The "Coventry Carol" is an old English Christmas song (which some of the lyrics is in question)that's about the Massacre of the Innocents, in which King Herod orders all Bethlehem boys under the age of 2 to be killed in hopes to kill the baby Jesus. In this song, the mothers of those slain children sing a mournful lullaby to their dead babies. In this fanfic, I imagined, Esme singing a mournful lullaby to her dead infant son.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Coventry Carol
Lully, lullay, Thou little tiny Child,
Esme held a funeral wreath as she walked though the old cemetery with a quiet air of mustered dignity and solemn silence as she made her annual four-day pilgrimage to her son's grave on his birthday (to celebrate her son's life) and his death day (to mourn his passing). The autumn wind scattered the dead leaves on the cemetery ground and nipped at Esme's nose. The sky above was an overcast gray with a light rain in the forecast. Esme hoped that it will rain. Being a vampire, she could not cry. She wanted the sky to cry for her.
A few agonizing yards later, she came upon a small headstone no bigger than a small stone. It was old and worn and read:
William Michael Evenson
A loving son whose time ended before it really began
December 1, 1921 – December 4, 1921
"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come to me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Mathew 19:14
Esme bent down and gently placed the funeral wreath on the grave as if she were laying her son in his crib. A light drizzle started, and Esme was grateful. A deep and agonizing pain – the pain only a mother after losing her child could feel – welled up inside her that could only be soothed by tears. However, Esme had none and the pain grew more agonizing. It was when Heaven cried for her that her pain began to soothe but not heal.
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
The rain began to pick up pace and soon it was wetting her skin and soaking her black clothes. She didn't mine. It felt like it was cleansing the grief and depression in her soul. After all, living with an abusive husband lead her into depression, but when she had her son, the depression was chased away by an endless amount of love for. Then three days later, her son unexpectedly dies, leading her in a downward spiral of depression, dropping her into suicide. It was only because of her failed suicide attempt and Carlisle that she was alive – and immortal. Despite wanting to end her own life and now being cursed to immortality, it was a blessing in disguise. She had for once a loving, compassionate husband, six beautiful children, and a beautiful granddaughter, whom she loved to spoil, but not even her children could replace William.
Esme longingly stared at her son's grave. She supposed it was time to say something, but what could she say? For eighty-five years, never once has she been able to utter a word to her son on his death day, only on his birthday. It was easy to talk to her son when she was celebrating a joyous moment with him, but it was hard, bordering on impossible, to talk to William when she was mourning him. She sighed. Despite this hardship, she needed to talk to him on this day. It might put an ease to her mind and consol her heart. It could even help her move on a little bit. Not that her annual pilgrimages would stop even if she were completely healed. Dead or alive, William was still her son, and as a mother, she felt the need to be with him. So opening her mouth and keeping her voice from cracking, she said, "My son…"
Lullay, thou little tiny Child,
She stopped before she said any more. She could almost hear her voice begin to crack from sadness and for tears that will never pour. She composed herself and began once more. "My son, what is it like in Heaven? Are you well? Are you safe and loved? What are you like now? Oh, how I wish I knew. I worry for you. Mothers always worry for their children." So far she was doing well.
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
"My son, I must confess that I'm not quite sure what to say except goodbye, but I don't want to say goodbye. Not ever. I miss you so much. Edward, Rosalie, Jasper, Bella, Alice, Emmett, and even Renesmee could never take your place, but I'm sure you would have loved them as your own siblings and niece. Carlisle would have loved you as if you were his own son. He's so compassionate and understanding. You would never find another man like him. I'm sure you would have loved him as a father. I love you."
O sisters too, how may we do,
Esme fingered with the grass blades before thinking about what to say next. There was so much but so little. She only had him for four days as an infant before William grew and developed his own personality and interests. Before Esme got to experience William's first words, first walk, celebrate William's first birthday, first day of school, first anything. Before Esme truly got to spend time with her son, getting to know him for who he was and loving him for that. However, this lead to so many questions that will be unanswered for an eternity unless a vampire ripped her apart and burned her severed limbs, body, and head. It also led to so many unspoken feelings of heartache, grief, depression, and attempted suicide.
She guessed that she could explain her want of motherhood and what William meant to her. "William, I wish you were alive right now and right here with me. Never in my life have I wanted more than to be a mother, and I grieve that I can't bear any children. You see, William, growing up, I was an only child. It was lonely without any siblings. I so desperately wanted to have a little brother or sister so I can teach them and take care of them. I wanted to be a hero in their eyes. However, I had many friends which they were like sisters to me. We played a lot of games, but one game that we played the most was when we brought our baby dolls and pretend that were mothers taking our babies on a play date. It was then I wanted to be a mother.
"When we grew up, I watched my friends get married and had children, and they were so happy, but I had no children. I was happy for my friends and enjoyed babysitting their children, but I was jealous of them. Then when I was twenty, I married Charles Evenson. You are the only reason that I don't regret marrying that man." She nearly spat on the last word. "He was physically and verbally abusive. He was so abusive that I began to feel as though I was unworthy of love. Then, by a miracle of God, I discovered that I was pregnant. I was thrilled. For once, I was going to be a mother, but my joy was cut short when I realized that Charles was not a suitable father. I was fearful that he might abuse you so I ran away to Upper Arlington – the closest town from Columbus – where I gave birth to you in a hospital. When I saw your angelic face, I felt overwhelming and unconditional love for you. It was because of you that I believed that I was worthy of love. I held you close in my arms and swore that I'll be the best mother I could be."
For to preserve this day
Esme paused in her story, the worst part was about to come. She didn't want to speak of it as if it speaking of this infamous day will bring a curse upon her. However, she needed to speak. She could not let this unspoken pain be kept up in her heart for any longer. The rain pounded. "Then three days later, the unspeakable happened. You died. The doctors and nurses could not understand why, but hey suspected it had to do with your heart. I'm sure of you were born in this time period, not only would you survive, but the doctors could diagnose the problem and cure you of it. Anyway, I was so devastated. It felt as if someone ripped my heart out of my body and tore it to shreds. My worthiness of love was stolen from me, and the depression came back with a vengeance, and I took my own life. There was nothing left for me, William. I couldn't go back to Columbus to an abusive husband and dead parents, but I couldn't live without the necessary love that nourishes my heart so I jumped off a cliff. Everyone thought I was dead, and someone brought me to a morgue. But as fate would have it, Carlisle happened to be there and heard my faint heartbeat. He changed me into a vampire and soon we fell in love, and I became a mother through adoption." Esme sighed in relief. She managed to speak about her darkest day without stopping, but all was not said.
This poor youngling for whom we do sing
Suddenly anger welled up inside her before bursting in her vocal cords and exploding out of her mouth. "You were only four-days-old! How could God take you way from me? Did He not see that I needed you? That I loved you and that I would do anything for you whether be it your happiness or safety?" Then Esme switched talking to William to screaming at God. "Why, God? Why? I loved him so much!" Esme burst into tearless sobbing, and not even the downpour could cry for her, easing her pain. Bearing the pain of losing a child was impossible for a mother to bear. It was a tragic curse, promising to never leave until the mother died herself. How could anyone blame her for reproaching God?
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
Dry sobs racked her body for the longest time. It was eighty-five years of pent up grief and heartache not being able to flow free through tears – the only way Esme knew how to express her sorrows – flowing from her heart and soul into her voice, its only way out. What would she give for the ability to cry? She continued her pitiful whimpering and muttered why's to God and "my son" to William. No angel in all of Heaven or rainstorm in all of Earth could comfort her or ease her suffering. And she was thankful that her coven wasn't here to see her like this. She needed to grieve alone, by her son's grave.
Herod, the king, in his raging,
Finally, the sobs ended, and Esme straightened herself up the best she could. However, her anger was replaced by guilt. She was alive, but her son was not. She was immortal, but the grave reminded her of her own son's mortality. Esme will and always be alive, but her son is and will always be dead. Mothers should die first! They should not bury their children! And yet, here she was, a mother, who had buried her child eighty-five years ago. Esme cursed death and the immortality of vampires. "My son," she began to say, "No mother should bury her child. I hate that this happened to us."
Charged he hath this day
Esme began to think darkly. She wished that the personification of death was real so she could summon the Grim Reaper and use her vampire fighting abilities to claw and shatter his bones, to shatter his skull, to curse and spit on the Grim Reaper, to destroy him by his own scythe – all for the mere reason of killing a tiny, helpless infant. Her infant. How could death be so cruel as to take the life of a mere helpless infant before his own time? And how could life be so cruel as to mock Esme's situation by giving her immortality? It wasn't fair!
His men of might, in his own sight,
Esme wished that she could enter the gates of Heaven without killing herself so she can find her son and bring him down to Earth. It was against the laws of Heaven and Earth, for a living soul to enter the afterlife and come back, but screw the rules! She would fight every warrior angel in her way just to bring her son home. God and his angels had nothing on her and her strong-as-iron maternal instincts and burning love for her son. She would fight every one of them. Even if she had to do it alone.
All young children to slay.
There should be a celestial law that bans death, God, Satan, or anyone from taking the life of a child, Esme thought as she thought about William and countless dead children. There were other mothers in her current situation. She never met any, but Carlisle has told her stories of times that he delivered stillborns and times of when he failed to save a child's life. He told her of the heart wrenching sorrow of the parents and how he failed immeasurable guilt for failing to save the children's' lives. Esme had nothing but empathy for the parents of the dead children and stillborn babies. She understood fully well the pain of losing a child, and each time she would send flowers and a "Thinking of You" card to those parents. Strangely, the parents' grief gave her comfort in the fact that she was not alone in her sorrow. Perhaps, she should join a support group for mothers who have lost a child, or she should form one instead. It could do so much good for her and for countless others who are in her shoes.
That woe is me, poor Child for Thee!
After minutes of solemn silence, welled up in grief, Esme spoke. "William, not a day goes by that I don't miss you or wish you were here. I love you, and if it were possible, I climb up the stairs of Heaven and bring you back home. I just feel so angry at God for taking you before I truly got to know you, and I'm sad beyond comfort of your death. You may not understand, but a mother's love for her child is immeasurable, and when that child dies, it feels like the end of the world for them. Well, it's more like as if their world is being sucked through a black hole where not even light can penetrate. That's how I feel when you died. However, as I began to adopt my children, the light began to penetrate the darkness. My whole family is my own personal sun, but not even they can chase away all of the dark grief that covers my world.
And ever mourn and sigh,
"I guess even eighty-five years after your death, I'm still mourning for you, and I will never stop mourning for you. Getting over someone's death is a myth. You never truly get over it. You just move on. But for me and that goes for all parents who lost a child moving on is impossible. How can I ever move on from this? Sometimes I daydream what my life would be like if you did not die. Sometimes I daydream you as a young man and a vampire so I will still have my husband, my children and granddaughter, and you forever and ever. I guess that's my personal world, but a lot of times I wonder what are you like. Are you a shy young man? Or are you daring and adventurous? Artistic or athletic? A serious young man with pride and ambition, or a man who likes to laugh a lot and make others laugh? I will never know unless I join you in heaven, but I, being a vampire, may never get to go to Heaven, and that's what kills me.
For thy parting neither say nor sing,
"Human mothers have the luxury of knowing that their time will soon be up, and therefore they can be reunited with their dead son or daughter. However, I'm immortal. My time never ends by some biological clock, and I can't die by guns, knives, car accidents, wooden stakes, or anything except one thing and it's not like there's any vampire out there to kill me. I don't have the luxury of knowing that I'll see you again sometime soon. I might never see you and this kills me. In fact, if it weren't for my family, I would probably beg the Volturi to kill me so I may be reunited with you." Esme thought for a minute. "But maybe you wouldn't like that. You would probably want me to live in the name of your memory. And that's what I continue to do."
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
The rain ended, and sunlight began to break through the clouds, but the clouds did not fully part away, leaving the sky as partly cloudy. It was getting late, and Esme knew it was soon time to leave. She couldn't let other people see her sparkling skin and face the Volturi's wrath. She could not die because of her family, and although the sun was something Esme avoided in public, her heart felt warmed by it, melting the rock sitting on her heart. The hole, though, will never be healed. Only a reunion with William could heal the hole in her heart, and although the clouds will never part her world, at least the sun will shine with them. Esme said what she needed to say, and perhaps, by next year, new things will come up and she'll have more to say on the anniversary of William's death day. But for now, she said everything that she's kept unspoken for eighty-five years, and although she'll never completely heal, Esme can at least live her life with less agony. It was time for one last goodbye before next year's pilgrimage.
Esme kissed her hand and touched William's headstone. "Goodbye, William, my son. I love you for always and ever. Until I see you again next year."
With that said Esme got up and left the cemetery for her still living family. Hopefully they didn't destroy the house while she was gone.