The breeze from the sea blows steadily and fragrant with seaweed and a slight hint of fish. My dress pulls against my legs as if trying to leave before me. My tears have mingled with the salt of the sea, drying on my face in stiffening lines and my hair wisps and whips around my face as if uncertain where to rest.

The sun sets in a glory of orange and gold and I can barely see the tiny ship that cares my mother away.

Mother!! How can you leave us!! I think tiredly for yet another time. How can you do this? How?!!!

I swallow dryly and slowly turn to look at those left standing. My grandparents have wrapped themselves in their sorrow as if it was an impenetrable cloth of smoke and fog and walked slowly back into the lowering dusk. I do not see them nearby.

My brothers and father stand immobile. They look so much alike, though father is slightly taller than Elladan and Elrohir. They are all dressed in various shades of gray and pale rose. In spite of mother's wishes, none of us could dress in cheerful colors. I did make her a bouquet of flowers from her favorite garden in Imladris, which I gave her as she stepped on the gangplank. She kissed me and then kissed the flowers, her eyes closed tightly. Father had preserved them perfectly on our long trip here to the Grey Havens.

Grey Havens!! Grey is too weak a color for the all the emotion this place engenders. It should be called the Black Havens, a place of misery for all of us left behind!! I hate it here!!

"Father, please, can we leave now?" I say finally, hating the petulant whine in my voice. "Ada, please, I can't bear it any more!"

Father turns to me, his eyes as dead as last year's autumn leaves. My brothers lower their heads, Elrohir wipes his eyes and turns and moves a few feet away. Elladan and father just stand there. Feeling, no doubt, that one step back would finally acknowledge mother's departure irrevocably.

I cannot bear this paralysis that has descended on us, and suddenly, I turn and run for the quay where our horses stand, their heads bowed as well.

I do not acknowledge Cirdan or the other elves who helped set the ship free from its moorings. I grab my horse by the mane and vault onto her back. Heedless of how this must look, I kick my poor mare hard in the ribs and she takes off as if a hoard of orcs are on our tail.

I gallop, maddened by my grief through the small town that surrounds the shipyards and take the road east into the deepening twilight. I know I made a promise to my mother to be brave for my father and brothers, but what difference does it make now? She is not here to see!! She's gone! Tears blur my sight. But sight is not necessary now and my horse, sure footed as is all her kind, runs like the wind. She knows the way home when it comes to that.

In only a few moments, in the far distance, I hear the pound of hooves behind me, and a shout, but I urge my mount on even harder. I cannot bear their saddened faces or company now. And because I have the lead, the rider cannot catch me. I scream my anger to the wind and bow my head to the bobbing neck of the horse.

Night descends and I am happy at last!! It is black and dark!! No color to let my thoughts stray from the despair in my heart.

Mother! How can you leave me! Who am I going to talk to about things only a woman understands!! Matters of the heart? What happens when I marry!! Or have children!! Your experience cannot be replaced. Oh mother!!

I race my poor horse to exhaustion. She stumbles and I finally stop her headlong rush. I slide off the poor beast, her sides heaving and her head drooping. I lay my cheek on her nose and feel her warm breath. Laying a hand on her neck, I wish I had my father's healing touch to give her relief. I bow my head and my tears fall again, dripping onto her hot, sweaty hide.

I want to jump out of my skin, I am so unhappy. I walk off the road, having no idea where I am right now. Climbing up a small hill to my left, I sweep through the underbrush mindless of the brambles and scratches I receive. My mare follows behind listlessly.

Once at the top, I can see how far I have ridden, the lights of the harbor mere little twinkles far away. I slump at the base of a tree, so tired, I cannot keep my eyes open. I curl up in the dry leaves and mindlessly sleep, too tired to even dream.


To be continued............
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