A weird and probably flame-worthy idea. A Harry Potter parody using Artemis & co. uh..just read it.
Forget everything you know about Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter & co. Read this like a new story, and don't flame because they're OOC, please. They're meant to be that way.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
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Cast:
Harry Potter: Artemis Fowl
Ron Weasley: Mulch Diggums
Hermione Granger: Juliet Butler (yes, I know. Just trust me on this)
Hagrid: Domovoi Butler
Fred & George weasley: Trouble & Grub Kelp
Albus Dumbledore: Commander Root
Draco Malfoy: Jon Spiro
Voldemort (except the good-guy and female): Holly Short
Quirrel: Goblin leader
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Butler: Artemis, it's time that you know something.
Artemis: Don't be ridiculous, I know everything
Butler: You're a fairy, Arty
Artemis: IIII didn't know that.
Butler: Yer going to Rootwarts academy of sprite-craft an' elvery
Artemis: Say what now? Does my mother know about this?
Butler: Of course she knows! She went there herself. Actually, it was an evil elf that made her go insane, sunk the Fowl star and made that mark on your face.
*A black eye suddenly appears on Artemis's face.*
Artemis: You said all that happened in a car crash!
Butler: No I didn't
Artemis: Yes you did
Butler: No I didn't
Artemis: Yes you did
Butler No I didn't
Artemis: Yes you did
Butler: No I didn't
Artemis: Yes you did
Butler: No I - Oh wait. I did. My mistake.
Artemis: So, why did the evil elf do all those things?
Butler: A prophecy was made that you would one day kidnap her. So Holly broke into your home and punched you, leaving that mark on your face.
Artemis: Holly?
Butler: Shhh! We do not say her name!
Artemis: But you just said-
Butler: Shhh!
Artemis: *Sigh* fine then
Butler: What makes you special is the fact that you lived after being punched. Nobody who was punched by she-who-must-be-referred-to-with-ridiculously-long-and-tedious-names has ever survived.
Artemis: And there's the fact that I'm a criminal genius.
Butler: There's that too. But you're the boy who lived.
Artemis: O-kay then.
Artemis: So you want me to go to some academy where I will most likely come face-to-face with she-who-must-be-referred-to-with-ridiculously-long-and-tedious-names at least once a year?
Butler: Basically
Artemis: Why didn't you just say so?
Butler: Now follow me, I will take you to a super-secret-magic-shop-street.
Artemis: Oooh.
*Butler leads the way through a super-secret wall*
Artemis: *Looking around* This is Marks and Spencer's, Butler.
Butler: Oh crap. Oh well, you can buy yer basic junk here.
Artemis: Why did you start talking like that?
Butler: Like wha?
Artemis: Like some English half-wit.
Butler: *shrugging* Well if the shoe fits.
*Artemis gets on the Rootwarts express*
Mulch: Hey, I'm an unwanted sibling who hasn't got a penny to rub together but I pretend like it doesn't bother me. You wanna be my best friend?
Artemis: Not real-
Mulch: I can help you steal stuff.
Artemis: Sure.
Mulch: You wanna see me do some magic?
Artemis: No.
Mulch: Well you can't because I don't have any. You wanna see me beat stuff up? I have this swear toad pet that I like to practice on.
Artemis: I'm sure Butler's a lot better at it then you.
*Juliet comes in their carriage*
Juliet: Holy cricket, you're Artemis Fowl! You're the boy who lived.
Artemis: Juliet, we live in the same house.
Juliet: Oh yeah.
Mulch: Hey, honey.
Juliet: Eeew. And you are? Actually, never mind, you're probably not too important. *Sees swear toad* Are you trying to beat stuff up? Let's see then.
*Mulch
and Artemis exchange a look*
Mulch: OK
*Mulch opens his bum-flap and fart slams the swear toad out of the carriage*
Juliet: That was fighting? Well, it wasn't very good, was it? I've been trained in a custom blend of martial arts. *Goes outside and picks up swear-toad. Mulch and Artemis are entertained for several minutes*
Juliet:
Take this, smelly toad!
Toad: F***, SH**, Damn, You crazy b****, D'arvit!
All: *stare*
Artemis: The toad can talk???
Toad: Of course I can you dumbass son-of-a-b*****! I'm a frigging swear toad, aren't I?
Artemis: Why you little-
Toad: Also, I'm one of Holly Short's lowly servants who assisted in ruining your whole f***ing life turned into Mulch's Damn pet just so I can get frigging close to you.
Juliet: huh?
Artemis: WHAT?
Toad: Whoops, forget I said that.
All: OK.
Mulch: I'm hungry. Feed me!
Juliet: Shut up!
Mulch: FEED ME!
Artemis: Fine, fine! *takes out some gold*
Juliet & Mulch: Oooh, Pretty!
Artemis: *realising that it's gold he took out* Stay back! It's mine! Mine, you hear? All mine! Mwahahaha!
Butler: You know Arty, that greed's gonna be a problem when ya have to save the day n'all.
Artemis: Where the heck did you come from?
Juliet: Heck? Who taught you to swear? You've just spent five minutes with an evil swear-toad. You would think you'd learned something!
Toad: Hey, I thought I told you b****es to forget I said anything.
Juliet: Oh yeah, myyy mistake.
Butler: The train ride's over now. You're at Rootwarts Academy of-
Artemis: Sprite-craft and elvery, yes we know Butler.
Butler: *sticks his tongue out*
Artemis: The question is: what are you doing here?
Butler: I'm the grounds-keeper. I'm also the martial arts and cooking teacher.
Artemis: How the hell did you find time to do that and be my bodyguard.
Butler: *puzzled* I don't know...
*authoress appears in a blaze of light*
Juliet: It coulda been more dramatic.
Authoress: *shrugging* Budget cut.
Juliet: Oh.
Mulch: FEED ME!
Artemis: Wooow! You are the most..hideous person I've ever seen.
Mulch: I see you haven't been using a little thing I like to call 'the mirror'.
Artemis:
You mean, the mirror of arised that Root's keeping somewhere at the academy?
Root: You KNOW about that?
Artemis: Well, I am a genius you know. And I was trying to say that our esteemed authoress is ugly.
Authoress: Shut up, dumbass! I've just come to-
Artemis: Dumb ass? *indignantly* well I never!
Authoress: *slaps forehead* How many times do I have to tell you idiots, British people do not talk like that! 'well I never' and 'good work old-boy' and all that crap are just stupid stereotypes that Hollywood and the rest of the world seem to have about us.
Juliet: Tea and crumpets anyone?
Authoress:
AAARGH!!! I just came to say that you are hereby forbidden from making Butler think. GOT IT?
All: *blink*
Authoress: Oh Forget it! *disappears in another blaze of light*
Butler: So anyway.Firs' years follow me!
Jon Spiro: We're all already in the castle you great lummox! We were waiting for you!
Butler: Oh, eh.well..
Artemis:
Don't you be talking shit 'bout ma Butler!
All: *stare*
Artemis: *sigh* Well, I thought you all were acting repugnantly out of character so it wouldn't make a difference what I say.
All: I see.
Artemis: *holding a copy of the script* (to Jon) Weren't we supposed to meet on the Rootwarts express? And *looking him up and down* How old exactly are you???? You look a little old to be here.
Jon: I'm eleven. Don't be fooled by the skin, that's just coz I smoke a lot. See what smoking does? *adopting teacher-ish tone* JUST SAY NO!
*out of nowhere*
*~*~~BANG! ~~*~*
Authoress: (cursing) AARGHH!!!!!!!!!!! WOULD YOU STOP GIVING OUT FRIGGIN GOOD-WILL MESSAGES AND STICK TO THE SCRIPT! DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A BARNEY EPISODE TO YOU? *then to artemis* AND YOU! STOP SOILING the STORY. I DON'T GIVE A SH** IF YOU ARE THE PRIME MINISTER HIMSELF, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ANYTHING YET!
Juliet: 'soiling'?
Authoress: whoops.sorry; typo. Gotta go..
*~*~~BANG! ~~*~* (authoress is gone)
Juliet: Much more impressive this time.
Authoress: thanks.
Juliet: I thought you were gone.
Authoress: *sheepishly* Yeah, but I realised I have no where to go.
Artemis: *cough* Vagabond
Authoress: I heard that, puny mortal!
Artemis: so, uh.where were we? Guys!? *looks around and sees Jon talking to Juliet.*
Jon: Hey
baby, wanna have a love-hate relationship?
Juliet:
EWWW! Arty help! It's a paedophile!
Jon: I
keep telling you that I'm the same age as you!
Juliet: HELP!
Artemis: *inspecting fingernails* You hardly need my
help.
Juliet: Oh yeah.*beats up Jon*
Butler: Atta
girl!
Artemis: (to Butler) where'd you go off to?
Butler: Feasts over, go to yer rooms.
All: DOH!!
Mulch: NOOOOO!!!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL SOMEBODY FEED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Authoress: PUT A SOCK IN IT!
Mulch: *hopefully* have you got a sock?
Authoress: No.
Mulch: Ohhhhh. FEEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
Swear
toad: Oh shut the f*** up!
Authoress: Nicely said.
Grub Kelp: truly spiffing, old boy!
Authoress: SHUT UP!!!!
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Professor Snape: There will be no foolish neutrino waving or silly incantations in this class. As it is, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science that is nuclear-warhead making, but for those select few *glances at Jon Spiro* that possess the predisposition.I can teach you how to be-
Mulch: snore
Snape: who is this nincompoop?
Artemis: There's only one name written on the door.
Snape: ten points from gryffinrich!
Artemis: Scary
Snape:
Twenty points!
Artemis: I'm shaking.
Snape: fifty points!
Artemis: Look, this may work on your more.*glances around*.challenged students, but I am a genius. A rich one too, and I really don't give a shit.
Snape: I hate you.
Holly short: Join the club.
Snape: I'm foreman!
Holly short: I'm chairman.
Mulch: Arty, I think Snape's working with she-who-must-be-reffered-to-with-ridiculously-long-and-tedious-names.
Artemis: I doubt it.
Mulch: But-
Artemis: shh! I've read the script remember? I plan on riding this out.
Mulch: Oooh..cool.
Arty: indeed.
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