Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Alternative Script
AUTHOR: Rozalia Claennis
RATING: PG 13
SPOILERS: Absolutely
SUMMARY: In the sequel, we find scary Sephiroth clones that return with girlyness nobody can compare to, Cloud becomes unbelievably Squall-like, Tifa's boobs fluctuate, Red XIII is actually Mufasa, Barret wears fish-net, and everybody loses any sense of sensibility (if it ever existed in the first place).
DISCLAIMER: All rights and privileges to Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children and other related games are trademarks and property of Square-Enix and associated parties. The author claims no legal responsibility for problems associated with using this work. The original work is solely written by Rozalia Claennis.
NOTE: FFVII: AC was 100 minutes long, which means it was long. I ended up watching certain scenes over and over again, rewinding and forwarding like a madwoman just to remember where the heck I was. First of all, this IS a parody script, meaning there WILL be an extreme amount of butchering of everything: from OOC characters to the bashing of a non-existing plot to impossible cameo's and ridiculously crazy lines. Please watch the movie first before reading this. It wouldn't make sense anyways if you read the alternative script and then watched the movie. Unless, you really want to…
Onwards, readers!
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PART I: WELCOME TO DOLPHIE CITY... POPULATION: MANY... ELEVATION: POSSIBLE
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A VERY STAR WARS-LIKE INTRODUCTION
Please tune into Star Wars Theme Song; available in the nearest ITUNE download place in your neighborhood.
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(SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY, there was an overly-unenthusiastic, very emo and metro-sexual guy named Cloud. While traveling across the Continent, he met up with other emo people, busty females, talking animals, and men who cussed like sailors. He decided to form a band with these talented individuals. Their name became "Cloud and the Emo-Wannabe's." They have been touring the world, performing emo music and kicking disturbingly ugly and fat monsters' asses. This is their story.)
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COSMO CANYON – TAKEN DIRECTLY FROM THE SET OF LION KING
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(CG camera zooms into Red XII in his whole headdress shebang pounces out into view with his …cubs)
Red XIII: -Tribal yell- NAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH…CHIIIIIIIINGA-NG-YAAAAAAAAA…BAAAAH-BAAAAH-NIIIIIIIII-CHI-HUA-HUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Cubs: -Pants- Daddy? …our paws are getting tired…-pant- Are we at Disneyland yet?
Red XIII: No; suck it up, Simba.
(Mufasa-err-Nanaki/Red XIII stops at the cliff and lets out a very Lion King-esque RAWR.)
Red XIII: Look, my Lion King-influenced children…it's Africa, my homeland.
Cubs: I thought we were going to Disneyland.
Red XIII: ………
(Seagulls dramatically pass over their heads in a dramatic musical fashion and suddenly things go white…black…grey…)
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498 YEARS AGO IN ONE HECK OF A STEAMY VOLCANO PIT
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Audience: Baaackkk toooo theee passsssttt… -Dum dum dum DUM!-
Elena: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tseng: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Reno: I hate my job. -Jams helicopter stick-
Elena: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tseng: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Rude: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…wait, I'm not in this scene…oh well-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Reno: I hate my job. -Jams helicopter stick more-
(Shinra's snarky helicopter enters into the foggy mess of a volcano and flies out. Machine guns are on a joy ride and a lot of screaming and yelling is heard through the speakers.)
Fangirls/boys: -Sob- Where's our beloved CLOUD?
Audience: The...people in the crowd bounce up and down...up and down...up and down... The people in the crowd bounce up and down...and we will catch our Z's----
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THE LIFESTREAM…WAVY BLUE HAIR with SPARKLES
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(Mystical/religious chanting in the background)
Audience: …Are we still 498 years back in time!
(Marlene's canon Japanese-"I'm a cute little girl" voice rings out like a sore thumb.)
Marlene: It's story time everybody!
Audience: -Moans in pain-
(Scenic history goes by.)
Marlene: Once upon a time, there was the Lifestream.
(Lifestream zips by.)
Marlene: There was also Shinra Electric Co, the monopoly behind EVERYTHING. I mean, literally, EVERYTHING.
(A very long CG focus on Shinra headquarters.)
Marlene: They had a mafia called the TURKS and soldiers called SOLDIER to protect their very "suspicious work." They got injected with funny green stuff called MAKO. We use it as our electricity!
(Sephiroth appears in his flamin' metro-sexual-bulging-chest-longest-hair-ever glory.)
Marlene: He was VERY POWERFUL and VERY VERY STRONG but he was also VERY VERY VERY ANGRY…
Fangirls/boys: SO HOT… -Attempts a Brad-Pitt-Swoon-
Audience: Yeah, like totally, look at those hellish flames behind him… Whoo…
Marlene: He was an extreme silver-haired EMO-weirdo. He HATED the WORLD. LITERALLY.
(Really strange flashbacks to some random fighters in mid-action fighting against Sephiroth)
Marlene: There were people against Shinra. As you all know, they were called Cloud and the Emo-Wannabe's.
(CG of Aeris dying.)
Marlene: -Laments- Death, sadness, corruption, oh my! And it's still going on…
(A very destroyed city appears)
Marlene: Maybe, I should shut up and let the movie-with-too-much-stop-motion advance with its non-existence plot!
Audience: Huh… I dunno…MAYBE YOU SHOULD! -Grumble grumble-
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ENTERING ZIP CODE AREA 09ZY852412144
CITY: DOLPHIE-CITY AKA MIDGAR
STATUS: DEPRESSINGLY DEPRESSING
WEATHER: FOREVER SMOGGY AND FOGGY
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(CG camera zips across really murky slums and very grey-looking, clone-ish people, due to Sephiroth's extreme HATRED for EVERYTHING.)
Marlene: You have Geostigma Syndrome, Dolphie-boy!
Denzel: My name's DENZEL.
Marlene: Yes of course…and I'm your equally Dolphie-lookin' twin sister.
Audience: …What in the frickin' wide universe of Dolphie-induced people is Geostigma?
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7TH HEAVEN BAR
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Phone: Da-doo-doo-doo-dee-doooo
Tifa: BLOODY HELL, THE TELEPHONE'S ALIVE!
Audience: BLOODY HELL! TIFA'S BOOBS SHRUNK!
Phone: Da-doo-doo-doo-dee-doooo
Tifa: Stop bothering me; it takes a lot of concentration to wash dishes, you know.
Phone: Da-doo-doo-doo-dee-doooo
Tifa: Actually…I sort of look like Rinoa but with bigger boobs…
Phone: DA-DOO-DOO-DOO-DEE-DOOOO
Tifa: …Or maybe not…
(Tifa heads up the stairs and for some unknown reason, Square-enix decides to make her girls look bigger. Marlene and Denzel stand by with a wide "deer-in-the-headlights" look, which would stay on their faces for the rest of the movie.)
Marlene: Boobs-I mean Tifa…can you tell Dolphie-boy about Geostigma? He apparently doesn't know what it is even though he has this humongous BLOB of it on his forehead. The only problem is that it's TOTALLY covered by his very Dolphie-like hair.
Audience: Yeah, can ya?
Denzel: It's DENZEL.
Marlene: Sure, Dolphie.
Denzel: IT'S DENZEL!
Tifa: I'm trying to REACH the phone HERE! So if you two would ever so KINDLY SHUT UP that would be GRRRRRRR-EAT!
Phone: DA-DOO-DOO-DOO-DEE-DOOOO
Tifa: -Cough- There's something called a VOICEMAIL, YOU KNOW!
Phone: Voicemail? Never heard of that word before! Time to add another special word to my ever-expanding vocabulary!
(Tifa unenthusiastically picks up the phone ever so slowly. And the mysteries of Tifa's girls continue to prevail…)
Tifa: Hi, this is Papa Murphy's, how may I help you?
(Static-Zztszzztszzzzz)
Tifa: Today's special includes a triple pizza special where you can order three pizzas with any three toppings-oh…it's you…
(Static-Zzztszzzzstzzz)
Tifa: No, I didn't expect you at all. I was waiting for my dreamy emo-lover-boy to call me.
(Static-Zzzztszzzstszzz)
Tifa: Hmph, I will only pass on the message to him if you buy a pizza.
(Static-Zzzzztszzzztzzz)
Tifa: Hmm…what? I didn't hear you…
(Static- Zzzztszzzstszzz)
Tifa: -Cackles- I always knew you had a fetish for pizza. Send me a check. Laterz.
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DESERT-LOOKING PLACE – home of Aladdin
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(Cloud FINALLY appears in his unnaturally metro sexual and emo glory with new gear and everything. He's perched on a motorcycle that is also unnaturally BIG (probably to make up for his loss of masculinity). He checks his phone messages with much due respect to the fact that he never USES his phone. Ever.)
Fangirls/boys: OH MY GOSH! All the hotness…is…suffocating…us… -Orlando-Bloom-Le-drool-
Cloud: Okay GUYS, I know I'm just radiating of emo sexiness and everything but I just HAVE to introduce you to my NEWEST THING EVER. -Points to his MACHO motorcycle- This is…my ever-beloved, SGV64 Version 12.14569071088024e94, also known as "BIG FENRIR." She's packed with the best turtle shells ever, for defensive reasons of course. ANNND she has bazillion slots for the never-ending source of swords I seem to carry…
Audience: Yes…you sword-stealing-fiend.
Cloud: Errr…yeah…but my preeeecccious here can also start off at an AMAZING speed capacity of 90mph and reaching 180 mph before you know it! It also has this great function which could serve me my coffee because we all know how DYSFUNCTIONAL I am in the morning… It also came with these SNAZZY, BUGGY GOGGLES from the 80's that are totally expendable…and well, a helmet too but I thought I was just way too cool for one so I threw it away.
Audience: …You mean it would ruin your ever-imperfectly perfect mop of blonde-ness.
Cloud: That too, AND it could fly in the air without me handling the controls while I do flips and jumps and everything! ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE HELLA WICKED OR WHAT?
Audience: …
Cloud: Anyways…it's time for me to show off this baby of mine. Cha cha.
(Spike zooms off with much difficulty because of Geo-stig-ma. So far, the movie has made no interesting advances except for some really nerve-racking background music and thumping heartbeats. And the audience still has no freakin' clue what the hell is Geostigma.)
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A CLIFF WITH ZACK'S SWORD
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(3 very ninja-turtle-lookin' motorcycles come up…along with three more silver-haired, leather-clad, mako-green-eyed, metro-sexuals who resemble Sephiroth so much, we can't help but be suspicious. The middle dude knocks down some hunky sword and we now know that they're not exactly the "good guys.")
Fangirls/boys: Too…much…hotness… -Faints once again-
Yazoo: Ohhhh…Mother… -Sways weirdly-
Kadaj: We'll come to save you!...hehe…
Yazoo: Ehrmmm…erhemmmmaeirajf…-Continues to sway weirdly-
Kadaj: …I think you took WAY too much of that Tylenol-crap YaZOOOO…hehe…
Loz: MOTHER… -Sobs-
Yazoo: -Sobs-
Loz: -Sobs-
Kadaj: OH MY GOSH…it's like NII-SAN OVER THERE…hehe…
Yazoo: SERIOUSLY!
(Cloud passes by, completely oblivious to anything around him.)
Yazoo: LOZ, stop crying; we gotta go say HI to NII-SAN, who looks nothing like us, by blowing him up with monsters and tanks!
Loz: -Sniff- Okay…
(Long-haired weirdo and short-haired weirdo drive off the cliff and chase after Cloud. First battle scene ensues; maybe if the audience wished hard enough, Jackie Chan and Chris Rice might pop out and pull off some really cheesy kung-fu moves. HYA!)
Cloud: You know, I have this really uncanny feeling that there's something behind me...
(Nasty creatures pop out of the ground and air like daisies. With much ferocity, the undead monsters charge after Spike. They're sort of hard not to miss.)
Cloud: OH HOLY MOTHER COW OF YOSHIKI! THERE ARE THINGS BEHIND ME! AND LIKE –ERR-PEOPLE!
(10 MILLION swords pop out of his motorcycle and he chops those umm…things up with such grace and fluidity while staying perfectly balanced on his transportation vehicle that it's a bit hard to believe.)
Cloud: RAWR…ONE SLICE-KILLS-ALL! -Cackles-
(Loz and YaZOO catches up…it's really a weird battle scene.)
Loz: WHERE'S MOTHER! -Slashes with a really weird pointed mini missile err-weapon thing-
Cloud: Umm…dead?
Loz: WRONG ANSWER, YOU EEJIT! -Pinches Cloud's nose-
Cloud: NOOOO…not the nose, you big-chested unknown cowboy!
Yazoo: -Zooms up from nowhere- And now, I will blast you with my snazzy shotgun version 1.2456768438900191999999 –Blasts matrix-like bullets-
Cloud: MY GAWD, who ARE these crack-heads?
Audience: They appear to be your adversaries. Yeap.
(Fighting continues with hideous monsters and horrifyingly effeminate men. But let's go back to where we last left KaDAJ…)
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KADAJ ON THE PHONE
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Kadaj: And then she was all like: "OH MY GOSH," so then I was all like: "Oh MY GOSH," and then we were all like: "OH MY GOSH" and soon, everybody was so like: "OH MY GOSHING," you know.
Kadaj: Oh yeah, and when I come back, you better have my spa-bath ready for me, with strawberry-scented bubbles… 'Cause I badly need it…
Kadaj: And it'd be real nice if you could like get me that "Rezev Rose Moisturizing Milk Crème" stuff for me…I'm afraid I'm getting wrinkles on my perfectly, well-formed-oh damn, he hanged up on me.
Audience: …Ah HA! So he IS A DITZ!
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BACK TO BATTLE-SCENE
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(Monsters are flying. Bullets are flying. Motorcycles are flying. Cloud's flying. Cloud's sword is flying. Flying appears to be a really big motif in the movie.)
Loz: -Whacks Cloud's BUSTER sword 100 miles away with missle-gun thing-
Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…ELAINE…MY PREEECIOUSSSSS…
Loz: Umm…yeah…
(YaZOO charges head-on into Cloud…and blasts his stupid buggy goggles off his inflated head. Spike gets a tiny little cut right above his left eyebrow...it must hurt like a slap on the wrist.)
Cloud: Awww…my beautiful face…-sniff- How DARE you!
(Monsters are continuing to pop out of the dust like daisies…For some odd reason, Cloud doesn't use another of his 10 billion swords stashed away in his motorcycle. Perhaps, he just doesn't want to spare another one of his "precious.")
Yazoo: I will 'hn' with the repetitive music! HN!
Loz: And I will totally match with my 'hehes'! HEHE!
(The disturbing-lookin' monsters are increasingly multiplying in numbers like cancer and are ready to pounce on Spike, who just refuses to use another of his swords but then…)
Kadaj: Hold on guys, we can't kill him yet 'cause like he's TEH hero…hehe…
(The fishy people drive away, cackling like the Wicked Witch of the East/West… The similarity between them is just so uncanny and…why haven't we noticed before?)
Cloud: I AM SO NOT DOROTHY-DAMN YOU!
Audience: ...We know...
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ON THE WAY TO ZEE HEALIN' LODGE
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Barret's Voice: OOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL FIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEELDDD…in other words, I get to degrade the environment even more!
Tifa's Voice: I know what you did last summer…I mean-Reno wants you to hurry up. And I don't mean the place-Reno. I'm talking about 'red-haired-ugliest-mullet-I've-ever-seen' Reno.
Cloud: …Just spankin' swell.
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ZEE HEALIN' LODGE
Sounds a lot cooler than just plain ole HEALING LODGE, doesn't it
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Cloud: Now, Big Fenrir…don't leave without your daddy, okay? -Smooch-
Audience: Oh. My. Goodness. The man's in love with an inanimate object!
(He ascends the stairs ever so quickly…)
Reno: RAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…
Cloud: My gosh, you wear eye shadow on top of your eyes not underneath them, you poor, confused boy!
Reno: EXCUSE ME, this is FACE PAINT. I'm not a GIRLY MAN like YOU…
Cloud: …Hate you…so much…
(Reno gets locked outside, leading to a reputation as a 'stupid-relief.' Rude enters, looking very much like a hit man and from the cast of the Matrix Reloaded combined with Men in Black.)
Reno: YOU LOOK SO EVER-MASCULINE, RUDE!
Rude: Especially compared to girly men like you, Reno.
Reno: …I hate you so much...
Rude: I love you too, Reno sweetie-buns.
Cloud: O.O
(A mysterious and suspicious man covered head to toe in a grayish white cloth rolls out in a wheelchair. Suspenseful-freaky music proceeds and is that…the Emperor from Star Wars? Except in white?)
Audience: Oh my gawd…what movie is this!
Rufus: The wheels in the chair go round and round...round and round...round and RO-und...The wheels in the-
Cloud: WHOA RUFUS! IS THAT YOU! YOU TOTALLY LOOK LIKE TEH SITH LORD!
Rufus: -Cough-
Rude: -Cough-
Audience: -Cough-
Rufus: Right…to be straight to the point, I have Geostigma too and I want you, who is also infected with geostigma to be my bodyguard. Will you do it?
Audience: THAT GEO-STIG-MA thing again! What the hell is it? Oh my god…
Cloud: I thought HE was your bodyguard -points to Rude-
Rufus: Well, he is but I need another one that can share the physical and emotional pain with me. So will ya?
Cloud: No way, Jose. -Poses all sad and beautiful-
Rufus: Umm.. I'm TEH Sith-I mean, Rufus.
Rude: ...ARRRGHH…Must pull hair out! Wait…I don't have any… Damn.
Rufus: Well to save Rude from pulling out any further nonexistant hair, let me tell you something kind of important: Shinra has to take the responsibility of rebuilding the world, which hella like sucks.
Cloud: Why?
Rufus: Because we practically POWNZERS the world, you dumba-I mean, my ever dimwitted-yet-powerful Jedi-err…Ex-Soldier.
Audience: WRONG MOVIE, DAMN IT!
Cloud: Are you trying to steal Vincent's role here?
Rufus: Huh?
Audience: What?
Rufus: Yeah, so I sent my ever-so-loyal Mafia to hunt down Sephiroth's remains and everything. And guess what was there?
Cloud: Chicken Butt.
Rufus: Ding-ding-ding! That's RIGHT! Now, you get to win a trip for 4 to Costa del Sol and bathe under the beautiful, radiating sun.
Cloud: I DO? OH MY GOSH, I TOTALLY LOVE YOU RUFUS!
Rufus: Um, I was joking.
Cloud: Oh…-sniff- So like, what WAS there, you pussy-cat?
Rufus: -Glares from under the white/grey cloth thing- …There were people that kept on like interfering with our work!
Cloud: You mean those ever-suspicious silver-haired girly men!
Rufus: YES! The "absolutely young, beautiful and stupid" Sephiroth minions.
Cloud: FEH-REEEAKY.
Rufus: And because they're like dangerous, we need a STRONG, MASCULINE GUY LIKE YOU!
Audience: -Sputters- HIM! MASCULINE! -Breaks into tears-
Cloud: But I'm just a poor delivery boy…in a super-charged motorcycle and with 10 bazillion swords and everything. Yeah, just a little delivery boy… -Hums-
Rufus: I totally don't buy that.
Cloud: Well…I'm leaving and I'm bringing my shimmery emo-ish beauty with me.
Rufus: But don't you want to know about …MOTHER…?
Cloud: …
Audience: Psst…Jenova…
Cloud: Oh yeah, that crazy-non-living source of a thing.
Rufus: Not only that, you should help us reconstruct the world! Making it into a BETTER place for ALL… Into a Utopia you know. Like Marx and those crazy Bolsheviks?
Cloud: Ba-lo-ney. It's all baloney.
Reno: -Barges in with no sense of timing ever- This is just the time for me to blow up my boss' chances for anything good and proper! -Spills the beans-
Cloud: I just KNEW you had some ALTERIOR motives under that lame façade of yours… -Saunters away-
Rufus: Well, gee, that sure didn't end well did it?
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SECTOR 5: ZEE BROKEN-DOWN CHURCH
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(Aeris' Theme Song? Tifa's Theme Song? Somebody's Theme Song?)
Tifa: Sheesh, every time I put a lock on the doors, some bimbo comes by and steals it!
Marlene: GERAAAAAAAAAAAAMINOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tifa: This place is in some serious need for remodeling…
Audience: No sh-t, Sherlock!
Marlene: -Le gasp- Signs of life, Tifa!
Audience: -Gasp- THEY LIVE!
(A big metal box, another box, a lamp, sleeping bag, and water jugs appear. These are the only things throughout the whole movie that signifies that these people actually are "people." A very white thin strip of cloth is contaminated by Geostigma, which the audience still doesn't know what kind of made-up disease it is…which must lead to the fact that…)
Marlene: Cloud's sick!
Audience: Must…repress…urge…to bang head…on…wall…
(Tifa goes off on a really out-of-the-loop psychological analysis on Cloud while Marlene continues to butt in with ridiculously obvious questions. At the same time, Tifa's girls are going through some seriously strange body changes… It's a very complicated matter.)
Tifa: Okay, Marlene, I'm done with my really lame psychological talk. Let's go home.
Marlene: NEVERRRRRRR… I WANNA SEE CLOUD!
Tifa: Um...who?
Marlene: CLOUD, you know, your beloved dreamy-emotard-CLOUD!
Tifa: Oh...him...Haha...I remember him... Back in the day...we used to-
Marlene: -Cuts in- Yeah, we should go give him a visit because the last time we seen him was just 2 days ago.
Tifa: Sure why not? I mean then we can tell him how much of an emo loser he is!
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BACK TO ZEE MAGNIFICANT HEALIN' LODGE
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(Rude and Reno gets their asses kicked. Badly. It seems as if KaDAJ is back in his err-blazin' and glamorized feminine glory.)
Kadaj: WHERE'S MOTHER, you-you-you-hoarder-of-all-things-white!
Rufus: Gee, straight to chase, you SHEIK.
Kadaj: Hmph. Tell me something interesting, you money-grubbing, good-for-nothing emperor.
Rufus: Okay, well, it seems that my Mafia people dropped it when you were shooting at them incidentally. Yeah, that's about it.
Kadaj: That's not interesting so I will punish you with my backside beauty, clothed in a leather suit that looks similarly like some scuba-wear but much more fashionable. -Twirls-
Rufus: …
Kadaj: -Sobs- You seeee, the INUMERABLE BODY OF THOUGHTS, need MOTHER! -Dramatically describes everything-
Audience: Who ARE the inumerable body of thoughts?
Rufus: What a pathetic drama queen…
Kadaj: And we need her for the REUNION!
Rufus: And what a dysfunctional family…
Kadaj: Haha, you amuse me so…
Rufus: You guys are so living off crack.
Audience: Everybody in the whole friggin' movie is…
Rufus: And I really don't buy any of the crap you're giving me.
Kadaj: Well then, I guess I just have to resort to use my really GAY charms on you.
(Effects of Geostigma: Includes really eye-burning and ear-screeching scenes of cells. Precautions: Sephiroth and Kadaj might be sharing genes and you may go undergo serious discomfort. It will only last for a very short while, around 1-3 minutes but at the end, it might escalate into excruciating pain, depending on your health status. Your eyes may dilate and do some very inhuman things and you will start shaking uncontrollably wherever the geostigma has taken hostage over. For more information, please visit your doctor in the nearest hospital.)
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BACK TO ZEE CLIFF
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Cloud: Hi Zack. Things ain't looking too great down here. -Looks at big sword-
Zack: Dude, you're really losing it… I'm dead and I'm not in the sword.
Audience: What an under-statement…
Cloud: Yeah, I just can't help being emo and copying everything you had once done on the living planet.
Audience: Nah, really!
Cloud: I also have Geostigma and that makes everything so much dandier.
Audience: Will somebody in this plot-less movie tell us what THE HECK is GEOSTIGMA?
(Effects of Geostigma: See above.)
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BACK TO THE CHURCH
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(Tifa stands around looking bored, Marlene hums really off tune, and maybe SOMEBODY should really get a lock on those doors…)
Marlene: THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIVEEEEE WITH THE SOUND OF MOOOOOO—ZICKKKKKK
Tifa: -Winces-
Loz: I must make my entrance as chunky-sounding and absolutely noticeable.
Tifa: Oh gosh, more freaky people. Just spiffy.
(Loz continues to walk really LOUDLY with his really TIGHT-leather suit and wimpy sideburns. And is that more of that fishy pink eye shadow that we've seen on Cloud and KaDAJ and now is on him?)
Loz: Let's play! -Thrusts out chest-
Tifa: Umm, you're so not Barney.
Loz: Barney? Me? How dare you insult my charming face?
Tifa: -Gags-
Loz: Righty-o. Let's fight then.
Tifa: Yeah, because this will be only scene in which the audience will ever see me fight.
(Tifa slaps on her well-fitted leather gloves and charges at Loz. Rather pretty fighting piano music is turned on and stop-motion is applied almost every 10 seconds. There is lots of grunting, 'hn-ing,' 'he-yahing', 'hah-ing,' and crashing. Tifa flies, jumps, and runs at remarkable speed and throws punches like no other, even though her arms don't seem really muscle-y. It's the epitome of a very Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragqueen type of fight. Without swords.)
Audience: Too much spinning…throwing…stop-and-go…argh…our heads.
(Tifa successfully throws a BIG-CHESTED Loz from 50 ft in the air into the dusty ground. We will always wonder how she managed that…)
Marlene: YOU'RE MY NEW HERO, TIFA!
Tifa: Thank you, thank you…Wait a second…NEW!
(The FFVII "You-have-just-completed-the-battle" music rings soundly. Apparently, it is Loz's dorky cell phone ring tone. Marlene takes this time to come out of her hide-out and…)
Tifa: Marlene, I think your hand missed…my back... -Twitch-
Marlene: Hahaha…whoops?
Audience: Square-enix? A CG glitch/mistake? -Le gasp-
(Loz pops out of the ground with no sign of injury or anything that would tell us he was just fighting a second ago.)
Loz: -Flips phone open with a very fruity flourish- The Minion's Trio Kidnapping Service, how may I help you?
(Person on other line talks)
Loz: Oh...does it really give away what we're doing?
(Person on other line talks)
Loz: That just never occurred to me. Well, okay, nice chattin with yah. Toodles. -Hangs up-
Tifa: So are we going to keep fighting or what?
Loz: Eh? Why not. The more fight scenes the better!
(This time, Loz cheats with some Matrix-y teleporting and kicks Tifa's ass. Luckily for her, he throws her into the whole meadow of daffodils. Though he punctured her stomach and Tifa's moaning in excruciating pain, no wounds seem to be present. It obviously happens a lot.)
Loz: Now, it's time to show everybody that... -Picks up Tifa's front of the shirt-
Audience: OH MY GAWD! TIFA'S BOOBS ARE GONE! THEY'RE DETACHABLE!
Loz: Whoa…her girls are like…are they fake?
Audience: -LE GASP- TIFA…YOUR BOOBS!
Tifa: -Sobs- My reputation…
Marlene: This is the perfect time for me to throw this Easter-egg-looking-thing at the scary guy and save Tifa's rep! -The egg-thing clunks Loz right in the head-
Marlene: BULLS-EYE!
Audience: ...
Loz: My, my, my, what do we have here…
Audience: My goodness, Tifa…your nipples are so showing…through…very aparrently...
(Loz starts heading off over to Marlene. Marlene appears to be very intimidated by his VERY BIG male-chest.)
Marlene: Must…call…for…
Tifa: DELIVERY SERVICE!
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RAPID SCENE CHANGE TO DENZEL WHO IS IN DOLPHIE-CITY
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Denzel: O.O My eyes…are…forever…stuck…like…this.
Random girl with Moogle Plushie: Hi, you have Geostigma too, don't you?
Denzel: What? But I thought I covered it so well with my hair!
Random girl with Moogle Plushie: Um, no you don't. So come on, allow me to indirectly let you get kidnapped! -Drags Dolphie boy away-
(Denzel and random girl arrive at this moldy-lookin' truck like everything else in the whole movie. Other kids are getting on this completely unsuspicious vehicle.)
Denzel: Since there needs to be some progression in this movie, I will just jump into this truck and cross my fingers that nothing worse will happen to me!
Yazoo: MWAHHAHAHAHA…My plan as the sinister children kidnapper is going exactly the way we want it to be! -Does a KaDAJ smirk-
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TRANSITION BACK TO ZEE CHURCH
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(Cloud's feet…are majestically walking…walking…walking… His hands are regally swaying…swaying…swaying… His head is depressingly bobbing…bobbing…bobbing. Light is shining through the cracks and casting a very shiny glow on everything. The audience gets a nice close-up on Cloud.)
AUDIENCE: WHAT THE HELL...Cloud has reapplied that fishy red eye shadow!
Cloud: WHAT IN THE NAME OF MY WANNABEMO-NATURE HAPPENED HERE? -Runs into field of flowers that are still thriving-
(Spike with now, a new layer of eye-shadow, picks up Tifa and whispers her name real loudly with a nicely attempted American accent.)
Cloud: TIFA!
Tifa: Mmmmrrr…
Cloud: TIFA!
Tifa: Mmmmrrrr…is that you, my dreamy emo-lover boy?
Cloud: Umm, yeah!
Tifa: You're late…have you been messing with my make-up kit again?
Cloud: Ehehehe…
(Tifa suddenly realizes that Marlene has been –gasp- KIDNAPPED and faints. Cloud realizes that his giant chest of Easter-eggs is gone and oh shoot, Geostigma is really taking a big toll this time.)
Cloud: OUCH! BLACK SESAME SAUCE IS OOZING OUT OF MY HAND AND ARM! AND IT IS NASTY!
Audience: Oh so that's what it does… but what…?
(Effects of Geostigma: In addition: sometimes it may hurt more than usual and you will find a strange substance that is very dark seeping out of your skin. No worries, it is just your body reacting to the disease; perfectly 'o-kay.' For more facts, see twice above. And before we resume back to the movie...)
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DASANI WATER INFOMERCIAL BREAK
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(Water, refreshingly tasteful…an essential source for survival…a clear liquid combined with one hydrogen atom and two oxygen atoms…)
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WHITE SCREEN FLASHING WITH FLOWER FIELD
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(Cloud has joined Tifa in a comatose stage in the lovely flower fields…in one of the most well-organized position ever…)
Cloud/Tifa fans: AWWWW…HOW CUTE!
Cloud/Aeris fans: GRRRRR…NO WAY IN HELL…
Cloud/Tifa fans: SUCK IT UP, YOU NOOBS; AERIS IS DEAD.
Cloud/Aeris fans: -Muscle spasm-
(There is a brutal cat fight among Cloud/Tifa and Cloud/Aeris fans in the audience.)
Audience: -Whistles-
BACK TO 7TH HEAVEN (CLOUD'S FACE)
Fangirls/boys: Oh, his eyelashes…-Giggle-
Audience: Ohhh…save us…somebody!
Cloud: Mmmrrr…-wakes up- Oh no, my eye shadow! It's all gone!
(There is an indiscreet sound of head banging in the audience.)
Cloud: Oh wait…I still have a little bit and some of my mascara. Whew.
(He gets up and observes Tifa just like Squally-poo would look at Rinoa. And Reno and Rude appear out of nowhere because they are the SKILLED Mafia people they are.)
Reno: My favorite wussy ass-hat!…Just the person I want to see!
Cloud: -Gasp- REALLY?
Reno: Umm no.
Cloud: -Cries- No one loves me…
Fangirls/boys: BUT WE DOOOOO! -Holds up signs, flowers, balloons, candy, big sword-imitations, Sephiroth/Cloud plushies-
Audience: -On the verge of extreme gagging-
Reno: Too bad, suck it up.
Rude: -Cough- To get back on TOPIC, the kids are gone.
Reno: And your house is empty. Err, well except for the four of us.
Audience: Well, gee Captain Obvious, thanks for the observation.
Cloud: Since I don't know what to do when Tifa's not awake and half of my eye shadow is missing, I'll just look all dejected and mope.
Reno: Man, what a big whiny loser.
Audience: WE ABSOLUTELY AGREE.
(The Turks leave the room, out of pure annoyance and loss of patience for Cloud's pathetic behavior.)
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FORGOTTEN CAPITAL: AJITO, THE GIANT SEASHELL
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(While waiting for YaZOO, their sinister kidnapping BROTHER to arrive, Loz (who himself obviously kidnapped Marlene) introduces the Easter-eggs to KaDAJ.)
Loz: WE ARE THE THREE KIDNAPPERS OF MIDGAR OUR HOUSE WAS MADE OUT OF MATERIA AND-
Kadaj: SHUT UP-DAMN YOU!
Loz: -Cries- Nobody likes my singing...
Kadaj: And not many people like you either...
Loz: But I have -suspenseful gap of silence- MA-TE-RI-A...
Kadaj: O! M! G! PAR-TAY TIME!
Loz: Serious?
Kadaj: I'm kidding…really, Loz…can't you see? My hair is in no condition to be partying…it's all limp and oily. I hadn't bathed in my sparkly strawberry-scented bubble bath for ages!
Loz: Urgh.
Kadaj: But I WILL grab a random materia and stick it into my arm because any of them would make us SOO powerful.
Loz: Righty-o, captain! -Salutes-
Kadaj: Now, all we have to do is sit back and smile very sadistically and scary-looking.
Loz: Yes, sirree Bob.
(Kadaj indeed grins very "sadistically and scarily" at his arm and the scene fades away into blackness, which it rather does a lot of the time.)
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END OF PART I
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Comments? Flames? Confused? Questions? Anything? Please drop a note for me and tell me if this is just ridiculously stupid or not even remotely funny. Thanks. I'll be back with Part II ASAP.
COMING UP IN PART II: Aeris steals Elaine's hair, Cloud and Vincent engage in a "Who's More Tragically Emo and Beautiful" Contest, Mufasa-err Nanaki/Red XIII keeps stealing Babu's lines, Cloud attempts to sing "I Believe I Can Fly," and Barret needs to cut down on the steroids…