Sometimes it takes a good-bye to remind you of all that you had.

Just Look At The Stars

I stood outside his house, slightly shivering. It wasn't cold outside – during early September Tulsa's pretty warm, even at night – but I tend to shiver when I get nervous. And I was definitely nervous.

I didn't want to do what I was about to do. But for once, I was going to push back my cowardly feelings and do what was needed.

I've been a coward too many times in my life.

But now – now was the time for new beginnings, I was sure. I was starting college in a week, and I was leaving for New York tomorrow. I would finally be getting away from Tulsa and all the things that went with it. When I went to New York, I didn't want to be the same petty Cherry that I had been in Tulsa.

So I had spent the last week saying good-byes and making amends. For the most part it hadn't been too hard, nothing more than a hug or a smile. Telling Marcia good-bye had been the worst, though. We had sat in her house for a good hour, holding each other and laughing and crying as we remembered good times and dealt with the reality that those times were coming to an end. I was pretty sure that Marcia was my only real friend in Tulsa. The rest were convenience friends and acquaintances.

But even as I said my farewells, I had that gnawing feeling in the back of my head. Something telling me that there was something I still needed to do, something I still needed to say. I had tried my hardest to ignore it – like I said, I can be a big coward sometimes – but in the end, I knew that I couldn't. I knew that I couldn't travel so far away from Tulsa without saying that last good-bye.

That's why I was standing outside Ponyboy Curtis' house, debating with myself over whether or not I should knock or turn back. I could hear the television on inside, and occasionally a yell would come out of the house, so I knew he was probably home. I didn't have any excuse to turn back now. Besides, it wouldn't be so hard. I would walk in, tell him that I was leaving, and then walk out. Easy.

Yeah, right.

Somehow a bit of courage spurred up inside of me and I raised my hand and knocked quickly on the door.

There was no response, and I thought that maybe I should knock again. Just as I raised my hand once more, the door opened, and I found myself face-to-face with Darrel Curtis.

He looked at me and waited. I was sure that he recognized me, but he didn't seem at all surprised to see me standing on his front porch. In fact, he didn't seem much of anything at all. His face was impassive.

"Is – Is Ponyboy home?" I managed to ask him.

"He's here," Came the deep reply. "Come on in. I'll go get him." He moved out of the way and I stepped tentatively into his house.

Sprawled across the living room were three other guys. I remembered all of them. Sodapop, Ponyboy's dreamy older brother. Steve Randal, his friend who worked at the DX with Soda. And Two-Bit, the joking one who'd gotten along well with Marcia that night at the movies. All three of them looked up when I stepped in, and similar expressions of surprise crossed their faces.

"Well if it ain't Cherry Valance!" Two-Bit crowed once he got over the surprise. "What the hell're you doin 'round here?" He exclaimed good-naturedly. Then he grinned. "I'll bet you came over to ask me out on a date, didn't ya?"

I smiled a little, in spite of myself. Two-Bit just had that quality about him that could make anyone want to smile.

"Aw, leave 'er alone, Two-Bit," Soda said. He smiled warmly at me, and I couldn't help but stare at him for a moment. He was awfully good-looking. "I'll bet she came to see Ponyboy, not you."

"That so? Your loss, Cherry!" Two-Bit responded cheerfully. Steve mumbled something in reply that sounded a whole lot like, "More like your loss." Two-Bit cuffed him on the head, and the next thing I knew the two of them were wrestling each other on the floor while Soda laughed and turned up the volume on the TV.

"Cherry?" A voice asked from across the room. I stopped laughing and turned and saw Ponyboy Curtis striding over. He stopped in front of me, looking a little incredulous.

All of a sudden all my anxieties returned and I felt like running out of the house rather than facing him. But I couldn't.

"Hey Ponyboy," I said quietly.

There was silence for a moment, and then he asked me carefully, "Cherry, what are you doing here?"

I took a deep breath. What was I doing here? "I…I wanted to talk to you."

He looked at me, and I felt like those gray-green eyes were looking right through me. Suddenly I noticed how quiet the room was. Ponyboy must have noticed too, because at the exact same moment we both turned to look at the other three boys in the room. Steve and Two-Bit had stopped wrestling, Soda had turned the volume all the way down on the television, and all three of them were watching us raptly.

I smiled a little, and Pony shook his head but couldn't hide his smile. "Let's take a walk," he said. As we approached the door, he shot his friends a dirty look. All three of them were innocently pretending to watch the TV, and the volume on it had increased as if by magic.

We started walking along the sidewalk, and I breathed in the air, glad to be outside. We walked in silence for a little while, but it was a weighty silence. As we walked, I sneaked glances at him. I still saw him sometimes in the hallways at school, but not very often and always from far away. Up close, he looked a lot different than he had almost two years ago. He was taller, more muscular and actually had gotten very handsome.

He looked up at me while I was glancing at him, and our eyes met briefly. I couldn't look at him for long, though. Ponyboy had the kind of eyes that made you want to tell him everything.

"You're taller," I remarked, as much to fill the silence as to take away the embarrassment of being caught staring at him.

"Yeah, everyone says that. I'm as tall as Soda now," He said. His voice had gotten deeper too.

"And as handsome," I told him with a smile. He didn't say anything back, but his ears turned red.

"You look nice too," He said.

"Thanks."

Silence, and then he asked me suddenly, "How have you been?"

"Fine," I lied. I had been a wreck lately, and I didn't even know why. "Only…I'm leaving for college tomorrow."

Ponyboy seemed startled. "Where are ya going?"

"NYU."

He gave a low whistle. "Pretty far."

"I know." I looked down at the ground. "I think I just wanted to… to…" I didn't know how to say it.

"To get away?" He supplied.

I nodded. "Yeah. But now…now I'm not so sure."

"It's hard, huh? Leaving here." He said this matter-of-factly.

"Real hard," I replied. "I mean, I always thought I wanted to leave so bad. But now that I'm about to – well, now I'm a little-"

"Scared?" I turned to look at him. How could he still understand me so well, after all this time?

"Yes. I'm scared." It was the first time I had let myself realize that. All this time I'd been pushing the thought back, trying to trick myself into thinking that I was ready. But I wasn't. I was scared to death of going off to New York by myself, and leaving behind the only world that I had ever known. Heck, I was terrified.

"What about you?" I asked him suddenly, desperate for the attention to be off of me. "How have you been?"

"I've been alright," He said. I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off. "Look."

I followed his gaze upward, towards the night sky. For a moment, I actually lost my breath. There were millions of stars out, filling the sky with tiny bursts of light. For a few minutes, Ponyboy and I stood there, side by side, watching the stars. It was beautiful, and breath-taking, and there was something about that moment that was so perfect that it made me ache.

"Almost as nice as a sunset," Ponyboy whispered, breaking the silence.

I shook my head sadly. "I haven't watched a sunset in a long time."

"I haven't either," Ponyboy murmured. His voice sounded muffled, and I understood.

"You haven't really been that alright, have you." I commented. It wasn't a question.

"No," He said lowly.

"Me neither." I admitted softly.

We enveloped each other in a fierce hug and stayed like that for awhile. We both understood each other, almost too well. He understood that I was leaving tomorrow in a fit of uncertainty, and that while part of me wanted to get out as quick as I could, another part of me wanted to stay in Tulsa. I understood that even after two years, he was still hurting, though he wouldn't admit it to anyone.

Ponyboy and I were two of a kind.

"I'm gonna miss you, Cherry," he mumbled softly.

With my arms still wrapped around him, I nodded. "I'll miss you, too."

"I'll bet they have some real nice sunsets up in New York," He said quietly.

I shook my head. "I doubt I'll have enough time to watch them."

We broke apart and looked at each other. Reality set in. Just as we understood one another, we also understood something about this moment. It would be the last of its kind, for awhile. I'd come back to Tulsa, later, but we both knew I wouldn't see him. And in a couple of years, he'd leave Tulsa too. And maybe when that happened we'd both look each other up, but until then…

"Good-bye, Ponyboy," I said with a note of finality.

He nodded, and smiled sadly. He knew it, too. "Bye Cherry." He grabbed my hand and squeezed it affectionately. I returned the gesture. We both turned our separate ways and headed home.

I hadn't taken more than ten steps when I heard him say me name again. "Cherry!"

"Yeah?" I asked, turning around. It was hard to see his face in the dark, but I was sure I caught the hint of a smile. "If you can't catch a sunset, just look at the stars."

I couldn't think of anything to say to that, and I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. "I'll do that. Thanks, Pony."

He nodded and turned back towards his house. I watched his retreating back for a minute before doing the same.

As I walked home, feeling content for the first time in a while, I was finally able to appreciate something that I guess I'd known all the while: Marcia wasn't my only real friend in Tulsa.