Disclaimer: Dude, don't even try to get me started.
I am a child. I am just a child in a tiny public school with a good number of seatmates, of classmates, of batchmates, of schoolmates. I can stand on my own. I make my own decisions. I do what I want, say what I want, think what I want, act what I want. I don't let everyone dig deep into me and play me like a little puppet. I am my own person.
(Really, child? But aren't they the reason why you're always so ? Aren't they the ones who force out those petty, fake smiles? Aren't they the ones making you perfect?)
I am not perfect. I get mad. I become sad. I hesitate. I become annoyed. There are times I don't please everyone. I disapprove. I disagree. I retaliate. I answer back. I have my faults. I KNOW people see my faults. I am not always happy. I do not smile all the time. I do not always make everything flawless. I am not perfect.
(Don't lie. You know you are, you know, know, know, know. You know you always smile. You always please. You always perfect. You're perfect, child. You'll always be perfect.)
I don't let people control me! I am free! I am in control with myself. I am what I want. I am not what he wants, what she wants, what they want, what you want. I do not let them choose for me! I do not let them think for me! I do not let them talk for me! I do not, do not, do NOT.
(Then why are you crying, dear? Why are you crying and shouting and cursing and covering you ears? No. You know you do. You know you are. Don't deny it, child, don't deny it.)
I do not deny anything! I am normal! I am flawed! I am me! ME! No one can change that! I am not perfect!! Not flawless!! Not impeccable!! Not anything!! I do not hide my faults! I do not pretend! I know what I am. I know what I feel. I know what I want.
(No. No, you don't. You feel what they want you to feel. You want what they want you to want. You are what they want you to be.)
NO!! Nononononononono! It's-it's not like that! I-I'm not…I'm not that! They-he-you…no… You're a liar. You lie! Lie, lie, lie, lie, LIE. That's not true. I-I'm…. I am…. I…am…
(You are what they made you. You are what they forced you to be. You are not yourself. You are their puppet, you are their doll, you are their toy. You are Little Miss Perfect.)
Please…please, leave me alone…I…
(Hush, child. I know it is not okay, but someone is coming. It is not important what you think. It is time to act. Pretend. You are Lila Sawyer. You are not you.)
Oh the angst! D: I miss doing those….No better way to release all stress than writing them all down in a nice little piece of angst. Though this isn't as angsty as I really wanted it to be. Oh wellsh, what's done is done.
I got this when it sort of hit me that everyone always made Lila so perfect that she was a fake. That she was doing it to fool everyone else. I decided to look at this too-perfect-to-be-true in a whole new perspective. Something that made Lila seem so much less at fault and so much more a victim. What I originally thought would have been longer, but I liked this idea, so why not?
This idea's been playing in my head for a long time now. I guess it was either I was doing something else, I was lazy, or I didn't have any inspiration.
