Disclaimer: Do I own Lost or does it own me? Dang. It owns me... well.. maybe Ben does.


We interrupt this two week LOST hiatus to bring you this:

- START THEME -

- Ben's Island Matchmaker -

Ben: Welcome, I'm Benjamin Linus and you're tuned into Island Matchmaker. The show communicated from the top secret island which acts as a perfect getaway for all couples desiring to crash on the beach, make new friends and heal rapidly. Just ask Rose and her husband Bernard.

Rose: Oh no. Don't bring us into this.

Bernard: Yeah, I'm just a dentist.

- Bernard looks around shiftily. Rose looks back to the camera and leaves, tugging Bernard down the beach.

Ben: Last week we matched a happy couple Desmond and Penelope - let's check up on them now.

- Desmond and Penny float on a raft away from the island. Waving a white flag and holding a sign saying: "Civilization or Bust".

Desmond: You had nothing to do with us, brother.

Penny: Yes, I came here from tracking the freighter.

Ben: And you're still one of the least resourceful women on this island. How does that feel?

Penny: Des? Any way we can make this raft go any faster? This guy is creeping me out.

Desmond: Aye brother. He's been doing that to everyone here.

Penny: Did you just call me brother?

Desmond: Well, what'd you expect? - I've been stuck inside a bloody hatch for 3 years!

Ben: Oh, it seems our happy couple isn't so happy anymore. I'm sorry Penelope. We're going to have to throw you to the smoke monster.

- John Locke steps in front of the camera, stopping the camera shooting.

Locke: I thought you didn't know anything about the smoke monster.

Ben: I lied, Bachelor number 3. I always lie. How many times do we have to go through this?

Locke: So you lied even when you told me that my father only hated me because I have mad hunting sk1lls and he was jealous?

Ben: Especially then.

- Ben looks exasperated and turns back to the cameras.

Ben: So live from the Orchid Station we'll ask Jacob and YOU the viewer to help pair our bachelorettes with the bachelors already on the island.

STATIC - God loves you, as He loved Jacob - STATIC

Ben: Sorry about that. Technical difficulties. No subliminal messages. Just good old fashioned, regular technical difficulties. We do live on an island after all. OK. Let's go to the Orchid station and meet our first bachelorette.

- Ben enters the Orchid Station and rides down the elevator to the vast greenhouse below. Seated in the front is KATE AUSTIN.

Ben: Our first victim... uh, guest... is Katherine Anne Austin. The most paired female on the island. When she's not being indecisive about whether she loves Jack or Sawyer more, Kate likes to take long walks in the jungle - preferably armed. If Kate's your girl, be prepared to watch as she runs around with the boys until she decides the next moment she wants to be a mother and will hurt you if you disagree with her. Now let's bring out the bachelors. The bachelors are hidden behind this screen, so Kate here won't know who's trying to manipulate her... I mean, win her over.

- The bachelors come out, sillhouttes behind a screen.

Ben: Guys. Say hi.

Bachelor 1: Hi Kate.

Bachelor 2: What? Oh. Hi.

Bachelor 3: Hi Ben. When are we going to discuss the smoke monster?

Ben: You're supposed to be saying hi to Kate, bachelor number three.

Kate: It's OK, I know it's Locke.

Bachelor 3: It's not Locke. It's some other guy who cares about all the mysteries on the island. Like Booster.

Kate: You mean Boone?

Bachelor 3: Yeah, him. Or taller Walt. Or maybe even Scott.

Bachelor 5: It was Steve, dude.

Bachelor 4: Hey Fre... I mean Kate.

Bachelor 5: Dude... uh, dudette. Hi.

Bachelor 6: H-Hi.

Ben: And that's it for Kate's selection. Soon Kate, you'll be up for a romantic date with one of these studs at one of three locations: Frank Lapidus's helicopter, the ever so romantic hatch or the closet I used to lock Alex in when she was disappointing me.

Bachelor 4: Hey, bud. I'm the only stud around here.

Bachelor 1: Can I state for the record that Bachelor 1 is rolling his eyes?

Bachelor 2: We're all rolling our eyes, wise-guy.

Ben: OK. You guys will get your chance with Kate after the break.

Kate: I've already made my mind up. I'm picking Vincent.

Ben: Vincent is already set aside for Juliet. He's one of the only ones I won't kill for touching her. Unless he licks her. Then he's man's best friend no more.

- Matthew Abaddon comes out from behind the camera.

Abaddon: We're going to have to do another take of that Ben. You've got to stop mentioning Juliet. Do you want to scare our viewers? Now ominous guy in the background, keep that gun in the back of our technical producer.

- Richard sticks the gun in Sayid's back as he directs the camera on Ben.

Sayid: I thought I was getting off this island.

Richard: Not until we up our ratings with this cheap gimmick.

Sayid: Like the cheap gimmick of you never aging?

Richard: Yeah, but that gimmick is getting me contracts with Oil of Olay.

Ben: Stay tuned for Kate's match after this break.

STATIC - God loves you as He loved Jacob. Ben may kill you as he killed Vincent. That only makes sense if you take note of the shows senseless time lapses. Come to the after show party at Jacob's cabin, Christian's shout. Jack's appendix up for auction. Desmond Hume wins Constant of the Year. - STATIC


Now what do you think? Who are Bachelors 1-6?

If you can guess correctly Jacob will hear your desire for who you want to be with Kate (and grant her the dream island date of a lifetime) - no cabins attached!

Quicker the reviews - quicker the update!

So NOW - Let Jacob know - "Kate should be matched with..." and feel free to add anyone as you never know what can happen on "Ben's Island Matchmaker"!