Speaking in Tongues
"What is it?" asked Gwen, setting down her coat and bag and joining the team as they stood around Tosh's computer listening to the strange message Tosh was playing. It sounded like nothing but a series of hisses, clicks, and coughs. "What does it mean?"
Jack shook his head, one hand on his chin as he tried and failed to place it. "I have no idea. Tosh picked it up on a little used sub-frequency. I don't recognize it."
"Of course you don't, it sounds like someone being sick," said Gwen with a grimace.
"It's Heloxi," said Owen.
"And it's a commercial for glimmer pastries," added Ianto.
"What's Heloxi?" asked Gwen.
"And what are glimmer pastries?" asked Tosh.
"And how the hell do you two know that?" demanded Jack. Owen and Ianto were standing side-by-side and exchanged a look he couldn't decipher but could not possibly be good. They shrugged in unison.
"Must have come across it in the Archives," said Ianto with his best attempt at nonchalance. Jack wasn't fooled, but turned and raised an eyebrow at Owen.
"Dissect any Heloxians lately, doctor?" he asked. Owen snorted.
"I wouldn't know one if it walked up to me and offered to buy me a beer," he replied.
"Or a glimmer pastry," murmured Ianto. "Whatever that is."
"And yet you recognize the language?" asked Tosh. She took off her glasses and frowned. "How is that possible?"
"Hidden talents," Owen replied. "Probably picked it up somewhere around here."
"I haven't," said Gwen, and Owen snorted again, this time adding an eye roll.
"Neither have I, and I've been here longer," Tosh pointed out. "Not to mention I write and run most of the language translation programs."
"I didn't even recognize it," said Jack, "and I've been around. So spill. What's going on?"
"Nothing, Jack," said Ianto. "We both just happened to recognize an obscure alien language you've never heard before. It's Torchwood. It happens."
Jack narrowed his eyes and spoke, the language coarse and harsh and just as alien as the extraterrestrial commercial. Ianto rolled his eyes.
"Of course not, Jack. I'd say something if that was the case."
Jack switched languages, this one more rolling and languid. Ianto blushed, while Owen groaned.
"Christ, Jack, we don't want to hear about that."
"Apparently only you and Ianto understand alien languages," said Jack. "Tosh and Gwen have no idea what I just said."
"Lucky for them," muttered Owen.
"What did you say?" asked Gwen. Before Jack could even open his mouth to grin, Ianto spoke.
"All right, something appears to have affected both myself and Owen. We seem to have developed the spontaneous ability to understand alien languages. Any idea how?"
"Sounds like a good thing to me," said Tosh. "Is it something we need to worry about?"
"When we don't know what's causing it or what else it can do, yes," said Jack. "We worry until we know otherwise. Unless you'd like to see Owen covered in green scales and tentacles again?"
"God no," murmured Gwen, barely repressing a shudder.
"Here, here," said Owen.
"Good. Tosh, see what you can find up here. Ianto, do your thing downstairs. Gwen, make sure this isn't happening to anyone in the real world. Owen, let's go run some tests."
There was a collective sigh from the team as they all went off to their respective duties.
~~~*TW*~~~
"All right team, what did we find?" Jack leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers before him as he gazed around the table.
"Nothing helpful of any kind," replied Ianto, then frowned.
"You didn't come across anything in the archives at all?" asked Tosh. Ianto shook his head.
"Nothing yet, as I recall," he answered. Another frown. "Something's wrong."
"This is taking too long," said Owen. "Shit, I just rhymed."
"It's probably a sign," said Ianto, then clamped his hand over his mouth. Jack shot forward, leaning across the table and grinning broadly, unable to resist.
"Is this what I think?"
"I need a drink," murmured Owen. "Damn, I can't talk right."
"Then don't try to fight," said Ianto. He shook his head, but appeared unable to stop himself. "Something has changed."
"And it's totally deranged." Owen jumped up and started pacing. Gwen glanced from him to Ianto with wide eyes.
"Jack, what's going on?" she asked. Owen muttered something about 'I'm gone' under his breath.
"They're talking in rhyme," Jack chortled, and waited for it.
"Jack, we don't have the time!" exclaimed Ianto. He looked liked he wanted to bang his head on the table.
"But why are they rhyming?" asked Tosh, watching Ianto with concern.
"Because we're not climbing." Jack bit back a laugh at the ridiculous response.
"I really don't know," he said, although he had his suspicions.
"This isn't a show!" snapped Owen. "My brain scan was fine, there was nothing out of line." When Jack ducked his head and Tosh grinned, he threw up his hands in frustration. "I can't do this, I have to piss." He stomped out of the conference room. Tosh covered her mouth, as if hiding a laugh; Gwen still looked like a deer caught in headlights.
"Ianto?" asked Gwen. "Are you all right? How do you feel?"
"In a bit of a plight, and quite like a heel," he replied, then silently mouthed a curse. "And out of control, though on a good roll." His lips quirked with amusement even though his brows furrowed in frustration.
"Back to the drawing board!" said Jack, smacking the table as he stood and continued before Ianto could. "Something's doing this. Figure it out."
"Try not to miss, so I don't have to shout," said Ianto. He pushed himself out of his chair, shaking his head. "I'll be downstairs, if anyone cares."
Jack held back a giggle and a grin as Ianto rushed out. Gwen and Tosh just stared at him, wide-eyed again.
"Can't wait to see what happens next," said Jack in a mock stage-whisper.
"I can tell you now, it won't be sex!" came Ianto's voice from the Hub.
~~~*TW*~~~
Two hours later, Jack was getting hungry. He left his office to find Ianto and see about ordering lunch. He considered going out, thinking it might be sort of fun to watch Owen and Ianto struggle with their rhymes in public. But he knew Ianto would probably be mortified, so he just hoped the two men didn't eat in silence if they stayed in.
He wasn't disappointed. When he walked out into the Hub, he heard Owen…singing. Not a song, not exactly…no, he was standing by Tosh's computer and singing about having to sing. Complaining, really, but in song. Oh, this was too good. Owen had a gravelly singing voice, but Jack knew Ianto's was quite nice, having heard it in private a few times. He tapped his earpiece.
"Ianto?" he asked. To his delight, the answer came back in song, and he grinned.
"Can we order lunch now? Then we can go over anything else we've found." He paused. "And maybe record an album or something."
Ianto sang his answer, adding a curse at the end, perfectly in rhythm. He told Jack to order something; Jack refused; Ianto improvised an extremely sexy song about just how he'd return the favor if Jack didn't make him call one of their regular restaurants and sing their order.
Jack went back to his office and picked up the phone.
~~~*TW*~~~
Lunch started out musical, but ended in silence when Owen and Ianto started talking with their hands. As no one else knew sign language, they soon gave up, finishing their wraps quickly before throwing more gestures at one another and leaving with a shared laugh.
Jack was fairly certain the two men were talking about them.
~~~*TW*~~~
Jack decided to check on Ianto in his downstairs office. It had been over two hours since he'd last heard Ianto's voice, and he wondering if perhaps whatever was affecting it had changed into something else-something better, or worse, or even more amusing. Maybe Ianto was talking in limericks or something.
As he made his way into the complex series of storerooms that housed the archives, Jack found himself unexpectedly stopped in his tracks by a voice in his head.
Jack? I still haven't found anything, and I already told you no sex.
"Ianto?" Jack called out loud. "Where are you?"
Right around the corner of the S-stack, answered the voice in his mind. It sounded like Ianto, but how?
Jack walked toward the S-stack and found Ianto on a ladder, digging through the carefully arranged boxes on the top shelf of the metal scaffolding that was their storage system. He didn't even turn around.
Did anyone find anything?
Jack waited silently until Ianto finally looked at him.
What?
"You're not actually talking out loud, you know," Jack pointed out. Ianto looked confused, and Jack tapped his head. Ianto looked even more puzzled.
You mean, I'm talking to you telepathically? When Jack nodded, Ianto climbed down from his ladder and stood in front of him. Huh. Does it hurt?
"Of course not," said Jack. "It's not like you're forcing your way into my mind. You're just communicating. A lot of species communicate that way."
Better than rhyme, I suppose, said Ianto. Or singing. His mouth didn't even move, as if he'd been communicating this way for years. Jack had experienced his fair share of psychic exchanges, but this was certainly unique. And strangely intimate.
"I liked the rhymes," said Jack. "And the singing. Although I like this too."
Think it works both ways? asked Ianto, a sly smile on his face.
I don't know, said Jack, thinking it in his mind and trying to convey his words to Ianto. Can you hear me now?
Ianto's eyes went wide. Jack, this is incredible! Jack could feel the excitement in the other man's words. We're talking to one another telepathically.
Frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. Jack laughed quietly. Being Torchwood, you'd think we'd run into this sort of thing sooner or later.
Ianto moved closer, a small smile curving his lips. So if I have telepathy, do you suppose I have telekinesis as well?
Doubt it, Jack replied, hating to break Ianto's bubble. Whatever's doing this to you and Owen is something that seems to affect speech and communication only.
Too bad. I'd really like to…He cut off, but not before Jack had the mental image of Ianto simply waving a hand and causing Jack's clothes to disappear, one by one. Jack couldn't help but grin and stepped closer, instantly turned on by the thought.
I'd really like that too, he mentally replied. Maybe we can find something in the archives that can do that. He sent back his own vision of him doing something very similar to Ianto and was rewarded with a mental moan.
We should probably figure this out first. Ianto didn't sound convinced of it, but thought it anyway.
I thought you liked this, Jack suggested. Ianto took the next step, reaching out to run a finger up and down Jack's braces, as if teasing at the idea of lowering them.
I do. It's sexy.
Jack caught his breath. What is?
Being inside your mind like this. Being able to communicate directly. It's…
Intimate, finished Jack. Ianto nodded thoughtfully.
Erotic, he added.
Jack closed the distance between them so that they were face to face, their hips moving forward automatically to connect. Ianto's hand finally slid first one, then the other brace down as Jack wrapped his arms around the man's waist.
We can talk and still do all sorts of other things at the same time, he said, nuzzling at Ianto's neck, at the point just below his ear where jaw met neck. He nipped and licked, all the while keeping a mental commentary going, and Ianto made his first sound since Jack had entered the archives, groaning out loud.
Concentrate on those other things, Jack, said Ianto in his head. Jack felt rather than saw Ianto smirk as he began to throw image after image of them-most quite explicit-at Jack until he was so hard he couldn't take it anymore. He blocked Ianto's thoughts, earning him a wide-eyed look of surprise, then began sending even more explicit visions to the Welshman.
It was too much for both of them. Hands scrambled at shirts and trousers as all mental chatter cut out in favor of those other things. Lips crashed together, small moans escaping into the silence of the archives. And both of their visions came true as they connected both mentally and physically with a mind-blowing orgasm that left them satiated and exhausted.
~~~*TW*~~~
When Jack finally returned to the main part of the Hub, it was only to find Owen barking like a dog. Gwen and Tosh were laughing hysterically on the sofa. When Ianto came upstairs several minutes later, he stopped, stared, opened his mouth, shut it, and turned right back around.
They didn't see him for at least another hour.
~~~*TW*~~~
"Talk to me, kids," said Jack. "Tell me you've got something."
"Jack, I think I might have found a lead," said Ianto. Just as at the first meeting in the conference room, Ianto frowned after speaking, shook his head, and continued. "I came across a file from Torchwood Two."
Something was off, but Jack couldn't put his finger-or ear-on it. "Go on."
"A small device once came into their base," said Ianto. "A box of black and white with many lights."
"And have we seen this box around the Hub?" asked Owen. Ianto raised an eyebrow.
"Alas, I have not seen such tech, have you?"
Jack was confused; Gwen was staring yet again. "It's iambic pentameter," said Tosh, covering a giggle. "They're speaking in iambic pentameter."
"You mean, like Shakespeare?" asked Gwen. Jack covered his mouth to hide his laugh; it just kept getting better and better.
"I hardly think the Bard would not approve," said Ianto, pausing for a breath. "We're simply speaking properly, for once."
"We sound as if we're poncy men in tights," said Owen. "Damn, it's worse than barking like a dog."
"I love it," said Jack. "And tights would be even better." Ianto rolled his eyes.
"I think I liked it better with my mind," he replied. "And no, I will not don a pair of tights."
"Don?" asked Gwen. "We need to solve this before we can't understand them at all!"
"We need to find this black and white box," said Jack. "And turn it off."
"Why is it just affecting Owen and Ianto?" asked Tosh. "If it's here in the Hub, why aren't we all affected?"
They were silent for a moment as they pondered the question. "When did this start?" asked Jack. "Just this morning, right?"
"I wasn't rhyming 'fore I came to work," snapped Owen.
"So…this morning," said Jack. "I was out with Tosh, and Gwen…"
"I had a meeting with the florist. I got in just before ten."
"So Owen and Ianto were here alone for a while," Jack murmured. "And you didn't see anything, do anything, touch anything?"
"I was on the phone with our new mayor," said Ianto. "Smoothing over Torchwood's latest case."
"A package was delivered up the stairs," said Owen. Everyone turned to look at him. "I took the box and placed it on the desk."
"What desk?" asked Tosh, at the same time as Jack asked, "What package?"
"It's in the tourist office, go and see," said Owen. All of a sudden his face blanched. "I think the package came from Torchwood Two."
"You didn't think to tell me it had come?" demanded Ianto. "You left it there for anyone to find?"
"Gwen walked in, bemoaning flowers and cakes," said Owen. "It slipped my mind 'fore I could tell you true."
Jack sighed. "Gwen, go get the package. Carefully. I'm betting we're going to find a black and white box inside. Tosh, get ready to study it. Owen, you're an idiot. We don't leave potential alien tech lying around our very public tourist office front."
Gwen left, hurrying upstairs while Tosh dashed off to her computer and began getting it ready for whatever tests she'd need to run. Owen grumbled to himself.
"Ianto, my office," said Jack. He loved Ianto's Welsh accent, but hearing it in iambic pentameter just about put him over the edge. He was pretty sure he'd have another mind-blowing orgasm if Ianto were to read sonnets to him. He was almost certain he had a book of poems somewhere…
~~~*TW*~~~
"That seems to be it," Tosh said. She sounded unimpressed and frustrated at the same time. "Four buttons, and I have no idea what any of them do." She paused. "Blue, green, purple, and white. I don't even know if one of them is an off button, since our off buttons tend to be red!"
"MAYBE ONE IS A SCRAMBLE BUTTON?" asked Owen. Gwen winced, for she was standing next to Owen and took the brunt of the noise. Tosh shrugged in response.
"There could be, since you do seem to be cycling through different sorts of speech patterns."
"JUST TRY ONE," said Owen, but Ianto turned to stare at him.
"ARE YOU DAFT?" he demanded. "WHAT IF IT SCRAMBLES MORE THAN OUR VOICES?"
"DO YOU WANT TO KEEP SHOUTING LIKE THIS?" asked Owen. "OR BARK LIKE A DOG? OR SING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?"
Jack watched the two men with an amused look on his face, sensing exactly where this was going.
"TRY IT, TOSH," said Ianto.
"Which one?" she asked, glancing not at Ianto, but at Jack. He shrugged.
"What's your favorite color?" he asked.
"Purple," she said.
"Hit it," said Jack. "If something changes, Owen's theory is confirmed. We've got a scramble button and three other chances to turn it off."
"Jack, what if it's not a scramble button, but a…a silencer? Or a self-destruct?" Gwen looked extremely concerned, as usual.
"Is it a self-destruct, Tosh?" asked Jack. Tosh shook her head.
"I couldn't detect any sort of protective technology or programs that would do something like that."
"IS IT SAFE?" asked Ianto. He winced at the sound of his own voice.
"WHO CARES," shouted Owen. "JUST DO IT!"
Ianto nodded, Jack nodded, and Gwen threw up her hands in resignation. Tosh took a deep breath, pressed the purple button, and looked like she just hoped for the best.
"Did it work?" asked Gwen after a moment.
"Nid wyf yn gwybod*," said Owen. His eyes went wide. "Uffern gwaedlyd*!" he exclaimed. It was clearly some sort of curse.
"Beth sydd o'i le*?" asked Ianto. Gwen's head snapped up.
"Dim byd*," snapped the doctor. "Ac eithrio fy mod yn siarad Cymraeg erbyn hyn*!"
"Gallai fod yn waeth*," said Ianto. "Gallai fod yn Ffrangeg*."
Owen snorted, and Ianto grinned.
"Jack, do you understand them?" asked Tosh.
"They're speaking Welsh," said Gwen. "I know some from school, but it's been a while."
"Owen is swearing, and Ianto is making fun of the French," offered Jack. "I think we just confirmed the scramble button. As much as I love Welsh, how about we try the another button?" Before Tosh could do anything, he stepped toward Ianto and whispered in his ear.
"Ydych chi'n siarad Cymraeg ar eich pen eich hun*?"
"Unrhyw beth ar eich rhan, Jack*," whispered Ianto.
It was Owen who groaned.
"Dywarchen i ffwrdd, Harkness*," he said. "Rhowch gynnig ar y botwm arall. Rwy'n casáu Cymraeg.*"
"What did he say?" asked Tosh.
"Try another button," said Gwen, then frowned at Owen. "And there is nothing wrong with Welsh, Owen!"
"I'll say," murmured Jack. Ianto smirked at him.
"Yn ddiweddarach, teigr.*"
This time Gwen groaned. "Hit the blue button, Tosh. I don't want to listen to them flirt in Welsh."
Tosh looked at the three men, who all nodded. She took a deep breath and pressed the button, then turned back and waited. Everyone looked at one another.
"Well?" asked Gwen.
"Ianto?" asked Jack.
"Jack?" asked Ianto…but he sounded different. Gwen's mouth fell open as Ianto's eyes widened and his head whipped back and forth in denial.
"What's wrong?" asked Owen. He no longer sounded like a Londoner, however; he sounded more like he was from New York. "Well, shit."
"I'll say," said Gwen. "You sound like a gangster!"
Owen rolled his eyes. "Because gangsters only come from New York?" he asked. He turned toward where Jack and Ianto were staring at one another. "Come on, Ianto. Let's hear yours. I bet you'd make a good gangster."
Ianto shook his head vociferously. Jack took a deep breath and laid a hand on Ianto's arm.
"It's all right," he said. "We'll fix it, whatever it is."
Ianto gave him a look that clearly doubted the veracity of that statement.
"Just say something already!" said Owen. He grinned. "I could get used to this one."
"No way," said Tosh. "It's horrible."
"It does suit you, though," said Ianto. The voice that came from his mouth was still the same clear baritone, but the rolling Welsh accent was gone, replaced by…
"Lord have mercy!" crowed Owen, slapping Ianto on the back and mocking the Welshman's new accent. "We've got ourselves an honest-to-goodness southern belle right here in the Hub, folks!"
"Sod off," Ianto muttered, then grimaced, the British vocabulary sounding terrible in his new accent.
"Give us a country song?" asked Owen. He affected his own Southern drawl again, which clashed horribly with the broader Bronx accent, and started singing "Whiskey, Women and Wine." He burst out laughing, his honest amusement-as opposed to his usual bitter snark-bringing a smile to everyone's face, even Ianto.
"Go on, Ianto. Let us hear a bit," said Gwen. "We won't laugh."
"Frankly, my dear," said Ianto, eyes now twinkling. "I don't give a damn."
This time everyone laughed, except for Jack. He looked almost stricken.
"Where are my Welsh vowels?" he whispered. Owen snorted.
"Try the green button, Tosh," he said. "Put Harkness out of his misery."
Tosh pressed the green button with a resigned sigh and waited. Owen opened his mouth to check and see what effect it might have had, but no sound came out. He waved his hands at Ianto to try, and Ianto was equally silent.
"I'm guessing there's a language setting, an accent setting, and a silent setting," said Jack. "Which leaves the white button. Hit it, Tosh. Let's turn this thing off for good."
This time Tosh looked to Owen and Ianto for confirmation; they both nodded. Tosh closed her eyes, took a breath, and pressed the last button on the mysterious box. No one spoke for at least thirty seconds.
"Let's hear it, boys," said Jack, half-dreading, half-looking forward to whatever change might happen. Ianto cleared his throat.
"I think," he started, then grinned. "I think we're back to normal." His voice sounded familiar-pitch, tone, and accent all intact.
"Thank god," said Owen. "I was starting to imagine all sorts of even worse scenarios for a moment there."
"Worse than barking like a dog?" asked Ianto. He couldn't seem to stop smiling, apparently quite glad to have his own speech back.
"Way worse," said Owen. "Now, what is that thing and how did this happen?"
"Some sort of language device, obviously," said Tosh, staring at the box. "And I'd guess something got damaged in transit, it went off in the package upstairs, and since you and Ianto were the only ones here, you were the only ones affected."
"Strange that it didn't affect everyone else when they arrived," pointed out Ianto. Jack shrugged.
"It's alien. Who the hell knows how it works. Tosh, you want to keep poking it?"
"Oh, definitely!" she exclaimed. "It could be a tremendous help with translations, whether with an artifact or an alien. If I could figure out-"
"-how the hell it works?" finished Owen. He rolled his eyes. "A black box with four buttons and no instruction manual. Good luck!" He turned and headed toward the medical bay, whistling jauntily. Jack narrowed his eyes, watching him, then turned to Ianto.
"No, I'm not going to start whistling," he replied in answer to Jack's unanswered question. "I think it's over."
"Too bad," murmured Jack. "It was fun while it lasted."
"For you, maybe," said Ianto. "Although you didn't seem to like that last one."
"I liked the telepathy," Jack replied. Ianto inclined his head in agreement, but before he could say anything, Gwen stepped in.
"You could talk telepathically? When?"
"It was several hours ago," Ianto replied. "Down in the archives." Jack wagged his eyebrows at Ianto and was rewarded with a smirk.
"Right," murmured Gwen. "I don't want to know. Well, now that's solved, can we head home now? It's past dinner…"
"…and the Rift has been thankfully quiet all day with even less predicted for tomorrow," finished Jack. "Everyone go. Tosh, leave it for the morning, or you'll have nothing to do all day."
"Aren't you staying, Jack?" asked Tosh, sounding confused at being dismissed so early.
"Nope," he said, grinning. "Not tonight. Everyone take the night off and come in when you can tomorrow." He paused, his grin growing bigger. "Ianto, a fyddech chi'n hoffi cael cinio gyda mi?*"
"Pwdin yn fy fflat, yna?*" replied Ianto.
"Mae hynny'n dibynnu. Beth sydd ar y fwydlen*?" asked Jack.
Ianto winked as he turned around and began cleaning up the area. "We're not supposed to flirt in Welsh, Jack."
Owen groaned from the medical bay. Gwen shook her head, while Tosh grinned as she hurried to gather her things and leave.
Jack took the box with four buttons up to his office. He was about to lock it up when he changed his mind. Perhaps he'd bring it with him. It might not be working correctly, but they might still have some fun with it later. Jack would love to find the telepathic setting again.
Or maybe something even better…
Welsh Translations:
*Nid wyf yn gwybod - I don't know
*Uffern gwaedlyd! - Bloody hell!
*Beth sydd o'i le? - What's wrong?
*Dim byd - Nothing
*Ac eithrio fy mod yn siarad Cymraeg erbyn hyn! - Except that I now speak Welsh!
*Gallai fod yn waeth. - It could be worse.
*Gallai fod yn Ffrangeg. - It could be French.
*Ydych chi'n siarad Cymraeg ar eich pen eich hun? - Do you speak welsh on your own?
*Unrhyw beth ar eich rhan, Jack. - Anything for you, Jack.
*Dywarchen i ffwrdd, Harkness - Sod off, Harkness.
*Rhowch gynnig ar y botwm arall. - Try another button.
*Rwy'n casáu Cymraeg. - I hate Welsh.
*Yn ddiweddarach, teigr. - Later, tiger.
*Ianto, a fyddech chi'n hoffi cael cinio gyda mi? - Ianto, would you like to have dinner with me?
*Pwdin yn fy fflat, yna? - Dessert at my flat then?
*Mae hynny'n dibynnu. Beth sydd ar y fwydlen? - That depends. What's on the menu?
Author's Notes
The Welsh translations were done via the internet, translated by one site and double checked with another. I am not Welsh and sincerely apologize if any of these are truly awful attempts at such a beautiful language!
This story was originally planned as a series of drabbles about different gaffes with alien tech that affected Owen and Ianto. It was also inspired by Dr. Seuss, if I recall. And then expanded through fun conversations with Tamaar, who looked it over as well. Thank you! And thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed the silliness! Don't you wish you could actually hear them rhyming and speaking Welsh?