Okay so this is my first fic in a long, long time... And my first ever Glee fic. I wrote this because I love Kurt and Baine's relationship, and also because I always aspired to be like Kurt. As I am trans ftm (and in the closet, sort of...) this is not that easy ;D. I've had to deal with a lot of similar things to Kurt in high school, and I wanted to rewrite parts of his story with this twist, mostly for myself. And then I figured I might as well share it. I hope you enjoy this!
following Kurt Hummel as he comes out as trans (ftm) to him friends and family, meets Blaine and faces the most trying struggle of his life so far. Will he be able to tell Blaine what he is going through and will Blaine be able to help? Trans!Kurt... Klaine is strong... CW: Gender Dysphoria, Disordered Eating, Depression.
Daisy slumped in his seat, hearing the words drift across the choir room to him. It had been one hell of a long day and this was honestly not what he needed. As much as he loved Mr Schue's inventive lesson planning, he always hated the weeks where they had to split genders, it reminded him of just how isolated he felt. He felt it every time he was shopping with Carol for new clothes and he got led over to the women's changing rooms, every time he had to use the rest room in public places, every time one of his teachers referred to him as "Miss Hummel." It never felt right. Every time he heard those words he wanted to cry, because he wasn't a woman. His body told him he was but his heart felt so out of place there, in that chest, that overly heavy chest. He had never been able to think about himself as a "she" or a "her," it just didn't seem to fit. Unluckily everyone else still did. They could never seem to look past his chest or his high voice or his name. That name that he hated. Daisy. He loved his mother and missed her like crazy but honestly, why did she have to go and call him Daisy?
From a few seats away, he saw Finn glance at him, worried. Finn was the only person he felt he could talk to about this, and since they had to share a room for a while it was pretty hard to hide the fact that something was going on. When they first sat down to talk about it, Daisy hadn't known what "transgender" meant, or about gender dysphoria, or that it really wasn't that uncommon. All he knew is that he was afraid and alone and felt like he didn't know who he was anymore. At first Finn had looked at him blankly while he talked, mouth slightly open and brows furrowed in confusion. "When I think about myself, I think about a boy. I don't think about... Me... It's always been like that, and I don't have a problem with it. It's just that when I look down at my body, or see myself in the mirror, I don't recognise myself. I can't see myself and I know that no one else can too. And most of the time I can forget, but then I hear someone say my name or refer to me as a girl and it comes back and hits me. And I feel like I can't do this anymore Finn. I can't keep living split into two halves. It hurts too much and I can't control it, I don't know what's wrong with me." After a moment Finn's eyes cleared and he pulled Daisy over to the computer. Tumblr. Of course, Finn's solution was to go on Tumblr. At first Daisy rolled his eyes but then he saw all of the post from different guys who were transitioning from female to male who felt exactly like he did and his breath hitched in his throat. "See this- you're not alone bro. There's nothing wrong with you, it's gonna be okay." Daisy had never felt more gratitude in any moment then he did then towards Finn. Tears rolling from his eyes he clutched his soon to be brother close. "Thank you, Finn. Thank you so much."
Honestly both he and Finn thought that Mr Schue would have been more sensitive considering the fact that other than Daisy and Finn, he was the only other person who knew. He didn't know like Finn did, after all, he had never meant to say anything at all, it just sort of... Slipped out.
A WEEK AGO.
As much as he was used to the bullying, this time it felt different. Something about Karofsky made her feel it was personal, and that terrified him. He had been walking down the corridor when he had felt her bag being pulled off his shoulder and used to slam him against the lockers, his phone sliding out of his grip and landing on the floor. There was barely had time to register his face staring down at him before red slushie clouded his vision. His knees buckled and he slipped down the lockers, where he felt a kick land against his side, not hard enough to bruise.
"Fucking homo."
Knowing they had gone he started trying to wipe the liquid out of his eyes, still slightly in shock from the cold, but gentle hands took his.
"D are you okay? Come on let's get you cleaned up."
Mr Schue helped him up and grabbed his stuff from the floor, leading him into the staff room, which was luckily empty. He led him over to the sink and grabbed a cloth to start cleaning his top. Instinctively he took his hand and stopped him.
"It's okay, I can do it Mr Schue, thanks though..."
He grimaced a bit looking embarrassed.
"Sorry yeah I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I always think of you as one of the guys, forget you're actually a girl. Oh crap no just forget I said that, I'm sorry I didn't mean..."
He laughed as he dug himself a deeper hole and he relaxed when he saw he didn't take it to heart. Suddenly his heart felt heavier in his chest as she looked at his teacher, a desperate longing for someone to understand. Without letting himself back down he quickly blurted out the words.
"Maybe you forget because I'm not, you know... One of the girls."
He regretted it instantly, deciding to focus very hard on scrubbing his red stained shirt.
"Daisy..."
"Please. Don't call me that."
He put a hand on his student's arm.
"What do you want me to call you?"
"Kurt, is Kurt okay?"
When he looked up, he saw that Mr Schue was smiling broadly at him.
"Kurt is great."
PRESENT DAY
Looking down, Kurt slunk over to the girls and sat down. So far he hadn't plucked up the courage to talk to the rest of the Glee club about his being transgender, he doubted most of them would know what it meant. A voice from behind him made him jump.
"Kurt. With the boys."
Heart pounding in his chest he picked up his bag and went to sit with the guys on the other side of the room. As he did, he felt Finn clap him on the back.
"Kurt... I like the name! Wait a second... Have you talked to your dad about this bro?"
In rehearsals so far, all of his ideas for the mash up had been shot down, he was really starting to fear that he would never fit in with the guys. He was worried that they still saw him as a girl, especially since he was still trying to be subtle, being in the closet, so when they suggested he go and spy at Dalton he was very surprised.
At home he pulled his best binder out of his drawer and pulled it down over his head, if he was going to do this, he needed to do it right. He had told his dad when he ordered it online that he needed it for cosplays, but since he never went to any conventions, he doubted Burt believed him. After that he pulled on a shirt and jacket that was as close to the Warbler's colours as he could manage and slunk downstairs. To his surprise, his dad was sitting at the kitchen table.
"Hey kid, wow. You look... Dapper..."
"Thanks, dad. Hair gel."
They both laughed for a second and then Burt beckoned him over.
"There's something you've been meaning to tell me isn't there? Finn is an awful liar you know. I mean I wish you had come to talk to me about all of this, instead of one of your teachers. I mean if you're gonna be my son I'd like to be the first to know about it!" Kurt couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"I can't say I fully understand, I mean this is going to take some getting used to... I mean if I'm honest I was always sort of expecting you to come out as a lesbian but... You still had that huge crush on David Bowie... I guess that should have clued me in a bit... I'm rambling aren't I? Okay, well what I'm trying to say it that... As much as I wish we could have talked about this first, I'm not going to reject you because of this, that would be stupid. And you look great, and I love the name. Kurt, it's a good one, I might have even chosen it myself if I knew I was going to have a boy. And I love you, Kurt. I want you to know that." By the end of his speech tears had begun to fill his eyes, as well as his son's. Without delay, Kurt flung his arms around his dad, who patted him on the back before pulling away and smiling at him.
"Now go on, Kiddo, you don't want to be late!"
"Thanks dad, I love you too."
As soon as he got out the door, Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Finn's number.
"Hey man what's up?"
"What the hell Finn! You said you wouldn't tell my dad!"
"Woah woah hold on a minute! I may have... Accidentally referred to you as Kurt in front of your dad, but I thought I covered up pretty well... Okay no I didn't. But I didn't say anything about it and neither did he. Kind of thought he already knew kid."
"So do you..."
"Think he was waiting for you to come out? Yeah I do. As soon as you told me, it kind of made sense, for Mr Schue and the glee kids as well. He's your dad, of course he knew, probably before you did, Kurt."
"Oh... Oh. Well, in that case, I'm sorry for the... Overreaction."
"You gay kids, always so dramatic."
"Hey! You can't just stereotype like that Finn it's not cool!"
"Yes! I knew you were gay!"
"Okay that's not fair."
"See you later bro!"
With that Finn hung up.
When he arrived at Dalton Kurt was amazed at how big it was. At first he took a few minutes to look around, honestly wishing he could transfer here, just to be way from Karofsky. He was just looking up through a glass dome when suddenly the corridor started bustling around him. Confused, he walked down the spiral staircase, before calling out to someone near to him as he got near the bottom.
"Excuse me, um... Can I ask you a question? I'm new here." The boy who turned around was surprisingly cute. He wore a little too much hair gel for Kurt's liking but his eyes were so kind, as they latched onto Kurt's, he held out his hand.
"My names Blaine." Kurt opened his mouth slightly, surprised. Only them did he realise that a little part of him was still expecting the first person who looked at him to yell "imposter, imposter!" Or "you're a girl." Or one of the gross nicknames that Karofsky had developed over time. But he didn't, he just smiled. Now knowing what else to do, Kurt smiled back and shook his hand.
"Kurt... So what exactly is going on?" He looked around, indicating the mass of students. Blaine acted surprised, as if he ought to know already.
"The Warblers, every now and then they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons. Tends to shut the school down for a while." It took a minute for Kurt to process what Blaine had just said. I mean the One Directions had started food fights by doing impromptu performances before.
"So wait the glee club here is kind of cool?" Blaine now looked entirely dumbfounded.
"The warblers are like rock stars! Come on!" With no warning, Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand. He could his heart speed up instantly.
"I know a short cut."
Holding tight to Kurt's hand, Blaine ran with him through the corridors of Dalton, and Kurt could just hear himself thinking "No. No. You cannot fall in love with him!" Running with Blaine filled Kurt with pure adrenaline, he couldn't help but grin wildly. When they arrived at a large pair of double doors, Kurt once again found himself feeling oddly isolated.
"Woah I stick out like a sore thumb." He wasn't expecting Blaine to hear him but his reply filled him with hope.
"Well next time don't forget your jacket new kid, you'll fit right in." Blaine smiled and aCtually winked at him, Kurt didn't think anyone did that outside of movies. He was so busy thinking to himself "yeah... My jacket and my dick..." That he almost didn't notice as Blaine moved to become the soloist of the Warblers.
"You think I'm pretty
Without any makeup on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the punchline wrong
I know you get me
So I let my walls come down, down
Before you met me
I was alright but things
Were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my Valentine, Valentine"
As Blaine sang, his eyes locked onto Kurt's and he could see the vulnerability hiding below his smile. This boy was afraid, and he definitely was not a Dalton student. He felt like that song was their song, just in that moment. This strange, quiet boy who swayed softly to the song seemed like he could be nothing but a dream.
"My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back"
He knew that Kurt needed help, and a part of him wanted desperately to be the one to provide it.
Okay so this was my first chapter... Please let me know what you think! It's gonna start taking off pretty soon and possibly move away from the canon more, but we'll see... Hope you enjoyed, it would mean a lot if you left a review...
Mikhail xx
