A/N: Hey, remember when we compared every anime to Madoka Magica? That was stupid. Nowadays, we're comparing every video game to Dark Souls, like responsible adults. Let's also have a toast for Super Watermelon Island finally airing next week! It's been forever since the last Stevenbomb, and honestly, those just leave me exhausted. Let's hope that Season 3 has more consistent airings. Oh, and that Madoka gets another movie. Homucifer needs to be saved/defeated/ride into the sunset with in Madoka's arms, and I'm still not satisfied after all these years, dammit! Never lose hope, my friends.

Seawater slowly mixed with tears as Pearl sobbed harder than she ever did in her life. Rose was dead. Garnet was dead. Amethyst was dead. And, even though Pearl wasn't exactly sure how many, she was certain that most of her beachside middle school was dead, too. There was, however, one sign of life that was in immediate sight.

"Quite the catastrophe we have here," Kyuubey observed. "But then again, I always find it beneficial to put a positive spin on a situation. For example, you just became eligible for an offer of mine."


Working under pressure was never Pearl's strong suit. Before her magical girl career, she was often called a perfectionist, and she mostly took those comments in stride. Other times, it was geared as an insult, and it made her self-conscious. But after living a few loops, Pearl constituted the virtue of not sweating the small stuff. Not everything had to be perfect. Not all mistakes were fatal. Not everyone had to live. After all, there was only one thing that mattered by the time May came around; only one person that mattered.

Was that inhumane? Maybe.

Was she human anymore? Pssh. Not a living one, that's for sure.

Did she still crack under pressure? Oh, like hell she would. Who'd be there to save Rose?

Storch is the Ballet Witch. Her nature is self-loathing. Every day, she tries to dance out her labyrinth to be with her beloved, only to be stopped by her familiars. She has abandoned all hope, for Hope has abandoned her. Her familiars' duty is to keep all whom wander into her labyrinth imprisoned in cages.


Rose Q. Diamond was a pretty ordinary girl. She went to Beach City Junior High with her twin sister, Jasper. People started awful rumors that Rose was the good twin and Jasper was the evil one, but Rose knew enough about her sibling to know that Jasper had a soft spot. And besides, if Rose was the good twin, would she be dating a dropout that was trying to bring hair metal back from the dead?

"Well, no," everyone in Beach City would say. "Rose loves Greg because Rose loves everyone."

In return, Rose would have to overcome the urge to bang her head with the nearest blunt object. She liked being nice, but she hated how being nice made a person seem so gullible. She was fourteen and she was a rebel, gosh darn it!

Stephanie is the Witch of Eden, and it is in her nature to find beauty in everything. She will not rest until the entire universe is her garden; her labyrinth. Her familiars' duty is to ensnare the world in thorns.


A few years back, there were two kids that wanted to get married. Everyone thought it was cute, even though they were both girls. All was well.

So, obviously, Sapphire's parents HAD to move away. So unfair.

But as if the universe had a spontaneous burst of justice, Ruby was confronted by an alien that granted wishes. Ruby immediately wished that she could 'be together with Sapphire forever.'

Kyuubey obliged.

All her life, Garnet lived alone. She had two Soul Gems to take care of and regarded contracts as very, very big commitments.

Unity is the Witch of Potential, and her nature is intense. She sees all what could've been the future, but has forgotten the past. In result, she hates the reality that she is currently in and how hideous her form has become. Her familiars are made out of burning ice, and their duty is to share their pain of existence with the world.


Amethyst was short. She has always been short. She had grown up being short. She eats a lot to help her get big and strong, but her doctor kept telling her that strategy wouldn't exactly work. Her mother said that even though she was small in size, her spirit only grew by the day. Amethyst thought that line was cheesy, but she secretly took those words to heart. After all, it was a pun, and weren't puns supposed to be shitty and awesome at the same time?

Amethyst had a friend. Her name was Peridot. She was never the outdoorsy type, mostly because she didn't have any legs. How this came to be, Amethyst never asked. She was never the kind of person to drag someone's dirty laundry out in public. Well, at least figuratively. In the literal instance, it was a pretty funny gag if Peridot and Amethyst didn't get caught.

The point was, when Amethyst first met a genie shaped like the second weirdest cat ever, she didn't think about herself. She was never the type to have dreams or goals. Those belonged to people who mattered. So, Amethyst thought about someone who mattered. Someone who couldn't help but brag nonstop. Someone who said that she was going to change the world with her brilliance and League of Legends skills.

And hey, as an added bonus, Amethyst can pull out whips whenever she wants. She's got whips for days, yo. WHIPS FUH DAYYYS.

Obdachlos the Puma Witch. She has a careless nature. Nothing matters to her, and it confuses her that anything matters to anyone. Her familiars' duty is to go get her anything shiny or spicy.


When Peridot woke up to see that she grew a new pair of legs, she screamed for a solid hour. Of shock, of ecstasy, and of confusion. Doctors were baffled. The religious said that it was proof of a thousand different gods. She would've lapped her block seventeen times over that morning if she hadn't forgotten how to walk.

That evening, her best friend offered to tell her how this had happed if she 'promised not freak out, okay?'

"Amethyst, please," Peridot said, "whenever have I ever been known to freak out about anything?"

"Funny," Amethyst shot back, "But seriously, you have to, y'know, not tell anybody and shit, 'kay?"

"I can't guarantee that she'll see me, Amethyst," Kyuubey informed.

"HOLY FUCK, WHAT IS THAT?!"

"Q-Dawg, you're killing me here," Amethyst groaned. "She had to promise first!"

Peridot spent a week making list after pros-and-cons list of what wish to make. It boiled down to 'be the supreme ruler of planet Earth,' and 'become the best at video games ever.' Amethyst shot both of those down ruling the world would have her held responsible for everything, and that always winning at anything would be pretty boring. Afterward, Kyuubey said that wishing for infinite wishes was downright impossible since one girl could never afford to make an infinite amount of Soul Gems.

So instead, Peridot went for the classic 'million-billion dollars' option out of frustration. She spent it all to make a giant robot and uses it to fight witches.

Unit-05 is the Drill Witch. Her nature is disrespectful. Her labyrinth is a massive junkyard of broken toys, which she throws violently in her tantrums. Her familiar's duty is to build a tower of scrap tall enough to reach heaven, but they will never succeed.


Lapis Lazuli was the kind of girl that could never get a break. Lately, those problems arose from an emotionally distant girlfriend. Jasper was the type of person that was hard to approach, and it was even harder to get her to open up. It had been a turning point for Lapis when Jasper stopped tell people where exactly she was going.

So, Lapis decided to start following her girlfriend around. You know, like a chaperone or bodyguard. A secret bodyguard. A practice of which, as Lapis convinced herself, WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT LIKE STALKING AT ALL. Lapis considered her girlfriend to be her responsibility, after all. Protecting the people you love was not stalking. Stalking was for strangers. Stalking was for the type people that Lapis wanted Jasper to avoid associating with.

Stalking was for mysterious little animals that had the power to turn invisible and read Lapis' mind.

Despite that particular opinion, Kyuubey insisted that he was here to help. He explained the deal he wanted to make with Lapis in considerable detail, and it did sound very beneficial. Become a superhero, and get one wish granted. Lapis was not a selfish person, so she decided on a wish that would improve both herself and the girl she loved. She wished that Jasper would be more open with her feelings towards her.

As it turned out, Jasper was aware of Lapis' way of 'chaperoning' and was more than a little uncomfortable with it. She thought this was just kind of a phase, and was willing to let it slide for the time being. Beforehand, she believed that getting angry about it was more trouble than it was worth. Then, as if by magic, she got angry about it.

As Kyuubey would put it: Human behavior has always been irrational, but given enough perspective, it's immensely predictable.

As Lapis would put it: No no no no no no no this isn't happening this was never supposed to happen this isn't what I wished for she didn't mean any of it no of course she meant it that's what I wished for I'm such an idiot for trusting a stalker now I'm the stalker I'm the bad guy STUPID WISH IT WAS MY STUPID WISH SHE WOULDN'T HATE ME NOW IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU I HATE YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID CAT IT'S MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT-

Malachite is the Witch of Imprisonment, and her nature is vindictive. She would do anything for love, but she's forgotten who she was in love with. She waits in labyrinth specifically for magical girls, wanting to trap them there and make them feel as miserable as she does. Her familiar's duty is lash out with heavy chains.


HEY, BOYS AND GIRLS! THE CIRCUS IS IN TOWN! COME AND

help us

SPREAD THE CHEER FOR TWO DAYS AND ONE NIGHT! TICKETS ARE FREE! WE ARE FREE! YOU WILL BE FREE! THAT'S RIGHT, WE'VE SPOILED THE TWIST! YOUR LIFE IS PART OF OUR SHOW. IT ALWAYS WAS. EVERYONE'S

suffering

IS A FARCE AND YOUR

pain

IS NOTHING BUT A WRETCHED LIE TO US. NOTHING BAD REALLY EXISTS, BECAUSE ALL THE WORLD IS OUR STAGE TO PERFORM! IT'S ONE BIG ACT, FROM ONE SHINING CITY AFTER THE OTHER. AND THE STAGE IS SET!

THE CHARACTERS HAVE THEIR ROLES!

THE CROWD WILL ROAR!

THE DATE IS EMINENT!

BLOOD WILL SPILL!

THE WORLD WILL MEET ITS

death

BEFORE THIS CARNIVAL DOES!

WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE BEST AND LAST NIGHT OF YOUR LIVES!

Walpurgisnacht. Walpurgis Night. Warupurugisu no Yoru. All are fake. All refer to the date, the event, the destruction that she causes. The true name of the Stage-Constructing Witch is unknown, because she is a cluster of other witches. Her nature is helplessness. The duty of her familiars is to be clowns. Run. Run. Run until you can no longer hear the trumpets. This is not a human. This is not a witch. This is a storm.