She slides the drawer open and gently sorts through its contents until she sees it. Her latest find, her new favourite: a set of black lace lingerie, sleek and revealing, trimmed with silk and dangerously see-through. She strokes the fabric with her fingers, feels its delicate softness and traces its lines as her mind fills with erotic images: Kate's barely concealed body, a look of hunger on her face, the inviting curves of her breasts. Her body heat. Her sweat. Her wet pleasure.
A quiet creak of the floorboards behind her scares the life out of her and she flings the lingerie back into the drawer, shutting it so quickly she almost traps her fingers.
"Caroline. I thought you were in the living room."
"Nope. Not in the living room," she says stiffly. She stands still, far too embarrassed to turn around, hoping against hope that Kate will leave her alone and not ask her what in the world she was doing rummaging around in her underwear drawer.
"I didn't mean to startle you."
"No, no. My fault."
"Nobody's fault, Caroline," Kate says quietly.
"I should, er, there was that, um, that programme I was going to watch so I'll…go and watch it."
She turns around awkwardly, avoiding her eyes, and tries to leave the bedroom but Kate reaches out a hand and stops her with gentle fingers sliding around her wrist.
"What were you doing?" she says softly.
"Nothing," she says automatically, feeling utterly daft as soon as it's out of her mouth.
"Were you looking for something?"
"I got the wrong drawer, that's all, wasn't thinking. Did you want to watch this documentary, it's supposed to be-"
"Do you like lingerie, Caroline?" Her voice is so quiet and yet so powerful it's almost hypnotic; her nerves are telling her to run but Kate's hand is still wrapped around her. She can't find the words to reply.
"I'm not cross that you were looking. Not anywhere close to cross."
"Like I said, it was a mistake, nothing to it." It's hardly the most believable excuse but she can't think of anything else. Kate moves closer to her, sliding her arms around her waist and leaning in to her, not meeting her eyes but instead bringing her lips right up against her ear. Caroline takes a deep breath and tries to keep calm.
"I'm going to ask you again and I'd like it very much if you'd tell me the truth. Do you like lingerie, Caroline?"
Her hot breath tickles against her ear, her body heat penetrating through their clothes. She stays quiet, her whole body tense.
"The black ones you had in your hands - I bought those for you. I was going to wear them for you, on your birthday. I thought you might like that, but now I'm thinking that you might like it even more than I'd thought. Is that right, beautiful?"
The arms tighten around her, bring her even closer to Kate's body. There's no way out now, it's truth or die.
"Maybe," she whispers, feeling a deep blush begin to bloom from her chest. Thank God she doesn't have to meet Kate's eyes; she might never stop blushing as it is.
"What were you doing when I came in here?"
"You know what," she mutters.
"Tell me. Tell me what you were doing." She starts to place soft kisses on her neck, one after another.
"I was…looking."
"And did you find anything?" More kisses, trailing ever so gently down her neck, starting to drive her crazy. Kate has a way sometimes of drowning her in tenderness when she's turning her on so much that what she really needs is hard and fast and now…a way of teasing her with a thousand soft caresses until she's so aroused that she snaps…
"You know I found something."
"And what were you doing with it when I came in here?"
The kisses on her neck continue and she's seriously starting to lose her composure. "Touching it," she says, a little breathless.
"And? Touching it and…what were you thinking about?"
She leans into her helplessly, every kiss sending a shiver of pleasure down her spine. "You. Wearing it."
"Just wearing it? Are you only watching me?"
"Making love to you while you wear it."
"Do you do that a lot, Caroline? Come in here and touch my underwear and fantasize about me? Have you done that before?"
"Sometimes," she says, her voice a little stronger now, the arousal starting to overtake her embarrassment, the serious tone of Kate's voice letting her know that she's not going to make fun of her.
"Do you like lace? Or silk? What colours do you like?"
Kate's hands have slipped underneath her shirt and are gently stroking the soft skin of her stomach. The urge to take control, to push her onto the bed and take her, is growing ever stronger but she's still a little embarrassed and can't quite make herself move.
"It's not…the colour, or the fabric."
"What is it then? What do you like?"
Her skin is stroked over and over again, driving her mad.
"I like that it's…revealing. That it's designed to…be that way, to be…flattering. But mostly…"
"What?"
"I like that it's yours. That you've worn it, the idea of you wearing it specially for me. And I like that it's been on your body."
There it was. It was new, this feeling, this turn-on, as so many things with Kate were new. Women's underwear had always been functional to her, attractive but not earth-shattering, not something she had found particularly exciting. And then one night she had opened Kate's underwear drawer on a whim and found a whole new side to herself that she'd never known existed. That never had existed before, really, because even now it wasn't underwear in general that aroused her – just Kate's.
"I wish I'd known. I'd have worn something special for you last night."
"Wear it now," she states as calmly as she can, her heart missing a beat at her own bravery. Kate leans back and for the first time since she entered the room their eyes meet, an erotic charge sparking in their gaze.
"Now? Right now?"
"Yes. Right now."
She tries to sound confident but an upward inflection sneaks into her tone and makes it sound like a question; a hint of a smile appears on Kate's face. There's a small pause as she watches her and her heart thuds in her chest, thudding even harder when Kate lets go of her and walks over to the drawer. She slides it open and reaches inside, laying the garments gently on the bed before starting to undo the buttons on her shirt, her gaze locked with Caroline's, the atmosphere alive with anticipation.
"No," Caroline says a little shakily, "I want to undress you."
Kate drops her hands to her side. Caroline approaches her, reaching out a hand and hoping that her hands will be steady. She slowly undoes the buttons on her shirt and slips it over her shoulders. Kate watches her silently, breathing a little faster than usual.
When she tries to undo the stud on her jeans she falters, her hands feeling weak, the blush spreading as she struggles with it. After several tries she finally manages it and she unzips the jeans and pulls them down firmly, letting Kate step out of them and discarding them on the floor. And then she's just in her underwear, a matching set of simple white cotton; she pauses and admires the sight.
"I knew you liked this," Kate says. "I didn't realise how much."
"Yes, well," she says, fighting her embarrassment. "Anyone with a pulse would like it on you."
"Take it off me. And put the other ones on."
She does, removing the white bra first, fighting the urge to kiss her as she leans close to unhook it, and then sliding the knickers down her body. She wants to touch them, to search for signs of wetness, to feel the texture of the fabric that had been closest to her body, but Kate's watching her intently and she makes herself drop them on the floor instead and picks up the black lingerie from the bed. It feels simultaneously thrilling and frustrating to dress her – the last thing she wants is to cover up her body, but she's never seen her wear anything like this before and she longs to.
The knickers are slid into place, followed by the bra. She looks so beautiful, so blatantly, wantonly sexual, that it's almost too much.
"Jesus," she whispers, her eyes all over her. And then, "Sorry."
"What are you sorry for?"
"I don't want to treat you like…like some…sex object."
Kate smiles at her, runs a gentle hand across her face. "You'd never do that. You're not doing that now. What happens now, in the fantasies? What do you want?"
"I…touch you. With you…still, um, dressed in the, in it, and I…touch you."
"Yes please."
Kate turns away and she's about to worry before she realizes that she's moving on to the bed. Kate kneels on the bed and moves back against the headboard, still kneeling, facing her.
"Come here and show me what's next."
She looks stunning. Caroline's always felt a few steps behind when it comes to their sex life, their experience and sexual confidence, although even at the very beginning the palpable chemistry between them had seemed to make up for any lack of expertise on her part. And Kate's been so patient. And she's seemed to enjoy teaching her everything she knows…
She kneels on the bed herself, positioning Kate's arms so that she's holding on to the headboard.
"Do I touch you while you're…"
"No. Don't move. Your job is to take all the pleasure and don't move. Understood?"
"Understood," she says, a slight smirk on her face at her sudden assertiveness.
She traces the top line of the hem, testing the fit; there's enough give there to let her hand slide in easily. And that's what she does – slide her hand in gently, touching her curls, and she's about to reach downwards when it occurs to her that they've hardly started, hardly done anything, and she might not be...
"Do you…do you need-"
Kate lets go of the headboard and places her hand over Caroline's, guiding it down. And they might have hardly started but Kate seems very, very ready. She starts up a rhythmic stroking.
"Is this is a fantasy of yours too, Kate? Only you seem to be a little excited."
She moves upwards and traces circles around her clitoris, over and over.
"I can't say that this exact scenario had – oh, there, please stay there – crossed my mind but – mm – the idea of you fantasizing about me like this is so…"
"So what?" The strokes continue, her fingers occasionally dipping down into her wetness, eager to bring her to the edge.
"Sexy. You're so sexy." Her voice is tight with strain.
"I'm so sexy? You should see what I see."
She continues to touch, tracing every inch of her body with her eyes, capturing the image and storing it away. For long, delicious minutes she luxuriates in the pure joy of it all, of seeing the results of her careful handling reflected in her body. Kate's hips have begun to move against her, her face full of need and desire. In her wildest dreams she didn't look this beautiful.
She savours every second of the experience but she knows it can't last, and sure enough it's not long before she can feel the tremors start, the tension stretched to breaking point, and a feeling of triumph runs through her as Kate's eyes slide closed and a shuddering moan fills the air.
Gently she coaxes her through it, giving her as much pleasure as possible before Kate's responses tell her to stop.
Feeling only the tiniest bit guilty she takes advantage of Kate's closed eyes to take one final, long look at her body. An image that will be etched on her mind forever.
Just in time she looks up at her, Kate opening her eyes and smiling leisurely.
"Thank you," says Caroline unthinkingly, making herself blush and Kate laugh.
"I should be thanking you."
"Maybe we'll call it even."
They kiss gently, once and then twice.
"Did you really…you didn't mind that? It didn't feel-"
"It felt wonderful. Being the centre of your attention, feeling you want me, feeling your eyes on me."
"I might consider doing it again some time. I'd be prepared to make that sacrifice. Only if it was something you felt strongly about."
She laughs again, kissing her a final time. "I'll give it some serious thought."
It's Sunday afternoon when her blood runs cold. She arrives at Kate's house much earlier than they'd arranged, Lawrence having had an unexpected invite from Angus to go to the cinema. She'd planned to surprise her, letting herself in with the key that Kate shyly offered her last week, but she's nowhere to be found downstairs.
She's climbing the stairs, wondering if she should have checked the garden first, when she hears something and stops in her tracks. A cry, and then another. She's frozen to the spot for five seconds, until she hears a loud, almost desperate "Caroline" and her mind starts racing – can she still breathe, where's the epipen, where's the phone to call the ambulance – and then she's running to the bedroom door, calling "Kate, Kate, I'm here, I'm here, you're going to be absolutely fine". And then she's standing, stock still, in utter shock.
Kate's lying on the bed, her jeans and underwear pushed down her thighs and one hand buried between her legs, the other on her bare breast that's exposed by her open shirt. They stare at each other, speechless, before Kate grabs at the duvet to cover herself up and Caroline finds her voice.
"God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I should have knocked, I should have…I'll go, I'll get out of your way, I'm sorry."
She exits quickly, closing the door behind her before practically running downstairs and entering the living room in a fog of mixed emotions. It wasn't distress that she'd heard, not someone in trouble. But then…she'd said her name, so that meant she was imagining…and how often did she…and did that mean that their own sex life wasn't…and Christ in heaven, how sexy had she looked with her own hands exploring her body, with her jeans shoved down her legs…
Two or three minutes pass before an embarrassed, slightly dishevelled Kate appears, a blush blooming on her cheeks.
"Kate, I am so sorry."
"Yeah, you said that a few times already." She smiles at her sheepishly; she's gone from sex goddess to adorable in five minutes flat.
"That's because I mean it, I should never have invaded your privacy like that, I wouldn't have done only I thought you were…"
"What?"
"I thought…I was coming up the stairs and I heard you…um…I thought you were having a reaction, you were crying out…and then you said my name and it sounded so…I really am very sorry."
"It's fine, Caroline. I just thought you were with Lawrence."
"He's gone with Angus, some superhero nonsense at the cinema."
"Ah. That explains it."
They smile at each other awkwardly, Caroline feeling rather out of her depth.
"Cup of tea?" Kate asks casually.
"No. Thanks. I'm fine."
"Right."
Another awkward smile. The polite thing to do seems to be to ignore it completely, act like it never happened, but she can't help herself, there are too many questions buzzing around in her mind.
"Can I ask…"
"What?"
"It's none of my business."
"You can ask, Caroline. I'm not promising to answer."
"You said my name, before."
"Yes."
"So…were you…"
"Of course."
"You were thinking about me?"
"Of course I was."
They gaze at each other, Caroline suddenly aware of the sexual tension in the room, the fact that only a few minutes earlier Kate was in the throes of arousal and was interrupted before she could reach orgasm. But they haven't ever talked about this before; she hadn't realized that Kate ever…
"Do you…often…don't answer if you don't want to."
"I don't often. Sometimes I do."
"Why today? I mean, was there something, um, that…or something I'm not doing, that you want, or…"
"No to the second thing. It's…sometimes…sometimes I want you when you're not here, that's all." She shrugs, dropping her eyes to the carpet. "I thought I wasn't seeing you for hours."
"I wish I'd known. I wish…" She's not really sure what she wishes. The image of her lying on the bed flashes through her mind again, the look of need on her face as she...
"You could watch," says Kate abruptly, her eyes fixed on the carpet, one finger tapping on her hip. "If you wanted. Up to you."
Caroline stares at her in shock, completely thrown.
"It's a fantasy of mine, actually," Kate says softly. "Having you watch me. I was going to tell you…"
"Come on," Caroline says firmly, taking her hand and leading her gently up the stairs, her heart beating out a rhythm in her chest, her palms starting to sweat. When they arrive at the bedroom Kate closes the door behind them and then slowly undoes her shirt and then her jeans, taking both garments off and draping them neatly over a chair. She lies down on the bed, wearing only her knickers, in the same position she'd found her in earlier. Caroline stands by the bedroom door, as far away from her as possible in the small room, as if to give her a sense of privacy.
They smile at each other shyly and then Kate groans quietly in embarrassment.
"Whose idea was this again?" she says, covering her eyes with her hands.
"If you're uncomfortable then I don't want you to-"
"I want to. I feel very…exposed."
"You look very beautiful. Keep your eyes closed for a minute. Keep one hand over your eyes and use the other…"
She does, letting out another small groan but trailing her hand slowly down her body and then, after a small pause, under the hem of her underwear.
"That's it," Caroline says, wondering if she's doing this right, if she sounds completely ridiculous. "Take it slow, just do exactly what you were doing before."
Apparently she doesn't sound ridiculous because Kate follows her instructions without a word. She watches in rapt fascination as Kate's hand starts to move beneath the thin cotton fabric. Her nipples are hardened, standing firm on her beautiful breasts; her right hand still covers her eyes.
"What were you thinking about, before?" Caroline says quietly, not trusting her voice to stay steady. "What was I doing to you?"
"Licking me," she says clearly, and Caroline unconsciously licks her lips. Sixty seconds in and she's already realized the terrible flaw in this plan – she can't touch her, and she longs to touch. To kiss. To taste.
"We could do that now. I'll come to you and-"
"Oh, no, no, no, Dr Elliot." Kate takes her hand from her eyes and smiles at her, a knowing look on her face. "You agreed to watch. So watch." The other hand is still moving beneath her underwear; she imagines the slow circles it's tracing, the wetness that's being coaxed from within her.
"You and your ideas," she says tightly.
"You're not having fun?"
"If I have to stand idly by I want to see all of you. My view's obstructed."
Kate slides her hand away, her fingers glistening in the afternoon sunlight, and slips out of her underwear.
"You want these?" she teases.
"Put them down and get on with it."
"Ooh, so impatient."
They share a smile, Kate's hand reaching between her legs again, her embarrassment apparently eased by Caroline's obvious desire. She sighs as her fingers begin to move again, her heels digging into the bed. Caroline leans back against the door and grips onto the handle in an attempt to keep herself still, but she can't control the insistent pulse between her legs or the thud of her heart.
There's quiet for a few minutes, electricity filling the room, the only sounds Kate's quiet sighs and moans and the gradual quickening of her breathing. Their eyes stay locked on each other, Caroline wondering why the hell they've never done this before, wondering how many times Kate will let her see this again in the future.
After several more minutes the moans are getting louder and a tell-tale restlessness is overtaking her body. It's becoming harder and harder to stay still herself: she aches to touch her, to kiss her breasts, her mouth, to be the one who's giving her such pleasure. Her desires must be as clear as day because Kate smiles at her as she reaches the brink of orgasm, before her face begins to contort with ecstasy. It's delicious, erotic, frustrating torture, and as Kate tips over the edge and groans she leans heavily against the door and brings one hand up to feel the burning blush on her neck.
When it's over Kate takes her hand away and lies there panting, recovering her composure. Caroline's composure may well be lost forever; she wonders how she'll ever be around Kate in company now that she's seen what she's just seen.
"Well?" Kate says finally, out of breath. "Was it-"
"We're doing that again," she says firmly. "Frequently. I'll need to see you do that a lot."
"I'd like that. How about next time I wear the black lingerie?"
Caroline's brain explodes.