Groundhog Daniel
By Icewyche
A.N.: This little fic came about as a casual remark during a Snarktron Force discussion on Groundhog Day – hence the title. And lo, the Plot Bunny of Doom did smite me most heartily, and the rest is this story. (Rimshot.) So this one's for you, Snarktron Force...you'll be getting the bills for my therapy soon. ;-D
Special thanks to Cheetoy, whose hilarious sketch of Daniel as the Little Mermaid inspired the second vignette in this story.
"So there's, like, a whole site where people write stories about us?" Larmina asked skeptically.
"Looks like," Vince replied. He peered at the screen. "Um, that's not how you spell that word." He frowned and looked again. "Or that one. It's only four letters - how can you mess that up? Haven't these people ever heard of a spelling checker?"
"That's not the only thing they've never heard of," Daniel said. "Listen to this – 'Me and my best friend meet the Voltron Force and this is about our adventures.' Oh, please. They couldn't even have used fake names?"
"And that should be 'my best friend and I'," Vince corrected.
"Right. Thank you, Mister Grammar Person. Here's another one...'I find the sixth lion but what secrets does it hold for...Ariss'? Seriously?"
"They can't even spell our planet's name right," Larmina said, frowning. "And how would you even form Voltron with six lions? That doesn't make any sense."
"None of this makes any sense," Daniel replied. "Being worshipped by adoring fans is great and all, but it's like some of them aren't even trying. I mean, come on – this is just sad."
"I don't know why you're complaining," Vince put in. "Your name is all over this thing."
"Yeah, how come so many of these are about Daniel?" Larmina wanted to know.
"Not all of them," Vince pointed out helpfully. "Hey, here's one about you...uh, and Pidge."
"What?"
"Larmina and Pi-idge, sitting in a tree," Daniel singsonged.
"You do know I'm an expert at, like, fourteen different kinds of martial arts, right?" Larmina shot back, then scanned the screen. "Well, at least this one knows how to write," she said grudgingly. "Could be worse."
"Could definitely be worse," Vince agreed. "Look at the characterization here, the depth of it. It's not just one-dimensional, you know? There's shading and nuances and the dialogue has a really natural flow to it. It's all really organic, it's not forced."
"Do you have a subscription to the Big-Word-Of-The-Month-Club or something?" Daniel grumbled.
"Look, I think it's good, okay? Uh...except for the, um, you-and-Pidge thing," Vince added hastily at Larmina's glare. "Hey, at least you guys get romance and stuff. My name's not on here at all," he groused. He glanced through more of the links, then pulled one up. "Oh, yeah, here we go. Hey, Daniel, did you know that Keith is actually your dad?" He read a bit more. "Or maybe it's Lance."
"That's goofy," Larmina scoffed. "I mean, they'd have been even younger than us when...well, you know. Do Earth boys really start that young?"
"NO," Vince and Daniel both said at the same time. "And I think we'd kinda know," Vince added with a dubious look at the screen.
There was a beat as all three cadets looked at one another. "Math fail," they pronounced in unison.
Larmina leaned closer to the monitor. "Check this out," she laughed, then deepened her voice dramatically. " 'Daniel has a dark, dark secret – can the rest of the team save him?' 'Daniel finds out about his bad past – how will he ever survive?' 'Daniel hates his life and wants to die'...when did you get so emo?"
Daniel scowled. "Shouldn't you be making googly eyes at Pidge or something?"
"Please. This is way more fun...hey, wait a minute." Larmina's eyes narrowed. " 'Daniel and Larmina are in love but can they ever...'?! Oh no they DID NOT."
"What?!" Daniel exploded. "No way. Uh-uh. No. Freaking. WAY."
"Yeah, okay. Moving on!" Vince interjected hurriedly, scrolling down as the other two fumed. "Hey, how about this one?" He clicked the link, and there was a long pause as the trio scanned the screen.
"GAAAHHH!"
"Oh, gross!"
"Close it close it close it!"
The three of them stared at each other after the offending words had disappeared from the monitor. "What is wrong with some people?" Larmina asked in disgust. "That was just...ewwww."
"I'm gonna have nightmares for a week," Daniel complained. "And we thought Dudley's stuff was nasty...can human beings even do that?!"
"I don't even wanna know," Vince replied, looking queasy. "Eugh...I don't think I'll ever look at a repair harness the same way again."
"Or bacon," Larmina agreed with a shudder. "See you guys later – it's been fun, but I need to go bleach my brain now."
"Sounds like a plan." Vince shut down the laptop and shoved his chair back. "Daniel, you coming?"
"Oh, yeah. I don't think even my speed-boost can get me away from that fast enough."
"Dude, I don't know where your mind was in class," Vince scolded. "Lance was ready to bite your head off."
Daniel shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first time. And hey, nothing blew up, right?"
Vince rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you managed not to kill us all. Go you. I'm gonna go work on some Nexus coding with Pidge, you want to come along?"
"Woooo, Geekapalooza. No thanks. You have fun, though – see you at dinner?"
"See you, man." They bumped fists and Vince walked off with a wave.
Daniel stood in the hall for a moment, thinking. There were a lot of things he could have done – the gym, the simulators, even the library (yeah, as if) – but instead he headed for the room he shared with Vince. It only took a moment to boot up the laptop, go to "History", and find the fan site – for a "tech-gician", Vince was pretty sloppy about clearing his browser history, Daniel mused.
Vince and Larmina hadn't been lying to him – his name was all over this site. It felt pretty good, really; here he was, this punk kid with no magic powers or royal lineage, but he was the one with the legions of fans, not Mr. Important Destiny or Miss Royal Ninjapants. So what if his fans couldn't spell…or put together a legible sentence…or figure out plots…okay, fine, whatever, who cared? They liked him – that was all that mattered.
He lost track of how many stories he slogged through, how many dark secrets or long-lost parents or mysterious powers or tragic illnesses he had. This latest one seemed to be either a Dark Secret or Super-Special Destiny story. Weird dreams? Check. Feeling different from everyone else? Check. Ominous stuff happening that nobody could explain? Check.
This time, though, there was something new. A button at the bottom of the page blinked cheerfully at him with the words "Click here for more." " 'Click here for more', huh?" Daniel murmured, a wicked grin appearing on his face. "Well okay, then. Let's see what 'more' you got." He moved the cursor to the button and clicked it and
ZAP
Daniel sat up, shaking his head to clear it. "Nnnh...what was that? Must have been static – AAAHH!"
He wasn't in his room anymore. He wasn't even indoors anymore. It looked like he was in a...forest? Daniel gawked at the huge trees arching over him – they had to be almost as tall as the Castle of Lions, with gnarled roots that twisted and tangled around each other. It looked almost as if they were sculpted that way; in fact, if he thought about it, they kind of looked like Green Lion's den except for the fact that there were six of them. "What is all this?" he wondered aloud.
"Hi, Daniel."
Daniel jumped about a foot. "GAH! Who said that?!" His head swiveled wildly as he tried to see where the voice was coming from, but he couldn't see anyone. At all. "Wh – what's going on?"
"Don't be afraid. I would never hurt you," the voice said, almost shyly. "I'm your biggest fan!"
"Um...thanks, I guess," Daniel said warily. It was a girl's voice, he could tell that much. But where was it coming from? "So, uh, where am I, anyway? And where are you?"
"You're in my story," the voice replied. "I wrote it all about you, and now you get to live it!"
"I...what?"
"You get to live my story that I wrote!" Well, she was enthusiastic if nothing else, Daniel thought. "It'll be awesome!" There was a pause, and even though he couldn't see his invisible companion, Daniel had the sense that she was frowning. "But that's the wrong form. You need to be in your other form."
"My what?" I sure am saying "what?" a lot. But what else do you do when you've got some invisible girl telling you you're in her "story"? "Um, what 'other form'? This is the only one I've got."
"No, it isn't," the voice reassured him. "You see, you're secretly a shapeshifter and you've just found out about your new power. So you need to change into your real form."
"Oh." He waited. And waited. "So...aren't you going to tell me what my real form is?" he asked after a long moment.
"It's supposed to be a surprise."
Daniel sighed. "Okay, well, will you at least tell me how to change my form or whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing?"
"You mean you don't know already?" She sounded confused.
Oh, for...He had to fight the urge to bang his forehead against a tree. "Look, I'm really kind of new at this whole shapeshifting thing," Daniel retorted. "A little help here would be great."
"Oh. Um. Okay." There was a long pause. "Okay. I've got it. I can fix this."
"Great. So how exactly do I go about – hey!" Something he couldn't see squashed him to the ground, pummeling and yanking on him as if he were made of dough. "Ow, ow, ow! What are you – ow – doing?!" The whatever-it-was abruptly released him, and Daniel stood up with a huff. "What the heck was that?" he demanded.
"Your new form!" Well, she sounded happy, at least. "How do you like it?"
"How should I know?" Daniel huffed, pacing in annoyance. "I can't even see – " …wait a minute. Was he imagining it or was the ground a lot closer now? And why was he walking…on…his… "Oh, no. Are you kidding me?!"
He sat down with a thump and held his hands up to his face. No, not his hands…his paws. Huge white lion paws, to be exact, to go with the huge white lion body he was currently wearing – he even had a tail. "What – what is this?"
"This is who you really are," Invisible Girl explained. "You're the long-lost mystical White Lion, leader of all the Lions. Their real leader. Because they're actually real lions, but of course nobody knows that yet."
He had to admit it - he was intrigued in spite of himself. "Okay...so how do they find out?"
"You show them! The Lions come to you and accept you as their leader, and you take them to the Voltron Force, and everybody's so impressed with your bravery and courage that they make you leader of the Voltron Force too!"
"Yeah?" Leader of the Lions AND Commander of the Force! Well, all right then! "Okay, so I guess I have to meet the Lions first. Where are they?"
A growl was his answer, as a sleek form emerged from the undergrowth. The lioness was nearly as tall as Daniel - when he was human, anyway - and almost all of her was powerful muscle. The sharp, half-bared white teeth reminded him that he was face-to-face with an apex predator - the lions he'd seen at the zoo as a kid looked like housecats next to her.
Oh, and she was green.
Every bit of sanity Daniel had screamed at him to run, to get the hell out of there before he became Lion Chow, but he stood his ground. He was supposed to be the Lions' leader, after all, and leaders didn't run. "Hi," he said.
The lioness growled again, moving closer; Daniel hoped the fur covering his legs hid how badly they were shaking. She sniffed the air once, twice, then roared, a sound that nearly made Daniel jump out of his new skin. "Somehow I don't think that's her way of saying hello," he muttered.
Three more lions appeared between the trees - one red, one blue, and one yellow. He'd thought the green lioness was huge, but next to these she looked petite and dainty. Claws as big and sharp as daggers raked the ground; powerful muscles bunched and shifted beneath gleaming fur while glowing eyes fixed on him with deadly intent. But that's only four - where's...?
He got his answer a moment later as the forest fell silent - even the wind seemed to stop. The air grew charged and heavy, as if the mother of all storms was brewing. A low rumble rolled through the trees, and Daniel could have sworn he felt the ground vibrate right along with it. The underbrush rustled; the arc of lions facing him parted in the middle and an enormous black lion stalked into view.
Uh-oh.
The black lion - no, Daniel realized, the Black Lion - prowled in a wide circle around him, sniffing the air and eyeing him suspiciously...from the looks of him he was none too pleased about the newcomer in his territory. Well, if I'm their leader I guess I'd better lead. "It's okay - I'm one of you," Daniel said. "I'm here to lead you."
The other lions snarled and shifted, but none of them made a move. Black faced Daniel and roared what sounded an awful lot like a challenge. Of course he's going to challenge you, snartbrain...you're moving in on his turf, did you really think he'd just roll over and purr? "It's okay," Daniel repeated. "Look, let's talk this over, I'm sure we can work out some kind of agreement. I mean, we're all friends here, right?"
Black roared again and launched himself at Daniel. "Hey, wait - " was all Daniel had time for before the huge lion slammed into him with the force of a truck - a big, angry truck with claws and teeth. He hit the ground with a thud.
Daniel blinked the stars from his vision and tried to get his breath back, not an easy thing to do when you had a gigantic lion standing on your chest. "Hey, come on, I'm a good guy!" he protested. Black's reply was another snarl and a baring of those vicious white teeth. Okay, this is really not going according to plan. Think! He'd done hand-to-hand against people bigger than himself before and won - would it work if he wasn't human? Only one way to find out.
He twisted his hips - did lions have hips? - abruptly; the move threw Black off balance just enough for Daniel to buck him off and scramble to his feet. He backed away, keeping a wary eye on the other lions. "Okay, some help right now would really be great," he muttered to his unseen fangirl.
"You're their leader!" came the chirpy reply. "Show them your true power!"
Black had regained his feet and was glaring at Daniel, while behind him the other lions snarled. "My true power, huh?" Daniel said, backing away even more. "Great idea!" Black coiled and sprang...and Daniel ran.
He plunged through the trees at breakneck speed, stumbling over his extra legs as the furious crashing and roaring behind him got closer. I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die...
"Daniel! Where are you going? Why are you running? The destined leader of the Lions shouldn't run!"
"Yeah, well, the 'destined leader of the Lions' would rather not die right now, thanks! DO something, will you?"
"Oh! Okay, sure!" A tree crashed down right in front of him, and Daniel had to swerve abruptly to keep from being squashed. "I meant to them!" Daniel yelled, scrambling awkwardly over the fallen foliage. Great - I escape angry Lions but get killed when my fangirl drops a freaking tree on me.
"Sorry!" Invisi-Girl squeaked. There was another crash farther behind him followed by a chorus of enraged roars. He kept running until he couldn't hear them anymore.
Daniel sat down heavily under a clump of trees. "Why didn't it work?" he wondered, absently scratching his head with a claw - having fur was hot, and not in the good way. "I tried to talk to them, but it was like they didn't even understand me...although those roars were pretty clear." Wait a minute... "And I didn't understand them either," he said slowly. "Oh, for...how am I supposed to be their leader when we don't even speak the same language?"
"But...they should have understood you 'cause you're a lion like them!"
"Did you write it that way?"
"Well, no, but...I mean...everybody knows that!"
"Those lions didn't," Daniel pointed out.
"But...fine," Invisi-Girl huffed. "I'll fix it. Are you going to go back and talk to them again?"
"Ha ha ha noooo," Daniel chuckled. He looked around, trying to get his bearings, and saw a familiar spire through the foliage. "I'm gonna try the Castle - at least they can understand what I'm saying and maybe help."
To his relief, the entire team was in front of the Castle enjoying a friendly volleyball game; Lance and Larmina were facing off against Hunk and Vince while Keith, Allura, and Pidge watched. Daniel ran to join them, calling "Guys! Guys!"
Hunk saw him first and stopped dead in his tracks; the ball that Lance had just slammed over the net bounced off his head. He didn't even notice. "Dude, what the heck are you doing?" Lance demanded. "Gotta keep your eye on the ball, big guy!"
"Uh, I think we should keep an eye on that, bro," Hunk replied, pointing. Lance turned to look and his jaw dropped at the sight of a white lion charging toward them. "What the...?"
"What is that?" Allura asked. "Where did it come from?"
Daniel skidded to a stop a few feet away. "Guys!" he panted. "Boy, am I glad to see you! I need your help, something really weird's happened!" He paused, realizing just how obvious that was. "Uh, but you probably figured that out already, huh?"
The team eyed him warily, as if they hadn't understood a word he'd said. Daniel tried again. "Look, I'm in some kind of bizarro 'story' and now I'm a lion and Black tried to kill me and why are you all just staring at me like that? Snap out of it, will you?" Or at least that's what he'd intended to say - what came out was GrahhrgrrrRAAAARgrahhhhrrrrrrgrrgrrRURRR!
Oh, no. "You 'fixed' this, didn't you?" Daniel asked Invisi-Girl, his heart sinking. "You made me sound like a lion."
"You told me to," she replied.
Daniel smacked himself in the forehead with one huge paw. "Now was kind of a bad time!" he said through gritted teeth.
"Don't anyone go near it," Keith told the others tersely. "Remember what happened the last time a white lion showed up."
"Haggar's dead, but...Maahox," Lance muttered. "Could be one of his - when all else fails, go with the classics."
Daniel stood up clumsily on his back legs and waved his arms. "Guys! Guys, wait! It's me, Daniel!" he said frantically. GraaaaahrarGRAHHH! Too late he realized what the team must be seeing: a huge white lion rearing on its hind legs and roaring.
"It's attacking!" Larmina yelled. Her Voltcom flashed and a pale blue spear appeared in her hand. "Get it!" The others apparently thought that was a great idea, because in the space of an eyeblink Daniel found himself staring at six different weapons - seven, if you counted Vince's finger-tendrils or whatever they were - all aimed right at him.
"Vince! Hunk!" Daniel yelled. "Teamwork! Unity! Let's go Voltron Force! Come on!" His answer was an arrow thudding into the ground a bare inch from his front paws, courtesy of Allura's bow. That was all the warning he needed.
Daniel turned and hightailed it toward the forest as fast as his legs would take him, nearly tripping over himself in his haste - doing this on four legs was harder than it looked! One of Lance's magma bolts just missed his ear, and a Smart Star got close enough to shear off some of his mane. I'msodeadI'msodeadI'mSOdead... "Oh, yeah, that went well!" he yelled to his invisible puppet mistress.
"They weren't supposed to do that!" she replied, sounding annoyed. "They were supposed to know who you were and make you their leader."
"Did you tell them that?!" Daniel retorted. " 'Cause I don't think they got the memo!" He ran into the forest at top speed until he reached a clearing, where he collapsed onto the mossy ground. "I don't - wanna - be a lion - anymore," he panted.
"Sorry," the girl said. "Okay, let me see how I can fix this."
Daniel lifted his head and glared in the voice's general direction. "No! No more fixing - I don't want to be a lion anymore! This is crazy, let me out of here!"
"But..."
"No!" Daniel yelled. "That's twice I almost got killed! I don't want to do this any more, I want to be me again!"
"But...I don't know how to do that," the girl said meekly. "I...um...haven't worked that far ahead."
"Arrrgh!" This time Daniel gave in to the urge to bang his head on a nearby tree. He was about to demand that she think of something when a glint of light caught his eye. Curious, he went to check it out and found a...thing about the size of a basketball at the base of a huge tree, flashing orange and with the words "Click Here For More" written on it.
Daniel blinked, then a grin spread across his face. "Ha-ha!" he crowed gleefully. "This has to be my ticket out of here!" And anyway, it can't get worse, can it? "Later, kid!" Ignoring her protests, he lunged forward and mashed the thing with both hands - uh, paws - and
ZAP
...lifted his head, spitting out sand. Okay, this isn't the Castle of Lions. But then again, he thought, glancing around, he could be worse places than a beach. Even better, he was back in human form. That's more like it! He sat up to get a better look at his surroundings and nearly faceplanted again when his legs refused to work right - what the heck was wrong with his legs? It felt like they were...stuck...together...
"AAAAAAHHHHH!"
He had a fish tail. He had a freaking FISH TAIL. And worse, it sparkled. And worse still...so did the rest of him. "Oh, come on. Seriously?!"
"It's because you're a merman," came the disembodied voice again.
"I'm – I'm a what?"
"A merman. You're the last prince of a shapeshifting tribe of merpeople that live under the sea," the voice explained. This one was a little different from the last one...another fan. Yay.
"What? Shapeshifting again? Oh, for – okay, fine. So why am I sparkling?" Daniel demanded.
"Because you're also a vampire."
"What the heck are you – ow!" Something – no, two somethings poked him in the lip. He reached up gingerly and found...fangs. Oh, sure. Why not? "So I'm a vampire merman. A mervamp." Which makes no sense at all. "That still doesn't explain why I'm – ugh – sparkling. Vampires don't sparkle."
"Yes, they do."
"Uh, no, they don't."
"Yes. They. DO," the voice insisted menacingly. Daniel yelped as a giant wave crashed over him and dragged him into the water. He flailed his way to the surface, sputtering and shaking his wet hair out of his eyes as the voice continued, "Now you must return to your ocean home and seek your rightful destiny. Go, Prince Daniel. Swim like the wind!"
"That. Doesn't. Make. Sense!" Daniel yelled, but there was no answer. Scowling, he ducked under the waves, mentally grumbling the whole time. "Seek my rightful destiny." Yeah, right. What I need to "seek" is a way OUT of this craziness. He dove deeper, scanning the water around him for any danger – no telling what this fan would get him into. Bad enough I'm a "mervamp" that sparkles. A "sparklemervamp". He shook his head. And I can NOT believe I just thought that. He sighed, watching the bubbles float upward. Well, at least she remembered to give me gills or whatever. That would have been really awkward otherwise.
Daniel would have been the first to admit that he really didn't know much about the ocean - well, okay, maybe not the very first, but still - but this ocean didn't seem very...oceanic somehow. He had no idea how deep he actually was, but he really didn't think there should be this much light here. Not to mention how brightly colored everything was...it reminded him more of an aquarium than the deep sea. What're you gonna do, he thought.
"You know," he mused aloud, "if I'm a prince, shouldn't I have, like, a squire or something? A loyal companion to assist me in my quest?"
"You just had to ask that, didn't you?" a voice spoke up behind him. Daniel whirled, startled, but relaxed when he saw who the speaker was.
"Vince!" he exclaimed in relief. "Man, am I glad to see you! What are you doing here?" Then he did a double take. "And why are you a fish?"
"Heck if I know," Vince – who was indeed a fish – groused. "These are your fans, snartbrain. I just got dragged along for the ride." He scowled, which was pretty disconcerting on those fish-human features. "And I'm not just a fish, I'm a flounder. A stupid flounder. So thanks for that."
"Look, this isn't my fault. I'm just as stuck in this weirdness as you are," Daniel protested.
"Yeah, whatever." Vince-the-fish flipped his tail in the fishy equivalent of a dismissive wave. "So how do we get out of this, O Hero?"
"Man, you're snarky when you're a fish."
"You try being a flounder. See how cheerful you are," Vince retorted. "I mean, come on, I couldn't at least have been a dang shark or something?"
"Or an electric eel, maybe," Daniel added, trying to swallow back laughter.
Vince-the-fish glared at him. "Yeah, all right, funny guy. I hope you get mistaken for a whale and harpooned."
"Okay, okay. Sorry." Daniel shrugged. "The last story I got stuck in had this 'click here' button...if we could find that, we could get back to our normal selves."
"Or wind up in something worse. But it's worth a shot," Vince agreed. "Only problem is, we're under a really big ocean. How are we gonna find a button in all of this?"
"Dunno. But we're not going to find it by just floating here. Come on." Daniel shot forward with a flip of his tail – okay, so there were some perks to this mervampwhatever business – Vince close beside him.
"So, um, Daniel?"
"Yeah?"
"I get that you're half-fish and all – in this context, it kinda makes sense. But what's with the fangs? And are you...glittering?"
"Sparkling. Don't ask," Daniel sighed.
They swam along, both keeping a wary eye out for anything odd – "odd" being a relative term, of course, Daniel thought. I'm not sure it can even get odder than this. Still, he couldn't help but be creeped out by the whole situation, and it didn't take him long to realize why. "Vince, are you noticing anything weird here?"
"You're a sparkly merman and I'm a talking fish. Define 'weird'."
"Look around, man. We're the only ones in this whole ocean. That shouldn't be happening, should it?"
Daniel hadn't thought that fish could shrug, but Vince-the-fish managed. "Maybe whoever's writing this didn't feel like describing any other fish. It's a story, not an ichthyology textbook."
"A what?"
Vince rolled his eyes. "Dude. Come on. Every so often you need to read something that doesn't have pictures in it."
Daniel gaped at him. "This is my story written by my fan, and you're getting all the best lines. That is just wrong."
"What can I say? I'm just that good." Vince's attention suddenly shifted to something behind Daniel. "Hey, what's that?"
"What's what?" Daniel turned to see light flickering through the water. "Not sure. Let's go check it out." As they drew closer to the mysterious light, they saw that it wasn't flickering but flashing. "Hey, that looks like...Vince, that's it! That's the button!"
"Yeah?" Vince squinted – add something else to the list of things Daniel hadn't known fish could do. "I think you're right! Come on!" They arrowed toward the flashing light, which was indeed the "Click here" button, nestled safely in a cluster of coral. "Finally," Daniel sighed. "Man, I can't wait to get back on dry land. On two legs, thank you."
"Let's hope, at least," Vince agreed. "So what are you waiting for? Punch it and let's – uh-oh." His eyes widened as he caught sight of something past Daniel's shoulder. "Uh...Daniel? I think I know why there aren't any other fish here."
"Huh? Hey, Vince, where'd you g-ooof!" Something hit him hard enough to drive the air from his lungs. Startled, Daniel looked down to see a tentacle twice as thick as his arm wrapped around his waist. What the...? "I told you I was Voltron's biggest fan!" a nasal voice whined in his ear.
Aw, snart.
Daniel managed to turn enough to see...Dudley. The spoiled, Voltron-obsessed would-be cadet. Wearing his replica of Keith's old red flight suit. And his fake Drule ears.
And from the waist down, he was an octopus.
Okay – so much for things not getting odder. "Dudley?"
"That's right!" Dudley crowed. "You think you're so special - prince of the shapeshifting vampires - but I'm going to find your lost tribe instead, and then they'll make me prince!"
"Wait, how did you even get in this story?"
"Oh, that. It was easy; my dad knows a guy - "
"...Who knows a guy," Daniel and Vince finished in unison.
"...Well, yeah. Anyway - fight me, Prince Daniel! Or are you too chicken?" Dudley sneered, shoving Daniel away.
"Actually, right now I'm kind of a fish," Daniel quipped. "Look, I'd love to hang out, catch up, kick your butt, but I'm a little busy. Have your people call my people sometime!"
Dudley's face twisted in a scowl. "Oh, I get it - the great cadets of the mighty Voltron Force think they're too good to face me. Well, I'll show you - if you won't fight then I'll destroy you!" A tentacle lashed out and hit Daniel, sending him tumbling head over fins.
Daniel righted himself and glared at Dudley, fists clenching. "Oh, it's on, Squid Breath. Come on, Vince, let's teach this guy a lesson."
"Daniel, don't!" Vince protested. "There's no time, we have to get to that button!"
"No worries - this won't take long," Daniel replied confidently. "Hope you like calamari!" He charged forward, headbutting the Dudley-pus and sending them both tumbling head over fins – Dudley's squeal of dismay was the most satisfying thing he'd ever heard. It was a short-lived triumph, though, because it only took a couple of punches for Dudley to remember that he had ten arms – two regular ones and eight tentacles – to Daniel's two. Okay, this isn't going like I'd planned. "Hey! Um…Fangirl! How about writing me a way out of this?" No answer.
"She's not going to help you," Dudley taunted. "Maybe you're not as smooth with the laydeez as you think you are."
"Shut it, Octopus Boy," Daniel grumbled. "Vince! Some help would be good here, man - use your finger-whips!"
"Dude, I can't!" Vince said, waving his fins in agitation. "No fingers, remember?!"
Oh, right. Duh. "Well...you're the smart cadet, think of something!"
"Okay, okay," Vince muttered. "Thinking...thinking..."
"Vince!" Daniel struggled to break Dudley's grip on him - between the tentacles around his waist and Dudley's hands gripping his wrists, he was caught pretty good. "Less thinking, more doing, buddy!"
"Make up your mind, will you?" Vince groused. "All right - check this out, ugly-pus!" He shot forward just past Dudley's face, his tail smacking the other boy right across the smirk. Dudley sputtered and glared, but before he could react Vince had zipped around and smacked him again. "Hey!" Dudley whined, swatting uselessly at Vince. "No fair!"
Daniel took advantage of the distraction and his suddenly-freed hand to punch Dudley. Been wanting to do that for a while. His hand stung - what, did half-octopusses have harder faces or something? - but Dudley was taken aback long enough to loosen his hold. Daniel broke away and put some distance between himself and the would-be cadet. "Vince! Get to the button!"
"That won't work - I don't have any way to press it. Besides, it's your story, I think you have to do it," Vince pointed out.
"Great," Daniel muttered, eyeing Dudley warily. "How we gonna get past him?"
"You don't," Dudley sneered. "I'm going to push that button, and then I'll be the hero, not you!"
Vince scoffed. "As if. Leave this to me, Daniel. Hey, loser - eat fin!" He charged at Dudley, darting around him and delivering a stinging slap with his tail every time he got within reach. "Daniel! Go!"
Daniel hustled to the button and had his hands on it, ready to push, when a yelp from Vince stopped him cold. He turned to see his friend struggling in Dudley's tentacles. "Vince!"
"Don't worry about me!" Vince yelled. "Hurry! Push the button!"
"I can't just leave you, man!"
"Go on!" Vince urged. "I'll be okay, get out of here!" To prove his point, he wriggled and sank his teeth - wait, fish had teeth? - into a flailing tentacle. Dudley yelped and flung Vince away, arrowing toward Daniel with a snarl.
That was all the incentive Daniel needed. He lunged for the blinking button, putting all his weight into it, and
ZAP
He lifted his head, looking cautiously around him. A forest clearing again, but it was a tranquil, sun-dappled one. A bird trilled cheerfully somewhere overhead, and the grass was surprisingly soft.
Okay. He could feel his legs again, so that meant the fish tail was gone...
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
...and so were his clothes.
He dove frantically for a clump of nearby bushes. Oh man oh man oh man...please don't let there be anyone else here...PLEASE don't let there be anyone else –
"Hi, Daniel."
"GAAAH!" Daniel thumped his forehead on the ground. So much for that. "Look, whoever you are, just...stay over there, okay?" he gritted out, sticking one arm out of his leafy shelter to point in the general direction the voice had come from.
"But I'm here to help you."
"Uh-huh. That's great, except I'm not really, uh, dressed for company right now." Actually, I'm not really dressed AT ALL. "Could you help me by maybe writing me in something to wear?"
"Aren't you going to look at me?"
"What?" There's that word again. "Um, I can't see you, remember? You're just a voice."
A giggle that sounded weirdly like bells pealing. "Silly. I'm right over here. I'm in the story too."
Huh? Daniel slowly raised his head a bit, peering cautiously over the foliage. A girl stood a few feet away, watching him. She had long blonde hair that hung in glossy waves to her hips. Huge gemstone-purple eyes fringed with impossibly long, thick dark lashes regarded him from a face as sweetly pretty as an angel's, complete with high cheekbones and full, soft pink lips. Her dress was made of some shimmery material that hugged her slender yet curvy form, and she looked as serene and unruffled as if she'd just stepped out of a painting, not even a hair out of place or a blemish on her flawlessly creamy skin. She was, in a word, perfect.
She was the creepiest thing Daniel had ever seen in his life.
The girl smiled at him in a way that called to mind sunlight breaking through clouds and choirs of angels singing. "Hi there, Daniel," she said in a softly musical voice. It made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "I brought you this," she went on to explain, holding up a folded bundle of fabric.
"Oh, hey, that's great. Thanks. Just toss it over here, will you?"
She took a step toward him. "Here, let me just – "
"No!" Daniel shrank back behind the bushes. "Stay. Over. There. Please," he added belatedly. "Can you – can you just throw that over here?"
The girl frowned slightly. "Oh, all right," she said grudgingly...somehow even that looked good on her. She tossed the bundle in a flawless underhand pitch; it landed squarely on Daniel's head, unfolding and burying him in fabric. "You know, you're supposed to let me help you."
"Thanks, but I got this," Daniel replied, his voice muffled by the mass of fabric draped over his head. He finally managed to fight his way free of it; it seemed to be some sort of long cape. Or maybe she just liked carrying random lengths of fabric around. He managed to wrap it around himself in a sort of clumsy makeshift toga - it wasn't perfect, but it was better than walking around stark naked. "So, uh, who are you?" he asked as he emerged from the bushes.
Another one of those scary-perfect smiles. "I'm Lady Koryssandrah Bellamaria Stellara Angeliqua Windmelody of the House of Aeolus."
Daniel blinked. "Of course you are," he muttered. "So, uh, Lady Karasandbag Bellomatic Whatever-The-Rest-Of-That-Was, where am I and what am I doing here? Please say it doesn't involve talking octopuses."
Lady Korywhosit gave another sweetly pealing laugh. "Oh, Daniel, you're so funny. You can call me Korie, and I'll explain everything once we get to my home - you need food and clothes. This way."
Lady Korie's home turned out to be a fairytale castle perched regally on a cliff, because of course it did. Daniel had to fight not to gawk as he was ushered inside – it was like the Disneyworld castle on steroids. Everything sparkled and gleamed; specks of dust glittered in sunbeams but didn't actually land on anything, wood furniture was so polished it actually glowed, and the colors were so rich and bright they almost hurt his eyes. A brilliantly-colored bird stood on a perch by one of the huge windows, trilling a merry song – perfectly, of course – as a fluffy white cat dozed in the sunlight.
In short order Daniel was led to a sumptuous room and given an outfit that wouldn't have been out of place in one of those fancy Renaissance paintings, including pants that were just a little too snug for his liking. He tugged at his velvet tunic, trying fruitlessly to get it to cover his backside as Korie led him into a huge dining room set with a huge feast. The food looked as if it had been lifted directly from the cover of a fancy magazine, as flawless as everything else in this castle, and Daniel felt unease creep along his spine – everything here was just too perfect. "So, uh…what can I do for you? I mean, you've got me in this story for something, right?"
Korie nodded. "We need your help, Daniel. There's a terrible evil threatening our peaceful kingdom, and we searched for the bravest hero in the land to fight it. That's why you're here."
"And this evil would be what, exactly?" Daniel asked warily. "Lotor? Maahox? A Robeast?"
"A dragon."
Daniel blinked. "Uh…come again? I could be wrong, but I thought you said 'a dragon'."
"I did," Korie replied serenely. "There's a horrible dragon on the loose and we need you to hunt it down and kill it, because you're the dragonslayer."
"Riiiight. Okay then! You know, there's only one of me and dragons generally aren't a one-person job, so why don't I just call in the rest of the team and…"
"What team?"
"Uh, the Voltron Force. I'm part of that team, remember?" Daniel explained. "I mean, that's why you're writing about me, right? Because I'm part of the Voltron Force?"
Korie's perfect lips curled downward in a perfect sulky pout. "Oh, them. No, this story is all about you, Daniel. Anyone can use giant robots or whatever, but you're special."
"Not that special," Daniel retorted. "What the heck am I even supposed to fight this 'dragon' with? You're just expecting me to charge out there dressed like this, no armor, no weapons, no nothing?"
"Of course not, don't be silly," Korie scolded. She waved a hand and a moment later three servants appeared, one carrying a huge gold sword and the other two toting an elaborate suit of armor. "Our champion will go forth with the finest weapons and armor we have!"
Daniel eyed the getup dubiously but let the servants put it on him…and immediately wished he hadn't. "Oof…uh, Korie? This stuff is kinda heavy."
"That won't be a problem for you," Korie airily reassured him. "Our champion is strong enough to handle it."
"Uh-huh." Daniel hefted the enormous sword…well, tried to, anyway. He managed to hold it aloft for a fraction of a second before the sheer weight of it got to be too much. The blade plunged downward, the tip embedding itself in the floor with a loud clang as Daniel clung to the handle. "Holy…this thing weighs a freaking ton, I can't fight with this!" he complained. "Did you do any kind of research or anything to see how much all this would weigh?"
Korie shrugged. "Why? That's so boring, I just want to write my story."
Daniel opened his mouth to reply, but an unseen voice interrupted them. "Wait a minute!" the voice yelled. "You're doing it all wrong!"
Korie glared at the ceiling, hands planted on her hips. "Don't tell me what to write! For your information, I showed this to my teacher and she said it was good!"
"Well your story is stupid! Daniel's not a dragonslayer, he's secretly a dragon sent to save people from his evil brothers!" Unseen hands grabbed him, yanking and pulling – again?! – and suddenly Daniel was a huge red dragon…well, more of a lizard, actually. Note to self: research is good.
"No, he's not!" someone else shouted. "Daniel's dying of a rare disease, and no one knows if there's a cure!" Yank, yank – and he was on the floor gasping for air as his arms withered to sticks.
"That's not right!" another voice shrilled. "Daniel's the last of the Magical Unicorn Tribe! And he has special powers!" Yank, yank – he was a unicorn. A freaking unicorn.
"NO!" came another. "I said he's a merman prince!" Yank, yank, yank – and the sparkly fishtail was back.
"He's a robot! That doesn't want to be evil!"
"No, he's not! He's a magic prince with power over rainbows!"
"No – hey – stop it!" Daniel yelled as invisible hands pushed and yanked while the unseen voices argued. "Cut it out, you guys! I'm just me! Just a kid! I don't wanna be magical or a fish or unicorn rainbows or whatever! Hey!" They ignored him, shoving him back and forth and bickering. One of them got hold of him and started shaking him, and the voices just kept yelling "Daniel! Daniel!" "Hey! Let me go!"
"Daniel! Daniel, wake up!"
Daniel jolted awake, almost falling off his chair. "Huh? What?"
"You were talking in your sleep," Vince told him. "Something about how you didn't want to be a magical rainbow unicorn fish." He looked over at the laptop, then shook his head. "Dude. You just couldn't resist going back to that site, could you?"
"Yeah, it was dumb, I know," Daniel sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Me and my ego."
"Well, Allura sent me to find you – dinner's ready. Let's go, Ego Boy."
"Yeah, okay." Daniel shut down the laptop, closing it firmly – maybe a touch more firmly than was necessary – and followed Vince into the hall.
"So what was all that about, anyway?" Vince asked after a moment.
"You don't even want to know. Ugh." They walked along in silence for a minute or two, then Daniel said, "Hey, Vince?"
"Yeah?"
"The next time you complain about not having fans...remind me to tell you how lucky you are."