Yen
Alecto's Muse
July 19, 2006
Insert disclaimer here.
Yen:
- A strong desire or propensity; yearning for something or to do something
- To have an intense desire for something or someone who is not present
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It takes a true believer to be compassionate. No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know no one cares or understands.
Arthur H. Stainback
Chapter 1.
You're just a teenager.
I remember Aang's words every time I see Zuko, and I think how naïve they are. Children have a way of reducing things to their simplest denominator: right and wrong, black and white, good and evil. Aang had not yet understood the danger that a single teenager would pose, especially if that teenager was the Fire Prince. I don't think I've ever been as scared as I had been on that day, when I first met him. The very sight of the Fire Nation ship and soldiers had been spectacularly terrifying. It was only the second time in my life I had seen real soldiers; hardened men in their uniforms and armour, trained, very successfully, to snuff us out without a moment's hesitation. What was the life of a mere woman- and a water bender after all? They cared more about keeping their weapons all shiny. Worlds apart from my father, and all the other men who called the South Pole home: simple, peaceable men. If nothing else, growing up on a tundra teaches you respect for all life. No. I don't want to think about my father now, to wonder how he could possibly fare well against these soldiers.
I grew up on that day. I was only a girl when my mother was killed in the raid. By the time Dad left, I knew my childhood was over. But when He held my Gran-Gran in his grasp… Well, I knew then I hated everything the fire nation stood for. I prayed to the spirits to just keep her with us a little longer. I also realised what I had to do - to protect all the other families that were still intact, so that they would never have to experience what I have- even though it meant leaving what was left of mine behind.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I crept as quietly as I could into their shelter, clutching my water canteen. Iroh's large form was easy to spot, but where was he? I did a partial pirouette around the room, if it could be called that. It was little more than a roof over the open earth. I turned back to face Iroh but my eyes settled on the neck of someone little more than a couple inches before me. Startled, my hand automatically went to cover of my water canteen. Fire Nation be damned. All scowls and glittering eyes, and as quiet as ever. I remember another time he had snuck on me, holding me hostage in front of the pirates, and I feel my own temper starting to rise. I straighten my back so I'm standing at my full height when I glare back at him, which turns out to be sadly still lacking, at the very least, by half a foot. I don't know what he's been eating in exile, but I've gotta get some for us. As healthy as Sokka claims nuts are supposed to be, they're clearly not providing the kind of protein we need to grow.
"Well, are you going to say it, or do I have to force it out of you?" He says it in a surprisingly conversational tone, considering the threat behind the words.
"Last time I checked, water bending, not psychic powers, is what I'm known for." I reply just as calmly. He was going to have to ask, I decided.
"What are you doing here?" He demanded curtly, folding his arms across his chest.
"I came to help. I tried to tell you earlier, I can heal Iroh."
"I thought I told you, I don't help from anyone."
His eyes dared me to do anything but walk away for the second time. For a moment I'm tempted. Is it really worth the effort? It would be so easy to just go back to Aang and Sokka and Toph. Go back to sleep. Forget about an old man, who isn't even mine to care for.
"Great, because I'm not here to help you." I stepped to his side, trying to move around to Iroh, but he caught my wrist, holding it so tightly it hurt. I gave an involuntary gasp of pain.
"This is the last time I'm going to tell you to leave." His voice was dangerously low now.
"No. You listen to me." I was so angry; I couldn't keep my voice even. "If it was your life at stake, I wouldn't make the effort. Iroh's a good person. I won't let your pride and arrogance stand in the way of saving a life, even if you are related." I wrenched my hand away from him. It still hurt.
He said nothing, just continued to survey me with a look that made me wish I had run away. I uncork my canteen and ready myself to free its contents, whether to defend myself, or to heal the old man, I don't know. Taking a deep breath, I continue in something that sounds like my normal voice. I hadn't even realised I was shouting before. "I realise how distasteful the idea of associating with a peasant water bender is to someone like you, but is holding on to that idea worth risking his life?"
What feels like an eternity later, he wordlessly moves away to the foot of Iroh's "bed." I slip over to sit beside Iroh, and begin to work. I try not to feel self-conscious, but it's difficult knowing he's watching my every move. I could feel his eyes burning through my back.
Finally, it's finished. I look over my shoulder, catching his eye. He moves quickly over to Iroh's side.
"He's still unconscious." He finally says. I can barely hear him, although he's right beside me. I look at him, and I must be exhausted because I see, not an enemy, but an anxious nephew -almost a man, but not quite. I see the dark circles under his eyes, and the worry etched into his features in a permanent scowl. Even the toughest opponent has a weakness. I guess Azula found his.
"The body needs time. Resting is the best thing for recovery." I sigh wearily. "I don't know how long he'll be out."
I try to stifle the yawns, but they keep coming. Bending is hard work, but healing takes a lot out of me, and I was tired to begin with. I close my eyes for a moment, only to open them a moment later and find him looking at me. Those golden eyes of his are unsettling, and I break contact first. He stood up abruptly and went to the opposite end of the room and I decided that was my cue to leave. I rise to leave, apparently a little too quickly, because for a second or too the room feels like its spinning.
"Katara." It brings me back to solid ground with a thud. I didn't know he even knew my name. Then again I could be hallucinating.
"You won't make it far in that condition." He motioned to a bedroll on the ground.
"Huh?"
He rolled his eyes and spoke very slowly. "You're obviously tired. Why don't you rest for a while?"
"I'm sleep-deprived, not retarded." I really resented being talked down to. It wasn't that I hadn't understood what he meant; it was that I couldn't believe he would even offer in the first place. Maybe he felt guilty, or grateful, or both. How was I to know he was capable of emotion?
He said nothing, in that annoying way he has; but it was clear from his raised eyebrows that he disagreed. I give him by best glare, intent on storming past him out of his little hut.
"Relax. I won't kill you in your sleep." He wheeled around and started walking away from me.
"Where are you going?" I demanded.
"I need some fresh air, if that's okay with you." It was hard to miss the sarcasm there. And since he was going out, I might was well stay here. I'll just lie down for a few minutes, half an hour, an hour at the most. That's all. And then I'd feel a little better.
I wake up with a start. I get up and run outside to check the night sky. I don't even remember falling asleep.
"There's still a few hours left before dawn." I jumped, before remembering where I was, and with whom. He stepped out of the shadows, his face inscrutable in the moonlight. Does he ever sleep?
Sometimes kids get it right after all. Aang had been right…then. Then, he had been just a teenager. But a lot of time has passed. He was different. He had seemed so powerful, larger than life, intimidating. Maybe it's not him. Maybe it's me. I'm not the scared little girl I was then. For so long he had been a persistent nightmare. An invincible foe. But my own perseverance in improving my water bending skills paid off, when I finally beat him. It took away a little of the mystery, I must admit. Master Katara. I was elated in the aftermath, but it soon loses its lustre.
I guess it's my turn to play the silent type, because I just concentrate on putting as much distance between me and this place, never once looking back. If I was quick about it, I could still get a couple of hours sleep before anyone wakes up to find that I'd left. I hadn't wanted Sokka to talk me out of coming, or any of them worrying about me. I can take care of myself, after all.
Turns out I didn't need to be concerned; they're out cold. As hard as I try, however, I can't get back to sleep. I stare up at the stars, thinking of the exiled prince. He might have been alone now, but hopefully we've postponed that fate for a little while longer. Well, at least that's one family I've helped save from the Fire Nation. Not exactly what I had in mind when I started this journey, but it may be that compassion has no nationality after all.
