Testosterone Ain't Good Enough, Kid

Kyman One-Shot

LustForTheLetters

Kyle Broflovski had always heard that a ginger tends to have a temper like the color of their hair, but he never intended on taking it to heart. Jealousy wasn't something that he thrived on, and it wasn't a problem that occurred in his high school life, where all he could think about was taking the girl who was making 'googly eyes' towards his significant other and strangling her with the green hat that sat on top of his head.

No, Kyle never beforehand had a reason to be envious of anyone.

But now, in the middle of a Calculus class where he should have been paying more attention to the dumbass formulas than a blonde chick in the front row, envy was taking its course.

It took Kyle a second to realize he was clutching his pencil, and when he came to the conclusion that his writing utensil wasn't the enemy, he sighed and let it go, roaming his eyes away from the scene. The truth of the matter was that the blonde bimbo, known as Bebe according to the other classmates, was staring quite provocatively towards a male student sitting three desks away from her.

He had shaggy brunette hair, stocky shoulders that looked like they could easily rip apart the red jacket he was wearing, and he was obviously playing on his iPhone when he should have been paying attention to class. Of course, Eric Cartman never paid attention to educational factors, so Kyle should have known better than to think he was. Regardless of what he was doing, Kyle was more concerned about Bebe than anything, so he decided to act a little risky. He took out his own Samsung (had to be competitive with the fatass, even with electronic devices), and he sent a friendly message.

What r you doing, fatass?

It took a couple seconds for the brunette ahead of him to register a vibration within his hands, so Kyle watched as Cartman opened up the message box. There was a sadistic form of laughter that went off inside the ginger's head, and even more so whenever Cartman typed back a quick response. Kyle didn't even need to feel the vibration against his fingertips before opening what he had said.

Txting a juu in the middle of fcking class.

In a normal situation, Kyle would have blasphemed Cartman based on his horrific grammar, even going as far as to misspell the name of his people, but frankly, he was too pissed off to care. He decided that getting straight to the point would solve things clearly.

Why don't you go ahead and take a look to your left?

Kyle knew instantly from the moment that Cartman glanced to the side that Bebe was going to pretend nothing happened and quickly turn her head away, and whenever the moment came and went, such as expected, Cartman turned back and faced the ginger with a baffled look. Kyle rolled his eyes and started texting again, not surprised to hear their Calculus teacher snoring at her desk from behind him. Was this school even caring about what the kids did during the class?

Bebe was totally eating you up, dude. She was practically eye-raping you from across the room.

A deep anger filled Kyle once he sent his message. He knew he shouldn't get caught up in an envious rampage like this, but the fact of the matter was that this was Cartman. If it was somebody like Stan or Kenny, Kyle really wouldn't care, and it wasn't like Kyle asked for this kind of emotional bias. Oh no, Kyle would have gladly traded somebody else to fall in love with, but nobody else can make him feel so angry and undeniably happy at the same time. Nobody else can raise his most intimate and secluded emotions, while bringing out parts of him that nobody else could. Cartman was the only damn one who could do this kind of thing to him, and it infuriated his entire being.

Kind of like right now, while they were busy playing war with their messages.

…so?

So, doesn't that you know…bother you?

Why does it even bother me anyways? Kyle asked himself, letting his internal turmoil bubble up inside as the messages went back and forth. He saw a flash of light as Cartman texted him back.

hey, I'm not the one asking for the attention. bebe just wants my mah balls. not like I will give it to her though. u know that.

Kyle felt something in his chest freeze at that last part, and something about the way Cartman was reassuring him about the situation was strange, yet flattering. It was like Cartman was saying how he should just trust him, and know that nothing was going to happen.

The ginger had to smile at that thought.

Regardless, Kyle watched as the blonde girl tapped Cartman on the shoulder later on that period and smiled, flipping her hair. She was clearly asking him for help on the assignment, which was a bullshit idea already considering at how bad Cartman was at math.

"I'm trying to find how to solve this equation but there are way too many numbers, and I figured that you could help me?"

"Does it look like I give a shit about this class to you?" Kyle heard Cartman counter, and the brunette raised a piece of paper that had nothing but doodles all over it to prove his point. Bebe looked at the sheet of paper but felt like trying harder to rest her case. She leaned forward, pressuring Cartman's eyes to look down straight at the abyss known as her cleavage, and she purred our more words like a siren.

"You must have some of the answer already though...maybe I could help you with something if you help me?"

There was a look of sheer disgust that appeared in the brown of Cartman's eyes – even Kyle could see it from a far away distance – but once again, Cartman just turned in his seat and continued to doodle away.

"If helping me is going to make you the biggest slut this entire school population has ever seen, than trust me, you won't need any assistance with that. So yeah, go ahead and fuck off…just not with me."

There was a victorious tune that played in the outskirts of Kyle's mind, and the blonde girl stared back with an atrocious glare. Kyle saw Cartman whip out his cellphone again and quickly a text message appeared on his own front screen.

Don't lose faith, juu. U know I only have time to spend on your girly ass.

Kyle didn't complain one bit at what the message implied, or the grammatical treachery. No, the only thing that mattered was how he was going to take Cartman up on that as soon as they got home.

No questions asked.

A/N: Yeah so honestly, this is kind of a dribble that I came up with at the spur of the moment, since I was in a REALLY bad writer's block for the past few months. You could call this my breaking awakening, so to say. My story Expose Me is still being written right now, but I felt like I hadn't written any Kyman in such a long time, and since season 18 is doing so well so far, I figured I would write a little something. I hope you guys enjoyed this, because honestly? Jealous Kyle is the sexiest thing anyone can write and nobody can tell me otherwise.

My other idea was for Kyle to go murder Bebe herself (and honestly it isn't like I dislike Bebe, she's a decent character, I just felt like making her the slut of the story), but that was scraped pretty quickly.

So yeah, if you guys like this, please leave some kind of feedback, that would be so wait for it...kewl. So yeah, tell me what you think :)