A little addition and tag to the scene in the crypt with Dean, Sam and Samhain.
Dean's POV
Thanks for reading!
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The Unbearable Heaviness Of Being
I can feel it, its like a slow burn through my soul and I know that he's using it, even before I turn the corner and I can see him…I know it.
Sam.
His name sounds in my head and I don't know if I said it or thought it but just for a moment I think he looks at me…a quick single glance and then I am forgotten about as the battle in front of me intensifies and the demon takes another step closer to my brother.
I am stuck here…in the doorway…almost frozen by the sight, watching as Sam…my brother… takes on this supposedly most powerful of demons without anything more than a thought and the merest movement of his hand.
I feel horrified and fascinated both at the same time.
I want to rush in and tell him to stop, grab the knife from the floor and end it myself because I can see that this is killing him…hell its killing me…but the demon closes the gap and so I hold my ground. Fear grips me, a fear for and perhaps of my brother as I watch Sam slowly begin to ramp up his act and my greatest fear now becomes that I will distract him somehow if I move…that the demon will finish him before either of us can finish it.
This isn't the first time I've watched Sam's little parlour trick but it is the first time I have watched without feelings of anger and of betrayal coursing through me and it is mesmerising to behold. I can't take my eyes from the seen in front of me even if I wanted to.
So I have to stand here, watching…once again a chained spectator to a hellish show…to another fearsome battle of wills. Sam raises his free hand to his head as if the headache, which must surely now be pounding through it, is trying to shatter his skull and then the blood starts to course freely from his nose. I can feel it as the effort required to dispatch this thing back to hell destroys a little more of the brother that I know and that I love…as he pulls that little bit further away from me…but still I stand idly by, unable to do anything but stare.
I know that he can see me, standing there frozen in the periphery of his line of sight before he has to switch back again to concentrating on the task at hand as the demon in front of him slowly closes the gap once more. I know…for he told me…that this one is stronger than the rest that we have faced, but I can see that Sam has no doubts in his own ability anymore.
This was a battle he knew that he could win.
I watch as slowly the black smoke dissipated from its host and I find myself willing this to be over soon. I wonder briefly how the angels expect to smite him down when the demons that walk amongst us appear to be unable to stop him, but the though increases my distress and so I bury it deep within.
Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity the last of the smoke clears and slowly I can move again, the spell broken, my body getting its act together and I step into the room and watched as the immense toll that the exorcism has taken on him shows clearly on his face.
Sam raises his eyes and warily watches my approach, uncertainty creeping into his face for the first time since this began…he is standing still there… against the wall…eyes following me as I breach the distance between us.
I know that a little of him wants to say he is sorry…tell me that he had tried it my way…the dropped knife on the floor the testament to that… but deep down I know that he can't because deep down he doesn't want to apologise for what he is. This power is a part of him, part of who he is and, god forbid, what he is becoming …I knew that he couldn't stop it forever…even if it brought down on his head the wrath of god and perhaps that of his brother.
He looks like an addict, his brief high, the surge of adrenalin, more than worth the world of hurt that is following, the lure of it too strong for him to ignore for much longer.
And I get it…I do…he wants to help, to save people…but not this way…please no…not like this. As the saying goes though…the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I should know…my own good intentions have imploded on me…my sacrifice in danger of destroying the person that it was made to save.
God knows that I feel further from saving my brother than I have ever done in my life.
He has to fight it, has to try, for his sake and for mine. I have to make him try.
He watches me as I close the last of the gap that lies between us and he stiffens…perhaps waiting for the blow that he feels must surely come his way…before relaxing as I pull him into my embrace.
My love for him is greater than any fear that I may harboured but we both know that that may change…it might have to. I realise fully for the first time that my brother's path may lay in a different direction to the one that I am walking and my fear returns…it pierces my heart and tears at my soul.
My sole purpose for being is changing and it scares me.
For now though I cling to my brother, his safe haven for the moment against the storm that I feel is coming…would have to come… destiny cannot be changed… and even as I hold him to me I can feel the chasm opening between us and I wonder if my love and strength would be enough to keep him safe this time.
After everything that I have done to protect him, how do I protect him from his self?
I close my eyes, tighten my grip and pray silently to God that I can.
