Author: Weird/WeirdRei
Rating: PG (No violence and no swearing)
Genre: General/Angst
Series: Yu Yu Hakusho
Summary: Just a follow-up to "My Silent Tears Grasp Dependence." I was actually working towards Hiei finding a solution to his problem. Well, that didn't really happen, but I at least got a story out about how he's doing a few days after the event. It's pretty good character interaction and introspective, and I like it so far.
A/N: I don't know if there will be another story to continue after this one. I sort of like leaving it off where you don't know how Hiei fairs, but at the same time, I do have an idea on how he can work through it. So we'll see what happens.
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. All characters and places (minus the birdies) are credited to Yoshihiro Togashi. Following tradition with "My Silent Tears…," the title is an alteration of a lyric from a Yu Yu Hakusho song (in this case, "Kokoro wo Tsunaide," a Yuusuke song. If you think about it, a Yuusuke song seems appropriate for this fiction whereas the fact that I used a Kurama/Hiei duet for the last piece sorta fits that, though the first time that wasn't completely intentional).
Every Night has a Sunrise
Even when your frozen feelings
are unexpectedly shaken
by someone's gentleness,
close your eyes and just mutter
that warmth
doesn't suit you.
Tasogare ni Se wo Mukete
A sparrow dipped down in the air, twisting on the wind and finally up righting itself to perch safely on the branch of a nearby tree. Its offspring twittered from their nest as their mother looked down at their naked heads. Their gaping mouths were satisfied as she leaned and pushed her catch down the throats of two of her children before flying off to find more food for the rest.
Neither the sparrow nor her children paid much mind to the black shape resting not three feet below them. Red eyes calmly watched at the mother returned again, and the feeding was repeated. Hiei had taken up residence in that tree two days ago, remaining still enough not to disturb the wildlife around him. He wasn't currently in any mood to move let alone make sudden movements. The youkai still felt sick, and there was too much on his mind.
It was only a matter of time before someone found him. The others had left him to his thoughts for the past three days, politely avoiding him around Genkai's temple for the first day until he got sick of all their tip-toeing and left. But they were not going to let him sulk for the rest of his life, and he knew someone would be sent to talk with him soon.
A light weight fell on his shoulder, and Hiei looked over to see the mother sparrow resting on his cloak. She tilted her head to the side, examining this person who had been quietly living with her. The cautious twittering coming from her almost made it seem as though she was asking him if everything was fine. Slowly, Hiei lifted his hand towards her, and she hopped onto the finger held out for her, continuing to speak to him as though he could understand her concerns.
"I didn't know you were the nature type." The sparrow flew away from Hiei, startled at the sound of the voice. Wary and mildly irritated at having his peace interrupted, Hiei looked down at the person standing below him. "Hey Hiei."
"I thought you would have sent Kurama first," he replied, watching Yuusuke lean up against the trunk of the tree. Great. The detective was getting comfortable, which meant he wasn't planning to leave anytime soon.
Yuusuke sighed. "Yeah, well, we both know how much patience I have. I couldn't wait any longer."
There was nothing to say after that. Neither of the two were the type to start small talk. Both knew what they were supposed to talk about, but neither was willing to start the conversation. Filling the silence with meaningless words would get them nowhere. They couldn't simply pretend.
"Well," Hiei finally said. "You came here for a reason, didn't you? So get on with it already." It wasn't like he had to listen to what Yuusuke had to say anyway. The detective would merely try to reassure him that everything was fine, that Hiei wasn't a bad person, that his fear didn't make him weak. And Hiei could pretend that he cared.
Yuusuke stared ahead into the forest, unwilling to look his friend in the eyes. "Are you still scared of me?" he asked.
The question was unexpected, and Hiei had to take a moment to make sure he had heard correctly.
He chuckled. "Me, scared of you?" But he knew that façade hadn't worked, so he thought about it a little longer. "No," Hiei finally decided. "It was just a dream. You're too much of a hero to play the part of a villain."
"But you were able to see me as the bad guy," Yuusuke softly replied. "And you believed it the entire time I was hitting you. If you were able to believe it, there must be something in me that makes you think I could be like that."
What was this? Hiei's dream was supposed to have shaken his moral standing not Yuusuke's. Instead of getting a pep talk, he was the one reassuring.
Hiei smiled scornfully at the detective's childish attitude. "So, are you saying that everything you perceive about this world is the way it actually is?" When there wasn't an immediate answer, Hiei looked down to see Yuusuke's reaction. An irritated sigh escaped him as those brown eyes just stared at him in confusion. "What I meant was what we believe and what happens aren't always the same. I believe anyone can betray you. Does this mean you actually will do so detective? Most likely not. But I keep the possibility open."
"So what you're saying is that the only reason we hurt you in that dream is because you believe we could. But really we wouldn't. Or something?" Yuusuke obviously was having trouble wrapping his brain around the whole perception verses reality debate, and Hiei was beginning to wish Kurama was here instead.
"Just forget about it," Hiei replied. He wasn't in the mood for long discussions anyway, and it annoyed him when the other party couldn't grasp the concept after a simple explanation.
"No, I think I get it." Yuusuke crossed his arms, face twisted in a contemplative expression. For once, he was using his head. Hiei was almost flattered at the effort. "It's not what we'd actually do, but it's what you think we would actually do." He looked back up at Hiei. "What I don't understand is how someone like you, being Mr. Straight-forward and all, would ignore what's real and believe something that's fake."
Red eyes looked to the side rather than face their opponent straight on. Yuusuke's perceptiveness was sometimes startling. Hiei shifted awkwardly in his perch. "Is it unreal to believe that anyone, even those you've learned to trust, could reject you?" he asked.
"No," Yuusuke admitted. "But someone once taught me that you'll never get anywhere if you're always holding back incase things don't work out. And I have to admit, she makes a good point. The only reason I'm this strong is because I've committed myself all the way to someone."
What had started out as an interesting conversation had slowly turned into a pep talk, and Hiei wasn't the least bit happy with it. "Well that's fine for you," he muttered, "but some of us understand the way the world actually works."
Below him, Hiei heard Yuusuke sigh and shuffle around a bit. It looked as if the teen wanted to say something else but wasn't sure what else there was to say. Hiei was unwilling to be the one that moved from this debate; after all, Yuusuke had intruded on his territory, not the other way around. The detective would leave when the silence became too uncomfortable for him.
"Hey Hiei." The youkai boredly looked down. "You never asked who I committed myself to."
As if he cared. "I'm no fool detective," Hiei said. "I know your feelings for that woman."
Yuusuke grinned, and Hiei felt uneasy at his gaze. It reminded him of the way Kurama had looked at him when carrying him back from the cave. "Well, Keiko's part of the equation, I won't lie. But it's not just her. It's all of my friends. And before you ignore me, that includes you too."
They stared at each other for a long moment, Yuusuke conveying unnerving confidence and Hiei feeling overwhelmed. He was sick of this already. Sick of their stupid caring act. Why couldn't they just leave him alone already? A small, non-committal grunt escaped him before Hiei broke eye contact, closing his eyes and leaning back.
"Look, I have one more thing to say before I go." Hiei didn't bother opening his eyes, but he paid attention to Yuusuke all the same. "I know trusting other people isn't your thing, and I'm not going to ride you about it. You are my friend, Hiei, and whatever you decide about us, I still want you to come back. We all worry about you, even Kuwabara. Heck, I'm even making all the effort to go through this sappy talk with you. Just remember that, ok?"
Yuusuke stuck around for a little longer to see if Hiei would reply, but the small youkai refused to budge. Hiei listened attentively until the faint sounds of crunching leaves faded into the forest, taking Yuusuke with them. And then he was left only with his own thoughts.
Everything was so confused. Why did Yuusuke have to come and complicate his life? Hiei only felt bitter towards the detective for caring. If only Yuusuke had stayed away, if only Hiei hadn't gone to that cave, if only he hadn't agreed to that stupid parole, if only…
A soft twittering next to his ear caused him to open his eyes. The mother sparrow was on his shoulder again, tilting her head and singing away her concern. Hiei bit the inside of his cheek, hands clenched to his sides as he stared sullenly at his knees. She fluttered into his view, hopping around on his knees as she quietly chirped.
"Go away," he muttered.
She quietly looked at him and then took off.
