Matt looks over at me, "What?"
I bit my lip. "Nothing, Nevermind." I attempted a cute smile, which probably looked horrible with my nasty scar on the side of my face. It was a burn wound from when i was little, i attempted the spitting fire trick. You know, the one where you put gasoline in your mouth and spit it out and light it? Yea, Don't try that. Chances are you'll do it wrong, like I did.
Matt nodds, his eyebrows furrowed a bit. I could tell he didn't believe me. It was obvious. I scratched my cheek awkwardly, drifting off into deep thought once again. My thoughts gripped me, the urge to cut rung through my ears, burning at my skin like wild fire, i bit my lip harder. I wouldn't. I wouldn't go to the washroom, lock up the stall and pull out my scalpel. I wasn't going to let that happen, not right now anyway.
"Hey, Mello, what did you think of the Calculus test?" A voice interupted my thoughts. My eyes fixed onto Ryuzaki, who was examining me curiously.
"Oh. Um. It was hard. I guess." I replied, making an attempt to seem like i was in the previous conversation. Ryuzaki shrugged, and went back to chatting with Light. Misa glared, but kept up a conversation with Matt about how hot the singer 'Gackt' was. Matt seemed unintrested, but at least made an attempt.
The lunch bell rang, and the cafeteria started to clear.
I followed Matt, Light and Ryuzaki into the crowded hallways. (Misa had ran off with Lights little sister, Sayu.) Though i had no idea what was going on in the conversation they were having. Feeling like an outcast, but yet i followed them, staring at my shoes. But soon enough, Light and Ryuzaki departchured else where. The silence passed between me and Matt was awkward as we walked through the hall ways, eventually splitting apart and heading to our classes.
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Crappy chapter, yeah?
Oh well, it's good enough.
NEXT CHAPTER: Matt gets suspicous.
Sorry for this shamefully short chapter!
Death Note (c) not me
~ilovecreekanddipx3
