A/N: I really love the "I love you" belt that Rayna sometimes wears in D/R scenes throughout the series, but since it's never been addressed within the world of the show, I've always hoped someone would write a fanfic about it. To date I've never been able to find one (sorry if I somehow missed anyone's), so I've finally been forced to take matters into my own hands. ;)

(If by some chance you have no idea what I'm going on about right now, just google "nashville susie de santo i love you belt." There are also some decent shots of it in the episode stills for 3x21 and 3x22.)

I started writing this thing back when the show was still cancelled, mainly as an effort to give closure to the characters. I thought about putting the whole thing off till later when CMT picked up the show for another season (yay!) but I decided to finish it now anyway. It was meant to be a one-shot and it's already about 90% done, but it got a bit longer than I intended, so I'm just going to split the sections up.


01

She finds it at a thrift shop, of all places.

It's been years since Rayna's given herself the freedom to browse shops around town without purpose, to pick out clothes for herself and no one else: not the girls, not Teddy, not caring one bit what her stylist thinks. It's been even longer since she felt the need to be thrifty. But she still surprises herself sometimes.

The belt is casual and understated, not at all flashy like the vast majority of her usual stage attire. There isn't a rhinestone in sight. Instead, it's a wide band of dark leather—the words I LOVE YOU etched in teal lettering across the center, bookended by two five-point stars. Another trail of gold stars decorates both the head and tail. Maybe subconsciously she's even thinking of him when she decides to buy it. Maybe. Maybe not. She's married and she loves her husband and Teddy's been nothing but good to her, so she'd like to think she's not that reckless.

She takes the belt home with her that day, but it's easily forgotten as the months drag by. Rayna already owns a full collection of belts for every occasion, and it's not unusual for them to occasionally get lost and forgotten in the back of her cavernous closet. But she finds the image of this one returns to her when she least expects it, gnawing at the back of her mind as if trying to tell her something important. She isn't sure what causes her to pull it out half a year later and finally try it on for the first time, but it's a snug fit, the prong sliding neatly into the third hole.

She's still wearing it when she leaves the house that morning.

. …. …

They're wrapping up a long recording session when Tandy drops by for a visit, trailing a step or two behind the girls. Maddie is, as usual, overjoyed to see Deacon. All that little girl has to do is launch herself straight at him, call him her Uncle Deacon, and Rayna's heart is in her throat. It's bad enough that she starts seeing new parts of him in their daughter every day: little things, like the way the corners of Maddie's eyes crinkle when she laughs; the way she cradles the ¾-sized guitar Rayna got for her 7th birthday; even the way she sometimes looks at Rayna in wonder awe, as if she's the only other person in the world who matters. Whenever Rayna actually sees the two of them together in the same room, this lie starts feeling like a lead weight that could crush them all.

But Rayna finally looks away only to see Tandy watching with her eyebrows raised.

"Will you quit it?" Rayna knows she sounds exasperated, though she wishes she didn't: "I know what you're thinking, because it's what you're always thinking, but he's my bandleader and my friend. Nothin' more, nothin' less. That line has been clearly drawn." It's been nearly eight years and she hasn't told a soul. And yet Tandy still thinks she's on the verge of spilling the beans to Deacon every time they see each other. Still!

"You and I both know that when it comes to him, no line is ever clearly drawn."

Rayna sighs, louder than she probably needs to, but she can't honestly blame Tandy for feeling skeptical or overprotective. "Look, I promised I wasn't ever gonna say anything, and so… I'm not ever gonna say anything. That was the deal, and I intend to keep it. End of story."

Truth is, there was a time when she wasn't so sure she could keep her promise after all. That first year was the hardest. She cried herself to sleep nearly every night—as discreetly as possible so Teddy wouldn't notice, but she's fairly sure he still did, even if he was kind enough not to mention it in the morning. Half the time she didn't even know how she could possibly still be so emotional, but the tears wouldn't stop falling until the skin around her eyes was red and raw. When Maddie was three or four, when Rayna allowed herself a glimmer of hope that Deacon was truly serious this time about collecting his five-year sobriety chip, she nearly slipped up more than once. She had entire back-and-forth arguments about it inside her head, the two halves of her brain at war with one another: "Rayna, you know this whole situation is insane. You brought him back into your life. You did that. He has the right to at least know what you've been hiding from him in plain sight. / Hey, remember that you're a mama now. Maddie has to come first. The guy who doesn't even remember proposing to you that day, much less conceiving her? You don't owe him a goddamn thing. / Oh, so you wanna live in denial? Fine. Talk to me again when you're not still holding on to his ring like a life preserver—"

Rayna had always managed to stop herself before the truth could come floating out. Just like she'd always managed to stop herself before she could even think back to the silver band he'd slipped on her finger at the cabin that afternoon, to all those old letters and apologies stuffed inside a trunk in her music room—the only place she knew Teddy would never look.

Now it was too late. Once more, she glances over at the sound booth, where Deacon looks to be giving Maddie an impromptu guitar lesson as Daphne watches on. They would never forgive her for keeping this secret for so long. Neither of them would. The narrow window for coming clean, if there ever was one, is long gone.

"Remind me again why you invited him back into your band?" Tandy's voice cuts into Rayna's thoughts yet again, and she doesn't know how they could possibly still be on this topic. "As I recall, everybody in town was lining up to be your next lead guitar. You could've had your pick."

"Tandy?" Rayna plasters on the widest smile she can muster under the circumstances. "Have I already said thank you for spending the afternoon with the girls, and for bringing them out here? 'Cause if I haven't, then thank you, you know how much I appreciate you doin' that, but I am not going to have this conversation with you again today. Okay?"

"Hey, whatever you say, honey," Tandy says, holding her hands up in surrender. "I still think you're playing with fire."

(Deacon lags a few paces behind as they leave the studio that day. His gaze wanders as idle thoughts swim around in his mind, until a brilliant flash of blue finally catches his eye. There's a sudden, dull ache somewhere inside his chest when he first notices the I LOVE YOU that's hugging her hips, riding just above the pockets of her jeans. He remembers the days when she used to say those very words to him every day. Not in the platonic way she's taken to using the word "love" in recent years, insisting repeatedly that he's family, squeezing his arm and leaving her hand resting there for a beat too long—but in the sexy and heartfelt and breathless way she'd always said it back in the days when he was still lucky enough to have her in his bed. Eight years ago, when he left rehab for what he promised himself would be the final time only to find her hitched to Teddy Conrad, a baby on the way, he was naive enough to think those memories would eventually evaporate with time. Truth is, they still haven't. Truth is, he doesn't believe anymore that they ever will.

But he doesn't let himself to brood about that anymore.

Now Rayna drifts even further away from him with her girls in tow. Maddie and Daphne both turn to wave goodbye to him before they get in the car. Rayna looks back at him and smiles too, but she doesn't wave. A hint of sadness in her eyes, he thinks, but quickly brushes the phantom thought away as she heads for home.

The years tick by: eight, nine, ten, eleven… He starts measuring time by the number of birthdays since his last drink, the number of times he sits at home watching Old Yeller without her, the stream of other girls entering and exiting his bed becoming nothing more than a blur. As far as Deacon can tell, Rayna never wears that particular belt again, at least not when he's around. He's reminded of it once or twice, the image of those words flashing through his brain at the most unexpected moments, and wonders briefly where the belt has disappeared off to. Eventually, he forgets all about that one afternoon in the Soundcheck parking lot.

And if he ever tells her any of this? It won't happen until much, much later.)