A/N: Woot, my first story! I hope this comes off as I want it to. My goal is to contribute as much laughter to this world as possible. I hope this is actually funny instead of just stupid and offensive. I would love to know your opinions.
It wasn't until one day when Reid was thinking about various things he would do to Morgan in bed (most of which involved whipped cream, and all of which involved nudity and lotion) that Reid stopped to think, "I'm gay!"
This thought surprised him so much that he actually said it out loud. "Hey, guys. I just realized that I'm gay!"
He was sitting at his office at the BAU. His comment was directed at Morgan and Prentiss, who were doing paperwork; and JJ and Garcia who were sitting on Reid's desk attempting to braid his hair, much to his protests.
Garcia laughed. "You're not gay! Now sit still and let me braid your hair!"
Gideon came running out of his office at top speed. "Did Reid just say he's gay?"
Everyone nodded their heads.
"There's something I've wanted to do for a long time," Gideon said, getting down on one knee. "Spencer Reid, will you marry me?"
Reid considered. Gideon was very sexy, and probably pretty experienced. He wasn't Morgan, but something about old men was just so appealing to Reid.
"Will you buy me a new car?"
"Of course."
"Will you buy us a house and let me paint it pink?"
Gideon paused. "If that's what you want..." He didn't like the idea of pink. He wanted the house to be entirely covered in sequins.
Reid thought about all the things he wanted. "A vibrating massage chair?"
"Umm... sure?"
At this point, Reid was almost convinced. "One last question. Can we have naked parties and invite the entire BAU?"
Gideon looked away, tears starting to form in his eyes. "I... I can't do that for you, Spencer..."
"Then I can't marry you," Reid said, as calmly as if Gideon had just asked him if he wanted a ham sandwich instead of proposing.
Gideon promptly ran away crying. "I knew I wasn't good enough!"
"God, Spence. You expect people to believe you're gay and you won't even marry Gideon?" JJ asked.
"But..."
Prentiss nodded. "I mean seriously. If you were gay you would have jumped on the chance to marry a man who had never previously expressed any kind of sexual or romantic feelings for you that just so happens to be almost old enough to be your grandfather. I mean, it's not much, but it's not like you can do any better."
Reid hung his head down sadly. He was sure they were right. Maybe he should call Gideon after all...
"Reid, you're as straight as I am. Stop it with your cries for attention," Morgan said.
"BUT I'M GAY!" Reid yelled. Why wouldn't anyone believe him?
The four stared at him critically. "Maybe he's just confused." Garcia said.
At that point Hotch walked over. "We have a case. A serial killer who tortures his victims brutally and then burns them alive. The body count is over 30."
"Sir, with all due respect, I have to tell you that we have bigger problems here," JJ said.
"Reid actually thinks that he's gay," Prentiss said bemused at the whole idea.
"Dear God! This has to be corrected. All of you go convince Reid that he's straight. No matter what it takes. And I mean no matter what." Hotch looked at JJ and Prentiss meaningfully. "As for the case⦠I've got this one!"
He wore his usual serious expression and removed his cut-away sport jacket revealing a superhero cape. "Gideon! Come fight crime with me!"
Gideon returned out of nowhere, now wearing a smile on his face. "Yessir!"
"So how can we convince Reid he's straight in the most embarrassing possible way?" Prentiss asked.
Garcia and JJ suddenly had evil smiles pondering all the evil things they would do to him.
"Oh, I know," Morgan said. "Why don't we take him to a strip club?"
The girls all nodded their heads in agreement.
"But Morgan, I don't want to go there! Girls are so icky! Don't let them touch me!" Reid said.
"It'll be fine. Trust me. I go to these places all the time," Morgan said with shifty eyes, looking back and forth as if to see if anyone believed him.
"When I'm naked and alone at night I always think of you," Reid said meaningfully.
Morgan frowned. "That's weird. When I'm naked and sweaty in bed, I always think of you!"
Emily's jaw dropped. Reid moved a folder of paperwork to cover up his excitement at the thought of Morgan naked and sweaty. No one else seemed to register that it was an unusual thing to say.
"Alright! Let's go to a fucking strip club people!" JJ yelled in the middle of the FBI office at 10 am, indifferent to the stares she was getting.
"Let's do it!"
A/N: Silly boys, don't they know they should be the ones getting naked together instead of going to see gross female hookers getting naked? BTW, I would totally marry Reid and buy him a car, pink house, and vibrating massage chair. And we would hold naked BAU parties. Actually, that pretty much sounds like my ideal life. Am I right? Next chapter shall be the strip club. Please review, it helps me get motivated to update faster. I love reviews, the good, bad, and the ugly. I love to hear what people think! Thanks for reading! :)
