She was waiting for him in the car. When he opened the door she flinched but didn't look around.
She stared ahead, not catching his eye. The silence was extremely uncomfortable, but Deeks couldn't think of anything to say that would have made this any less awkward. Because it was awkward. Deeks wasn't sure he had ever had a more awkward car ride with a girl he was taking home. But then, Kensi wasn't just some girl. She wasn't just someone he had met a couple of hours ago and whose name he was probably gonna forget after a couple of days anyway. No. This wasn't just some girl. This was his partner. And this was something he really shouldn't screw up. Couldn't screw up.
Cause there was just too much at stake: Their partnership, and a comfortable work environment. Their friendship, something that had taken ages to be built up anyway. Their thing, whatever it was. All these things had become so much a part of Deeks's life he couldn't imagine living without them. He couldn't imagine living without her.
He turned to look at Kensi to see her watching him.
"Kens'?" He whispered. He cleared his throat. "You ok?"
She nodded. They stopped at a red light, and he turned around to look at her more closely. She turned away, but he took his hands and cupped her cheeks, forcing her to look at him.
"Come on, Kensilina. What are you thinking about?"
"This." She whispered.
Deeks smiled at her encouragingly, and ran his thumbs along her cheeks slowly.
"Its all right." He said.
She shook her head slightly. "I'm scared, Deeks."
"I know. I am too."
The traffic lights turned green again, and he had to turn away from her. She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, as if protecting her body from something.
Like protecting her heart from anyone getting to close, like building a wall around it.
Deeks smiled at the irony of the situation.
"What?" Kensi asked.
"Oh, its nothing, I was just thinking about stuff."
"Do you regret asking me out?"
He turned around to look at her. "What? No. Of course not. Wait, is that what you think?"
He shook his head, exasperated. "Kens', I've been trying to pluck up the courage to ask you out for months."
He pulled over in front of his house and turned of the engine. He turned in his seat to face Kensi. It was dark in the car now, but her eyes shone brightly. Too brightly.
"Kens', whatever happens now, you've gotta know that I don't regret anything. Asking you out is one of the best things I've done in quite a while. Except maybe saving the world every other week…"
She punched him in the shoulder. He smiled.
"That's my girl."
They just sat there like that for a couple of minutes just staring into each other's eyes. Then she turned away, self-consciously running her hand through her hair. He grabbed her arm before she got out of the car.
"So were ok?"
"Yeah." She nodded. "Were ok."
On the way to the front door he took her hand. She looked at their hands for a moment, then smiled and intertwined them. Her hand felt good in his. It was pretty small, so he was able to cover it with his, as if keeping it safe, shielding it. Safeguarding her hand as if it were her heart. Deeks rolled his eyes. The stuff he came up with in his head when he was nervous.
He unlocked the door, and they stepped inside. He turned on the light, and he was happy that he had at least removed all his clothes from the floor a couple of days ago and that there was only one empty takeout wrapper on the couch table.
"D'you want something to drink? Water, beer, whatever?" Kensi exhaled soundly.
"Deeks, stop it."
"What, I'm not doing anything.
"Yes you are."
He turned to her, so they stood facing each other.
"Yes you are," she whispered again. "You're pretending like this isn't a big deal, like this is just us hanging out like always. When you know it isn't. You asked me out on a date! You asked me to come home with you, Deeks! You can't downplay that. I don't think I could take that." Her voice had risen, but the last sentence was barely audible.
"I'm just trying to make this not awkward."
"But it is, Deeks."
"I know."
"Stop saying you know, that's not going to help anything. I don't-"
Deeks had taken matters into his own hands, not unlike when he had kissed her in the desert shortly before being captured.
At first she was frozen still. But when he cupped her face with his hands and pulled her closer to him she melted into his arms and he forgot everything. He picked her up from the floor, and she wrapped her legs around his hips. Deeks couldn't think straight anymore, it was all too overwhelming. It was all too much, too good, too real. Finally being able to kiss her, feel her body pressed up against his, being allowed to hold her, and run his fingers down her back without having to think about it twice.
He carried her through the living room to his bedroom, where he laid her out on the bed. He broke away and looked at her. She was staring at her like shed never seen him before. He couldn't stop staring at her. She looked so beautiful, just lying there like that. Her hair was a mess and she was out of breath.
She held out her hand to him, and there was a questioning look in her eyes. It was like she was giving him a last way out ticket. Deeks couldn't believe she still doubted him. How could she think he would leave her like this? He crawled into bed, so he was half lying on top of her, and ran his hands through her hair, tucking a loose strand behind her hair.
"You look so beautiful." He whispered. She was looking at him with wide eyes and he saw her eyes flicker to his lips. He shortened the distance between their lips, and when they touched she sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck. He was lying on top of her with all his weight pressed down on her but she didn't seem to mind. He could feel everywhere they touched very clearly, and it was all he could do not to start opening the buttons on her blouse.
She broke away, and for a moment they just lay there staring into each other's eyes. He saw fear in hers, and a flicker of doubt was evident on her face.
"What's wrong?" He asked, for what felt like the hundredth time today. He had thought they were past that point, that she trusted him now. He had probably underestimated how far her trust and commitment issues went.
"You know if we do this, this changes everything."
And when she said it like that, it made it clear to him. He'd thought about what might happen if he asked her out. A lot. But what he'd always kinda downplayed was what might happen. Always thought it wouldn't change that much. And right now, it made him scared. But he knew that however scared he was, he had to leave this up to Kensi. He had promised her he'd be there and if he pulled out now shed never trust him again.
"So what do you want to do?" He asked.
"I don't want to have to choose."
"Than don't, we don't choose."
"That's not how it works."
God it hurt to see her scared like that. And right now she was bringing up all the reasons why he had taken so long to ask her out. Because of all the things that would change. Because it would change everything.
"What are you doing to me Deeks?"
And in that moment he knew. They just had to try. They could make this work.
And in that moment the answer to that question was just so obvious.
"I'm falling in love with you."