I May Be A Tiny Chimney Sweep
But I Have an Enormous Broom
Idea by Cassandra Claire
Lyrics (this version, anyway) by lone astronomer
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cassandra Claire (but I did ask permission to post this), Draco Dormiens, or, sadly, Sirius Black. Drat my luck.
I don't own the perverted mind that came up with the lyrics, either. That belongs to my twisted muse, Janine, who lives in my fingers. The stagemaster is based loosely on my music teacher… but if you find out who that is, I'll deny it.
* * *
SIRIUS: (gets pushed up on stage) Aw, you loony, do I have to sing it again? (Sways dangerously to the side but regains composure)
STAGEMASTER: Jus' do it, you old drunk!
SIRIUS: Who's he callin' old, anyway? (clears throat and begins to sing in a surprisingly on-key voice)
Oh, people might say
As they walk down the street
That I'm tiny, short, puny-
A little chimneysweep
But I'll tell you quite honestly
I've no secrets to keep,
That no sweep in London has
A bigger broom than me.
CHORUS:
Oh, I may be a tiny chimneysweep
But I have an enormous broom
The chimneys in London
Are dirty and old
All full of ash, dust,
Soot, woodchips and mould
So a little chimneysweep
Is always your best bet
I can fit down your chimney and
I ain't bad in bed
CHORUS
The ladies up by London bridge
That know me by my name
Have my number on their fridge
Find my job such a shame
I never miss a call, you see
Ask anyone you meet.
The sights and sounds of London town
Aren't all found on the street
CHORUS
Oh, people might think
That my job is a bore
That I don't sleep a wink nights
'Cause my girlfriend's a whore
They're right, of course,
But as you'll all see
There ain't a sweep in London that has
A bigger broom than me
CHORUS
A sweeper's broom's his pride and joy
His showcase to the world
A broomride's like a joyride, just
A little bit more porn
And when the joyride's over
You don't have to wash the car
But the sheets on the master bed
Are way beyond repair.
CHORUS
Having Britain's biggest broom, y'see
'S not always such a charm
If I'm careless when I use it
I could cause somebody harm
Even for a little guy
The flues are quite a squeeze
And plenty blokes down in the square
Are "littler" than me.
CHORUS
Now that you know the bottom half
Of not-so-tiny me
It's time I came to know you too
Wouldn't you agree?
Blonde, brunette, redhead
Baby, bring it on
And by the time I'm through with you
Your mind'll be half-gone
CHORUS
I'm not a pervert, no sirree,
No ma'am, no child, no way
This sick mind simply has to do
With the way I spend my day
If you spent all your afternoons
Up a chimney flue
With all the carbon monoxide fumes,
You'd be perverted, too.
CHORUS
Spiderman is radioactive
And Batman's celibate.
Superman's got a weakness
Her name is Lois Lane
And kryptonite'll kill him too
We can't forget ol' Lex
But let me in between those legs
I'm just like him for sex
CHORUS
Beyond the call of duty
Of cleanin' out the flues
Beyond the fireplace itself
I'm bound to leave no clues
So single, married, one and all
Worry not your pretty heads
An' I'll make a lengthy visit to
Your comfy little beds.
CHORUS
See that short bloke on the street
Dirty face and callused hands
Look closer, darling, don't forget
The banana in me pants
Truth of the matter is
"Banana"'s not the word
You'll shout within five seconds
If not, I'll eat the world
CHORUS
The passin' o' the broom is
Our family history
Me grandpa, me uncle,
One o' me sisters, even
An' when we're all gone,
The trade shall not die
For our giant brooms live on
Inside each and every guy
(*and some of the women,* he adds drunkenly, trying not to look at anyone in particular as he mentions this)
CHORUS
I'm just a lowly sweeper
Lookin' for a good time
If you want to have fun with me
Well, sugar, that's just fine
Like I said, a chimney sweep
Is always your best bet
If I don't know you then I think
It's high time that we met
CHORUS
-END FOR NOW-
Okay, there are six or so more verses to go, which I haven't thought up yet. Three are Sirius' and the rest go with the 'real' song (yea, right).
P.S. - Rave's version is better, but… oh well.
