Chapter One: This is Your Life
June 2
Dear Journal,
This can't be real.
I mean it. It can't be real. This is some kind of dream. Maybe it's a hallucination generated by Sathaugula, or something. Maybe we're still in Egypt. Maybe I'm still dying.
But this isn't real.
I mean, look at the evidence: Atenna likes me now, she used to hate me. And I've somehow acquired the ability to finish my homework in under two hours. I told Yugi, but he says it's just because I haven't got you-know-who around to keep me occupied, and then he almost started crying, so I didn't mention the other stuff.
You'd think that if I'd returned from Egypt, I wouldn't be unscathed.
I should have scars on my wrists, where Sathaugula cut me. I should have /something/. Instead, nothing.
I told Yugi that, too, later on, and he just thinks it's because this isn't my body. But it /has/ to be mine. I think I'd know if I wasn't me.
I /am/ me.
I /have/ to be.
This is not my life, though.
This can't be real.
--
June 3
Dear Journal,
And if this were real, then Joey wouldn't be going out with Tea. He would be with Mai. I know that. She knows that, too. I wish she would talk to me, because I think she would believe me, that this isn't real. But she won't. I haven't even seen her. Yugi says that it would be too painful for her. I told him he's no idea what pain is, when every time I look in the mirror I see someone who isn't me, but he just got all teary and mumbled something about understanding.
Not real, not real, not real. We're still in Egypt. This is a hallucination.
--
June 4
Dear Journal,
And, you know, if this were really real, why would I be writing this? I never used to have a journal. Why would I want one now? I just remember that I did want one. In fact, it's hard to remember anything from those first weeks after we came back.
I feel sorry for Kaiba and Mokuba. I mean, I didn't have anyone left behind but Atenna, and she fended for herself while we were "gone." But they're high-profile, and they've had to deal with a lot. I imagine it will be like this when we really get back, too.
That's another thing. Why hasn't anyone really wondered why we disappeared for over a month? I appreciate that Yugi's grandfather made excuses, but /really/. Can't my mind generate something more realistic than this?
--
June 5
And now I'm just worried that I'm suddenly going to drop dead. It was horrible to be dying, but it's more horrible to know that I am and I can't do anything about it because I'm stuck /here/, in this stupid reality that would be perfect if only...
--
June 6
I want to go home.
--
June 8
Atenna slept in my bed last night. Something is definitely up. I wish I could convince everyone else.
You know, I never thought that I would /want/ to go back to Egypt.
--
June 11
I remember hating him. I remember him hating me. There's another proof for you. I remember he said "I love you." My yami would never say anything like that, not to me. Never to me.
--
Later
What if he meant it?
--
Later
This is stupid. I'm not getting anywhere. There's got to be some way to wake up. Even dying is better than this. I don't want to live like this. I think I'd go a bit insane if I didn't have the fact that this isn't real to cling to.
--
Later
/Someone wake me up/.
-----
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life
And today is all you've got now
And today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
-----
June 12
Dear Journal,
I don't know why I write to you as if you're a person. It's silly, I suppose, but maybe everyone needs something that they can tell everything to.
Father called last night. I was a bit of a wreck, didn't want to talk to him. He's coming home.
I was so mean to you-know-who last time Father came home.
Perhaps when we get back to the real reality, I shall let them meet. Such an important part of my life shouldn't be a secret.
--
June 14
Dear Journal,
I am an emotional trainwreck waiting to happen, according to Yami, who's apparently been reading a bit too much bad fiction in the aftermath of what he believes happened in Egypt.
Everyone is so concerned for me. They think I should be more upset. I /am/ upset. Wouldn't you be, if you were trapped in your own mind with no way to escape?
--
June 15
Dear Journal,
I tried to clean my room today. I'm afraid I've been letting it go since our "return." There are things under the bed that are alive, but which were not alive when they got there. Atenna killed one, and has dragged it off to wherever she goes when she isn't following me.
I finally got all my school stuff together and stowed it away. It's a relief to finally /really/ realize that I don't have to go back for months.
Never, in fact. It won't have any adverse affects on my life, because this isn't my life.
--
June 18
Dear Journal,
Shitshitshit. Father will be here tomorrow and Atenna's got into the fridge and there is chocolate syrup and spoiling milk /everywhere/.
Time to call in reinforcements, I think.
--
Later
It's almost midnight. Yami Yugi, Yugi, Joey, and Tristan were here for awhile, helping me to clean. Tristan and Joey even went into you-know-who's old room and tidied up a bit. Everyone kept shooting me significant glances. I don't think I can be expected to be much more of an emotional trainwreck than I am just now.
I hate when Father comes to visit.
It used to be tolerable, at least, with you-know-who's ramblings always in my head. Many a time have I burst out laughing for no reason, considerably startling my father.
I don't laugh much anymore.
Father's plane will not get in until late afternoon. Perhaps I can arrange a day at an amusement park or something?
--
June 29
Dear Journal,
Father's gone, finally. He seems pleased with the way I've been "running the household." Some welfare lady dropped by as well. The government is always so worried about a teenager living by himself. I do quite well, however, and I've always got money enough, and apparently I seem happy.
I am /not/ an emotional trainwreck.
If I have to survive in this reality much longer, though, I shall be very vexed. /What/ is taking them so long?
-----
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose?
-----
July 2
Dear Journal,
Isis Ishtar has contacted us from Egypt, and has "humbly requested our presence." I informed Yugi that I have no wish to go to modern-day Egypt, I'd just like to get back to ancient Egypt. He seems a bit worried about me.
Also, there is definitely something going on with Joey and Yugi. I didn't notice before - I've been a bit wrapped up in myself - but they don't seem like best friends anymore. They don't talk as much. They don't laugh as much. They give each other these strange looks.
Maybe they remember Egypt, too, and something happened to them there?
God, if I ever get my hands on that demon...it's screwed our lives up royally. Even if they aren't the real lives.
--
July 3
Oh God.
--
July 8
I keep meaning to write, and I never have enough time.
I'm in the hospital. Not me, specifically. I mean I'm /at/ the hospital.
Mai's had a nervous breakdown of some kind. They say Seto Kaiba has, too, but he's in a special ward for the extremely wealthy. And Joey's confessed he's been seeing things.
Maybe this reality is disintegrating.
It's about time.
I am worried, though. I mean, how could I not be? I could be next.
--
July 9
Dear Journal,
Eight people went to ancient Egypt. One of them doesn't exist here, and the remaining six, besides me, are now in an insane asylum.
We aren't crazy.
I'd know if I was crazy.
Mostly I'm scared they'll remember that I disappeared, too, and lock me up.
I'm not crazy.
I'm just the only one who knows this isn't real.
--
July 10
Dear Journal,
Isis called me long distance. She insists that she must speak to me in person. I told her to come here, and she said she can't get away, and will I please just catch a plane to Egypt? The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Me: I really doubt that. I've six friends in the hospital, if you'll recall.
Isis: Precisely. I think I can help you.
Me: Then help by coming /here/. I'm not leaving.
Isis: Why? Why won't you simply come?
Me: Because I don't want to.
Isis: The world hangs in the balance!
Me: Yes, that's always the excuse with you people, isn't it?
I'm never this sarcastic in the real reality.
I must say, this hallucination is growing progressively darker. Perhaps my subconscious is preparing me for death by sending me hurtling toward the end of the world.
Again.
--
July 12
I don't want to be here anymore.
--
I want him back I want him back I want him back
--
Please go away
-----
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose?
-----
July 15
Dear Journal,
Forgive my shortness these past days. I've been under siege.
You see, apparently someone made the connection, and several doctors came to collect me. I told them, calmly and rationally, that I was /not/ crazy and would like it a lot if I could stay home, please. They attempted to break down the door. Atenna and I took refuge in the cellar, and climbed out a window. I've been at Tea's, but they keep coming around asking about me, and I don't like letting her see this. You never know, she might take it into her head to read it.
Not crazy, not crazy, not crazy.
Unless, you know, it's crazy to be the only one who knows that this isn't real.
--
I mean, wouldn't I know if he were dead?
--
I miss him.
--
This is so stupid. I don't even know what day it is. It's so hard to keep track of time. Tea comes and goes, she has to act natural, and I keep falling asleep and forgetting to ask her what day it is.
This situation is dreadful. Here I sit, rotting away with only Atenna as a companion, knowing that everything in this reality has gone wrong and in Egypt, I'm dying.
I don't think I want to die.
--
I want to go home.
--
Which home do I mean? My house, or my reality?
--
I have to talk to someone. Someone who was there. Unfortunately, they're unavailable.
--
Well, if I wasn't in trouble before, I am now.
-----
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
Who you want to be
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
You had everything to lose
-----
Dear Journal,
I've been writing shortly for some time now, and I think it's time to actually fulfill the purpose of this journal: recording accurately everything that occurs.
Yesterday, I had the idea that there were /not/ only eight of us there. The Millennium Items were there, too, and I remember them talking. I was a bit distraught at the time, and of course that whole thing was a hallucination, but I figure that if this is a continuation of that hallucination, it should still hold true.
I broke into Joey's house and took the Scale.
Serenity caught me just when I was on my way out.
Serenity: Everyone's looking for you. They say you're mentally unstable.
Me: (sounding, I suppose, a bit hysterical, due to sudden realization of the breaking-and-entering charge) I'm not crazy!
Serenity: (reaching for 'phone) That's a Millennium Item, isn't it? Your...evil side...was collecting them.
Me: Oh, /God/, Serenity. I'm not trying to take over the world! In fact, I suspect I'm actually trying to save it!
Serenity: You /suspect/?
Me: It's kind of up in the air whether the world's actually in danger or not.
Serenity: Am I in danger?
Me: Put the 'phone down, Serenity.
Serenity: (beginning to dial) Hold on, Ryou, I want to help you.
Me: I'd like to help me, too.
I convinced her to trust me, I think. Anyway, she didn't dial the police while I was there. We talked, and I think she might believe me, that this isn't real.
It must be very tough, facing the fact that what you thought was real really wasn't.
-----
Author's Note: First off, don't worry. The rest of the story will not be in journal format.
I can't promise that it won't be weird in other ways, because, you know, it's me, but...
The rest of the chapters won't be so short, either. This was rather a special case.
The song is "This is Your Life," by Switchfoot.
A bit unconventional: this story will not have a single soundtrack. Rather, I've chosen songs from a few CDs I quite like. You'll have to wait and see on this one, I'm afraid.
Next Chapter: Who Knows. Several things happen to confuse Ryou. Several things happen to make other people question their sanity. Several doctors are extremely irritating. Several Millennium Items are insufferable gits.
June 2
Dear Journal,
This can't be real.
I mean it. It can't be real. This is some kind of dream. Maybe it's a hallucination generated by Sathaugula, or something. Maybe we're still in Egypt. Maybe I'm still dying.
But this isn't real.
I mean, look at the evidence: Atenna likes me now, she used to hate me. And I've somehow acquired the ability to finish my homework in under two hours. I told Yugi, but he says it's just because I haven't got you-know-who around to keep me occupied, and then he almost started crying, so I didn't mention the other stuff.
You'd think that if I'd returned from Egypt, I wouldn't be unscathed.
I should have scars on my wrists, where Sathaugula cut me. I should have /something/. Instead, nothing.
I told Yugi that, too, later on, and he just thinks it's because this isn't my body. But it /has/ to be mine. I think I'd know if I wasn't me.
I /am/ me.
I /have/ to be.
This is not my life, though.
This can't be real.
--
June 3
Dear Journal,
And if this were real, then Joey wouldn't be going out with Tea. He would be with Mai. I know that. She knows that, too. I wish she would talk to me, because I think she would believe me, that this isn't real. But she won't. I haven't even seen her. Yugi says that it would be too painful for her. I told him he's no idea what pain is, when every time I look in the mirror I see someone who isn't me, but he just got all teary and mumbled something about understanding.
Not real, not real, not real. We're still in Egypt. This is a hallucination.
--
June 4
Dear Journal,
And, you know, if this were really real, why would I be writing this? I never used to have a journal. Why would I want one now? I just remember that I did want one. In fact, it's hard to remember anything from those first weeks after we came back.
I feel sorry for Kaiba and Mokuba. I mean, I didn't have anyone left behind but Atenna, and she fended for herself while we were "gone." But they're high-profile, and they've had to deal with a lot. I imagine it will be like this when we really get back, too.
That's another thing. Why hasn't anyone really wondered why we disappeared for over a month? I appreciate that Yugi's grandfather made excuses, but /really/. Can't my mind generate something more realistic than this?
--
June 5
And now I'm just worried that I'm suddenly going to drop dead. It was horrible to be dying, but it's more horrible to know that I am and I can't do anything about it because I'm stuck /here/, in this stupid reality that would be perfect if only...
--
June 6
I want to go home.
--
June 8
Atenna slept in my bed last night. Something is definitely up. I wish I could convince everyone else.
You know, I never thought that I would /want/ to go back to Egypt.
--
June 11
I remember hating him. I remember him hating me. There's another proof for you. I remember he said "I love you." My yami would never say anything like that, not to me. Never to me.
--
Later
What if he meant it?
--
Later
This is stupid. I'm not getting anywhere. There's got to be some way to wake up. Even dying is better than this. I don't want to live like this. I think I'd go a bit insane if I didn't have the fact that this isn't real to cling to.
--
Later
/Someone wake me up/.
-----
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life
And today is all you've got now
And today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
-----
June 12
Dear Journal,
I don't know why I write to you as if you're a person. It's silly, I suppose, but maybe everyone needs something that they can tell everything to.
Father called last night. I was a bit of a wreck, didn't want to talk to him. He's coming home.
I was so mean to you-know-who last time Father came home.
Perhaps when we get back to the real reality, I shall let them meet. Such an important part of my life shouldn't be a secret.
--
June 14
Dear Journal,
I am an emotional trainwreck waiting to happen, according to Yami, who's apparently been reading a bit too much bad fiction in the aftermath of what he believes happened in Egypt.
Everyone is so concerned for me. They think I should be more upset. I /am/ upset. Wouldn't you be, if you were trapped in your own mind with no way to escape?
--
June 15
Dear Journal,
I tried to clean my room today. I'm afraid I've been letting it go since our "return." There are things under the bed that are alive, but which were not alive when they got there. Atenna killed one, and has dragged it off to wherever she goes when she isn't following me.
I finally got all my school stuff together and stowed it away. It's a relief to finally /really/ realize that I don't have to go back for months.
Never, in fact. It won't have any adverse affects on my life, because this isn't my life.
--
June 18
Dear Journal,
Shitshitshit. Father will be here tomorrow and Atenna's got into the fridge and there is chocolate syrup and spoiling milk /everywhere/.
Time to call in reinforcements, I think.
--
Later
It's almost midnight. Yami Yugi, Yugi, Joey, and Tristan were here for awhile, helping me to clean. Tristan and Joey even went into you-know-who's old room and tidied up a bit. Everyone kept shooting me significant glances. I don't think I can be expected to be much more of an emotional trainwreck than I am just now.
I hate when Father comes to visit.
It used to be tolerable, at least, with you-know-who's ramblings always in my head. Many a time have I burst out laughing for no reason, considerably startling my father.
I don't laugh much anymore.
Father's plane will not get in until late afternoon. Perhaps I can arrange a day at an amusement park or something?
--
June 29
Dear Journal,
Father's gone, finally. He seems pleased with the way I've been "running the household." Some welfare lady dropped by as well. The government is always so worried about a teenager living by himself. I do quite well, however, and I've always got money enough, and apparently I seem happy.
I am /not/ an emotional trainwreck.
If I have to survive in this reality much longer, though, I shall be very vexed. /What/ is taking them so long?
-----
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose?
-----
July 2
Dear Journal,
Isis Ishtar has contacted us from Egypt, and has "humbly requested our presence." I informed Yugi that I have no wish to go to modern-day Egypt, I'd just like to get back to ancient Egypt. He seems a bit worried about me.
Also, there is definitely something going on with Joey and Yugi. I didn't notice before - I've been a bit wrapped up in myself - but they don't seem like best friends anymore. They don't talk as much. They don't laugh as much. They give each other these strange looks.
Maybe they remember Egypt, too, and something happened to them there?
God, if I ever get my hands on that demon...it's screwed our lives up royally. Even if they aren't the real lives.
--
July 3
Oh God.
--
July 8
I keep meaning to write, and I never have enough time.
I'm in the hospital. Not me, specifically. I mean I'm /at/ the hospital.
Mai's had a nervous breakdown of some kind. They say Seto Kaiba has, too, but he's in a special ward for the extremely wealthy. And Joey's confessed he's been seeing things.
Maybe this reality is disintegrating.
It's about time.
I am worried, though. I mean, how could I not be? I could be next.
--
July 9
Dear Journal,
Eight people went to ancient Egypt. One of them doesn't exist here, and the remaining six, besides me, are now in an insane asylum.
We aren't crazy.
I'd know if I was crazy.
Mostly I'm scared they'll remember that I disappeared, too, and lock me up.
I'm not crazy.
I'm just the only one who knows this isn't real.
--
July 10
Dear Journal,
Isis called me long distance. She insists that she must speak to me in person. I told her to come here, and she said she can't get away, and will I please just catch a plane to Egypt? The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Me: I really doubt that. I've six friends in the hospital, if you'll recall.
Isis: Precisely. I think I can help you.
Me: Then help by coming /here/. I'm not leaving.
Isis: Why? Why won't you simply come?
Me: Because I don't want to.
Isis: The world hangs in the balance!
Me: Yes, that's always the excuse with you people, isn't it?
I'm never this sarcastic in the real reality.
I must say, this hallucination is growing progressively darker. Perhaps my subconscious is preparing me for death by sending me hurtling toward the end of the world.
Again.
--
July 12
I don't want to be here anymore.
--
I want him back I want him back I want him back
--
Please go away
-----
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose?
-----
July 15
Dear Journal,
Forgive my shortness these past days. I've been under siege.
You see, apparently someone made the connection, and several doctors came to collect me. I told them, calmly and rationally, that I was /not/ crazy and would like it a lot if I could stay home, please. They attempted to break down the door. Atenna and I took refuge in the cellar, and climbed out a window. I've been at Tea's, but they keep coming around asking about me, and I don't like letting her see this. You never know, she might take it into her head to read it.
Not crazy, not crazy, not crazy.
Unless, you know, it's crazy to be the only one who knows that this isn't real.
--
I mean, wouldn't I know if he were dead?
--
I miss him.
--
This is so stupid. I don't even know what day it is. It's so hard to keep track of time. Tea comes and goes, she has to act natural, and I keep falling asleep and forgetting to ask her what day it is.
This situation is dreadful. Here I sit, rotting away with only Atenna as a companion, knowing that everything in this reality has gone wrong and in Egypt, I'm dying.
I don't think I want to die.
--
I want to go home.
--
Which home do I mean? My house, or my reality?
--
I have to talk to someone. Someone who was there. Unfortunately, they're unavailable.
--
Well, if I wasn't in trouble before, I am now.
-----
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
Who you want to be
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
You had everything to lose
-----
Dear Journal,
I've been writing shortly for some time now, and I think it's time to actually fulfill the purpose of this journal: recording accurately everything that occurs.
Yesterday, I had the idea that there were /not/ only eight of us there. The Millennium Items were there, too, and I remember them talking. I was a bit distraught at the time, and of course that whole thing was a hallucination, but I figure that if this is a continuation of that hallucination, it should still hold true.
I broke into Joey's house and took the Scale.
Serenity caught me just when I was on my way out.
Serenity: Everyone's looking for you. They say you're mentally unstable.
Me: (sounding, I suppose, a bit hysterical, due to sudden realization of the breaking-and-entering charge) I'm not crazy!
Serenity: (reaching for 'phone) That's a Millennium Item, isn't it? Your...evil side...was collecting them.
Me: Oh, /God/, Serenity. I'm not trying to take over the world! In fact, I suspect I'm actually trying to save it!
Serenity: You /suspect/?
Me: It's kind of up in the air whether the world's actually in danger or not.
Serenity: Am I in danger?
Me: Put the 'phone down, Serenity.
Serenity: (beginning to dial) Hold on, Ryou, I want to help you.
Me: I'd like to help me, too.
I convinced her to trust me, I think. Anyway, she didn't dial the police while I was there. We talked, and I think she might believe me, that this isn't real.
It must be very tough, facing the fact that what you thought was real really wasn't.
-----
Author's Note: First off, don't worry. The rest of the story will not be in journal format.
I can't promise that it won't be weird in other ways, because, you know, it's me, but...
The rest of the chapters won't be so short, either. This was rather a special case.
The song is "This is Your Life," by Switchfoot.
A bit unconventional: this story will not have a single soundtrack. Rather, I've chosen songs from a few CDs I quite like. You'll have to wait and see on this one, I'm afraid.
Next Chapter: Who Knows. Several things happen to confuse Ryou. Several things happen to make other people question their sanity. Several doctors are extremely irritating. Several Millennium Items are insufferable gits.
