Tobias
It's been three years. Three entire years since her death. It has been a half of a year since I spread her ashes while flying through the sky with my body strapped into the zip line's halter. It has also been three years since Uriah had been unplugged. Zeke has been completely torturing himself, for the past two years. His eyes had a look of pure anguish. But now, he seems to have gotten better than before, with Shauna helping him. But I don't know how. I will never ever be the same since she has died. Zeke still misses him but Uriah's death doesn't rule his life, like Tris's as changed mine.
I suppose a fire that burns bright isn't meant to last….
She has been gone for those three entire years, the fire in her eyes is diminished. I haven't forgotten her though. Her blue-grey piercing orbs are still able to find their way into my mind. Every single second of every single day, the grief stays the same. It constantly pushes me to feel the agony more and more. I miss the way Tris's small, warm, and strong hand could fit into mine perfectly, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
Her bright eyes were so insistent, so strong, that they seemed to hold as much power as a brewing storm.
I have tried to accept that she is really gone, that the warmth isn't capable of radiating off her petite body anymore, but I can't. How do you let go of someone you love?
You don't.
It's impossible for me to forget her. I never will. I'm sure someday that the memory of her will start to fade, but I know that won't be for a long time. I love her. I love Beatrice Prior with every single part of my being. And I don't think I'll ever stop.
"Four?" I blink myself back to reality as Zeke waves his hand back and forth in front of my face." Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I mumble my response towards Zeke.
We have grown a closer relationship in the past few years, because we both know what it's like to lose somebody that we love. Zeke had told me that he doesn't blame me for what happened to Uriah. But I would.
"So as I was saying before you rudely zoned out," he interrupted his own sentence with a light chuckle," would you like to go with Shauna and I to the tattoo parlor?"
I had moved back to the dauntless compound with many other people after a little time in my new apartment. It just didn't feel right there, without her with me. Here, there are at least memories that I will never forget.
"Okay, that sounds good." I replied half-heartedly.
In about 10 minutes, we arrived at the parlor to see Shauna walking around examining her options of what too get. Shauna was finally able to fully do what she could with regular legs. The mechanic legs she got have really benefited her. She has seemed to have a lifted spirit ever since she had received them.
"What are you gonna get?" Shauna asked, directing the question towards Zeke.
"Ummm, I'm not really sure yet." He answered.
"Four?" She questioned facing me.
"I don't know." Something for Tris.
Bud walks towards us with Tori at his side.
"Hey, what can we help you with?" Bud asks us with a light smile.
"We're gonna get a few tattoos." Zeke responds.
"Okay. Tori, I'll take Zeke and Shauna, you good with Four?" Bud questions.
"Yeah. C'mon Four." Tori mumbles. She hasn't smiled in a long time. Ever since Tris's death actually. I guess Tris had a bigger effect on people then she had presumed.
We entered the back room and Tori walked over towards me with her materials clutched in both hands.
"So, what will it be?" Tori inquired.
"I was kind of thinking that I could get something like a fire. It could be engulfing two hands in flames as a bird flies from the hands…. A raven." I responded quietly.
This ink mark represents everything that I could possibly fit into my mind. The fire is the bravery and courage that Tris had overflown inside her little frame. The two hands were meant to represent the selflessness she occupied, even though she couldn't even realize it. And the raven. The raven represented the same thing as the tattoo that marked Tris's collarbone. Family. But this raven, it was different also. There was only one person who I will ever consider family. Only one single being that was closer to me than my own blood relatives. The only one person that was my family, my real, true family, is Tris. And it always will be Tris. She was and will be my permanent family, like this tattoo is permanently placed on my flesh. Having the raven fly out of the hands represents how Tris is uncontainable and uncontrollable. Her power was too strong for anybody to counter and she was insistent.
"Where would you like it, Four?" Tori asks me.
"Right here." I answer placing my finger right to my chest, where my heart is located.
"Okay." She mumbles as she starts working.
A few minutes of silence pass, which I am gladly capable of allowing to happen.
"Do you miss her?" Tori asks softly, almost as if she says it too loud, it may break me. But that doesn't matter, because I am already broken. I am a broken coward. Tris would admit to that. I tried to take the memory serum, so I could forget how cold and brittle her body was, after she was shot. And that was cowardice. She would hate you because of that. My mind hisses at me. And she would. She hated cowards. Peter was a coward. And now, I am too.
I suddenly find myself giving Tori an answer.
"Yes." Is all I'm able to wheeze out. It's like hell without her. No. It's not "like" hell, it is hell.
"Me too." She says to me.
"Yeah."
"You loved her." Tori mutters," Everyone knew. She changed you a lot, you know?"
"I still do." I state.
"And she obviously loved you too."
"Yeah." A light smile crosses my face. The first time I smiled since-
"I miss her." She whispers, her voice slightly cracking. I've never seen her like this. Tori has always been strong. She is different right now. Almost vulnerable.
"I do too." I reply gently.
"Okay," She stands and composes herself," Your tattoo is done. Have fun Four."
That is the most I have ever talked about Tris with anyone. Well except for one time with Christina.
Tori exits the room after placing a bandage over the new mark lying across my chest. I slide off the seat I was in and exit, walking into the front room. Zeke and Shauna are already there waiting for me.
"Hey." Zeke calls to me while waving.
"Hey." I say.
"So what did you get?" He asks.
"A tattoo." I reply sarcastically and Zeke chuckles.
He and Shauna start talking and I just zone out. Tris. She is the only thing that comes to mind. The sad thing is, even though I know for a fact that she is gone, I just sometimes have this feeling that she is still smiling. That her heart is beating lightly throughout her body. That her cheeks are still slightly flushed. That her body is still filled with warmth. That she is still alive.
But the thought of that, of her being alive, is just filling me with false hope. She did survive the death serum… a gunshot should be survivable then too. My mind thinks. She's strong enough. She could. She could survive. I shake my head, trying to stop from thinking about this. But she didn't. I saw her dead. My brain counters. It seems like I am having an argument with myself. I shake my head once more and stare straight ahead, ignoring my thoughts.
5 minutes later, we arrive in the cafeteria. Going in line to get food, I notice Christina stand up and start walking towards us.
"Hey." Her voice echoes through the café.
"Hi Chris!" Shauna replies.
"Hey. Four, how are you?" She asks.
"Fine." I reply.
I place a hamburger onto the plate that is held between both of my hands.
Her small petite fingers come to mind as I look at my own. Her blonde hair, her slim but strong arms, her muscled body, and her eyes. Her eyes. The blue-grey color always affected me. They were piercing.
"So Four?" Christina stopped talking after say that.
"What?" I glared.
"I have something to tell you." She says timidly looking away.
I just look at her and wait to hear what she needs to say.
"I know you won't be happy, okay? Just listen." She starts," Okay so you remember Lauren?"
I nod in response. Of course I do, she was the other trainer that I worked with.
"Well, I saw her yesterday. She came back to the compound recently and she and I talked for a little bit about life and she asked how you were."
"So?" I mumble, this is completely worthless.
"So? I figured out something. She likes you, Four." She states. Straight forward as always. Such a candor.
"Like a lot. So I might've accidentally… set you up with her… on a date... tomorrow." Christina isn't looking into my eyes. She avoids them so stubbornly that it seems like she feels that if she does look up, they will burn her to ashes.
…What?
My head is throbbing. It feels like it has its own heartbeat.
BANG!
My fist finds its way to the surface of the table and Christina's body flies up in the air.
"Calm down Four! You have been completely closed off from everyone since-"
"No."
"Please try, please."
"No!" I shout.
"That's it Four!" Christina starts to shout at me.
My black boots are slammed to the ground as I start to walk away. She of all people, cannot tell me who I will or will not date!
Christina darts up after me yelling my name. I do not feel like dealing with her.
"Are you kidding me?! Get back here!" She screams at me as she starts to match my pace.
"Go. Away." I say deadly quiet.
"You know what Four? I am NOT going anywhere just because you don't like what you're hearing! You ARE going to go out with Lauren once, just once if you hate it that much, but you WILL go with her!"
Squeezing my fists with fury, I glare at her.
"The day I let a candor tell me what to do, is the day I die." I growl so lowly it's barely audible.
Her eyes slowly close as she tightens her mouth to a straight line. "Tris would hate you." She whispers.
"You know nothing about her! You wouldn't know who she would hate!" Anger bubbles up through me.
"You are despicable! Yes, I wasn't her boyfriend, and I know I wasn't as close to her as you were, but let me tell you one thing Four. I was her best friend." Christina paused, "I know for a fact that Tris hated cowards. And you, Four, have become a coward! You are the worst coward I have ever met, you might even be equal to Peter!" I scoff at her remark but she continues anyway," You know why? YOU are supposed to be a leader. YOU are supposed to be a friend to these people. YOU are supposed to be the dauntless prodigy! But all you do, all you do is sit there and glare at these people that you are supposed to care for. You don't even talk to half the people you used to consider friends! I love Tris. She was my closest friend, Four, but she would have wanted you to move on, because she would understand. And she would want you to at least try. She would want you to be happy. Please try Four, please?" Christina's voice noticeably softened by the end of her "lecture".
"I am not going on a date with anyone" Is all I say to her.
"Four, she loved you, you loved her. You two were unstoppable. But now, it's over. And you need to accept that, I swear it gets easier when you do. Please, think about Tris. What would she tell you to do right now?"
My mind flashes to Beatrice Priors vibrant eyes as she squeezes the trigger of a gun for the first time. I picture her hands flying around as we experienced our first argument. What would she say?
Tobias. I picture words forming at her mouth as she speaks. I love you, Tobias.
My mouth forms a small smile as I think about her saying that. But, you need to move on. I can't cause you anymore pain then I already have. I love you, but please try for me.
Then I picture her dead figure on the cold floor, blood seeping through holes that were pierced into her body. David placed across her with his gun shaking in between both hands. I visibly grimace at that and only manage a one word response to Christina.
"Okay." I say so quietly that she has to lean close to hear me.
"What?" She asks, slightly confused.
"I'll do it." I say louder this time, so she can hear.
A slight smile finds a way to her face. "Thank you. Meet me in the pit at 5 o'clock." She responds with a full grin growing on her face.
"Okay." Is the only word I say before I turn around and rush away.
