Tohru's Computer
(Or: Tohru's Birthday and Its Unexpected and Generally Unfortunate Results)
By Animebookworm211
Hey, I haven't written a fanfic in a while...and I've never written a Furuba fanfic before! I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own Fruit's Basket.
(Shigure, Tohru, Kyo and Yuki sit in the kitchen, eating breakfast)
TOHRU: Good morning, everyone!!!
KYO: Nnng.
SHIGURE: (noting Kyo's bad mood) I agree, Tohru! What a lovely day it is!
KYO: Why can't you pick on Yuki?
SHIGURE: Yuki has no reactions before 9am. See? He's been pouring milk into his cup for five minutes now.
(Sure enough, a puddle of milk is covering the table)
KYO: AAAH!!! IT'S DRIPPING ON ME!!!
SHIGURE: See? It is a lovely day!
TOHRU: (wiping up milk) It's absolutely beautiful!
KYO: Shaddup! Today already sucks!
YUKI: (snapping out of it) Kyo. Did you just tell Tohru to shut up?
KYO: Yeah. I mean no. I mean crap.
YUKI: A bit early in the morning for mortal combat, but as it can't be helped you'd best prepare to die.
(Explosion of dust and violent, gory noises results, enveloping the table and then shooting off down the hall)
TOHRU: (Still peacefully wiping up the milk) I don't get it, Shigure-san. It's just an average day so far—
(Kyo sprints by the kitchen doorway, hissing like a cat; Yuki is hot on his tail)
TOHRU: But I feel like there's something special about today that I'm forgetting…something important…
(Doorbell rings)
TOHRU: Huh? (Goes and opens door)
UO & HANA: (standing in doorway and carrying a huge box) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOHRU-CHAN!!!
KYO & YUKI: (freezing mid-chase scene) It's Tohru's birthday?!
TOHRU: Wow, thanks, you guys! I completely forgot it even was my birthday!
HANA: We know. Part of our present is reminding you. Another part of our present is—
MOMIJI: (popping out of the box) ME!!! Here to spend the whole day with you!!!
KYO: Oh, please, no.
UO: WTF?! Who is this kid?!
MOMIJI: J/k, you guys. I just came along for the ride.
YUKI: Never say "j/k" again.
MOMIJI: I had to, in honor of Tohru's REAL present—(throws open box) A COMPUTER!!!
GURE: (appearing from nowhere) A COMPUTER?!
TOHRU: Wasn't that awfully expensive?
UO: (evilly) Not the way WE got it.
TOHRU: How did you get it?
HANA: The third part of our present is not answering that question. This way, when the police come, you can honestly tell them you don't know.
KYO: I'm really hoping she's joking.
GURE: Finally, the Sohma family can experience the wonders of the Internet! Thousands of websites…billions of webpages…trillions of images…
YUKI: Isn't most of it porn, though?
GURE: The wonders of the Internet!
UO: Hold your horses, Perv-san. First we have to set this up. (Walks into living room and dumps it on the floor)
(Awed silence)
YUKI: That…is a lot of wires.
MOMIJI: Where's the monitor?
UO: In one of the other three boxes outside.
HARU: (appearing from nowhere, three huge boxes in tow) They're not outside now.
(Pause for fangirl cheers)
KYO: What?! Where are my cheers?!
YUKI: (to Haru) What are you doing here?
HARU: I figured you guys would need help getting organized from someone mature and intelligent. People fitting that description aren't in high numbers around here.
TOHRU: How'd you know about the computer?
HARU: Let's just say Hana and Uo's…computer-acquiring techniques…had need of Black Haru.
GURE: I have to interrupt, but can we cut to the chase and hook this baby up?
HARU: Sure thing. (Dumps boxes out)
(Another awed silence)
UO: I can't see the floor.
TOHRU: How can so many parts fit in one box?
MOMIJI: Cool! This one has a CAUTION: HIGH VOLTAGE and a DO NOT OPEN: RADIOACTIVE sticker on it!
HARU: All right, Kyo and Yuki. Get to work.
KYO & YUKI: What?! Why us?!
HARU: Because you're manly men, and manly men fix computers. Think of it as your present to Tohru. Unless you bought her a different one, that is?
YUKI: I hate you sometimes.
KYO: It's not our fault! She didn't tell us it was her birthday!
TOHRU: Don't worry, you guys. I can do this myself! (Checks manual) Let's see…I start by taking this gray plug…and plugging it in the outlet labeled WARNING: DO NOT PLUG GRAY PLUG HERE.
HANA: Tohru, you're holding that manual upside down. (Takes manual) See? You put it in here, the outlet labeled PUTTING GRAY PLUG HERE WILL BEGIN SELF-DESTRUCT.
UO: Whoa, there's a self-destruct function? Sweetness!
HARU: OK, young assistants. Start helping by making those two stop helping.
YUKI: Hey, Tohru and Hana, why don't you two, um, make a snack?
TOHRU: Good idea! (They walk into the kitchen)
HANA: (From offstage) How about meat?
YUKI: (calling after them) I'm in a leeks mood today, myself.
KYO: Oh, very funny.
HARU: (Snapping his fingers) Assistants! Less chatting, more working!
(Yuki, Uo, Kyo, Momiji, and Gure sit in the midst of the wires while Haru surveys)
HARU: All right, everyone. Uo, you follow the manuals. Gure, you plug random wires into the monitor. Yuki, you start on the left and work your way inward, plugging wires into everything you see. If we use three different, contradictory techniques, we'll be thrice as efficient!
UO: "Thrice?"
YUKI: Didn't you come to help?
HARU: I am helping. Momiji, you're the smallest, so you dive down through the wires until you hit the floor and plug things in down there. Kyo, you help out everybody, but make sure to stay on hand to pull Momiji out if he starts drowning. What are you punks waiting for? Get to work!
(They all do so)
KYO: I swear, if it weren't Tohru's birthday, I'd punch Haru in the face and forget the freakin' computer.
YUKI: (dutifully plugging wires into everything he sees) I'm actually kind of excited about getting a computer.
KYO: Why? So you can stalk Machi online?
(Yuki shoots out his left hand and grabs Kyo around the neck without looking up)
YUKI: Could you say that again?
KYO: Grrglnnglgrrgl…
YUKI: Didn't think so.
GURE: I'm calling Hatori. Something tells me we're gonna need a doctor soon…
(Several hours later…)
(The living room is a spider web of wires that stretch from the walls to the floor to the ceiling. Yuki, Kyo, Uo and Gure are sweating and panting as they toil away.)
TOHRU: (Dejectedly, from the corner where she's sitting with Hana) Please let me help you!
ALL: NO!!!
HARU: (from a throne he's constructed out of the cardboard boxes) You're all doing great! Keep up the good work!
HANA: I think it looks lovely just the way it is.
KYO: Hey, waddaya know. It does look kinda like emo interior design!
HATORI: (from another corner, where he's been performing CPR on Momiji) Good news, Haru! He's alive!
MOMIJI: (waking up slowly) What happened? I was under the wires, and I couldn't breathe, and then I saw a bright light…
HARU: That was Kyo's headlamp. We had to give him one when he dove down to rescue you.
UO: (Reading from manual) OK, I only need one part and then it'll all fit together! Anyone seen a big light switch-looking thing labeled CAUTION: SLIPPERY WHEN WET?
MOMIJI: Hey, I did!
UO: Great! Where?
MOMIJI: In the deepest, darkest corner under the wires, just before I passed out!
UO:…Great.
HARU: Well, Momiji, up and at 'em! Back down you go!
TOHRU: No! He can't go back down there!
MOMIJI: Even I'm not small enough to reach that switch. I'd have to be the size of a rat.
(Everyone but Uo and Hana looks at Yuki)
YUKI: Oh, no.
GURE: Tohru, be a dear and come hug Yuki so he can transform.
YUKI: I don't want to transform!
KYO: Maybe we should get Machi to hug y—OOF!!!
HARU: K.O.! Chalk one up for Yuki!
HANA: Uo and I have no idea what's going on, so we're going to sit here patiently and not talk.
GURE: You didn't know about the curse? Ha! PLOT TWIST ON YOU!
TOHRU: A bunch of the Sohmas transform into animals when they're hugged by a member of the opposite sex.
HANA: I thought they had strange waves.
MOMIJI: In fact, Uo, Kureno was a member of the zodiac.
UO: Sweetness! Which animal?
TOHRU: Well, he was the rooster, before he broke the curse.
YUKI & KYO: Say what now?
GURE: Whoa, you guys are behind! PLOT TWIST ON YOU!
TOHRU: But no one knows how he did it.
HATORI: Oh, we know how he did it.
ALL BUT GURE & HATORI: We do?
HATORI: Yeah, it's easy. First you find a girl approximately 3.469 months younger than you are and convince her to fall in love with you. Then you slit her throat and spill the blood on an altar. Then you scrape up the blood and put it in a soup and feed it to Akito. Then you get Akito to throw up, and take her—
YUKI & KYO: "Her?!"
GURE: Looks like another PLOT TWIST ON—
HATORI: (completely ignoring them)—vomit and put it in your shampoo. After three to four rinses and several weeks of intense physical and psychological therapy, the curse is broken!
HANA: (emotionlessly) That simple, huh?
HATORI: It's a wonder more people haven't done it.
GURE: Kureno ruined it for the rest of us. She checks her soup more carefully now.
UO: What could possibly have driven Kureno to such lengths?!
HATORI: From what I recall, it was Aya's cock jokes that pushed him over the edge.
AYA: (appearing at the window from nowhere) Did I hear someone mention the eloquent sound of MY NAME?!
YUKI: GO AWAY. (Throws an orange at him, knocking him out of sight)
HARU: K.O.!
YUKI: OK, Tohru. I'm ready to transform.
TOHRU: Huh? But you said you didn't want to!
YUKI: It's not about me, though, Tohru. Today is your day, and I'm doing this for you.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KYO: This is disgustingly unfair.
TOHRU: OK, then…(hugs Yuki, who turns into a rat and scurries into the depths of the wires)
(They wait.)
HARU: My money says he won't come up.
MOMIJI: Mine says it'll be an hour or so.
(They wait more.)
HANA: My money says he changed back and got stuck down there.
HARU: Not a chance.
(They wait yet more.)
YUKI'S VOICE: You guys? I changed back. Now I'm stuck down here.
HARU: WTF?!
HANA: Don't bet against the waves.
TOHRU: What're we gonna do?
HARU: Maybe we should send Tohru down to hug him…
KYO: OVER. MY. FREAKIN'. DEAD. BODY!
YUKI: Hate to say it, but I'm with Kyo on this one.
GURE: Gasp! Yuki turning down an embrace from his beloved?! But why?!
YUKI: Because…I don't have any clothes on at the moment.
(Dead silence.)
UO: Call Machi.
HANA: Call the Prince Yuki Fan Club.
GURE: Call Aya.
YUKI: I hate you all.
HARU: Calm down, everyone, it's only a temporary setback. All we have to do is clear away the wires around him and he can crawl out and re-robe.
HATORI: How do we clear away the wires?
MOMIJI: Let's call Ritsu! He has a computer.
GURE: Good idea! (Pulls cell phone from nowhere, dials number. Phone rings.)
RITSU'S VOICE MAIL: WAAAH!!!! I'M SO SORRY I MISSED YOUR CALL!!! PLEASE, BEAT THIS LOWLY ONE THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM, AS PUNISHMENT!!! BETTER YET, LEAVE A MILLION MESSAGES, TO INCONVENIENCE ME AS MUCH AS I'VE INCONVENIENCED YOU!!! WAAAAH!!! NOT TO IMPLY THAT I'M INCONVENIENCED BY YOUR—
GURE: (Hanging up) He's not home. Maybe Mitchan knows where he is. (Dials number, phone rings.)
RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry, but the person you called has committed suicide. To page them anyway, press one—
GURE: (hanging up) She's, uh, not home either. Now what?
UO: I'm afraid we only have one option.
ALL: What?!
UO: BLOW IT UP!!!
(Surprised pause)
MOMIJI: Won't we all go up?
UO: Nah, I'm sure we can contain it. Only the wires over Yuki's head will explode. Then we can toss down his clothes and he can get dressed and crawl out!
YUKI: Won't I get, I don't know, a little singed in this process?
UO: Take it like a man.
KYO: Speaking of Yuki's manliness, do we still have that photo of him in a kimono?
YUKI: Don't make those be your last words, Kyo.
HATORI: How do you propose we cause this explosion, Uo?
UO: Simple. Hey, Tohru and Hana, want to take a turn fixing the computer?
TOHRU: Aren't we supposed to be trying to break the computer?
UO: Just trust me on this.
HANA: Good to see you trust us.
UO: Look, you wanted a chance to fix it, didn't you?
HANA: You have a point. Come on, Tohru. (They sit in the midst of the sea of wires.)
TOHRU: (reluctantly) Yuki, are you sure you'll be OK?
YUKI: (bravely) I'll bear it for you, Tohru!
KYO: WHERE IS THE POETIC JUSTICE?!
GURE: It's OK, Kyo. Let Yuki have his turn spending time in a dark, miserable, lonely corner for now. Your turn will come before you know it and will last…well, forever.
KYO: Gee, Shigure, thanks for bringing that up.
HANA: Tohru, I think we're almost done. We just need to stick this blue disk in the slot marked RED DISKS ONLY—
TOHRU: Hook up this box-shaped thing, the one with sparks coming out from where I dropped it earlier—
HANA: Put this three-pronged plug in this two-pronged outlet—
TOHRU: And press this button labeled CAUTION: DO NOT TOUCH!
BOOM
(When the smoke clears, everyone in the room has lost their eyebrows. The area where Yuki was buried has been transformed into a giant crater. Tohru looks too stunned to ever move again.)
AYA: (bursting through the door and breaking the stunned silence) Haa-san! Look who I found!
RIN: (Entering) Aya, I thought we were here to fix a computer, not to reassemble a dust cloud.
HIRO: (Entering) How could this be dust, Rin? Dust comes from dirt, and computers aren't made out of dirt. Computers are made out of highly advanced technological equipment. Are you so stupid you see highly advanced technological equipment and equate it with dirt? Do you think that's all computers are—
KISA: (Entering) TOHRU-KUN!!!! (Runs over and hugs her)
KAGURA: (Entering) Why am I even here? I'll just break everything.
UO: A little late for that…
GURE: Aya, what perfect timing! As you can see, we are in dire need of assistance! This labor supply is just what we need!
HARU: More people to boss around?! Sweetness!
(Amidst the confusion, Yuki drags his clothes into the crater, then climbs out, looking like a fully dressed stick of charcoal.)
(He punches Kyo.)
KYO: AAAHH!!! What was that for?!
YUKI: Nothing. I just hadn't hit you in way too long.
KYO: The whole time you were down there you were PSYCHOLOGICALLY hitting me! It was emotional pain!
YUKI: Oh, shut up.
KYO: Oh yeah? Why don't you hide in a hole, you two-faced rat?
(Collective gasp)
HARU: (Looking up from nuzzling Rin) Them's fightin' words…
KISA: Hey, Kyo, that was a pretty clever insult.
KYO: Wasn't it? I stayed up all night thinking that up.
HIRO: That's just sad.
YUKI: (lets the suspense build for a while, then says casually) Your sensei thinks square roots are vegetables.
(Dead silence)
KYO: Oh, man, that is IT, YOU LITTLE GIRLY FREAK! YOU ARE GOIN' DOWN!!! YOU ARE GETTIN' PWNED!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!! PR3P4R3 FOR M3G4 PWN4G3!!!!!
KAGURA: The computer's not even built yet and we're breaking out the 1337.
YUKI: Bring it on, Kitty B—OOFF!!!
HARU: K.O.!!!
KYO: Wait, what? I didn't touch him!
HANA: (eyes glinting with rage) No one insults Shishou in my presence and gets away with it.
KYO: You know what? Today DOES suck. Yuki got milk on me, Yuki and I got roped into fixing this dumb computer, Yuki beat me up three times, Yuki got to be a tragic hero—and I don't even get to knock Yuki out! I hate today! I hate my life! I hate the world! I hate—
(Tohru kisses him)
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KYO: (melting into the floor in ecstasy and trying to act like he's not) What…what was that?!
TOHRU: Think of it as your birthday present to me.
THE END
MOMIJI: And many mooooooore…