Chapter 1 – August 2005: The Breakup
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The diner phone rang, and Luke picked it up without thinking. "Luke's."
"Hey, it's me."
"Lorelai?"
She sounded distant. "Can you come over?"
"To your place?"
She cringed at his words. Even after they renovated the Crap Shack for the two of them, he still called it her place. Not their place. Not home. Just her place. After a pause, she said, "Yes. Now. We… we need to talk."
"About what?" Luke asked. When she didn't reply, he sighed. "Look, it's still busy here, but I'll be there as soon as the place clears out, okay?"
There were a few minutes of awkward silence. "Sure."
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It took him two hours to finally drag himself to Lorelai's. He knew they weren't in the best place in their relationship right now, and he's been avoiding her lately. He wasn't stupid – he knew their problems started when he found out about April and kept it from her. She never said anything and always had a smile on her face when they were together, but he knew something was off. He guessed it was probably about his decision not to let her meet April officially. Or maybe it was his evasiveness whenever she wanted to set a new date for their postponed wedding. To be honest, he really had no energy or desire to delve into the reasons at this moment. That's why he kept asking Lorelai to give him time whenever she tried to talk to him about meeting April or setting a new date. Dealing with the idea that he was a father – a father! – was all he could take right now. He couldn't really think of anything else.
Deep down he knew they had to talk, but he wasn't looking forward to this. A part of him hoped that she fell asleep waiting for him, but his heart sank when he saw the living room lights on. She was waiting for him, and there was no way out. Maybe he could excuse himself after an hour using early bread deliveries as an excuse again. He took a deep breath and knocked.
He heard an annoyed sigh. "You don't need to knock, Luke. You have a key to this place," he heard her calling out – probably from the kitchen or from upstairs, judging by the distant sound of her voice. "And the door is unlocked anyway."
Luke shrugged and went in. The door was unlocked as usual. "Sorry I took so long, I…" he began, then stopped abruptly when he saw several boxes and luggage scattered across the living room. "What's… what's this?"
Lorelai glanced briefly at her watch. "I didn't expect you to take this long to come. After all, the diner was empty when I called."
He stuttered. "Wh-what?"
"I was right outside when I called you earlier, Luke. There was nobody in the diner. The place was closed. Still it took you two hours to come here."
"I.. It wasn't…"
"I don't have time for your excuses," she replied brusquely, moving around quickly and taping boxes shut. "Since it took you two hours, we have only about thirty minutes left to talk."
Luke remained standing, confused. "Thirty minutes? I… I don't understand. Lorelai. What's happening?"
"I need to be at the airport soon. A taxi is coming here to pick me up in thirty minutes." She was a flurry of energy, not staying still. She refused to even look at him. He walked to her and gripped her arm gently, trying to get her to stop moving, but she flinched and shrugged his hand away with a dirty look.
"I still don't understand. Can we… can we sit down at least?"
Lorelai gave him a quick glance and took in his bewildered expression. She took pity and went to the kitchen and sat down. Luke quickly followed and sat across from her.
"So I'm leaving," she said evenly.
"What? W-why? For how long? Where are you going?" he asked in a rush.
"You need time with April. That's what you told me way too many times," she said flatly. "You need time with April without me hanging around. So I'm leaving." She pulled something from her pocket and slid it over to him without looking.
He looked in surprise to see the engagement ring on the table. "You're breaking up with me?" he said in disbelief.
She gave him a sarcastic smile while shaking her head. It chilled him to the bone. He has never seen her like this – so cold, so distant, so… angry. It wasn't the red hot fury that he had seen before, where she would shout and say whatever came to her head. It was cold, seething anger bleeding out through her sarcastic words. "What, you didn't think I could do it, did you?"
"I never said that…"
"Oh, but that's what you thought, Luke. You knew something was wrong with me, with us. You knew I was too scared to say anything because if I did, you'd break up with me. Just like last time. And you knew I'd fall apart and come crawling back to you."
"No, Lorelai, I…"
"We don't have much time," she cut him off bitingly. "I have things I need to say. And since I've spent the past – what – eight months – not saying anything, I think I deserve the right to be heard now, don't you agree?"
Luke looked at her with an inscrutable expression on his face. She refused to look at him, opting to look at her watch, the window, the space above his head – anywhere except his eyes. He sighed and said in a resigned tone, "Go ahead."
"You don't love me."
"That's not true…"
"You really don't, Luke. Maybe you did before. Or maybe it was just some weird infatuation for you. You thought you wanted a girl for eight years – but when you got her, I guess you realized it was more than you bargained for, huh?"
"Lorelai…"
"Just stop. When was the last time you stayed here?"
The question stumped him. "I, uh… a few days ago?"
"More than a week ago. You want to know how I know?" He looked at her but didn't bother to reply. "Because I started packing seven days ago. If you only dropped by once – once – within the last seven days, you would have seen the boxes, and you would have asked me what was going on, and maybe we could still have worked things out."
"Lorelai…"
"Do you even remember the last time we slept together?" Luke shook his head wordlessly. She gave him a bitter smile. "It was at New York. Two months ago. I asked you to go there for a weekend with me – I made all the plans, booked the hotel. All you had to do was drive and spend time with your fiancée. If you even still considered me that. But you couldn't even last the entire weekend with me. Because the moment Anna called, you had to leave. Never mind about your own fiancée." She shook her head incredulously. "Man, I felt like such a loser."
"I… I don't know what to say…"
"That New York trip was my pathetic attempt to remind you that you had a fiancée, which you seem to forget whenever it came to Anna or April. I mean, you never even told me about your own daughter. I wasn't allowed to meet her. I wasn't allowed to talk to her. Never mind that the whole town spent time with her."
"Lorelai…"
"You never even realized the significance of the New York weekend, did you? You went back to Stars Hollow by yourself on Sunday morning. You left me all alone in New York on June 3rd."
"June 3rd?" he asked, with a bewildered look on his face. "What's important about June 3rd?"
"Oh my goodness. You don't even know what June 3rd is," she said, standing up angrily.
"Lorelai, please…"
"Oh, June 3rd is only the date when we were supposed to get married. No big deal," she said icily, walking to the living room.
Luke sat frozen on the spot. After a few seconds, he recovered sufficiently to follow Lorelai, who was zipping up her luggage and wheeling it to the door. "Lorelai, I'm so sorry… I didn't realize…"
"Did you know I packed my wedding dress for the New York trip?" she said, finally looking at him. Her eyes were cold and distant. "I had this really stupid idea that I could convince you to go and get married in New York. Rory was on standby that day – she was going to drive up to be there for the wedding. But I never got to ask you to marry me since you were in such a rush to leave."
"I… I don't know what to say…"
"You know how I spent the rest of what should have been our wedding day? I put on my wedding dress and drank everything in the mini bar. Then I got a bottle of tequila because it still wasn't enough to make me stop feeling the hurt. Man, I got wasted," she snickered. "Rory had to come to calm me down. Apparently, I drunk dialled her and she got really worried. I didn't even remember, I just woke up the next day with a massive hangover. But at least, for once, I didn't wake up alone in bed. There was someone with me. My daughter. Because my fiancé always had early deliveries or dinner with his daughter or any other stupid excuse not to sleep with me."
"Lorelai, please…" He suddenly wondered if that was the reason he hasn't seen Rory for some time now. He heard from Lane that she still went back to Stars Hollow most weekends, but she never went to the diner. He chalked it up to her busy schedule and never bothered to ask Lorelai. Was she avoiding him after all?
"But even after that, I wasn't ready to give up on you, on us. You know when I gave up? Two weeks ago. I went to the diner as usual – because that's the only time I would see you, since you wouldn't come here – and I tried to talk about what our future would be. I asked if you still saw yourself getting married to me. You mumbled yes, but you wouldn't look me in the eye and kept wiping the counter. I tried to ignore it and kept up my cheery façade. I asked if you still wanted to have kids with me, and talked about how gorgeous our kids would be, with their dark hair and blue eyes. Do you remember what you said?"
"No, I, uh, I really don't."
"You said, 'I already have a kid.'"
"I…"
"Oh, no need for explanations now," she said sarcastically. "I heard you loud and clear. No marriage, no kids. So where does that put me? Forever in the fiancée limbo? I didn't even feel like a fiancée or hell, even just a girlfriend, for the past few months. So that's when I started making plans to go."
He was quiet for a moment, letting her words sink in. "But… but where are you going?"
"Sorry Luke, but that's none of your business anymore. We're over. I don't need to tell you anything. In fact, if you don't want to hear my crap anymore, you're welcome to leave anytime."
"Does… does Rory know where you're going?"
"I don't think you realize this isn't some impulsive road trip like the time I ended my engagement with Max. This is planned. Of course, Rory knows where I'm going. Sookie and Jackson know. Michel knows. Hell, even my parents know. This was something I've discussed with them on and off for several months. They knew this would happen when I reach my breaking point. Which I did two weeks ago."
"So all those people knew you were breaking up with me and leaving me before you even told me?"
Lorelai gave a short, sardonic laugh which grated on his ears. This was a side of Lorelai he never knew existed. "I'm leaving you?" she asked in disbelief. "Buddy, you left me several months ago. You've already checked out of this relationship. I was just the idiot who kept trying to hold on to you." She paused for a minute, trying to control her anger. "You know why I did, even though it hurt like hell? Because I loved you. Because I thought you were the one for me. Because I thought you were my only chance to get the whole package."
"You can still get the whole package, Lorelai… We, we just need to talk…"
"The days for talking are long gone," she said in a cold voice. "I've been trying to talk to you for months. Months. I don't even care about getting the whole package anymore. I just want to be whole again." She felt that she was on the verge of breaking down so she stopped and cleared her throat to keep her emotions in check. When she spoke again, her voice was calmer, softer. "I've just… I've been way too hurt, Luke. My pride can't take it anymore. My heart is already in a million pieces – there's not one piece big enough left for you to break. I can't go on like this. I want to be whole again. To be me again. That's why I have to go."
"Lorelai, please…"
"Luke. I just want to be happy. You said before that's what you want for me, right?
"Yes, but…"
"I thought you were the one who would make me happy. Really, I did. I mean – it's just like in the movies, you know? The guy you've known forever, your closest friend, turns out to be the love of your life. It's so When Harry Met Sally. It's your standard chick flick plot. You talked about keeping the horoscope for eight years and being all in on our first date. And I sat there thinking, This is it! This is what I've been waiting for my whole life!"
"Lorelai," he said quietly.
"But you're not the one," she said quietly. "I don't even believe in there being a one for me anymore… I don't know. Maybe I'll meet someone else. Maybe I won't. It doesn't matter. I just want to be happy again. I haven't been this unhappy in my whole life. And I don't think I'm the one who can make you happy either. It looks to me like April… and, and Anna," she choked on the name, "It looks like they are who you really need in your life right now."
"No, Lorelai, no, you don't understand…"
Lorelai glanced at her watch. "We have ten minutes left."
"Call off the taxi. I'll… I'll drive you to the airport myself, if I can't convince you to stay. I just need more time with you."
"Oh please," she said shortly, while rolling her eyes. Her surge of emotion has passed. "Just a few hours ago, you couldn't be bothered to come here, and now you're like, every minute counts."
"Lorelai…"
"So back to business. I'm leaving. I don't know for how long, or if I'll come back to Stars Hollow. I'm renting out this place for the meantime, since I'll need some extra cash. I already mailed a cheque to you to pay for the Dragonfly loan and the home renovations."
"What?"
"I didn't want to leave feeling indebted to you in anyway."
"I don't care about the money."
"I do. I need a clean break, Luke. Oh, and after tonight, you can't call me anymore."
"Lorelai…"
"I won't pick up if you try to call me, Luke. I'm warning you." A car horn broke the silence. Lorelai peered outside. "That's my taxi. I need to go."
"Lorelai, this can't be it…"
She turned to him and saw the panic and pain in his eyes. The emotions she's been trying to hide behind her angry façade came rushing back and choked her. She looked at him for several minutes then smiled sadly as she reached up and touched his scruffy cheeks. "Goodbye, Luke. Don't feel too bad. You're a good man. You're a good dad. The last few months was hard for me but I know you'll do better next time. Just… just don't take anything else in your life for granted, okay?"
"Lorelai, please… I'm so sorry…"
She gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I know you are, hon," she replied, unconsciously using an old term of endearment. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll be happy again. And you'll be fine too. April's a great kid."
He tried to wrap her in his arms for maybe the last time, but she quickly moved away. "Lorelai…"
"Goodbye, Luke. Please leave your key with Babette tomorrow."
And with those words, she walked out of the door with her luggage in tow, not even looking back at the man she left standing rooted on the spot.
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