THIS IS A PARODY. I AM GOING TO FOR THE WORST STORY IMAGINABLE. Please keep that in mind as you endure this stupidity. Thank you and have a great day.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Only Jaysen is mine. Various credits go to FFoHH.Member.No.3 and Nate.

Thanks to my betas- Coaltrain and FFoHH.Member.No.3

If you took one good look at Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa, you would think that he was an incredibly good looking, but androgynous sex machine.Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa had long locks of curly black hair, sunkissed olive skin, and stunning stirring cerulean whirlpool eyes. Broad shoulders, washboard abs, and a big ass made Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa's appearance rival top supermodel Gisele Bundchen.Of course, he wasn't just good looks, but that was a large part of him. He was also smart. Very smart. He took his SATs two years early and had gotten a perfect 2400. And maybe it was the innocence in his eyes that truly attracted people to him.

His normal attire was the ever-popular Ecko clothing, for he was the only white boy accepted in the gangs in his neighborhood. In fact, everyone loved him. His parents adored him, he had more girlfriends than he could wave a stick at, he was everyone's friend, and everyone was willing to give him whatever he asked to make him happy. Yes, he was just that awesome.

About his girlfriends, they were all in love with him. For being fifteen, he had had his share of "bedtime". And they all came back, begging for more. Yes, life was good.

It was great, even. Perfect, amazing, astounding, enchanting, flawless, high-quality, decent, enjoyable, skillful, helpful, first-class, first-rate, superior, fine, excellent, nice, beneficial and awesome.

But there came a day where Jaysen was outside, since he loved nature. It was one of his great qualities. He had a lot of great qualities. He was a gentleman, he was modest about his talents, he could sing better than Usher, the guy from Rascal Flatts and Michael Buble, he could dance, he was the best student in the state, and his parents were rich. Yes, they were rich. He had everything he wanted, but he was very sure to always give money to charity because there were kids out there who didn't have half of the things he had and he wanted to make sure they could get an iPod nano too. He was also proficient with a sword, bow, axe and pike.

But back to outside. It was a sunny day, and Jaysen was suddenly in a forest! He looked around, confused, and then a motorcycle came out of seemingly nowhere and ran him over and in his pain, he moaned and fell into unconsciousness.

He woke up hours later, his eyes fluttering open, and he was looking up into the face of a beautiful woman. She was crying. He sat up, putting a hand on her soft cheek.

"My lady, what ails you?" He asked gallantly. "It breaks my heart to see such beauty in pain."

The beautiful lady wiped her tears away. "Oh, good sir, you are awake. I feared you were dead." She stood up, and that was when Jaysen noticed he was in a different place, and no longer in the forest by his house.

He was in a white room. It was beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, attractive and arousing. He was lying on the fluffiest bed with the fluffiest pillows.

"This is a beautiful place." He looked at the beautiful woman. She was wearing a blood red dress and had the blackest hair he had ever seen. Surely, she was a beauty.

"My lady, you are a beauty. I knew I loved you before I even met you." He let out a groan, aggravating the arrow wound on his side.

The woman cried out and came to his side, yelling for healers. "Sir, you cannot die. But I beg you, what is your name?" She asked through her tears.

"I am Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa." He told her, wiping her tears away with a slender hand. "What is your name, beautiful one?"

"I am the lady Arwen of Rivendell." She told him as his shirt was taken off so the healers could begin changing the bandages of his wound.

Arwen watched them do this from the side, thinking how sexy Jaysen looked. He had chiseled muscles, and looked fitter than Aragorn could ever. And Jaysen looked so innocent and did not care what other people thought of him. He was cool, confident and amazing. He had such charisma about him. She knew she was in love.

Jaysen groaned as the linen was pulled away from his wound, and he tried to hold it in for Arwen. He knew how much this was hurting her, to see him in such pain. He took the pain bravely, biting his lip gently to remind himself to hold in his groans and moans of pain. He met Arwen's eyes and he could see she was crying. It broke his heart.

Arwen left the room, unable to watch the healers patch up her love. In the hallway, she ran into Aragorn who was looking scruffy and arrogant as usual. He leaned down to try to kiss her but she pushed him away.

"Arwen? What is it?" He asked, bored of her emotional crap.

"I no longer love you, you pig!"

Aragorn tramped off to go sulk, having been bested. He didn't take being second best very well. He went into his room to cry and write angry poetry about it before trying to be butch and wave his sword around.

Jaysen, in the meantime, with his superior hearing, was pondering this. She had a boyfriend, and yet didn't love him. He laid back in the fluffy pillows and formulated a plan. He would get Arwen's boyfriend out of the way so that there would be no doubt that it was he, Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa who loved her, and not some ugly pig who thought he was manly. Jaysen would show her. He was the best man for her. He was sure of it.

"My lord, Lord Elrond is here to see you." Jaysen blinked. Lord Elrond? From the Lord of the Rings movies? Or was he talking about Agent Smith? Either way, the tall elf guy walked in and looked intimidating.

But Jaysen was never one to be cowed. He sat up as straight as he could and looked stern. He held his chin up high and mustered up all of his poise, grace and balance that he had learnt from his many fencing classes. His cerulean eyes met Elrond's brown ones and he knew the elf was frightened of him. Perhaps not physically, but Elrond was intimidated by Jaysen's superior looks.

"Who are you?" Elrond asked, amazed.

"I am Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa." He said proudly. "What's it to you?" He asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I cannot believe it! Jaysen, my long-lost son! My half-elven son!"