Chapter 1 / Ben
Benjamin Wonderson was a man who lived in the small town of Goodork, New Mexico. He loved him a fresh owl for dinner, but since those were hard to find in the desert, he often ate rats instead.
He cooked up many rats at a time, up to 19, and ate them right from the cauldron. Man, he could eat 30 in one night. He was not a skinny man. He grew to love rats eventually, and ate them and ate them until he got so fat he could barely move at all. He ate so many that he forgot what owls taste like.
Owls taste good, he thought, But rats are much better. They have kind of a zesty flavor. No wait... rats taste funky. But funky in a good way.
One day, Benjamin decided to go into the city to buy a new shirt. He hated Santa Fe, but it would have to do. He was badly in need of a new shirt. All of his old ones were either ripped or stained with rat blood. So he took the bus to Santa Fe.
When he got there he looked for a good clothing store. First, he tried Men's Wearhouse, but all the shirts were about $100. Then he went to Joseph A. Bank. They always seemed to be having a sale. They were currently having a "National Sales Day Sale." All shirts, pants, sports jackets, suits, and belts 50% off. Only at Joseph A Bank. Benjamin remembered seeing the commercial on TV. He went in and purchased a good shirt for $49.99. But all of a sudden, a man wearing a ski mask came in and waved a gun around. "Everybody! On the floor! Hands behind your head! NOW! Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt." He went up to one of the cashiers. "Open the register! You heard me! OPEN IT!" Ben, in the meantime, had gotten up and crept up behind the robber. He slugged the robber in the back of the head with his fist. The robber fell down from the blow and dropped his pistol. Ben pulled off the robber's mask. "Doug Dimmwitt. Knew it," said Ben.
"Ben Wonderson. Should'a known." said Doug. "You ain't gonna stop me this time." He reached for his pistol, but Ben kicked his arm, breaking it.
"You...you broke my arm, damn you superhero!" Doug exclaimed.
"I'm no superhero, just someone who's a little...above average." Benjamenki replied.
"Yeah, ok, Sportacus, go back to Lazy Town." said Doug mockingly.
"Sorry, I don't do children's television. I just kick criminals' asses."
They fought an intense fight. Doug picked up the gun and fired 3 shots. One shattered a front window, the second went through a mannequin, and the third knocked a hat off the shelf. Ben pulled an AK-47 assault rifle out of his man-purse and inserted a fresh magazine.
"Don't worry, although I'm not licensed to kill, I do have a learner's permit," said Ben.
Doug pulled out an M4 carbine with about a million attachments from his bag. "Bring it," he said. Ben was the first to fire, but Doug ducked under the spray of bullets.
"Good gun, but a bit out-dated," said Doug, "Feel the wrath of modern technology. This one has a computer targeting system that I invented myself."
He was so busy bragging that he didn't even notice Ben creeping up behind him. Doug boasted on and on, "And it also has one of those laser thingies. I love those. And a grenade launcher. Oh and did I mention the laser?" Smash! Suddenly, Ben knocked Doug's M4 to the ground. Something inside it shattered. He jumped up and down on it, and heard several shattering and crunching noises. "NOOOOOOOO!" exclaimed Doug. "You will pay for this, Wonderson! PAY! In fact you owe me 50 THOUSAND DOLLARS for the damage!"
"How about I take you out to dinner instead? I'll give you a swift serving of justice!" said Ben heroically. And with that, he kicked Doug right into the approaching police cars. They arrested Doug. "Don't forget, you still owe me 50 thousand dollars! FIFTY THOUSAND!" shouted Doug as he was shoved into the back of the police car. "And you're under arrest, too, Mr. Wonderson." said the Police Sergeant.
"ME?! WHY?" exclaimed Ben in shock.
"You pulled out a gun and opened fire right in the middle of Joseph A. Bank. You put hundreds of innocent lives in danger. And you hurt poor Doug Dimmwitt's arm." said the sergeant. Ben was shoved in the back of a police car and driven away.
