A/N: Hi to the readers! This story is a re-upload. Some time ago, I took it down to overwork the grammar, and although it´s not completely done yet, I´m going to start uploading the first finished chapters. Hopefully the mistakes will be minor. If not, I apologize for it. I´m still taking English classes, but once a week is not nearly enough to appear as a native speaker, of course.
Warning: The story contains humor, but there´s also kinda dark stuff, like borderline/cutting issues, blood, violence and suicidal thoughts in some chapters. But don´t worry, there will be a happy end. Light is always stronger than darkness, even if it doesn´t always seem so.
His words had hurt her deeply. Sora turned around. Chris shouldn´t see the tears burning in her eyes.
"Alright", she murmured. "Good to know."
Her boyfriend groaned. "So, you are mad at me for being honest, or what?"
The young woman shook her head, unable to answer. She was afraid she couldn´t speak one more single word without sobbing like a heartbroken teenage girl.
Her mind started drifting away...
Newlyweds Bridget and Peter, Soras neighbors, headed off to honeymoon this morning. Kayla, her friend, got married two months ago. And Ann, her working mate, was happily married as well and about four months pregnant.
Sora did not want to have a baby. Gods, far from it. Actually, her opinion on having children offended most people, because she found pregnancy to be the most egoistic attitude a woman could be in. How could anyone with a brain wants to put more souls into that earthly horror? Poverty, bullying, desperateness, diseases, death. Sora cringed mentally. `Why did MY mother put me in here, when she never really wanted me? And if Chris doesn´t want me either... why should I continue on living?´ This planet was anything but a nice place to stay on. And without being backed up by a loving family, those people were meant to end up mentally lost. Exactly like Sora had been feeling for such a long, long time...
"I´m not kidding, Sora," Chris stated from the couch behind her. "I´m not going to marry you. I cannot see myself as a husband right now."
The brunette swallowed the bile that raised up her throat. She noticed the defense in his voice, almost disgust, which made her already tortured mind darken even more.
"You´ve already told me that", she muttered weakly. "But you didn´t listen to what I was saying because I didn´t ask you to marry me right now." Her gaze wandered outside the window to the grey, thick clouds which were covering the sky. It was raining again. And the twilight had began. She turned around to meet the black-haired man in the eye, staring at the face she once adored and loved and that now looked like a grim mask.
"Chris, all I wanted to know," her voice was very low, slightly shaking, "... if you could imagine us together as husband and wife... in general... someday..."
The black haired man shook his head vigorously. "This conversation is ridiculous! What the hell has come over you? We don´t even live together and out of the blue you can´t stop babbling about marriage?"
Sora felt waves of anger raising from deep within. It was this anger that gave her strength to answer in a fierce tone."It was your wish to keep homes separated, Christopher! And that´s another issue that´s been pissing me off for so long! We´ve been a pair for almost three years with 160 miles between us, and we only see each other for twice a month. You know, I feel like..." Sora swallowed down a sob, "... like you don´t love me. At least not enough to marry me someday."
In an instant, Chris hopped off the couch like if he had been bitten in the ass.
"I knew this would happen", he mumbled while hastily slipping into his shoes. "Half your friends are wives now and you are grumpy because you can´t join the club. Sorry, but that´s not my problem."
Sora was speechless for a moment. "Are you deaf?" she finally cried out. "I´m not grumpy! I´m hurt!"
Chris refused to look at her. "Drop it, Sora. I won´t let you putting any more pressure on me."
The brunette stood frozen. Her heart was racing like crazy, bleeding pain with every single beat.`Mum was right...she told me the truth... no man would ever want me because I´m a failure...´ was all she could think while mutely watching him pulling on his jacket, grabbing his bag from underneath the bed.
"I have a life, you know?" he now exclaimed, gesticulation with a hand in the air. "Why should I wanna ruin it with a marriage? I´m only twenty two! I study! I do have plans for my future, but surely not marrying! That´s insane!"
With every word, Sora felt a painful heaviness growing in her head and limbs. It felt like if she was getting the flu. She closed her eyes, recognizing that feeling and knowing what to come. It would soon be morphing into a very welcome numbness. She had experienced that numbness many times in her twenty-five fucked-up years of life.
After her parents divorced.
After her ballet teacher abused her in the changing room.
After her own mother told her the regret of giving birth to her and that no man could ever be serious with her...
Sora hunched over in sudden stomach cramps. She leaned against the wall, desperately fighting her body´s need to vomit. When she snapped her eyes open again, she was alone. Chris was gone. He was gone, just like that. And she knew it would be forever.
The young woman slowly slipped to the floor, with her back against the wall. Her mind wanted to break down and cry, but those familiar numbness was there, protecting her like a velvet blanket, masking the pain with carelessness, along with an overwhelming wish to die. Her head fell sideways slowly, allowing her half-lidded eyes to watch the bending trees in the garden. The clouds were still covering the sky.
It was still raining.
And it was still getting darker.
Though the darkest darkness was not growing outside.
It grew inside her head.