I was, of course, very familiar with feeling like I didn't exist; I was obsessed with Sherlock Holmes and feeling like I was invisible and didn't matter came with the whole business. But then there was this rather different sort of man that had come along. His name was James Moriarty. He's still out there, somewhere. Like Sherlock Holmes, I helped his fake his death too…I don't quite know why I did it.
Though James was a consulting criminal, a sociopathic mastermind really, and he had blood on his hands from countless killings, he was the best boyfriend, actually, that I had ever been lucky enough to find; or unlucky, according to some.
'Lithium, don't wanna lock me up inside
Lithium, don't wanna forget how it feels without…
Lithium, don't wanna stay in love with my sorrow
Oh, but God I wanna let go'
I know I shouldn't be, but…I've been looking for him.
'Come to be, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.'
James was a killer but he was real, not some dream man that was too far out of any normal human's grasp, like Sherlock. I certainly wasn't in love with Sherlock, only obsessive; obsessive out of habit, nowadays.
'I can't hold onto me
Wonder what's wrong with me?'
I still obsess over that tall and handsome detective Sherlock that barges in and out of my lab inconsistently, making sure that no one sees him…but I miss Moriarty; It doesn't really bother me much that he kills people for a living…it scares me that if the time came that James tried to kill Sherlock again, I don't know if I'd try and protect the detective or just stand by and watch the madman's inevitable bullet sear through his skull…
'Lithium, don't wanna lock me up inside
Lithium, don't wanna forget how it feels without…
Lithium, don't wanna stay in love with my sorrow
Oh, but God I wanna let go'
But James wasn't like anyone else; not even like Sherlock as much as everyone would think. Both the men had similar minds, even similar hearts, though James had a harder time letting his true emotions shine through the thick layers of his fake ones that he always had out on display.
'Don't wanna let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go, let me go'
I admit, it is a very unhealthy relationship…but it was just that: a relationship, that is. First in too many years; only my second date in my history of dating. Also my first time doing…it, was with him.
I guess you could say James was my new obsession; but he was a physical one, which was more than I could have asked for. I made it through his outward and inward coldness of heart and found that one still warm bit of man that I could tell he used to be.
'I can't hold onto me
Wonder what's wrong with me?'
I was changing too…I craved his touch, his sing-song purr of a voice in my ear…
I was willing to do anything to get to him. Anything.
If I have to hurt people, even to tear them apart; to kill them…I've been around enough dead bodies. It doesn't worry me.
The still small voice in my head tells me to forget about him but I don't listen anymore.
I need him.
'Lithium, don't wanna lock me up inside'
I want him.
'Lithium, don't wanna forget how it feels without…'
And I am willing to do everything to get him back.
'Lithium, stay in love mmm'
So don't stand in my way, or I will cut you down without hesitation.
'I'm gonna let it go'
I learned that from him: how beautiful fresh blood is…
Red.
Like roses.
