Taking Risks
He barred her from working inside, telling himself he would be able to think more clearly with her not in his presence. It didn't help. She was with him whether she was inside the house or not. Sara was everywhere. She was there just as Debbie Marlin. The difference was Debbie was dead and Sara was very much alive.
He told himself with each passing hour he should turn the case over to Catherine and the others but he could not bring himself to do it not even when he approached the thirty six hour mark. The need to bring the killer to justice forced him to continue until there was nothing left to investigate. He had never been so obsessed with a case and in the end he had very little to show for it but he had to do it. He did not trust anyone else to be as thorough.
He knew the truth. He also knew that he would never be able to prove it. It would not matter how many hours he worked, the end result would be the same. Dr. Lurie had been thorough in his clean up and there was just not enough substantial evidence to arrest him. As he sat there watching the doctor, he saw his own reflection.
We're both committed to our professions
Devoted most of our life perfecting our craft
Letting our jobs become an obsession
Letting our obsession become our life
Letting our life become…
this
Grissom's jaw twitched as he sat there silently and observed the doctor. He had suspected him from the beginning. From the moment he walked into the house and saw her lying there, he suspected it was a crime committed out of jealousy.
He had no basis for the theory except his own personal experience. His one personal experience of loving the one person he could not have and then seeing her with another man. A man who Grissom knew was not good enough for her. It was his fault. She had tried in so many ways to get him to acknowledge the feelings they had for one another but he chose to run away from it. But she had done something this time.
She had met someone, an EMT. He had heard the rumors and then they had been confirmed when Philip Gerard, his old mentor was monitoring his staff. He had come face to face with it with Sara there to see his reaction.
"Well, we already know the bra was moved. Sara filed a supplemental report to that effect," said Grissom
"I know. I wish she'd mentioned her relationship with the EMT who moved the bra," replied Phillip Gerard.
"Relationship?" asked Grissom
"A Hank Peddigrew," said Gerard"We just interviewed him. He says he thanked her for letting him move the bra back."
Grissom immediately glanced at Sara.
"He was just, uh, being polite and, um, it's not a relationship. We go to movies ..." explained Sara.
He felt his pulse quicken and knew he needed to remain calm. He interrupted Sara and directed his focus on Gerard. "Docwhy don't you and I go to my office We can talk there."
As they left, he glanced once more at Sara trying to see if there was more to the relationship than just friendship but then it was none of his business, right?
She came to his office before court, seeking his approval and understanding for what had transpired. At that moment, he knew she was nervous about testifying and wanted to comfort her in some small gesture. He surprised himself when he gave her his blessing.
"You look nice," he said.
"Thanks." She paused. "Wish me luck."
He could tell their earlier conversationwas bothering her.
"Sara?"
She turned to look back at him.
"Whatever happens in court, it's not because you're seeing this guy. You deserve to have a life."
He had watched her leave following her body as it headed down the hallway. He would later hear about her testimony and her reaction when questioned about the chalk incident. It had looked damaging but surprisingly he didn't mind. He thought he would but instead he wondered what Hank Pettigrew had thought about it.
He would later regret giving her his blessing as the rumors continued throughout the lab and once or twice he had seen Pettigrew come to pick her up. He never thought it would become serious but soon he found himself calling her in more and more on her days off hoping to disrupt her personal life. He told himself he needed her for the job but inwardly he knew he needed her for himself. He did not know he could possess any jealousy until the night she did not respond immediately to his call.
"I am so sorry," said Sara trying to catch her breath.
"I paged you two hours ago."
"Right. Uh, it's my day off. I was up in Pahrump at some vineyard. You told me to get a life, remember?"
She had tried to make light of the events giving him a smile but it was lost on his expression. He did not return the sentiment.
"Did I?"
Her smile faded as a silence passed between them.
"I'm sorry, but I needed you. Dispatch called in a 419 at TuscaderoHigh School. You're on your own."
"On my own?"
"Solo."
He had returned to work dismissing her without regard to any feelings she may have had about the subject ignoring the comments exchanged between Sara and Nick or the way she stalked away. He knew she was hurt but he didn't care. The thought of her with Hank had burned in his gut all day. The fact that she had gone to Pahrump with Hank told him she was perhaps ready to take their relationship further and he wondered if she had already made love to Hank.
It would be love…
Sara would not have casual sex…
Sex without love is….
She's moving on…
If he had known that was how she was going to spend her time off, he would have made up an excuse to get her back there earlier.
He had spent the remainder of the shift in a foul mood which kept others away. It worried him that her anger might cause her to deepen her relationship with Hank. He sat there that night trying to focus on the file in front of him when she showed up in the doorway.
"Good night," she said softly.
"Good night, Sara."
He felt a sense of relief and hope when she flashed a smile at him before turning to leave.
"Hey. Nice work on the high school case."
"I'm ... uh ... sorry I missed your page."
"It's just, um ... you tell me to get a life and then I get one, and then you expect me to be there at a moment's notice. It's ... um ... confusing."
He had wanted to say something but her honesty had taken him off guard and he wanted so much to find the right words.
What words?
I need you but I can't have you?
I want you but I won't take you?
When he looked up she was gone and with it his chance to set things right between them. She continued with Hank while he went home night after night cursing at the pain of betrayal. He knew he had no right to feel that way. He had once again refused to take the offer extended to him and she was doing something he never dreamed she would do, she was indeed moving on.
There would only be a few times where he tried to pull her back to him. She had taken a day off and it had frightened him. He was pleased when she showed up at the crime scene within a few minutes.
"You know you pulled me away from a forensic anthropology seminar, right? It's required. It's part of the continuing education program..."
"Well, I'm sorry, but everyone seems to have something to do today. I have a teenager who was run over by a taxi. He wasn't hit by it; that's not what killed him. He was stabbed, fatally. For now, I have no ID, no suspects and no primary crime scene. I need you."
"How can I help?"
They had smiled at one another. It seemed that they were even comfortable with one another working much more closely than was needed. It had felt good to be close to her again and he saw that she too enjoyed this closeness between them even if it was at work. Unfortunately like so many times in the past, he did not pursue the chance.
She continued to date Hank and Grissom knew he would have to act soon or risk the chance of losing her for good but he was not prepared to have his hearing become such a threat to his career.
As the months passed, he distanced himself from not only her but everyone. He knew he would have to risk the corrective surgery if he hoped to maintain his position at the lab. Each day that passed, he found himself distrustful of her. He no longer sought out her smiles or her conversation. It was during these times, that she had been emotionally hurt by the realization that a friend of hers had committed murder and Sara had managed to prove it causing her to be arrested. She had felt betrayed by her friend and sought some solace with Grissom.
"The cop read Melissa her rights right there in the hospital room. You think you know somebody," she said quietly.
"I never think that," he replied. He had meant it as a barb and inwardly felt some satisfaction seeing the expression on her face.
"Ever?" she said softly. When he did not reply, she turned away and stared at the locker in front of her.
"When I was a kid I was playing hide-and-seek one day and I found this plastic bag under my big brother's bed. I thought it was a bag of dirt so I took it to my mom. Turned out it was his bag of weed. He was grounded for a year."
"The best intentions are fraught with disappointment."
"Emerson?"
"Grissom."
He had left her sitting there alone, leaving her to sort out her feelings rather than comforting her. He berated himself later wishing he had spent more time with her but then he had just told her he no longer trusted her in so many words. It was so typical of himself. She had reacted by moving closer in her relationship with Hank now letting him show up at work more and more. Grissom retaliated by Lady Heather.
To Grissom, Heather Kessler was unique. She was brilliant, beautiful; charming and made no qualms she was attracted to him. His inner voice told him to be extremely careful with her. Besides, she was a prime suspect in a murder investigation and yet he found himself drawn to her.
He was impressed when she quickly discovered that he had been reading lips as a means of compensating for the loss of his hearing. She had not been offended by it and he found himself attracted to her. It had felt good to touch her face and feel something more than jealousy and regret. He knew the rumors would get back to Sara. Perhaps he hoped she would feel the same bit of jealousy as he did but then he was not rational when it came to a relationship.
Sara was very willing to have a relationship. Grissom did not. Sara was ready to move on. He did not want her to. He was at a constant turmoil with himself for not wanting her but not wanting to let her go. It was cruel but yet he could not bring himself to stop. He had learned two things in the few years Sara had been in Vegas.
He could be cruel.
He could be jealous.
He didn't like either emotion.
He spent hours with Lady Heather enjoying the ease of being with her. There was no fear of being discovered by the lab or risk that his hearing problem would be discovered. Heather had already guessed it. Had Sara? He didn't know whether to be glad or upset about the thought?
If she truly cared would she not see the signs…
Perhaps she did and it was part of the reason she was moving on…
Perhaps she didn't and didn't care about him in the same manner….
His own fears and needs could have easily led him to get involved with Heather but his inner voice cautioned him when the evidence was leading him toward Heather as the murder suspect. He distanced himself not willing to risk having a relationship with her until she had been excluded as a suspect. His lack of trust caused a rift between himself and Heather. When she reached out to him in the interrogation room, he knew that she was innocent and the evidence would later prove what his feelings were telling him.
Evidence….
Evidence never lies…
Feelings can't be trusted…
He found himself at a cross roads as he sat in his vehicle staring at the entrance to Heather's home. He knew that she would forgive him if he asked but he could not bring himself to do it. He suddenly felt a sense of guilt wash over him and he knew that he could not move on. This was not the person he already loved. This was not the person who filled his thoughts from the moment he woke until he forced himself to sleep. He berated himself for not taking the risk to be with Sara.
Sara….
If he hoped to hurt Sara with Lady Heather, he accomplished his goal. Her smiles were few and she no longer had the spring in her step. Of course he would later blame the change on Hank who in the end lived up to Grissom's view that he was not good enough for Sara. Hank proved that to not only Sara but to everyone else when he was caught with another woman.
It was later discovered that Sara had actually been the other woman meeting his fiancé in the hospital during a case in which Hank and the unknown woman was injured in an accident. It had hurt her very deeply although she did not let on to anyone. Catherine had extended her friendship to Sara at that time and she would later go to Grissom to tell her what Hank had done. He was furious at how the young man had treated Sara but inwardly was relieved that the relationship was over. Grissom watched as she threw herself in her work no longer asking for days off and he was once again content to let things go as they were.
He felt he could not offer her much of a future with his hearing in question and she seemed to be content with the nightly ritual returning. It wasn't until the lab explosion that she would risk reaching out to him again. He found her sitting on the curb with a gash on her forehead and another across her cheek. She held her left hand gingerly in her lap.He had examined the hand allowing his speech to give away his true feelings for her.
"Are you okay," he had asked quietly
"Uh- huh."
"Honey, this doesn't look good."
"It's fine."
He stared intently into her eyes trying to determine if she was truly fine.
"Cleanup is going to be something. We should get started."
"You need to get stitches."
"I'm okay," she had replied and stood.
He refused to take no for an answer and had a medic look at her hand. It was the first time in quite awhile he had displayed any form of kindness towards her. She grasped at it needing to feel something between them. He would only dash her hopes again later that same day when she came to say good night.
"You uh got a minute?"
"I was just leaving," he said.
"Yeah, the, uh, schedule says you're off tonight."
"I am."
"Me too."
"You should be on paid leave."
"I'm fine."
"You were fortunate."
They talked about the case briefly as he picked up his things to leave.
"Is that all you have to say?" he asked as he prepared to leave.
"Would you like to have dinner with me?" she asked.
"No."
"Why not?Let's ... let's have dinner. Let's see what happens."
"Sara…I don't know what to do about this."
"I do."
He knew she was reaching out to him once more but he couldn't accept. It was her last statement that caught him off guard this time.
"You know, by the time you figure it out, you really could be too late."
At first it had worried him and then it angered him to think that she might become involved with someone else. The tension that had dissipated now seemed to slowly return. He watched as she struggled to move away from them and focus on her career and personal life. He struggled to decipher her actions telling himself that nothing had changed between them. It wasn't until she applied for the key position that he saw her desire to move forward and perhaps leave the shift, thus leaving them behind.
She feared that he might not be willing to promote her because of her forwardness and although she struggled with maintaining their fragile relationship she had to ask him.
He acted as though he did not understand letting her think that he never believed there was anything between them. He saw the doubt and hurt creep into her eyes just as she hurried from the room. He furthered her doubts of her ability to do her job when a high profile case of a missing up and coming model was given to Catherine rather than her. He thought it would not bother her as much since Nick had wanted the case also but he had been denied as well. Sara suddenly found herself questioning her future with the lab.
Now, he sat at the table with a man who had turned his jealousy into murder.
"Thank you for your time and your theories, but you said it yourself:
You don't have a case."
As Lurie and his attorney started to leave, Grissom heard himself speaking. He was just as surprised as Brass when he addressed the doctor.
"It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives," said Grissom quietly.
Lurie stopped and listened. Brass watched as his colleague addressed Lurie ignoring the others in the room. It was odd the man would stop to hear what Grissom had to say particularly now that he knew they could not hold him. Perhaps it was Grissom's tone that got his attention. There was sadness to his voice.
"The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance." Grissom has caught Lurie's full attention now.
"Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her."
Grissom looked down at his pad. "I couldn't do it." His eyes mirrored the sadness in his heart. He looked up and their eyes met. I gave up the only woman I've ever loved.
"But you did. You risked it all." Grissom glared at Lurie making him look away. It did not matter to Grissom; he knew the truth and did not need to see it reflected in Lurie's eyes.
"And she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else and you were lost so you took her life."
"You killed them both, and now you have nothing."
Vincent Lurie responded quietly, "I'm still here."
"Are you?" asked Grissom.
He sat there as Dr. Lurie walked away. The man had gotten away with murder but worst he had probably murdered the only person he would ever love. The doctor's actions had hit something within Grissom's psyche that caused him to examine his own personal life and what he saw, had saddened him. He had never doubted the path he had chosen his life to take. In fact, he always felt it had chosen him.
For Lurie he would spend the rest of his life without the person he loved. For Grissom, that person would still come by each evening and wish him good night. He couldn't imagine living with the choice Lurie had made. He still had Sara.
I don't have her…
I've never had her…
I could…
I can't…
I won't…
It was rare for a case to bother Grissom; he had conditioned himself years ago to examine the evidence rather than placing a life to the body before him. It had worked until now. Perhaps it was her uncanny resemblance to Sara that had unnerved him a bit. He had seen Sara in every piece of evidence. It had been so powerful that he could not even bring himself to talk with her personally about the case, relaying messages back and forth between other workers.
The others had seen the uncanny resemblance. They had even mentioned it to Sara and she wondered if this was the reason Grissom had forced her to do the perimeter that night rather than inside with him.
His actions throughout the entire case baffled her but then it was Grissom. She had grown accustomed to his odd behavior and had chosen to accept them rather than try to examine why he did the things he did. He was not like others and perhaps it was this oddity that attracted her in the first place because she saw herself in Grissom on so many levels.
She was not prepared for what she would see in the interrogation room. She hadn't planned on going there but when she had been called over to deliver some files to the office, she had seen Brass and Grissom. It was the first time in hours she had seen Grissom. She had not intended to stay and watch but it was Grissom's voice that drew her to the viewing window.
She stood there and listened to Grissom speak so freely to a murderer what he could not say to her. It had stung. It had knocked the breath out of her. She had wanted to flee the moment she realized he was talking about them but she could not bring herself to move but rather needing to hear the rest.
And then he said it.
And she had felt it.
Whatever she hoped would happen between them was never going to happen. Grissom would not allow it. She stood there until she thought she would crumble to the floor. She had intended to walk away but she found her feet grounded to the floor as if her limbs were slowly sinking into quicksand. He stood there looking at her and as she turned they came face to face. His face gave his true emotions away as he stared at her. His brain told him that it was not Debbie but his heart wanted it to be the only person he had ever loved.
She's dead….
You saw her body….
She's in the morgue…
His hand reached out to touch her face and for some odd reason Sara did not turn away.
"They told me you were…" His eyes grew wide as he looked at her closely his eyes tracing over every inch of her body. He took a step forward as Sara remained fixed to her position. The meeting did not go unnoticed by Brass who stood nearby hoping that Lurie would say something to incriminate himself while he held his breath that Sara could play along. He stood there in front of her taking his hand and holding a lock of her hair. His eyes caught sight of the others as he stood there in front of her.
This is…
A second chance…
"You look so much like her. I'm sorry if I frightened you. You're just so beautiful and for a moment…" his voice cracked.
They stood eye to eye. There was something about his eyes that made Sara return his gaze.
His eyes are sad…
Like mine….
He knows what it feels…
to love and be rejected…
Sara stood motionless as Lurie extended his hand to her cheek. It was Lurie's hand as it was slapped away that made them both turn and stare at the man that now stood between them. It was Grissom.
Note from author:
Thanks for reading the first chapter. I know it was lengthy but I wanted to set up the story line for you. While I'll be using some parts of the show, I will not be following the exact storyline to make it more enjoyable as we go. I hope you enjoy it!
Take care!
Penny
