There was something in bed with him. Not just in the bed, but under the covers. Moving.
Thorin gulped, his mind filled with creeping thoughts of shadowy monsters from the deepest mines, come to gobble up young, misbehaving dwarflings. Such thoughts hadn't entered his mind in decades, not since Fili and Kili had outgrown the shock value of such tales, but the return to the rooms of his childhood had put him in a strange mood.
He shifted his foot slightly out of the creature's path. The thing followed.
In the dim, greenish glow of the pot of cave moss in the corner, Thorin could see the creature as little more than a lump near the foot of the bed. He watched in paralyzed horror as it came closer and closer, moving in short twitches that made the coverlet bunch dramatically and then relax once more in the wake of its passing. Thorin wracked his brain, but he could think of no creature of the mountain that would move in such a fashion. The prick of something sharp against the bottom of his foot sent him fumbling for the dagger under his pillow.
His hand found the hilt at last, and he surged up into a fighting stance, or the closest approximation he could manage among the blankets. The creature had gone stone still. Thorin fortified himself with a deep breath, then jerked the coverlet back to reveal –
A cat.
Or more precisely, a kitten, crouched down against the sheets as though expecting an attack.
"Mahal preserve us," Thorin breathed, sinking to his knees on the bed. His one condition, the only condition, to allowing these beasts into his beloved Erebor, had been that they stay out of his way. That meant staying clear of his chambers, especially when he was asleep in them. He laid the dagger back on the bed and then smashed his pillow down over it in a fit of pique before turning back to the fluffy invader.
"And what are you looking at, beastling?" he groused. He felt gingerly at the bandages encircling his head, and his fingers came away bloody. Oin would be furious at him for getting worked up again. "And over what?" he asked aloud, though of course the kitten did not answer. "Some flea infested bag of bones, hauled up here by a housewife from Dale? You look more likely to be a meal for a rat than to make a meal of one." He poked at the kitten uncertainly, as it had not yet moved from where it cowered before him. It pushed up into the touch, and Thorin jerked his hand back, startled.
The spell was broken. The kitten straightened up and chirruped at him. Thorin poked it again. It rose up to its tiptoes and began to strut about the bed, all bluster and curiosity, as though Thorin hadn't frightened it half to death mere moments before.
Thorin let out an exasperated half-chuckle at the kitten's antics. "I assure you there are no rats in the king's bed, beastling."
At the sound of Thorin's voice, the little cat tucked its head between its paws, upside down, and stared up at him with huge eyes. It's back half, set off balance by the inversion of its front, flopped down onto the coverlet, and the cat rolled to stick all four legs straight up in the air. One forepaw reached out toward Thorin and batted at the air as the creature writhed across the bed toward him, like some bizarrely fuzzy eel. Thorin felt the corner of his mouth quirk the slightest bit upwards.
"Mahal preserve us from the darlings of men. What is it you want me to do, beastling?" The cat jumped to its feet and then repeated the whole flop-and-writhe process again, closer this time. When it bumped into his knee, the cat stopped writhing to stare at him upside down again. "How did you even get in here? Slither under the door?" The cat chirruped and batted the air again. Thorin's bemused smirk grew into a full smile, and he reached out to scratch at the creature's invitingly soft belly. "You're not so bad, then, are you, beastling?"
Claws and teeth snapped shut around his hand like a bear trap.
Thorin roared at the unexpected attack and jerked his hand back. He overbalanced and tumbled off the bed with a resounding crash. The thundering of bootstrikes in the hallway heralded the arrival of reinforcements mere moments later. Two guards shoved their way through the doorway with swords drawn, followed closely by Fili and Kili.
"Uncle," his nephews chorused, "what is it?"
Thorin was certain he presented quite the sight, crouching on the floor among his scattered bedding, clutching his bleeding hand to his chest. He cleared his throat and stood, careful to remain well out of reach of the cat, which was watching, upside down again, from the middle of his bed. "Nothing," he said. He dropped his hand down to his side in what he hoped was a casual motion. "I was merely startled when I fell out of bed. Too many nights sleeping on the hard ground." He forced out a chuckle and hoped the dimness of the chamber would disguise the blood-soaked bandage on his head.
Thankfully, the other dwarves sheathed their swords with laughs of their own. The two guards bowed and left quickly, but Fili waited by the door while his brother crossed to the bed. "Dwally!" To Thorin's astonishment, Kili scooped the little cat up with one hand and planted a kiss on its forehead.
"Dwally?" Thorin wasn't entirely certain he wanted to know.
Kili was too enamored with the kitten to answer, but Fili grinned and spoke up. "'Wee Master Dwalin.' He thinks it's cute."
Kili shot a glare at his brother over his shoulder. "That's because it is cute," he insisted. "Isn't it, Dwally?" Fili just laughed.
"Does the real Master Dwalin know about this?" Thorin asked, scrubbing his hands over his face to hide his smile. It wouldn't do to have Dwalin think he'd been encouraging Kili.
"Of course he doesn't," Fili chimed happily. He was clearly enjoying the whole situation immensely, but Thorin didn't miss the way Fili's sharp eyes caught the blood on his hand and face. To his credit, he didn't say a word about it. Instead, he laughed again. "Balin knows, though—and thoroughly approves."
Thorin started to reply but was brought up short by a dreadful grinding noise. "What in Durin's name is that?" he roared.
"Dwally's just happy to see me," Kili cooed at the kitten in his arms. "Aren't you, Dwally?"
Fili spoke up once more. "It's called 'purring.' The humans said it's what they do when they're happy."
"Well, go make it happy somewhere else," Thorin barked.
