Amour Non
by kitty-re

Five Times Sirius Black Knew Love Was Real.

i.
He had grown up in a house of no love; his father hitting him with every mistake he made, every drop of the silverware at the dining table and every time Regulus did something better than he did. His mother watching from the kitchen with a glass of wine in her hand; not even trying to put a stop to any of the madness.

A smack to the back of the head. "You're supposed to be an idol to him not a worse and weaker impression. For Merlin's sake you're a Black not some incompetent mudblood!"

It was the way he'd always known it to be – make a mistake and you get punished. Don't agree with the way that everything's presented and get hit.

So at the Hogwarts train station after his parents had apparated away and he forced himself through the barrier between Platform 9 and 10, he was confused to see the throng of families surrounding their First Year children whispering words of comfort and support. He could see hugs everywhere and hear worried children being hushed in a loving kind of way instead of angry "It's time to grow up Sirius!"

He turned, waiting to see a family that resembled his own – a broken family where the mother and father weren't holding hands or tears weren't prickling their eyes and proud smiles weren't splashed across their faces. He looked for another lone child on the platform carrying their own luggage.

But he found none.

For the first time in his life he saw images of love surrounding him and he knew that none were his. But it did not matter to him; because for the first time he really saw what love was – and it flamed inside of him with a hope that was newly born.

ii.
They say hope and dreams die when reality is worse than you could possibly imagine.

Hogwarts had brought with it a sense of family and friendship that his own family would never even think of producing. But all the happiness, and cheeky rebellious adventures had put a sort of film over the harsh past memories and Sirius got off the Hogwarts Express with rose coloured glasses on. He was waiting for his family to be standing there, they hadn't seen him for a year after all, but he was met with the sight of his house elf Kreacher.

Sirius was always mildly disgusted with the elf, but he thought nothing could ruin his mood – and how wrong he was. Kreacher seized his upper arm and turned with a crack, bringing Sirius straight into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place where his mother and father were waiting for him.

His father set down his glass of firewhiskey on the counter and the flames of the drink danced in his eyes along with his own raging temper.

"Sorted into Gryffindor. A Black, sorted into Gryffindor." He said somewhat calmly before he picked his glass back up and threw it against the wall behind Sirius. "I have every right to kick you out of this house right now! Running around with blood traitors and mudbloods, that's what I've heard from everyone! All so surprised at you, how could you do this to our family's name?"

Mrs. Black sat there shaking in silent fury, her eyes red with tears or perhaps the angry words that she knew she must keep in. It was her husband's duty to straighten out the children. And as she witnessed her husband bring back his hand and slap her eldest son across the face she did nothing.

Sirius shouted and fought against his father but he was much too strong for him, and as Regulus flew down the stairs to his brother's aid she stayed still on the kitchen chair, not even bothering to fully watch the chaos in front of her.

"Let go of him Dad. Let go of him!" Regulus cried, fighting against his father's forearms. Mr. Black finally stopped beating Sirius.

"Hit me but don't hit him." Sirius muttered under his breath which was met by his father's equally quiet answer of, "that's because he's my son."

"Oh and what am I now?" Sirius said finally before turning and dragging his chest upstairs.

Hours later Regulus opened the door to his brother's bedroom just enough for his voice to echo through the room clearly,

"You're my brother." He said, "You're my brother and I'll always love you. No matter what house you're in."

iii.
He and James were inseparable; they were best mates – Marauders. On their own they were good, but together they were great, glorious – the steadiest force that had ever walked through the front doors of Hogwarts. Waging war on rules, teachers and society itself. If a ruckus had ensued you could guarantee that moments later two teenage boys with black hair would be seen running away from the mess roaring in laughter.

They was no Sirius Black without James Potter and there was no James Potter with Sirius Black.

They didn't realize how deep the ties of bestfriend's really lie; they thought they could pick them off one by one. The war was raging outside the castle's walls and it was time for the Slytherins to really show their allegiances before they left the school for Summer holidays, and what better way to show their faith to the Dark Lord by beating the shit out of two of the strongest blood traitors.

It was Bellatrix that found him, flying around the quidditch pitch at night always gave him a deep kind of peace that nothing else could really compare to. She called for a backup team of such; a set of Slytherins that were waiting to leave school to join the ranks of the Dark Lord, they were the darkest students at the time that had no problem messing around with a blood traitor like Sirius Black.

So as soon as he walked past the stadium in which they were hiding underneath they hexed and cursed him until each of them had had a turn ripping out a guttural scream from that proud, traitorous, filthy Black chest of his and hours later when James had finally wondered where his best mate had gotten, was the first time he was found.

Sirius laid there frozen with dried blood covering half his face, after James had unfrozen him by the time Sirius got up James had already legged it to the castle. The next day most of the Slytherins that had attacked him were sporting black eyes and the tell-tale sign of jinxes but it was a mark of how strong their friendship was that James said nothing.

He had taken on 8 Death Eater wanna-be's and didn't even brag to Evans and days later when Sirius finally asked James merely shrugged and said,

"I don't let people attack my family. I'll always have your back Padfoot."

Sirius nodded and James smiled embarrassed, as he walked away Sirius wondered if he'd ever have the balls to say he loved another man. Even James who was his brother.

iv.
He had suspected something in the looks they had shared, in the silent moments where her eyes would glaze over and the distance between their skin would prickle in the warm kind of way he associated with the need to touch.

But he restrained himself and every time her leg accidentally grazed against his, he would remember the wave of heat that would consume his body but leave it at that. He couldn't give in to his wants this time, it was not as easy as taking her and just making a move and this challenge would be a betrayal of the greatest kind.

The kind that he just couldn't give in to – no matter how much he wanted to.

But in that moment in the Heads Common Room where James was no where to be found, where she walked up to Sirius and stared him straight in the eyes, and where her lips had barely brushed against his and it sent his heart racing more than a million miles an hour, he knew this different – she was different than any other.

From the other girls he'd spent nights with and moments behind tapestries with. And he knew that the resounding push against the wall and his lips capturing hers as quickly as he possibly could, was completely out of control – but how it was glorious.

And the way her hands swept through his hair, how it was all sweet smells and delicate wrists drove him crazy but in a different way than any other girl ever had.

He knew that there was something more than lust exploding between them. And when her hands finally began trailing their way down his chest he didn't wait for them to reach his waistband before picking her up and climbing the few stairs to her Heads Girl room to finally do what they had both spent months imagining.

The night was long and full of whispered words and even after they finished neither of them fell to sleep, continuing to brush his fingers across her porcelain cheek again and again because softness like that just couldn't be real.

Hours later when the sun began to rise and Lily had drifted off to sleep against his bare chest, he ushered those three words for the first time in his life, and as soon as they were emitted he knew them to be true.

"I love you."

v.
Wedding days don't always equal happy endings. They don't always mean smiles and communal love; and Black was attending the first ceremony where he would refuse to take home any of the bridesmaids or guests – because all he wanted was her.

All he wanted was her red hair on his pillow every morning, her laugh in his ear at every joke he made and her waist to be the place where his arms were most commonly known to be.

But this was his best friend's inheritance and as Lily turned the corner and began walking towards her fiancé in that white dress, he knew that she was no longer his. But in reality she never was; that night was nothing more than a memory that he could pull up when he wished that things were different, when he wanted some feeling of comfort and love in this war.

Her cheeks glowed brighter than he had ever seen and as she stated the words of "I do." with such passion in her voice Sirius could swear he felt his heart give the last resounding crack. He knew that she loved James with all her heart and he knew that James would never let her go – he had fought this battle for more than 7 years, there was no way he would give up now. James and Lily fitted as perfectly together as a two piece puzzle; there wasn't even room for anybody else to stake their claim.

Sirius barely saw the two phoenixes fly from the top of the perch, his eyes never looking away from Lily's waiting for her to look at him, but as she gave James their first married kiss he knew it was truly, eternally over. And his applause with the rest of the bridal party and guests was the dullest and most hollow one any could hear, his smile was fixed and fake across his face but no one noticed – because they, like him, had just witnessed the truest show of love the world could of ever seen.

But Sirius knew his love for her was still as true as the morning he whispered it to her sleeping body, but just this once he wished it wasn't. Because now there was a greater kind of love overshadowing it, the greatest kind of love one could ever find and he knew now his love would never be enough.