Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and neither am I making any money from this.
A/N: This is a fanfic that I wrote for BlackRosia's birthday (25-12) . She loves making fun of Sasuke, while I don't albeit it's funny.
This is a crack fic and it is not AU. Stops when he's 15.
Princess Sparkles
Age: A few days (?) before the birth.
"I'm sorry. I can't tell whether it's a boy or a girl. There seems to be a brightness coming from his genitalia area that disrupted the ultrasound."
Mikoto and Fugaku were confused ...and a bit worried.
Age: 3 hours.
Fugaku Uchiha and Mikoto Uchiha were puzzled as why their child – Sasuke Uchiha – looked as if he had a disco ball transfixed onto his genitals. The elder son – Itachi Uchiha – never had a problem concerning his body except his eyes. They were baggy and wrinkly but other than that he never had a single problem. So why was their child all hip (1) and sparkly?
Maybe God wanted him to be a superstar or something?
Age: 6 months
Mikoto decided that Sasuke would be a male. Sasuke looked just like Fugaku and Itachi. Hopefully, Sasuke wouldn't have multi-bags. It would just mean more Itachi lookalikes in the village.
But Mikoto could never confirm Sasuke's gender.
Age: 1 year.
Sasuke was an annoying child. Every time Mikoto went to change his diapers, she would be blinded by the retro coolness and sparkliness coming from the baby's genitals. The damned baby was becoming stinky and gritty and slimy. But, Mikoto could never see his genitals. (2)
Stupid sparkliness.
Age: 2 years.
The stupid child was a distraction even at night while it was asleep. There would be an obscene amount of light coming from the thing's pants no matter how many layers of blankets the child had on him. It was everlastingly blinding.
Mikoto was worried about her eyesight.
Age: 3 years.
The baby could talk but the only thing it seemed to be able to say were "Princess" and "sparkles". The stupid baby could also crawl meaning that the light was directed towards the ground and not towards them. The baby was useless, except for it's sparkliness. It definitely received attention and had won the 'Cutest Baby of Konoha' award. And that was only because they thought he sparkled, it was just his genitals.
Why wasn't he as good as Itachi, who was popular without sparkliness?
Age: 4 years.
Sasuke was going on the verge of craziness. He had named his genital - Princess Sparkles. Mikoto and Fugaku were considering sending Sasuke to Konoha Kindergarten. It would be good for him to make friends although his sparkliness would scare other children away. Sasuke was an annoying child and leaving him at home might be even worse.
Ah well, who cares. Let the children perish.
Age: 5 years
Sasuke was an unfortunate displeasure for the people at Konoha Kindergarten. Yes, he was smart, he was quiet, he was cute but unlike everyone else, he sparkled. The carers at KK were annoyed that they couldn't help Sasuke in any way without being blinded by the hipness of his genitals. They were impressed at first that an Uchiha had such strong powers to be able to blind anyone. He would most definitely be a better prodigy than Itachi!
But then they realized that he had a sparkly... penis. Now, they had to report it to the mother.
Age: 6 years
"Itachi! Play with me!" Sasuke cried. Itachi was working on an ANBU report and had no time to play with sparkly children.
"I'll play with you later." Itachi hoped his excuse would work.
Sasuke glared at Itachi."But, Itachi... you promised the day before. And you promised the day before that as well. And before that. You've promised me every single day of the whole entire year!"
"No I didn't." Itachi lied, "Those are just your dreams."
"Really?" Sasuke asked naively.
"Yeah." Itachi replied.
Sasuke smiled at Itachi and said, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Ha ha. What a stupid child. Itachi had been using the same lies for the whole entire year.
Age: 7 years
Itachi brushed his hand through his hair as a zephyr passed through the quiet village. His sword was dripping with blood and he was standing in front of Sasuke.
"Why did you kill everyone?" Sasuke asked.
"To test myself." Itachi replied evilly.
"Why didn't you kill me? I don't want to be the second last Uchiha left."
"Because..." Itachi closed his eyes to activate Mangekyou Sharingan.
However, when he closed his eyes, he saw light. And lots of it. Coming from Sasuke's genitals. And for once, he was scared.
Sasuke was left crying because Itachi had ran away from his sparkliness.
Age: 8 years
Sasuke was practicing. He had to defeat Itachi. Defeat that traitor. The baggy person that had ran away like a coward when he slaughtered his own clan. He needed to be an ANBU captain now... so that meant he had to ...
And Sasuke realized that he wouldn't catch up to Itachi anytime soon.
Age: 9 years
I am cool. I am confident. I am wonderful. Sasuke reminded himself of his wonderfulness and that he would soon defeat Itachi. He had learned many, many, many techniques from forbidden books. (No, not those type of books). No one would suspect that the sparkly Sasuke would do anything bad.
He was not the next Orochimaru. (3)
Age: 10 years
He was enrolled in Konoha Academy. It was stupid. He was better than all of them. All of them! He could defeat them all. And then he could go after Itachi like he had wanted to for the last few years but ... he was stopped by the old hokage geezer.
It was bad enough that the other males stared at his genitals and the females coo-ed about it like they were birds.
He hated it here.
Age: 11 years
Sasuke was pleased. For once. He was going to graduate from Konoha Academy in one more week.
But. One major incident had occurred some days before that had got him into trouble.
Big room.
Half cubicles.
Steam and water.
Showers.
And sparkliful sparkliness.
No one could take a shower at all.
Every direction was blinding.
Every angle was blinding.
Every minute particle in the room was blinded.
And they ended up being all stinky, except Sasuke, of course.
Age: 12 years
Sasuke was now part of 'Team 7' with Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno. Kakashi Hatake was the team leader. Sasuke found the team rather gay, and really gay.
Naruto was a pervert that loved to watch Sakura... do things.
And Sakura was a pervert that loved to watch him... do things.
Luckily, he had the power of the Princess Sparkles.
Sasuke had some time after the Chunnin exams, met Itachi.
Had he defeated Itachi?
No. He had not.
Age: 13 years
Sasuke had decided to join Orochimaru. He had promised him power beyond all belief. He would finally defeat Itachi. That was great.
Except... for the fact that Orochimaru's helpers – the Sound Four – had decided to put him into some dark box because they couldn't stand the blinding light. It was a cruel insult. How dare they stick him in some ... box.
And what was worse, was when he suddenly had lipstick and makeup everywhere on him. He even had massive hands protrude from his body. He already had enough hands... to do things...
He really didn't want to look like Orochimaru.
Age: 14 years
"No. Not like that. Like this!" Orochimaru would screech with his ugly voice and then he would demonstrate.
Sasuke was getting very pissed. Orochimaru was teaching him tricks. All those lame ones, like how to make someone have diarrhea during a fight. How was that ever going to work on Itachi?
And Orochimaru had asked if he could chop off his Princess Sparkles because it was just that sparkly.
Orochimaru was just jealous. Hmph!
Age: 15 years
He had trained. And he was strong.
Unfortunately, those wannabe ninja's by the name of Naruto and Sakura and some other replacement for him tried to 'rescue him from the darkness'. It was pathetic, really.
Sakura had looked up towards him like he was the epitome of all things perfect, wonderful and great.
He already knew that. He had defeated the new Team 7 like they were nothing.
And he could move forward, towards Itachi.
Hand in hand (?) with his Princess Sparkles.
The End
(1) I used the word hip because I was thinking of Maito Gai (Might Guy).
(2) She is not a pedophile. She just wants to confirm what gender he is.
(3) Sasuke knows who Orochimaru is because he read it somewhere in a book.
Sparkly, sparkliness, sparkliful are not real words.
I'm sorry that I didn't actually 'finish' the story. And that I left an open ending.
I have read the manga. And the point of the story is about Sasuke and his 'Princess Sparkles'.
Btw, in case you want to know, the term 'Princess Sparkles' was created by BlackRosia. Anyway, Happy Birthday to her!
And thanks for reading : )
Please review? It'd be much appreciated.