Author's Note: As you've seen, I recently deleted Taking Control (it's still on my hard drive, though) not only because my DS9 Muses went on an extended holiday to Tahiti without me (the dirty jerks!) but also because as I've aged, my writing skills have vastly improved and I've gained a new perspective on Ezri Dax's character so the way I write her on her own and in a romantic relationship with Julian Bashir has to change with it. Quite frankly, girlie got a raw deal, one of the rawest deals in Star Trek history, up there with Tora Ziyal, Data, and Prime Pavel Chekov in Wrath of Khan.

She had to be Joined without the training or desire required or she could've let over 300 years of memories die and live with the guilt and stigma. She then came to DS9 and was treated like a Jadzia Dax knockoff that needed to either play along as a living breathing ghost of their loved one or go away (at least for the first third of the season, sans Worf. He didn't see her as more than the symbiont until The Final Chapter Arc). She had 8 hosts worth of memories and experiences running amok in her head and as Penumbra showed, she had a symbiont that had enough sentience to make her into its semi-willing puppet. And then, the whole thing with Julian that started out awesome on TV but turned into an awkward, angsty clusterfuck in the books just like they feared in The Dogs of War…ugh. Rewatching Season 7 as an adult and reading the books just makes me want to give her a hug and a chance for a do-over. Not a complete professional do-over because I liked the whole switch to the Command track thing but a more personal do-over.

Fair Warning: Ezri's definitely going to be OOC in places. She's not going to turn into a angry and bitter Mary Sue-esque character but she's going to have a sharper, stronger edge to her sweet personality, especially when it comes to asserting to Dax and to those around her that what she wants is still relevant and that she's not just a placeholder host.

Disclaimer: "Honestly, it's not mine!"

Prologue (6 Months Ago…)

"You're still leaving? You just got here and the Captain offered you a job, didn't he?"

"He did. I turned him down."

"Is it because of that Klingon maniac or because of what happened with Garak?"

"Quark, I joined Starfleet because I wanted to help people be well. Mental health is just as critical as physical health, especially since we're in the middle of a very bloody and drawn out war. My goal is to serve where I'm needed most and that's what I'm going to do, despite the minor inconvenience of an unplanned and unwanted Joining. The front lines are where I'm needed most."

"But, they're so dangerous…"

"Oh, like this station isn't? I may have just gotten here but DS9 is still familiar to Dax, the good and the bad…and the painful. There's a reason why I only visited the Bajoran Temple once. I'd avoid the Infirmary too but that's not possible at the moment. For the first 6 months after a host is Joined, they're supposed to get a weekly check up and bi-weekly neurological scans to make sure that there aren't any signs of major mental instability. Some is to be expected. You've got a semi sentient slug embedded in your body with at least 100 years of memories to contend with but…nobody wants another Joran Dax situation. Although, in the Symbiosis Commission's defense, he was demented and bloodthirsty to begin with. Being Joined just gave him the self confidence boost and the entitled arrogance to be open about it. They shouldn't have put the memory blocks on Dax, though. Every host, even a murderous and psychotic one, deserves to be known and learned from, even if it's to serve as a cautionary tale…I'm rambling again, aren't I?"

"Only a little bit…well, if you insist on going out there, then you be careful. It's bad enough that Nog's running around fighting the good fight. When do you leave? Where are you going?"

"The Destiny is meeting up with a troop transport at 375 on Sunday. They'll be here by dinner time tomorrow. I don't know where I'll end up afterwards. Thanks for the drink, Quark. What was it?"

"One of my famous Til'amin froths and there'll be another one when you come back and come back, will you? The station just doesn't feel right without a Dax on board and I for one would love to get to know you all over again."

Stepping out of Quark's, Ezri Dax sighed softly and suppressed the urge to rub her temples. She didn't exactly have a headache but being on DS9 again was both comforting and difficult. It was familiar but unfamiliar, home but not home. Overlaid with her own vision was the perspective of Jadzia Dax, a Dax who was taller, leaner, and much more confident than she was. Her stomach turned in time with the station's rotation and it was one thing that Ezri wouldn't miss once she left. Damned Torias…damned space sickness…

Another thing she wouldn't miss was the constant double takes and the whispers from everyone. She was Dax but not the Dax they knew and adored. She was a stranger and just so different from Jadzia. She was short and so young, was she even out of her teens? Instead of boldness, she moved and spoke with caution, insecurity radiating from her pores. Elim Garak had ruthlessly exploited that vulnerability in a last ditch effort to avoid his own issues but the words he had thrown at her still stung. Every comparison between her and the previous Daxes, positive or negative, stung. She was not just a placeholder, an incubator for the symbiont until someone better came along. She was still a person, a relevant person with relevant thoughts, dreams, and desires! She was not a living breathing ghost, either. The next person who tried to treat her like one would be in for a very rude awakening.

She may be Ezri Dax now but she was Ezri Tigan before and Ezri Tigan was not one to be disrespected or disregarded. She was not one to be pigeonholed into a role and she had always been a person determined to forge her own path, choose her own destiny.

The Joining would not take that from her, not without a fight.

/

"I'm not running away. Everyone that's come to me to get me to take the counselor's position has assumed that I'm running away. I'm not running away. When a person enlists, they do so with a purpose, with specific goals in mind. I enlisted so I could help the people who need it most and the people who need it the most aren't on DS9 right now. Don't get me wrong, being on the station, seeing and getting to know all of you again has been nice but…Julian, I didn't want this. I didn't want to be Joined. I never did. I never liked the way the Commission made it into such a status symbol. I never liked the way that unjoined Trills were treated as if they were less by the Joined. Well, sans the Daxes. The Daxes never bought into all of that nonsense, not even when Lela served in the Senate and Curzon was training the Initiates. But…I just couldn't let the symbiont die. I was the only viable host body available and I had a duty to fulfill. It was the right thing to do and I would make the same decision again. But just because I didn't let Dax die does not mean that I'm going to let Ezri die or be lost in the shuffle. I'm still Ezri and what I want, who I am still matters. I'm not just the sum of my parts or a substitute."

"You're absolutely right and if I made you feel that way, I apologize."

"I appreciate that…everything's okay?"

"So far. Lie back. I'd like to check the incision site."

As soon as the cool circulated air of the Infirmary touched the bare skin of her abdomen, Ezri's mind started to fill with memories. Jadzia had been examined like this. Her abdomen and Scar had been exposed during the bi-annual physicals officers were required to go through, after away missions to check and tend to injuries, after…

Of all the deaths that Dax had experienced, Jadzia's had been the most painful, the most brutal, and the most unexpected. One moment, she had been in the Temple thanking the Prophets for allowing her body to carry her husband's child and the next…the Pagh-Wraith's energy beam had been searing. Every nerve ending had been ablaze and frozen with agony at the same time. Every breath had been choked. She had been unable to defend herself, unable to scream, unable to do anything until Dukat released her and then…as soon as the energy blast had hit her, as soon as she hit the Temple floor, Jadzia knew that she was going to be dead before the end of the night. She had been utterly devastated at the realization but the duty to Dax prevailed. The main teaching that was imbedded into each potential host was that the survival of the symbiont they had been entrusted with came before everything and everyone else.

"Save Dax… Save Dax… Save Dax…" she had repeated over and over again before succumbing to the pull of darkness, brought on by her mortal wounds and the sedation…

Her eyes opened and Ezri felt a warm shiver down her spine as Julian's fingertips gently went over the raised scar where Dax had entered her. Due to it being a medical emergency, the Joining had been quick and while she had been anesthetized, the surgeon hadn't spent much time tending to the site post surgery. Therefore, what was usually a thin white line was a raised pale pink ridge, almost red against her snow like complexion. Fortunately, the moisturizer she used on her skin held ingredients that softened the tissue and it was slowly but surely integrating.

"There hasn't been any discharge but there's still a bit of pull and tug when I raise my arms. It's nothing that I can't handle."

"I can soften the tissue with a dermal regenerator. Has it been hot to the touch? Any numbness or tingling?"

"No. Sometimes I can feel the symbiont shifting inside of me, particularly when I'm sleeping. Is that normal?"

"Yes. Dax is still acclimating to your body. The major connections were formed in the first few days after your Joining but the secondary connections won't be complete until about 6 months down the line, sometimes 8."

"…it's not enough that the damned thing gets to scramble my mind almost beyond recognition. Now, it's rearranging my organs so it can leech off of me more efficiently? Wonderful…wow, that was bitter. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I understand."

"…you really do, don't you?"

"To a point. I didn't…I remember going to Adigeon Prime to get a check up and to meet with a special needs counselor but I didn't realize that I had been enhanced until we learned about Khan and the Eugenics Wars. I always wondered why things were so much clearer afterwards, so much easier. I confronted my parents and they confirmed everything, swearing that they had done it out of love but I still felt…"

"…violated. You felt like they had stolen something from you, something and someone that you'll never get back."

"…yes."

The hum of the dermal regenerator activating served as an end point for their discussion and she closed her eyes again as he tended to the Scar.

Ezri hadn't been lying when she told him that if Worf hadn't come along, Jadzia would've been with him. He was a brilliant man and more importantly, he was a genuinely kind and idealistic man. Despite the horrors of war and the admitted grimness of his profession, Dr. Julian Bashir still managed to keep hope alive. There was a bit of cynicism in his makeup now but overall…and he was far from unattractive. In another life, he could've easily been a model. Long, lean, cultured…what stood out the most were his eyes. They were a blend of hazel and gold that could soothe or sear, depending on the situation.

Ezri found herself drawn to him instantly and that presented a dilemma.

She was already pushing the envelope on the rules about Reassociation. Every Dax had at some point (some more than others…) but just because the symbiont had been hoisted on her didn't mean that she wanted the slug to die because of her hormones. Of course, Jadzia and Julian had never been involved (not for lack of trying on his part in those first awkward years) but the Commission was already upset that her Joining seemed to be going swimmingly. They had either expected her to break down and depend solely on them for the rest of her time with Dax or expected her to endure and to let them study her with impunity. Neither option happened. Once she got her head back on straight, she had left for New Orleans and didn't look back. Still, she didn't want to rock the boat against them and frankly, Ezri was still chafing from the whole disaster with Brinner Finok.

She hadn't been the only unjoined Trill on board the Destiny. She had been the only viable one. Brinner had been incapacitated by a Changeling and in stasis when Dax arrived. She had to step up to the plate and be Joined and that ended their relationship. Not only was Brinner similar to one of Audrid's children, the resentment Ezri harbored against him had been potent. Certainly unreasonable because it wasn't like he had gotten injured on purpose but it was still there. She was saddled with a symbiont she had never dreamed of wanting (unlike him…he had failed out of Initiate training) and he got to continue his life as normal. He had tried to be comforting and supportive but the jealousy of her being the one Joined, the awkwardness…it had been for the best but it still hurt. Afterwards, she had made a conscious decision to avoid romance and all of its variants, at least for a year or so, provided that she lived that long.

Of course, the moment that she had first talked to Julian, that notion had gone right out of the airlock.

It was still a dilemma, though. She had professional goals to accomplish and even if she did stay on DS9, she didn't want to be a consolation prize for anyone. She had heard Quark point blank say that she was the next best thing to Jadzia. Dax wasn't oblivious to Julian's devotion to Jadzia, making sure that Ezri wasn't either. If she let herself fall for him and it turned out that he was just using her to be with the Dax he lost, then she would snap. She would certainly snap in a way that have him dead and/or maimed with her dishonorably discharged in a high security penal colony for the rest of her life. Ezri's temper took a lot to provoke but once it was provoked, it was very destructive.

Dax also helpfully supplied memories of Julian's various misadventures in romance. Of the lot, the best relationship he been involved in was with Leeta and the fact that she was married to Rom now said a lot. She didn't want to be another one of his exes at all but if they didn't work out, she at least wanted it to be amicable.

And she would want to end up with someone a lot better than Rom. Not to say that Rom wasn't a good man but still, it was a downgrade in Ezri's humble opinion and in Dax's too.

The dermal regenerator cut off and Ezri sat up, stretching her arms above her head. The pull and tug was gone now and the pink of the scar was much closer to white now. It had also lost its ridge like appearance and most of its rough texture.

"Much better. Thank you, Julian."

Was it just her or did his eyes linger as she pulled her gray undershirt back in place?

"It's no trouble…do you mind joining me for lunch?"

"Aren't you afraid that Worf will rip your spine out in an effort to preserve Dax's honor?"

"How did you…"

"Quark told me what happened. I'd be glad to join you. I'm not hungry but I've been craving a Fanalian toddy. A kind eavesdropper introduced me to them a few days ago."

His laugh was full and rich, making Ezri smile as they left the Infirmary together.

Provided that she lived through whatever posting she received and the job offer was still good, she would be more than glad to return to DS9, if not just to hear him laugh again.

If that made her sound pathetically infatuated, if that desire put her a few steps closer to Reassociation and potential heartbreak, then so be it.