CHAPTER 1

A/N – Hello everyone! I know, you must be wondering what the hell I am doing right now, writing something else than what I should, as in #ripongoingfics. Please don't despair, it's just one of those plot bunnies which are so crazy and stupid that one just HAS to write (God, I've been itching to write some crack!) And, as with all things love-related, it will be quick and dirty (why do I have the feeling that I said this before?! Hmmm… oh well.) Enjoy!


The mild autumn sun was warm, filtering through the rusting leaves and the breeze was gentle and soothing, playfully caressing Elizaveta's chestnut locks as she sat on a withdrawn bench under the trees, her neatly polished nails drumming softly on the binder in her lap. A mischievous smile lifted the corners of her mouth as she observed the crowd of students lingering in small groups around the school entrance.

"Ah, a brand new school year…" her friend Kiku sighed, slightly bored. "Well, at least with the joint classes we have this year, maybe we'll get to know some new people?"

"Heh, I actually think it's time for another round of 'Matchmaker from hell'…"

The brunet by her side became instantly livelier. "Wanna play again?!" he whispered, with barely contained excitement.

"Fuck yeah… last year was hella fun," Elizaveta recalled. "I'm so playing it again this year! You in, my dear partner in crime?"

"Hell, yes!"

Kiku shifted closer, clutching his books to his chest in anticipation as his friend was already scanning the students for potential victims. Clearly, he'd let the Hungarian choose, she had an infallible hand in picking compatible people and the two of them had one hell of a gift of bringing the couples together afterwards through joint effort and… a series of unfortunate events (because as we all know, the deepest loathing can bloom into a burning passion in the blink of an eye).

Next to him, face scrunched in concentration, Elizaveta was carrying out a meticulous analysis, which turned out to be quick and unforgiving. Not ten minutes later, the axe fell.

"Him," she stated with absolute determination, pointing a red-nailed finger in the direction of a certain bespectacled blond.

"…that grump? Are you sure?" Kiku inquired, looking uncertain.

Elizaveta grinned widely, clapping her hands together loudly. "Very! I say he needs to get some, so let's find him a fresh-faced, sweet little angel. You pick this time."

The Japanese's slender finger tapped thoughtfully against his plump lips as his dark eyes skimmed through the crowd in search for someone new and fitting.


Already heavy messenger bag slung awkwardly over his shoulder, Berwald walked up the stairs completely unsuspecting of the malevolent plan he'd just become subject to. He made his way down the hall to his first class of the day and was surprised to see that his friend Mathias Kohler was actually not late for once. The Dane looked a mess, as usual, his hair sticking in all possible directions, a baggy black t-shirt unflattering on his lanky frame and his faded black jeans stained with dirt.

"J'z's…" the Swede muttered under his breath, drawing closer and noticing that the other was busy staring in a very obvious manner at a small group standing by the lockers, further away. "M'rning, Mathias," he greeted.

"Berwald, my man!" Mathias jumped in surprise and slapped his palm on the other's back so hard that it nearly sent his glasses flying off his nose. "Aw, man, I'm telling ya, this year's gonna fucking happen!"

"Wh't?"

The Dane shook his head briefly, then motioned in the direction of the people he was observing presently. "I'm so getting into his pants, I'm telling you! All I have to do is get him invited to one of Francis's house parties and the booze is bound to do the trick. Heh, I mean it has worked before and shit." (i.e. *cough* with other people *cough*)

Berwald observed his friend's oblivious and mostly avoidant love interest, Lukas Bondevik, who was currently with his younger brother Emil and another boy he'd never seen before and-…

Oh.

"Who's th't with Lukas?" the Swede mumbled, blinking.

"Huh?" Mathias squinted and scratched his head. "Ah, that's… uh… Lukas's cousin, from Finland. Tony or… no, Tino something… He's just transferred here. Why?"

"N'thing…"

Just that Tino wasn't half-bad, in Berwald's humble opinion. Just like his cousin, he had that alluringly slender, delicate frame, pale cheeks barely dusted with pink and soft light-blonde hair falling in uneven bangs on his forehead, but he lacked Bondevik's cold vibe and his large, lilac-colored eyes had something childish and innocent, absolutely delightful. And when he smiled, the world became brighter.


Berwald had spent the day before in a state of uncharacteristic giddiness. He hadn't been able to focus on anything, neither on what the teachers were explaining nor on his friend's muffled ramblings. He could only think of Tino and Tino alone, as he'd been standing there in one of the pools of sunlight allowed by the building's tall windows, looking like a fairy prince. And, lo and behold, this morning the gods of fortune smiled down on the Swede, for there Tino was, all alone this time, setting his stuff in his locker with his back turned.

Berwald reveled in the sight of the smaller blond's ripped jeans, which allowed enticing glimpses of the pale skin underneath, as well as his extremely delectable backside, sighing dreamily and painfully unaware that the 'matchmaking' gods of hell were watching him in turn. Of course, it was much too early for Berwald to take any sort of action just yet (or so his tightly-fenced comfort zone advised), but standing there gaping like an idiot was sort of bad too, so he started off with light steps, slipping into the stream of students going in the direction of his next class.

Most unfortunately, his intention of passing by the Finn and getting an ever better, close-up view did not go unnoticed by his pursuer, who decided to shadow him closely, spotting an unexpected opportunity.

" 'sup Kiku?" Alfred asked casually, falling in step with the small Japanese student, who bore a determined expression on his face.

"New project," Kiku explained briefly, eyes on his prey, making the American (who was always game for this shit, truth be told) snicker lightly.

And while Berwald only stared, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly and nearly tripping on his own feet as he passed by the lockers, Kiku took action and delivered a quick, hearty slap to Tino's backside, achieving that sort of perfect synchronization which only came with extended practice. The Finn jumped and nearly banged his head on the top of the locker and, in the split second it took him to turn around, Alfred draped an arm around Kiku's shoulders, pulling the brunet close, then proceeded to answer Tino's shocked stare by shrugging and pointing his finger at Berwald's distancing back.

The Swede, as if feeling an unseen gaze burning the back of his head, looked over his shoulder and was met with Tino's wide-eyed expression. The smaller blond blinked slowly, stunned, his rosy, moist lips parted slightly in awe and Berwald mistook the subsequent scowl arching the other's delicate brow and the tightening of his lips as shy nervousness and a pleasant shiver ran down his spine as he averted his gaze and walked away to his class.


Elizaveta was of course pleased with the success of the newly debuted operation, but she knew that for the best results a certain amount of patience had to be exercised. Thus, they let a few days pass peacefully until the next move, which required careful observation and above all proper planning.

"Like, why do I have to do this?"

"Because you owe me, Feliks. Do we really need to go through that again? Maybe when your boyfriend is around, too?" the Hungarian stated bluntly. "It's not even that much of a favor. Look, all you have to do is to wait until everyone leaves and take care of it, I'll distract Toris if you need me to."

The blond sighed, grimacing. "Okay, but if anyone catches me, I will like, totally tell them that it was your idea!"

"Good luck with anyone believing you. Just don't get caught, okay?" Elizaveta replied sternly and shoved the screwdriver in the Pole's hand.


Already in his seat, Kiku pretended to leaf though his notes as he observed the students filing into the small amphitheater and occupying their desks. Now they could only hope that everyone would take their usual seats and that the plan would work.

"Feliks had better not have fucked this up," Elizaveta said, slipping into the seat next to her friend and setting her binder on the desk. It was surely going to be an interesting literature class this time and they had been careful to sit relatively close (but not suspiciously so) to their intended victims. "Normally all it takes is a bit of pressure and it won't last long."

Berwald had had similar thoughts in choosing his seat and had done so without arousing Mathias's suspicions either, since they were also close to the Dane's current love interest. He needed to be around Tino whenever he could, study him in silence, maybe even to take notes in reference of future approaching and that very thing spelled his undoing.

Everyone eventually settled and Mr. Edelstein cleared his throat softly, proceeding to launch into a lengthy, monotonous presentation of German romanticism. Elizaveta had a secret crush on the young teacher and hated to disturb his class, but this time it would be totally worth it.

"What if it's not gonna work?" Kiku whispered. "Maybe he's too light or something?"

"Bullshit! I'm gonna kill Fe-"

The Hungarian was brusquely interrupted, a cracking sound breaking the relative silence as Tino's seat gave out and he went under the desk with a yelp, in a flurry of scattered papers. In the following commotion, Mathias burst into laughter with a 'what the fuck' loud enough to reach the Austrian teacher's delicate ears (bringing an expression onto his aristocratic features that even Elizaveta thought priceless) and drawing the class's entire attention.

Berwald was watching with growing concern, hoping that the Finn hadn't gotten hurt in the mishap, but unfortunately Mathias also deemed it fit to observe out loud that someone had had too much to eat for lunch and this time the whole amphitheater burst into laughter. Lukas flipped him the finger and addressed him some obscenities which were drowned by the general noise, but the harm had been done – Tino and Berwald locked eyes and the Swede, embarrassed by his friend, quickly looked away, incriminating himself.

"Marvelous!" the Hungarian giggled, squeezing her friend's arm excitedly. "And since the big guy is already hooked, now all we need to do is to give Väinämöinen a little push."


"This is too much," Kiku said.

"No, it's not," Elizaveta replied smugly."It's just… bold."

"It's shameless…"

"Yes! Exactly! Berwald will be shameless… a big, shameless, sexy beast!"


Two days later, the Swede found himself watching in somewhat of a fascination as his crush examined the food offer and shared impressions with his cousins. By some miraculous luck, he'd managed to squeeze in line next to Tino at the cafeteria and now he'd even forgotten what he'd wanted in the first place, completely dazed.

"Yo Berry, snap out of it, man!" Mathias shouted from the back. "You're holding up the fucking line, I want to eat today!"

The Dane's booming voice alerted Tino of his stalker's presence, for he turned his head and threw the taller blond a brief glance and instantly scowled. Well, wasn't he so incredibly cute, pretending to ignore Berwald like that, he was so nervous too… Smiling secretly and giddy with unspoken happiness, Berwald picked a random dish from the rack and moved to pay.

"Oh, please excuse me," a brunette girl squeezed between him and Tino momentarily and ducked to check the ground. "I think I might have dropped something here earlier…"

A little while later, the Swede still hadn't touched his food, barely listening to Mathias, who was digging avidly into his meatballs and making plans for the parties to come, both utterly ignored by their respective crushes, who sat at a withdrawn table together with Lukas's younger sibling, Emil.

And then it happened. When Tino picked up his napkin, a neatly folded little note with a pink heart drawn on top fell from it. He opened it and his face darkened instantly.

"Just wait and see how I'm going to fuck that damn fine ass of yours, nice and hard!"

"Tino? What's wrong?" Lukas asked, noticing his cousin's suddenly gloomy mood.

The Finn passed him the note without a word.

"What the fuck?! Who wrote this shit?!"

Meanwhile, the unsuspecting 'culprit' was still sighing in contemplation, lost in the sheer bliss of this moment while soft, classic music was pouring from the sound system and he could lose himself watching Tino. Oh, life was beautiful! And then he saw the Finn standing up slowly, the most adorable expression on his face – his cheeks were deliciously flushed, his thin eyebrows furrowed and his lilac gaze was trained intently on Berwald. And he was so dazed that he barely saw the plastic plate filled with spaghetti Bolognese launched in his direction with impressive strength and precision by Tino's delicate hand.

The saucy dish hit the Swede in full, going splat against his face and making sauce and spaghetti bits fly all around before dropping in his lap with a light thud. Next to him Mathias went brusquely quiet and was in shock for a full minute, at least until Berwald removed his dirty glasses and the resulting 'white goggles' on his face finally made the Dane crack and double over the table.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

"Th'r's s'me on y'r f'ce too…" Berwald muttered, still stunned in the middle of the now general amusement and not quite able to comprehend what had occurred.

Mathias touched his own cheek and wiped some tomato sauce with a horrified expression, then jumped to his feet. "DO YOU WANT WAAAAR?!" he roared.

"Hey, go fuck yourself, Kohler!" Lukas snapped back, standing in turn, with a belligerent expression.

"What's that Norgie?! You want a piece of me?!" the Dane yelled. "Aww, there you go, baby!" He grabbed a handful of meatballs and threw them heartily at his intended lover.

But Lukas ducked swiftly and the load hit the innocent Francis Bonnefoy in his perfectly wavy hair.

"FUCK YEAH!" someone else shouted and from there all hell broke out.

Kiku and Elizaveta, who had taken prudent refuge under a table the very moment the Dane had stood up, were currently celebrating their little victory.

"Oh my God, such passion," Kiku said exhilarated. "I didn't know he had it in him!"

To be continued

A/N – OMG, this is so fucking stupid… *facepalms*