Title: Thank God for Rumors or The Right Kind of Wrong

Author: catharticdeficit

Rating: T pushing it to M

Genre: Humor/Romance/UST/Usual plotting best friend/Totally Hot Kyoya (This one should be a genre of its own. Anyone agree with me? Raise your left foot.)

Pairing: Kyoya x Haruhi

Summary: Haruhi makes a callous comment and Kyoya is set to prove them wrong. Mei intervenes but her way to bring the two of them together might be more than what the pair could swallow.

Warning: This was made while I was exhausted from work and suffering from severe lack of sleep and sugar-deprivation. So please ignore that Kyoya and Haruhi is too OOC, especially in the last scene. Remember, this is just fan fiction to cater to our inner fan girl's desire for something like this to happen in real life…at least in the series.

Nod: This sexy enough for you, Kalachuchi? Thanks again for the beta!

1/2

"People are saying that you're gay," said Haruhi one day out of the blue to Kyoya. They were in the university library as Kyoya was helping Haruhi out to prepare for her Management class, something the young man was highly informed in. Of course, it wasn't without payment: a day helping him with his stock research was the agreed compensation.

Haruhi wanted to suddenly hit herself. It wasn't what she wanted to say. Ah, well. Bluntness is a curse.

A curse that will surely show its repercussions in a moment or two when Kyoya says that spreading rumors is illegal and will say that it was grounds for adding to her debt.

"Is that so?" asked Kyoya, closing his laptop. He didn't look too pissed about it. Then again, he always was good at hiding his emotions--if he ever had any.

Since she already spit it out, might as well continue.

"I heard them talking about you this lunch in the cafeteria. They said that it was strange that you never had a girlfriend before. Let's see…Honey-senpai is dating Miss Reiko, Mori-senpai was seen a lot of times with Renge-san, Hikaru is with some girl who works for his mother, Kaoru's hanging out with some guy he met in design school--what's the betting that they're sleeping together?--and even Tamaki is courting countless of girls, though it's really not surprising, seeing as he's a huge slut."

Kyoya raised an eyebrow, filing the information for further use.

"Ah, I see." He shoved his laptop and books in his bag.

"Are you going?" said Haruhi, finishing up the last of her notes.

"Yes," said Kyoya, shouldering his bag and standing up. "Since you owe me for this little tutorial, I want you to do something for me, instead of the day of stock research."

"Of course, I should have known. What is it?"

"There's a party in one of those sorority houses this Friday night."

"And you want me to go there with you."

"Yup. See you at seven."

With a small smile, he sped off, leaving Haruhi wondering.

--

Haruhi adjusted the straps of her top in front of the mirror as her roommate, Mei, added the finishing touches to her hair. Haruhi didn't want to dress up, saying that a pair of shorts and a t-shirt was fine, but Mei was adamant. She knew about the party and was going as well, understanding that it was one of the year's highlights, as almost all of the students in the university was going to come--including all the hot frat boys.

"I hate frat boys," Haruhi had scowled. "Once they get tanked, it's all downhill from there."

She had underestimated the power of a girl with a mission: the sacred quest to get her own, uptight friend get laid. Mei knew that Haruhi would likely just stand in a corner with a glass of punch, greet people she knew, then go home after an hour. No, this time she was going there looking sexy, flirting with guys, getting pissed, and having fun. It was high time that Haruhi got some time to enjoy herself and not just pore over her law texts.

So Haruhi found herself scantily clad in a hot red top that made her boobs look twice as big (though sadly, still small), a black denim miniskirt that elongated her legs, and red strappy heels. She felt awkward and itchy from the make-up but she knew that if she protested any further, Mei would throw her precious books in the dormitory incinerator.

"So, who are you going with?" asked Mei as she went to make herself look presentable as well.

"Kyoya, I guess," answered Haruhi offhandedly as she practiced walking around the room in her heels. It would be troublesome if she walked around the party like a constipated duck.

Mei smirked. It was obvious the Ootori heir really fancied her friend, but Haruhi was so dense in these matters.

Maybe it was time to intervene.

This would be so great.

--

Kyoya was waiting for them at the dormitory's parking lot, looking oh-so-casual and devastating while leaning on his black Aston Martin. He wore a midnight blue button down silk Versace shirt with a black shirt underneath, pressed black trousers that clung to his hips like sin, and those wingtips shoes.

Mei wanted to squeal. Wingtips! Wingtips! Haruhi was such a lucky girl. Mei had never seen any of the guys that were hitting on her wear wingtips. And in her opinion, what you wear is what you are. And right now, Kyoya was looking so hot she was having flushes.

She just wished that Haruhi would show a reaction upon seeing Kyoya as well. It seemed as if she didn't even notice how good Kyoya looked and just said a short, "Hello. You're on time."

"And you're a few minutes late," replied Kyoya, straightening. He gave Haruhi a once over, his lips lifting slightly. "You look…nice. You too, Mei."

"Thanks," said Haruhi, shrugging. Mei wanted to roll her eyes. This isn't what she was supposed to act! She was supposed to bat her eyelashes prettily, blush, smile, and flirt with him back! See, even Kyoya was trying to flirt. The least she could do was reciprocate.

Then she thought it over. This was Haruhi. Right.

"You don't look so bad yourself," Haruhi returned, which made the wheels in Mei's head spinning at an even faster rate.

"Yes, you do look like a demi-god, Kyoya-san," said Mei, looking at Haruhi for some agreement.

Kyoya laughed. "This is too much praise from both of you." He opened the doors of his car. "Shall we go?"

"I'm taking the back seat!" yelled Mei, climbing aboard. "You take the passenger seat, Haruhi because I need the space."

Mei knew that she wasn't being subtle about the Get-Haruhi-and-Kyoya-Together plan, but time's a wastin'. Kyoya raised an eyebrow as he slid behind the wheel. Haruhi just gave another shrug and climbed in as well.

--

The party was booming by the time they got there. The large house was already jam-packed with loud people, noisy music, sloshing cups of beer, the odor of cigarette smoke and God-knows-what, and of course, someone streaking around the room, giving the guests an unwanted view of his private parts.

Someone fainted in front of the trio while holding his can of beer.

"Shall we help him?" asked Haruhi as Kyoya and Mei stepped over the poor drunken bastard.

"Nah, somebody will come and get him or step on him and probably wake him up," answered Mei as she scanned the room for some familiar faces.

At that moment, another boy stumbled along and said, "Ishikawa, you sunuvabeetch! This is where you are!" He grabbed the fainted boy by the back of the collar, and shook him.

Haruhi sidestepped them and found Kyoya by the refreshment table, looking at the food dubiously.

"Where's Mei?" said Haruhi as she took a can of beer as it was the safest on offer.

"Some of her classmates came and took her away," said Kyoya, taking a can himself. He resisted the urge to ask for a glass, opening his beer. None of the club members used to drink before, but suddenly, when it was Haruhi's eighteenth birthday, the twins decided that it was time that they all got to taste alcohol. Of course, the boys all had before, but it was in minute amounts, just for show or when they were asked to taste. The night ended with Hikaru and Kaoru nearly hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, Tamaki proposing to Haruhi about fifteen times then when rejected proceeded to make love with a floor lamp, Honey attacking all furniture, and Mori hugging everybody and telling them he loved them with all his heart and soul. Kyoya didn't seem to be affected and Haruhi was sloshed herself but she just fainted. After that, they always had a drinking party once in a while, thought they tried to limit it. God knows what would happen next. Mori drunk off his ass was scary enough as it is.

"Shame that Hikaru and Kaoru aren't here," remarked Haruhi.

"They really had to go to Paris for their mother's fashion show. Since they designed half of the collection, it's proper that they be there for it. Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai are still training some of the British troops for Afghanistan," said Kyoya.

Haruhi grabbed a handful of the chips from a bowl, dropping it into her mouth. Kyoya stared at her, amazed.

"Do you even know the number of men who had gone to the toilet without washing their hands afterwards and ate from that same bowl?" he remarked, taking a sip of the alcohol.

"Probably more than half of the boys in here," replied Haruhi flippantly as she moved from the chips to the peanuts, which was just as repulsive in Kyoya's opinion. "But hey, who cares? When it goes to your stomach, it's still the same: carbohydrates and crap though with added bacteria and possibly fungus." She tried to smile offhandedly but her own words gave her a visual and she cringed.

"On second thought, I think the fungus thing was too much." She grabbed her beer and tried to wash her mouth with it. Kyoya smirked.

"But I'm hungry," she complained as they moved to the center of the party. "I haven't eaten dinner yet because Mei insisted that she needed three hours for my hair."

Her companion chuckled low as they ducked a flying vase, which broke on the wall with a sickening crunch. "And I surmise that you weren't able to protest?"

"Yeah, Mei can be quite scary when it comes to things like this."

"For her, looking good is a necessity that far outreaches that of food or sleep."

"True."

"If we get out of here alive and sober, wanna go and grab some pizza then?" Kyoya had discovered that the pizza house outside the university campus was just as good as the ones that he had in Italy before, if not better. It became a staple for the rest of the club, their only form of sustenance during midterms and finals besides the proletarian ramen and instant coffee.

"You're on," agreed Haruhi. "But it's your treat, I'm afraid. I haven't received my paycheck yet." She worked part-time at one of the university's cafes, earning enough to pay for her necessities. The boys were regulars there, hence the near brushes of her getting fired. The manager was suddenly reminded who he was dealing with when he got a surprise visit from Tachibana.

"Deal, but you gotta pay next time."

Feh. Tight rich bastard, thought Haruhi. Then she voiced, "But I can only pay just for the both of us. I don't think a week's pay is enough for the others' stomachs."

Unknowingly, it was a sort of invitation for a date, which did not go unmissed on Kyoya.

Tamaki was standing at a coffee table in the living room, surrounded by his fan club of giggling girls who thought that he was the best thing since the topless lap runs done by the soccer team on Fridays.

"Everyone! Listen up!" Only a few people besides his groupie came nearer but he was too drunk to care. "Who wants to play Truth or Dare?"

"I do!" shouted Mei, who suddenly materialized at Haruhi's shoulder. "You and Kyoya join too!"

"I'm not really interested," said Haruhi weakly but she let herself get dragged along. Kyoya followed, mildly interested.

"Is everybody here?" slurred Tamaki. "Good! Let's start!"

--

Finally, it was Mei's turn to pick her victim. She had just been forced to kiss some ugly guy a while ago and she's pissed. Time to take some frustration out and proceed with her plan. Apologies to Haruhi and Kyoya for whatever future damage this stunt might cause.

"Kyoya, truth or dare?" she asked, grinning maniacally.

Kyoya shrugged, he already had his second can and he was feeling warm. "Dare." He wasn't up to answering impertinent questions about his sexuality.

Mei grinned. So predictable. She gave Haruhi a sly grin before saying tremulously, "Kyoya-san, I want you to give all of the girls in this circle a striptease!" An uproar. "Wait! Not done yet! I want you to finish it with a lap dance for Haruhi!" A Mei smashed is a Mei pissed.

The girls squealed like tortured pigs at the prospect of a naked Kyoya dancing for their entertainment. A few of them pinched themselves, asking if they were dreaming, while some were convinced that they had died and gone to heaven. They could hear a girl muttering that it was the apocalypse and God has granted them one last great thing before they all die. The boys were howling as well. Everyone knew that the Ootori had a huge stick up his ass and this was prime opportunity for blackmail.

"Mei, prepare yourself," said Kyoya slowly, his voice taking a dangerous tone but Mei was too inebriated to care. "The world is a small place to hide in." Nevertheless, a deal was a deal and he stood up, climbing to the coffee table amidst all the howls.

"Yeah, yeah, just do it already!" yelled Mei. "Tell you what, do it for one song, and just take off your tops. No need for the pants." There was a chorus of boos from the audience, which had surprisingly grew bigger. But Mei had her own reasons. She could have just ordered the lap dance for Haruhi, but a girl wanted to have some fun herself and she knew that by morning, most of the girls here would claim her as their goddess. Hey, the boy shoved his disgusting tongue down her throat and this was just revenge of some sort.

Kyoya breathed deeply, praying that what he was about to do won't reach his father. He couldn't care less about the taunts that would inevitably follow this stunt, but he truly feared what his father would say. He would probably disinherit him. Then again, most of the people here were already too smashed and there was a chance that they wouldn't remember a thing. His only problem would be the people who would remember.

His eyes strayed to Haruhi, who was shouting at Mei, presumably about the lap dance after the half-striptease. Mei's eyes stopped rolling at Haruhi to stray to his and she gave him a saucy wink. Hmm. Maybe she had provided him a prime opportunity after all. He could even dispel the rumors about how he batted for the other team.

If this works, he'd send Mei on a shopping spree in Shibuya. If not, the private police were on speed dial.

A new song started and he took that as a cue to start his thing.

Kelley, can you handle this
Michelle, can you handle this
Beyonce, can you handle
I don't think you can handle this
wooooo

The only dances that he knew were classical dances and he doubted that he could entice anyone with a one-man waltz. Gritting his teeth, he remembered their time at the disco house and how the people there moved. The whole club danced there except him, preferring to stay by the bar amidst tons of offers from the girls (and boys) there for a dance.

How he regretted that he didn't take the opportunity to learn something new.

Make a move, Feelin right, lookin sexy, lookin fine
Baddest chick, chick inside, DJ jammin' night
inspite of me, attendin' this, there you are,
come on baby, don't you wanna, dance with me
can you handle, handle me
you gotta do whats betta if you gunna dance wit' me tonight, you gotta work your jelly if you gunna dance with me tonight read my lips carefully if you like what you see,
if you move to the groove you can hang with me
by the looks i got you shook up and scared of me
although you sit there til time of take off

Kyoya swung his hips to the side experimentally and the screams of encouragement and appreciation were heard. The music was highly appropriate for his dance, providing him with an opportunity to move to its beat. He rolled his shoulders, his hands running down his body in what he hoped was a sexy way. Judging from the catcalls and cheers, he was doing it right. He removed his glasses, placing one end to his mouth before trailing it down his chest and placing it in his pocket for safe-keeping.

I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya baby
I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe

Remembering that it was a striptease, his fingers went up to the topmost button of his shirt and while still gyrating his hips, he unbuttoned them agonizingly slow one by one. He could hear a thud as somebody fainted.

Baby can you handle this,
baby can you handle this
baby can you handle this
I don't think you can handle this
wooooo

He peeled off his shirt, turning around, this time shaking his bum as well. When the shirt was off, he held it by the collar with his teeth, winking at a random girl here and there. He twirled the shirt in the air, then tossed it to Haruhi who got a face full of it. The scent of his eau de toilette--spicy with a hint of citrus and sandalwood--filled her nostrils. When she pulled it down, Kyoya gave her a smirk and the sexiest wink he could manage.

Forgetting that the show was supposed to be for everyone, he approached her slowly, still moving to the song, not caring that all eyes were on them. She was left alone on the couch for her lap dance. Her eyes were wider than ever and the can on her hands was nearly crushed from her grip. He could tell that she didn't want this but like him, could do nothing about it.

I'm about to break ya off,
Destiny's child on the ball,
leave my hips, move my thys
swing my hair, square my eyes
Lookin hott(ah), Smellin good(sss)
Groove in line, from the hood
throw my shoulder, blow you a kiss
can you handle, handle this

He bent to whisper to her ear, his breath hot against her skin. "So you're the lucky girl tonight, eh?" His low laugh elicited more shivers from her. "Relax, Haruhi, and enjoy it for the moment. It'll be good, I promise." He let his lips trail down her neck, inhaling her flowery scent. Straightening, his hands snaked down to his waist, under his undershirt, before taking it off completely, showing the world his toned body. Thank God that he took the time for some gym every week.

I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe
I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe

Move your body up and down(woo)
make your booty touch the ground(woo)
I can't help but wonder why is my vibe to vibalacious for ya babe
I shake my jelly at every chance
when i'm whip to my hip you jsut slip into a transe
I'm hoping you can handle all the jelly that i have
Now lets cuddle up while we get this chance(yeah)

The shouts increased in volume but he was deaf to them all. He was mainly focused on the girl in front of him who seemed to be hyperventilating. He was affecting her, he saw that. It was working.

He threw the shirt to her as well, and Haruhi gulped. She couldn't move when Kyoya suddenly placed himself on her, his knees on the couch, trapping her between his thighs. His hands were beside her head on the back of the couch. He was still moving his hips, the crotch of his pants barely brushing her lap, the fabric rubbing against her exposed skin.

Where did he learn to move like this? wondered Haruhi. She wasn't alone on that thought.

She let out a breath she didn't know she held when one of his hands began caressing her arm and his lips were ghosting on her shoulder.

pop body oh body
pop body oh body oh body eh' om body oh ew oh um
POW POW POW POW

I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe

I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe

When Haruhi was near fainting herself, Kyoya mercifully moved himself from her. The girl however, cursed everything to the deepest pits of hell when instead of stopping, his fingers were on his belt and he said quietly, sensually, "I know that it was only the top required, but what do you say that we do it all the way, Haruhi?" The way he said her name made her heart stop. The blood was pounding on her ears and she knew she was blushing like mad.

What in hell happened to Kyoya that made him act this way?

The crowd was shouting their assent to that idea but Kyoya ignored them. He was more interested in what Haruhi had to say. Mei sensed this and began to rattle her friend to say yes.

Haruhi sat as still as a statue. She hoped that her nose wasn't bleeding or she might have to pack her bags at this very moment and check in with the psychiatric hospital.

"Since you won't say anything, might as well do it," Kyoya drawled, his fingers on the buckle.

I don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe

I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe

I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babe

I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this

Is my body to bootylicious for ya babey hehe!

Then God heard Haruhi's fervent prayer and the song stopped. The assembly groaned and began to throw things at the DJ, who was sporting a nasty nosebleed and quickly repeating the song.

"Oh, dear!" said Kyoya, trying to look disappointed though inwardly relieved and stopping his movements. "Guess that's that." He gave another shrug but smiled to his newly found fans. "Thank you for your appreciation." He leaned back down to Haruhi who was slightly learning how to breathe again. But her attempts at restoring oxygen to her lungs was cut short when Kyoya leaned down and breathed to her ear the same way he did before. "I'll take this, but you keep that. Think of it as a souvenir." He took the silk shirt from her lap, leaving her with the black shirt. Kyoya placed a kiss on the underside of her ear. "I hope you enjoyed that."

He left her there, stock still as people around her began to whisper among themselves and giving her 'well-intended' teases and sly nudges. Ninety percent of the girls present were already thinking of tearing down their Tamaki shrines in place of Kyoya shrines where they could pray three times a day while sacrificing babies and virgins for a chance with their god.

Kyoya moved onto another part of the party, as the game was forgotten and the topic of conversation was Kyoya's hot number on the floor. Tamaki had his arm around his friend, asking him how he learned to dance that way. Kyoya just said that it was mere improvisation.

Haruhi decided right then and there that she was getting pissed out of her ass and proceeded to do just that, marching to the kitchen to find the biggest bottle of vodka they had.

Anything to get the unbidden images out of her head.

Kyoya and Mei were so going to pay for this.

To Be Continued

A/N: Like it? I tried to make it as sexy as I could, but I've never witnessed a lap dance before so I had to rely on Hollywood and MTV. Yeah, not much to see there. I also don't listen to this type of music, so I didn't know what song would be appropriate for Kyoya's scene. But just imagine that…I'm getting hot myself. Ehehehehe. I hope it's been enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to write! : ) Please show your love!

Disclaimer: Kyoya is not mine. Haruhi already got the lap dance and the boy. What more could she want? Right. She wants ootoro. The song ain't mine, either. You think I could even write something as perverse as that? It's Bootylicious by Destiny's Child.