The One with the Star Trek-a-thon

A Friends fanfic by Pjazz

2003

INT. CENTRAL PERK.

ROSS, CHANDLER AND JOEY.

ROSS

You know what? I'm kinda bored.

CHANDLER

You, a man who examines tiny fossils for a living, bored? How can that be?

ROSS

I don't know. I've got nothing planned this weekend. No date. Carol and Susan have Ben.

I'm just really at a loose end.

JOEY

You know what we should do? Take a tour of the lap dancing clubs.

ROSS

Joey, the last time you took me to a lap dancing club the dancer pressed her silicone breasts so hard against my face I had blocked sinuses for a week. No, thank you.

CHANDLER

Channel 24 are having a Star Trek-a-thon this weekend. All the original episodes back to back. Non stop.

ROSS

A Star Trek-a-thon? That sounds cool.

JOEY

Dude, it sounds like a lotta things, but cool ain't one of them.

ROSS

Remember that time back in high school? We watched a 'Lost in Space' marathon. I dressed up as Robbie the Robot.

CHAND

Ah yes. As Doctor Zachary Smith would say - the pain, the pain.

ROSS

Of course we can't do that now. Chandler would never stay awake.

CHAND

I would too stay awake.

ROSS

Dude, there are 70 odd Trek episodes. That's like 3 days worth. No way. You even fall asleep having sex with Monica.

CHAND

It's true. I do find her rhythem somewhat sleep inducing.

JOEY

Count me out. Hot date with Suki. But you two nerds go right ahead.

CHAND

I'm game if you are.

ROSS

Great. I'll bring the popcorn.

CHAND

I'll bring the amphetamines.

INT. JOEY'S APARTMENT.

JOEY AND RACHEL.

RACHEL

Joey, I just noticed the laundry basket. Where did these women's panties come from? You haven't been stealing Monica's underwear again, have you?

JOEY

Hey, that was a one off emergency. I was out of handkerchiefs.

RACHEL

Well, they're very nice. The material's so soft and the cut looks flattering and yet comfortable.

JOEY

You are totally checking out my girlfriend's panties. That is so hot!

RACHEL

These are Suki's? Wow. She has great taste in underwear - for someone so slutty looking.

JOEY

You think Suki's slutty looking? And not in a good way?

RACHEL

Kinda. She wears those leather thigh boots.

JOEY

So? Plenty of women wear thigh boots. It's a hot look.

RACHEL

To work? Joe, she's a dental hygeniest. Where does she work? The Maquis de Sade Dental Practice?

JOEY

I resent that. I have no idea what it means. But I resent it.

RACHEL

Can you ask her for me where she buys her underwear?

JOEY

I'm not asking her where she buys her panties. That's weird stuff.

RACHEL

Joey, I've seen you make out in a phone booth. When someone was using it. Just ask her.

JOEY

You ask her.

RACHEL

Alrighty, I will.

JOEY

(GRINS) Oh yeah...

RACHEL

What?

JOEY

I'm imagining you and Suki talking panties. Oh, you're swapping panties with her right now.

RACHEL

Joey!

JOEY

Oh man, now you're swapping bras. Now I'll never get to sleep tonight.

DOOR OPENS. SUKI ENTERS.

SUKI'S A GORGEOUS BLONDE. THINK ELIZA CUTHBERT.

SUKI

Hey, Joe. Monica.

RACHEL

No, I'm Rachel. Monica's the one who yelled at you for not using a coaster.

SUKI

Right. Sorry.

JOEY

Rachel was totally checking out your panties earlier.

RACHEL

Joey!

SUKI

Really?

RACHEL

Well, kinda. But not in a weird lesbian way.

JOEY

Aw! Don't spoil it.

SUKI

They're by a new Italian designer.

JOEY

Do Italians know women's butts, or what!

SUKI

I got them at Bernadettes. A new place on 81st street.

RACHEL

Thank you. I'll have to visit sometime.

SUKI

You can try mine on if you like?

JOEY

Alright! And don't forget to swap bras.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.

ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE PREPARED TO WATCH STAR TREK.

MONICA

So let me get this straight. You two are going to sit on this couch for 3 days and watch nothing but a dumb science fiction show you've already seen like a hundred times before?

CHAND

That's right, honey.

MONICA

I am so hot for you right now.

ROSS

It's not a dumb show. Star Trek shows how mankind might one day achieve a bright future through harmony, cooperation and the benign application of science.

CHAND

Plus Uhura wears a tight mini skirt.

MONICA

Ok, you've got bowls for the popcorn. Pots of coffee. Beers. Make sure you use coasters and put the empties in the trash. Don't see how high you can stack them like Joey.

ROSS

Ok, mom.

CHAND

You're not staying? I thought this was something we could do together. As man and wife.

MONICA

Don't you mean nerd and wife?

CHAND

Ok, nerd and wife.

MONICA

Sweetie, sex is what we do together. For a Star Trek-a-thon you have Ross.

ROSS

I'm not getting naked. No matter how much you beg.

MONICA

Phoebe and I are going to a hardware sale at Macy's.

CHAND

Be sure and bring me back something sexy in aluminum.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.

MORNING.

ROSS AND CHANDLER HAVE BEEN WATCHING TV FOR OVER 24 HOURS. THEY LOOK A BIT FRAZZLED.

DOOR OPENS. SUKI ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING NOTHING BUT A MAN'S SHIRT.

SUKI

Hey, guys. Got any fresh milk? We're all out.

CHAND

Suki. Suki or not Suki, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer ---

ROSS

Dude, you struck out. Leave it.

SUKI

What are you watching? Star Trek? That is so cool. I love Star Trek.

ROSS

You do? Boy, where were you in high school.

SUKI

I used to have such a major crush on Captain Kirk. Then I saw TJ Hooker and realised William Shatner wore a corset and a wig.

ROSS

He wears a wig in this, too. I have a blooper tape at home where he wore it back to front.

SUKI

I'd love to see that.

ROSS

I'd love to show it to you.

CHAND

Ross, you're hitting on Joey's girlfriend.

SUKI SITS ON CHANDLER'S LAP.

SUKI

Oh this is a classic episode. I love this one.

CHAND

Whoa! Totally inappropriate lap sitting. And yet oddly satisfying.

MONICA ENTERS IN DRESSING GOWN.

MONICA

Chandler! Why is there a half naked girl in your lap?

CHAND

Good lord, so there is. I never noticed.

My wife's in the room yet still you sit. Seriously, where were you in high school?

SUKI

You're Phoebe, right? The flakey one.

MONICA

No, I'm Monica. The married one.

SUKI

Right. The coaster bitch.

MONICA

Hey, is it such a crime not to leave rings?

ROSS

Suki's a fan of Star Trek. You know, that dumb show.

MONICA

And why is she wearing my husband's shirt?

SUKI

This is yours? I thought it was Joey's.

CHAND

I lent it to Joe. Well technically he stole it. But it looks great on you.

MONICA

Honey....

CHAND

In a baggy, shapeless non-arousing type way.

SUKI

You can have it back if you want.

SUKI BEGINS TO UNBUTTON THE SHIRT.

MONICA

Whoa! You're naked under there. You take that shirt off, missy. And there's going to be some serious hair pulling going on.

JOEY ENTERS, WEARING ONLY SUKI'S PANTIES.

MONICA

Joey! What the hell are you wearing?

JOEY

Suki's panties. Rachel was right. They are comfortable yet flattering.

MONICA

Whoa! Is that what I think it is?

JOEY

Ooops. Sorry. Having a little slipage problem.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.

ROSS AND CHANDLER HAVE BEEN WATCHING TV FOR 48 HOURS. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY UNKEMPT.

PHOEBE

So this is the future? Man, I had no idea lycra would be so popular. And who'd have thought beehive hair would make a comeback.

ROSS

Check out Mr Spock. He's largely responsible for the popularity of science among both sexes.

PHOEBE

Yeah right. Pointy ears and a fringe are a real babe magnet.

CHAND

Damn! That's what I needed in high school. Pointy ears and a fringe.

PHOEBE

How come on Star Trek you never saw any one visit the toilet? Was science so far advanced that they didn't need bladders?

CHAND

Could be. Unless those stretchy pants are also super absorbant.

ROSS

As a kid I always thought by the time I was 30 we'd have tourist rockets to Mars. You just buy a ticket and visit when you wanted. That we'd all have anti gravity cars and floating cities in the sky. But none of that came true.

CHAND

We have internet porn. Cable porn. When I was a kid I never imagined they'd be so much free porn when I was 30.

ROSS

Oh this is a great scene. The vulcan mind meld.

PHOEBE

The vulcan what?

ROSS

It's where Spock puts his fingers to someone's temple and discovers their innermost secrets. How cool is that?

PHOEBE

I do that all the time.

ROSS

You? You can do the vulcan mind meld?

PHOEBE

Uh huh. I'll show you.

PHOEBE GRIPS ROSS'S HEAD WITH HER FINGERS.

PHOEBE

Oh. Here we go. My, what a smutty mind you have for a scientist, Ross.

CHAND

What's in there? Anything juicy?

PHOEBE

Hmmm. I'm getting Princess Leia. Naked. Fancy meeting you here, Einstein. Nice hair. Oh, I'm sensing great sexual frustration. Yes, much unresolved sexual frustration.

CHAND

Dude, relieve yourself like any normal guy.

ROSS

I don't like to do that too often. It's bad for the soul.

CHAND

If Monica catches you, it's bad for the stomach. No meals for a week.

PHOEBE

I'm sensing great pride for Ben.

ROSS

I do feel great pride for my son.

PHOEBE

And love for your friends. A whole bunch of dinosaur stuff. Oh and great genorosity for your good friend, Phoebe.

ROSS

Great generosity?

PHOEBE

Uh huh. You have an overwhelming urge to lend Phoebe a hundred, no, a thousand bucks.

ROSS

Nice try, Phoebs.

PHOEBE

Damn. I always get too greedy.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.

48 HOURS. ROSS AND CHANDLER NOW SERIOUSLY GRUNGY.

THE AP IS DARK, LIT ONLY BY TV SCREEN.

JOEY AND SUKI ENTER, GIGGLING. THEY START TO MAKE OUT.

ROSS

Is it sleep deprivation, or did Joey and Suki just come in and start making out?

CHANDLER

Hey, Joe. Little inappropriate. Two guys sitting right here watching a Star Trek-a-thon.

JOEY

Don't mind us.

ROSS

Uh, Joey, we do mind you. What d'you think you're doing?

JOEY

It's Sunday night. We always make out in here.

CHAND

You do? So that's what the strange noises are. Monica and I thought we were being haunted by the ghost of Mr Heckles.

ROSS

Well you can't do that tonight. It's too distracting. Plus kinda kinky.

JOEY

Jeez, you nerds are such tight asses. Fine. We'll do it in the hall.

JOEY AND SUKI EXIT

CHAND

(BEAT) We can still hear you, dammit.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.

LATER THAT NIGHT.

ROSS

Man, I can't believe it. Captain Kirk's hitting on another alien female. Hello, haven't you heard of inter-species incompatibility? How does he know their...bits will even fit? I mean, she's not even human.

CHAND

Never underestimate the sex drive of a fat man in a bad toupee. Alien babes can't resist.

MONICA OPENS HER BEDROOM DOOR.

MONICA

Honey, come to bed. We can do that thing you like. I'll pretend to be Elaine from Seinfeld.

ROSS

Dude!

CHAND

Hey, it's not like I'm turned on by Kramer.

MONICA

Chandler?

CHAND

Sorry, sweetcakes, but I'm staying here with Ross. Only another 12 hours to go. God help me.

MONICA

You're turning down sex with me? Fine. You know what happened last time, mister.

MONICA SLAMS DOOR

ROSS

What happened last time?

CHAND

I had to get down on my hands and knees and beg for sex.

ROSS

You did that before you even met Monica.

CHAND

True. Tragic, but true.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.

THE END IS NEAR. FINAL EPISODE.

ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE BEYOND GRUNGE. THEY BOTH HAVE 3 DAYS BEARD.

ROSS

Dear God, will this never end. I feel like I've spent more time in space than John Glenn.

CHAND

I think this is it. 'Turnabout Intruder'. The final episode of season 3.

THE CREDIT MUSIC PLAYS

PHOEBE

Yea! You did it. You watched every single Star Trek episode back to back.

JOEY

You two are the biggest nerds in the whole world! Congratulations.

CHAND

Oh honey' I'm so proud of you...I think.

ROSS

Man, I can't believe it. We stayed awake for 3 days and nights. I feel like Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.

RACHEL

If Keith Richards was a paleoentologist geek and not a rock and roll legend.

CHAND

You know the first thing I'm gonna do? Make sweet love to my wife.

JOEY

Alright, Chandler!

MONICA

No-oo-oo. The first thing you're gonna do is bathe. You stink. Then you're gonna shave. Then think of an excuse why you didn't turn up for work today.

PHOEBE

Hey, TV Guide says there's a Babylon 5 marathon next weekend. You guy's going to watch that?

ROSS AND CHANDLER LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

ROSS/CHANDLER

Nah.

INT. RACHEL'S BEDROOM.

RACHEL IS ASLEEP - AND DREAMING.

SHE IS WITH MODELS CINDY CRAWFORD, NAOMI CAMPBELL, CHRISTY TURLINGTON AND KATE MOSS.

THEY ARE ALL IN BRA AND PANTIES.

RACHEL

Listen up. I'll swap panties with Cindy, Naomi with Kate. Christy will wear my bra, Cindy Naomi's. Okay, everyone strip.

RACHEL WAKES WITH A START.

SHE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT IN BED.

RACHEL

Did I just dream I was swapping underwear with a bunch of supermodels?

Dammit, Tribianni, what did you do to my head?

THE END

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