We're All Mad Here
Hello readers. This will be the Borderlands 2 one-shot I had offered on my poll. I'm sure that some of you may be wondering why I am pumping out this one-shot instead of starting a chapter for one of the other stories I should be working on. My reason is a combination of writers block and I find it easier to finish this off so that I may put more time and effort into my other works. Now, as to the nature of this story, it is partially a background to Krieg the Psycho as well as an alternate take on Tiny Tina's Tea Party mission. I do not own Borderlands 2 or the cover image. R&R and Enjoy!
***Sanctuary, Moxxi's Bar***
"Let's see." The buxom owner of the bar said, carrying a tray of assorted drinks to a full table. "We have a whiskey and cola for Axton."
"Much obliged." The Commando said, accepting the drink with his right hand while his left was slung over his girlfriend's shoulder.
"A strawberry daiquiri for Maya." Moxxi continued, giving a conspiratorial wink to the Siren for her choice in boyfriend.
"Thank you." The Siren answered, smiling back before taking a sip from her drink.
"Four shots of tequila for Salvador."
"Thank you kindly, senorita." The Gunzerker replied, giving the bar owner a lecherous look over before accepting his order.
"The usual nothing for Zero." Moxxi tutted.
The Number/Assassin made no indication that he had heard her comment.
"A house root beer float for Gaige."
"Thank you, Ms. Moxxi." The Mechromancer said sweetly before taking the drink with her mechanical limb.
"And finally, one bottle of my home brew ale for Krieg."
"THE CRAZY TRAIN IS NOW LEAVING THE STATION!" The Psycho exclaimed loudly before taking his drink.
Who are these strange people that make up this ragtag group of individuals, you may ask? They are Vault Hunters. Each one has a different story for how they came to Pandora and how they earned the hatred of the corrupt and slightly crazy Handsome Jack.
Currently, our brave Vault Hunters have just returned from a mission to retrieve some Echo Recordings for the resident scientist in the floating city of Sanctuary, Dr. Tannis. She hadn't explained what material was on the recordings but, then again, she never really explained anything in a clear or rational way. Their journey had taken them to the Hyperion Wildlife Preserve, where the multi trillion dollar corporation had conducted Eridium and Slag research tests on both animal and human test subjects. It was quite a haunting experience, to say the least. The inside of the facility was full of creatures that had been heavily mutated by the experimentation. Everyone seemed to be affected by the experience.
Axton, while appalled at the heavily mutated creatures, claimed them killing the animals was a mercy by putting them out of their misery. Maya and Gaige shed a few tears after seeing several Skag pups howling in pain from their cages. No living creature should have to experience that sort of pain, they thought. Zero remained quiet as always, never showing any emotion whatsoever. Salvador seemed the least concerned out of the group, simply looking forward to the pay they were expecting.
It was Krieg's reaction to the place that threw the others for a loop. He was quiet. Normally, the others of the group would be thankful for this reprieve from his constant yelling about "SALT THE WOUND!" and "YOU AREN'T LOOKING AT ME WHEN I STARE AT YOU!" No, he was silent. Solemnly silent. Nobody could figure out why. Every so often, Maya would see their psycho friend walk over to an experimentation table or holding cell and simply look at it. When she or Axton asked him what was the matter, he ignored them and walked away. The strangest thing that had happened during their journey was when they entered a lab with a blown out wall. If it wasn't for Gaige, the entire group might not have noticed that their crazy friend was gone. He was standing in the middle of the room, gazing out the hole. He glanced down at one of the tables, gently running his fingers over the dusty surface before slumping his shoulders. To the group, it seemed as if their friend was…crying. Their huge, psychotic, occasionally lovable lunatic was crying. Then he did a complete 180 and began to hack and slash at the test tables, his buzz axe cutting the sheet metal like it was butter. Almost as soon as he started, he stopped, breathing heavily. He turned back to the group, blinking a few times before exiting the room.
"Hey, big guy." Maya asked, putting a hand on Krieg's shoulder. "What happened? What was up with you in that room?"
Slowly, his masked face turned towards her. He blinked once before replying.
"I don't remember." He said gruffly before walking away.
Back to the present, the group was trying to figure out what to do now.
"I say we turn these recordings in so we can get paid." Salvador said, polishing off his last shot of tequila.
"I say we listen to them. See exactly why the good doctor is interested in these recordings." Axton countered.
"TINY TINA'S TEA PARTY!" Krieg exclaimed.
The other Vault Hunter's turned and gave the resident psycho an incredulous look. It was a moment before Salvador burst out laughing, banging his fists on the table. Gaige was giggling up a storm. Zero was silent. Maya put her hand to her mouth to hide her growing smile. Axton simply shook his head in amusement.
"I'll bite. Why should we go to Tina's Tea Party?" The Commando asked.
"She invited us." He stated.
"Krieg." Maya said softly, "That was over a month ago, when Sanctuary was still on the ground. I'm sure she already had it."
The Psycho slumped his shoulders in defeat.
A vote was taken and they decided by a 4-2 vote to listen to the ECHO recordings.
"This is Doctor Samuels. Conducting slag experimentation on subjects obtained from *sigh* Hyperion informant Flesh-Stick."
At this, Krieg sat up in his chair and leaned forward to hear the recording better.
"Subjects include one adult male, age thirty, one adult female, age twenty-nine, and one adolescent female, age 5."
From the background, the Vault Hunters could hear the silent whimpers of the little girl.
"Mommy. Daddy. I'm scared."
Another voice in the background answered, presumably the father.
"Don't worry, sweetie. Everything will be just fine. Just keep your eyes closed."
"Today we will be injecting the adults with half a liter of liquid slag while the girl will receive 50 milligrams of slag orally." Doctor Samuels continued.
"You bastards promised you wouldn't give our daughter any slag!" The husband yelled.
"Funny thing about promises. The can be easily broken." The voice of Handsome Jack said. "Be grateful I'm not pumping her full of slag like you and your wife."
As the ECHO ended, the group had looks of horror and disgust.
"That son of a bitch kidnapped families for his experimentation." Axton growled.
"I don't think I want to hear the rest of them." Gaige said, looking a little pale.
Maya nodded, reaching over to remove the ECHOs from the table before she felt someone grab her hand.
"Play the next one." Krieg said, his breathing heavy.
"They probably sound the same, Krieg. Just some torture porn for Tannis to get off on." Maya said.
"PLAY THE NEXT ONE!" He yelled, rage evident in his voice.
Surprisingly, it was Zero who reached over and started the next ECHO.
"This is Doctor Samuels. We are continuing our testing of slag on the three test subjects. The adult male has already shown signs of mutation. He has grown about an inch and a half and has developed a mild case of schizophrenia since his last dose. The adult female has started to change from fair skinned to a shade of green, implying possible corrosive mutation. The adolescent female has had no major physical changes but seems to have developed a minor dual personality."
"Daddy, I don't want to take the awful pill again." The girl cried.
"Don't worry, Tina." The father said, trying to soothe his daughter. "Once they finish their tests, we can have a tea party, just like in Alice in Wonderland."
"Tina?" Maya asked. "You think they are referring to Tiny Tina?"
"Maybe." Axton said. "Could explain some things."
While this was going on, Krieg was in his own little word, muttering to himself.
"Don't cry, sweetie. We'll get out of here." The Psycho whispered.
"Chop chop, Samuels. Inject the parents and feed the brat already." Handsome Jack said impatiently.
The doctor sighed before the sound of a switch being flipped was heard.
The Vault Hunters were sickened when they heard the simultaneous screams of both the mother and father on the recording. In the background, the little girl named Tina was crying.
Suddenly, Krieg stood up from the table, yelling at the top of his lungs. The other Vault Hunters jumped at their friend's outburst while the other patrons of Moxxi's bar cowered in fear.
"Krieg, calm down." Axton said, trying to rest a hand on the Psycho's shoulder. Krieg shoved him to the floor before he began to scratch at the old, bloody, and tattered gauze wrap on his right upper arm. Once it came off, the Vault Hunters could see open and infected looking needle marks. Then he dropped down to the floor on his hand and knees and began to punch the floor boards.
"I'LL KILL YOU ALL! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Krieg yelled.
Thinking fast, Maya stood up and used her Phaselock on the Psycho.
"You need to relax, Krieg. Nobody is trying to hurt you." She said.
For a few minutes, Krieg tried to fight off the stasis. After a minute, he eventually calmed down.
"You know what this is, sweetie?" He said to nobody in particular.
"Who is he talking to?" Gaige asked, a little frightened by his previous actions but relaxing now that Maya had things under control.
"Not talking." Zero said. "Remembering."
The others gave the Number a curious look, not completely understanding what he meant.
"That's right." The Psycho continued. "Tediore Fastball. You need to hide it under your skirt. Don't use it until Mommy and Daddy tell you to."
"I think," Axton said as he stood up and dusted himself off, "You can let him down now."
Maya nodded her head before ending her Phaselock. Krieg dropped to the floor, breathing heavily. He remained like that for a few moments before finally standing up. Turning towards the bar, he passed his friends, not giving them a second glance. When he stopped at the bar, he glanced at Moxxi for a moment before pulling out his wallet and placing $200 before her.
"I hope this covers the floor's hospital bills." The Psycho said before exiting the establishment and making his way towards the Fast Travel Station.
The bar owner was stunned and puzzled by the Psycho. Normally, she would always be stunned by the many crazy and odd things he did and said. Occasionally, he would break a bar stool or scratch up her tables and the other Vault Hunters would have to pay for his mess. However, after seeing his breakdown and him paying for his actions, she was curious to know what brought about this change.
Stuffing the money down between her breasts, Moxxi came out from behind the bar and sat in the chair previously occupied by Krieg.
"What happened?" She asked simply, letting them know she wouldn't be leaving them alone until she got her answer.
"I believe our answer lies within the final ECHO recording." Zero stated.
"What about Krieg? Shouldn't we wait for him to get back?" Gaige asked.
"I have a feeling he has more important things on his mind right now." Axton said before reaching over and starting the last recording.
"This is Doctor Samuels. Continued slag testing on the three subjects has shown varying results. The adult male has grown another inch and half in height and his muscle mass has drastically increased. This may imply that slag could be used as a sort of stimulant or enhancer with more testing on different subjects. The side effect is that the schizophrenia has become more pronounced, especially as the tests are proceeding. The adult female is another story, her skin is now an almost neon green. In several areas on her body, the skin seems to have burned away as if by highly corrosive acid. Tests on her blood and skin cells show that her body is slowly but surely breaking down. If my hypothesis is correct, she will expire due to the slag poisoning or from her body melting completely. Finally, the adolescent female has remained relatively stable. The only thing of note is that her dual personality has become more pronounced and it seems to be fascinated with explosives."
"Stop hurting my Mommy and Daddy!" Tina shouted.
"Samuels, if you don't shut that brat up and give her the slag treatment, you won't ever see your family again." Handsome Jack threatened.
The sound of a switch being flicked and the screams of pain began.
"I'LL KILL YOU ALL AND MAKE A BICYCLE CHAIN FROM YOUR INTESTINES!" The father yelled before breaking out into hysterical and disturbing laughter.
"No." Salvador said, not wanting to believe the conclusion he was coming to.
"It can't be." Maya whispered, a single tear falling from her eye.
"GAAAHH!" The wife screamed, her voice sounding as if she was choking on some liquid.
"The adult female is rapidly deteriorating. Should I stop the testing, sir?" Samuels asked.
"Hell no! This is starting to get entertaining! It's like that one scene from The Evil Dead." The crazed company owner replied.
"Tina! Remember the thing Mommy and Daddy told you to hide up your skirt?" The mother choked out.
"Yes." She sobbed in reply.
"Mommy wants you to pull the pin and throw it at the nearest wall. Run and never look back!" The woman said.
"But what about…" Tina began to ask.
"NO! Do what Mommy said." The father yelled. "Whatever happens, know that Mommy and Daddy will always love you!"
"Samuels, what the hell are they talking about?" Jack asked.
"RUN TINA! RUUAAAGGHH!" The mother yelled before the sound of her choking and retching muted her.
For a moment, all that could be heard was the continued torture of the father, Tina's sobbing, and the sound of some liquid splashing on the floor.
Then, with a fierce shriek, there was a deafening explosion.
"THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?" Jack yelled. "Samuels, get in there and investigate."
"Sir, there had been a security breach. The girl escaped by blowing out one of the walls. I'll send security in to investigate…"
"Samuels, I gave you an order. Go in and investigate the remaining test subject. The girl is of little importance. I want the father contained and put to further testing. And if what I'm seeing on my screen is correct, send in the janitor to clean up what is left of the mother." Jack interrupted in an uncaring tone of voice.
"But sir, what if the test subject attacks me? I have nothing to protect myself with." Samuels weakly asked.
"Do I have to come with everything for this company? Grab the buzz axe beside you and threaten him or something."
There was the sound of muffled footsteps and heavy breathing before a door in the background opened.
"Test subject seems to still be contained on the table." Samuels stated. "I'm going to attempt to inject him with a sedative to…"
Suddenly there was the sound of choking followed by a disturbing.
"WELCOME TO OUCHTOWN! POPULATION: YOU!" The voice yelled.
Samuels let out a strangled scream before they heard the sound of a body being tossed on the ground followed by the sound of repeated beatings could be heard. With each thud of what one could only assume was the buzz axe, it started to sound like the father was pulverizing raw meat. After two solid minutes of this, the beating stopped. Heavy breathing could still be heard.
"I AM THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN!" The father yelled before breaking out into maniacal laughter.
"Holy Shit! You just turned Samuels into ground beef." Jack said. "Now, be a good little test subject and let the security team…wait WAIT! Damn it! All security teams, we have an asset on the loose. I need him captured alive."
With that, the ECHO recording ended. There was a long silence at the table, only broken by the sobs from Gaige and Moxxi.
"So that explains why those two are crazy." Salvador said.
Maya responded by smacking him upside the head with her charged hand and glaring at him.
"What? I was only explaining the truth." He said, rubbing the spot where the Siren hit him.
"What do we do now?" Gaige asked, wiping a few stray tears from her eyes.
"I don't know about you guys but I'm going over to see if Tannis knew about this?" Axton said, pulling out his Jacobs Law and making sure the cylinder was full.
"Count me in." Maya said, drawing her Maliwan Incendiary pistol.
"Me too." Gaige added.
"I will follow." Zero said.
"As long as we still get paid, I'm in." Salvador relented.
"I'll see if I can't get Mordy and the others to back you guys up." Moxxi added.
"Wait." Gaige said, stopping everyone in their tracks. "What bout Krieg?"
The Commando sighed before replying. "I got a feeling I know where he is heading. If my hunch is correct, he'll probably want some alone time and will come back to us when he is ready."
***Meanwhile, With Krieg***
Running. That was all Krieg was concentrating on at the moment. As soon as he had been deposited in Tundra Express by the Quick Travel Station, he made his way towards Tiny Tina's Workshop.
Was he sane again? No. Far from it. He doubted he would ever be sane again. He had simply remembered what he had repressed.
"BURN, BABY! BURN!" He yelled as he fired his incendiary rifle at the larval varkids emerging from their hive. He had no time to be held up by dealing with them.
The insects shrieked and howled in pain as they burned alive. Once the last of them were nothing but ashes, he continued his run towards the workshop. His breathing was heavy and ragged but he kept on going.
Finally, after ten minutes, he entered Tiny Tina's Workshop. His head felt lighter than air and his vision was going in and out of focus. Nearing her bedroom, he could hear the little girl humming a tune.
"You are a naughty girl, Princess Fuzzybutt. I'll keep it a secret between the two of us. Lord knows what Sir Reginald would think if he knew you were trying to steal me from him." The girl giggled.
Slowly he walked towards her room and peered in. Inside, he found Tina on her bed, playing with a doll she made from miniature clothing and a hand grenade. She was wearing a sleeveless pink shirt and baggy orange pants. Over that was her brown leather work apron and her pink bunny bib tied around her waist. Her messy blonde hair was all over the place except for two pink bows on either side of her face. On the left side of her head, there was a psycho mask strapped to her head.
When she turned to look at who had entered, her face went through several emotions in a few seconds. Surprise, delight, sadness, worry, and hope, just to name a few.
Krieg just stood there, trying to catch his breath. They looked at each other for a few seconds until Krieg finally broke the silence.
"T…Ti…Tina" He said.
"Daddy?" The little girl asked.
With that, Krieg's world turned black as he slipped in to unconsciousness from exhaustion.
***Back at Sanctuary***
The Vault Hunters, both old and new, and Moxxi entered the Crimson Raider HQ after meeting and showing the ECHOs to Roland, Lilith, Mordecai, and Brick. It was interesting to see the various reactions the older Vault Hunters had. Roland was mostly furious, having grown fond of Tiny Tina despite her unusual attitude. Lilith did her best to keep it together but couldn't help the few stray tear dripping out of her eyes. Moxxi broke down again after hearing the entirety of the three ECHOs and buried herself into Mordecai for comfort while the Hunter did his best to soother her while glaring daggers at the recordings. Brick was also crying. Hey, even the big guy has a soft spot for his small friends.
As they stepped through the door, they saw the good doctor writing furiously in a notebook. Upon hearing them enter, she looked up and put on her usual air of superiority.
"About time you simpletons returned. I was starting to think that the beasts had devoured you." Tannis said, extending her hand to collect the ECHOs.
Instead, Axton and Maya pulled their pistols and aimed them at her head.
"We have a few questions for you, Doctor." Axton growled.
Fear flickered through the crazed scientist's eyes before she turned to Roland.
"Are you going to allow these barbarians to threaten me like this, Roland?"
Roland gave her a hard glare before answering. "I think we would all like an explanation for what we just heard."
"What are you blabbering about?" The doctor asked, getting frustrated at their vague answers.
"The ECHOs you had us collect." Gaige spoke up. "Did you know what was on them?"
"Of course I didn't, you silly girl. Now, I had an idea that they might be over the Hyperion slag testing but that was as far as my guess went." She replied. Looking around, she noticed that someone was missing.
"Where is that hulking, slobbering, idiot companion of yours?"
"He left after listening to your torture porn." Maya said with disgust, tossing the recordings on the nearest table unceremoniously. With that, the younger Vault Hunters exited the base, leaving Roland, Lilith, Mordecai, Brick, and Moxxi with Tannis.
"Simpletons, the lot of them. They don't seem to understand how serious my research is." The doctor huffed.
"After listening to those, I don't blame them for giving you the cold shoulder." Moxxi replied. "I'll see you later, Mordy"
Giving Mordecai a quick peck on the lips, the bar owner took her leave.
"Did you have to insult them all like that, especially Krieg?" Lilith asked.
The doctor sighed. "You know I barely tolerate any of you. They are just going to have to accept that."
Lilith stormed off upstairs, tired of trying to talk sense into the deranged scientist.
"I would hope listening to those ECHOs might change your attitude but something tells me not to get my hopes up too high." Roland said, shaking his head before following Lilith up.
"Well? Are you two idiots going to try and insult me as well or are you just going to stand around like statues?" She asked.
"Let's leave Frankenstein to her science project, Brick." Mordy said before exiting the base with Brick following close behind.
With that, Tannis went to work on listening to the recovered the ECHO recordings. What she heard was…mildly bothersome.
She had hypothesized several different outcomes that could result from Slag testing so she wasn't too surprised to hear what happened to the Psycho, his late wife, or Tiny Tina. It was morbidly fascinating to her. Had she still retained some of her own sanity, she might have reacted differently such as how the Vault Hunters had.
Still, from the recordings and various written notes on the ECHOs, Tannis might begin researching on a possible cure for Slag poisoning and experimentation.
"With any luck, I can turn that psycho into a somewhat civilized being." She muttered to herself. "Or I can work on a serum to temporarily turn him into a Badass Psycho for brief periods of time. Either or."
***Tiny Tina's Workshop***
"99 psychos fighting with the skags. One fucked up and was torn to rags."
Groggily, Krieg woke up. The first thing he saw was a bright shade of pink covering the entirety of the room he was in. Following that were the various tools and explosive pieces that littered the workbench off to the side of the room.
"Ugh. My frontal lobe is aching." The Psycho growled, sitting up in the bed and rubbing the side of his head.
"That's what happens when you collapse from exhaustion and shock and land face first." A little girl responded.
Looking to his right, he saw Tiny Tina messing with the Ammo Dump machine she had. She turned to look at him. Her eyes, which normally appeared to flick around to anything that seemed mildly interesting, were glued to the man sitting on her bed.
"I was beginning to wonder when you would remember." Tina said. Her voice was calm and even, unlike her usual hyper and childlike tone.
"How much is that doggie in the NO! NO!" Krieg began to say before he stopped himself. He began to hit the side of his head repeatedly with his fist, trying to focus.
"The one with the waggly tail?" She replied before she began to laugh. To an outsider, it may have seemed like normal laughter but to the Psycho, it was like angelic music.
Taking a deep breath, Krieg tried again. "How did…you know?"
The 13 year old girl walked over and sat down beside him.
"You haven't really changed much since I last saw you when I escaped from the labs. Even with the experimentation, I can still tell it is you without your mask on."
Shocked, his hands immediately went to his face. The experimentation and the following years had disfigured his face. He was surprised to feel his mask on his face.
"Sorry. Guess I should have asked you when you woke up." She said, looking down at the ground.
Not wanting to see her discouraged, Krieg picked up the 13 year old, set her in his lap, and wrapped his arms around her. Tina was overwhelmed by his show of affection and let lose the tears she had been trying to hold in. For years, she had thought her parents were dead from the experimentation Jack had performed on them. Her only solace had been her lack of Sanity and maturity and allowing her work on explosives to consume her time. Now, though, her father had come back. Sure, neither of them were the same and probably would never be the same after the slag experimentation they had endured. Still, they were together again.
*DING*
"Oh snap! My crumpets is done!" Tina said, jumping out of Krieg's lap and rushing over to her…forge? Grabbing a set of tongs, she pulled out a tray that had surprisingly perfectly cooked crumpets on it.
"So…you wanna have a tea party with me?" The girl asked, giving the Psycho her best begging face.
Krieg was silent for a few moments before he began to laugh. Not his usual maniacal laugh but more of a normal, jovial sort of laugh.
"Anything for the lady." He said before scooping up the girl and twirling her around.
***2 Weeks Later***
The five remaining Vault Hunters had waited patiently for the return of their lunatic friend. Jobs came and went. Raids on Jack's Eridium Mines continued. Yet Krieg did not return. It wasn't until a few hours ago did they receive an odd invitation.
They were relaxing in the Crimson Raider HQ. Axton was field cleaning his rifle. Zero was sitting quietly in a corner. Maya and Gaige were playing a card game. Salvador had made the mistake to ask Tannis what was the time, leading her to give him a lecture on seemingly meaningly knowledge he never needed to know. It was the entrance of Roland that broke the monotony.
"I think we found our missing psycho." The leader of the Crimson Raiders said. In his hand, he held an ECHO device, painted pink and covered in glitter. The five gave him a curious look before gathering round to hear the message.
"Greetings, Sir Roland. You are cordially invited to a tea party, located at my workshop. You may bring on guest of your choice *COUGH* Lilith *COUGH*. Anything you would like to add, Daddy?"
"INDUBITABLY!" The voice of Krieg yelled. They heard their friend clear his throat before continuing in a clear yet hilarious version of a pompous and dignified aristocrat.
"I would also like to invite my friends Sir Axton and his date, Lady Maya, Lord Zero the Silent, Duchess Gaige and her creation Deathtrap, and Salvador the Jester."
"Jester? That pendejo has the nerve to call me a..."
"Yes he does." Maya said, laughing at their friend's humorous slight. "Let him be, Salvador. This is about Krieg and Tiny Tina."
The Gunzerker grumbled his reply, reluctant to accept the name he had been given.
"You coming Zero?" The Siren asked?
The assassin nodded before standing up and making his way to the rest of the group. Collecting their gear for the short trek they would have to make through varkid territory, the four Vault Hunters plus Roland and Lilith made their way to the Fast Travel Station. Along the way, they ran into Brick, Mordy, and Moxxi who had also gotten invitations. Brick, the lovable giant, seemed to be going stag while Moxxi was hanging off Mordy's arm.
One teleportation and thirty minutes of walking and fighting off the local insects, the group finally made it to Tiny Tina's Workshop. For the most part, the explosive laboratory/teenage girl's living area seemed the same except for the long table now set up in the middle. At the head of the table was what looked like an electric chair hooked up to the main generator. To the right of it was a glass jar containing a baby varkid that had a mustache and monocle glued to the surface and topped with a top hat. To the left of the torture chair was what appeared to be a stick grenade dressed in a doll's dress. There was the clatter of fine china from the bedroom area of the workshop and out came Tiny Tina. She was dressed in her normal attire and carrying a large tray, laden with a tea pot, several cups and saucers, cream, sugar, and a mountain of crumpets.
"Ah! The guests have arrived!" The 13 year old exclaimed, carefully setting the tray down before rushing over to her friends.
"Ladies, Gentlemen, and Salvador..."
"Hey!" The Gunzerker exclaimed before receiving an elbow in the gut from Gaige.
"Welcome to my tea party! Allow me to show you to your seats while we wait for my father and the Guest of Honor."
"Guest of Honor?" Lilith asked. "I thought we were the only ones invited."
"Nope." Tina said, popping the p as she led the Vault Hunters to their respective seats marked by name cards. It was Roland who noticed what was written on the card for the Guest of Honor and quickly relayed it to others.
Written in fine cursive, the card read,
The Bastard that Captured and Tortured My Family and I
"LUCY! I'M HOME!" Krieg yelled from the entrance.
In walked the Psycho. He was wearing his usual attire of orange prisoner pants and his mask with two exceptions. Around his neck, he wore a black bow tie and on his head he had a bowler hat. From a distance, he seemed to be carrying a ragged sack of some sort. As he got closer, however, it turned out he was carrying someone. A very angry someone by the sound of it.
"Let me go, you son of a bitch! You're supposed to be on our side! Not working with the skag licks." The captured man screamed. From his attire, he too seemed to be a psycho. He had tattered brown pants and a mask covering his face, tattoos covering his body and a tall, red mohawk.
"Daddy! You brought our guest of honor!" The girl said, rushing to Krieg and wrapping her arms around his waist. "Would you kindly set him in the comfy chair so we may begin. Also, I believe a slap to his bitch face would stop his complaints immediately."
The sharp looking psycho ruffled Tina's hair before complying with her request. He shoved the still complaining guest into the electric chair, strapped him in, and swiftly back handed him.
"Ow!" the mohawked guest complained.
"Excellent!" Tina exclaimed before rushing to the generator and turning it on. The large piece of equipment hummed to life.
"Let me see..." Tina said, holding out a remote before pressing the red button in the middle.
"AAAGGGHHH!" the Guest of Honor screamed as electricity coursed through his body.
"It works!" The girl exclaimed before skipping to her seat and sitting down next to Krieg. "Now our tea party can begin."
"Uhh, Tina?" Roland asked, cautiously looking at the psycho strapped in the electric chair. "Who is our 'Guest of Honor'?"
"Where are my manners?" Tina said, a look or surprise spreading across her face. "Let me introduce Flesh-Stick. He is a Hyperion informant who captures families not living in designated safe areas and turns them in for Slag experimentation. His hobbies include Shakespeare, masturbating, burning people alive, and ruining childhoods."
"I remember you now, you blonde cunt! I sold you and your family years ago!" Flesh-Stick said.
Krieg shot out of his seat, buzz axe in hand.
"Now, now, Daddy." Tina said, gently patting the friendly psycho's arm. "You promised you would wait until after the tea party."
Krieg let out a deep sigh before settling back down into his chair.
"What was that, Princess Fluffybutt?" The 13 year old asked, tilting her head to the dressed up stick grenade. "Oh my. What a saucy rumor, indeed."
Roland chuckled as he and the other Vault Hunters helped themselves to tea and crumpets. "What is the rumor, Tina?"
"Oh nothing. Just something salacious talk going through the grape vine." The girl said, waggling her eyebrows as she said it.
"And what saucy and salacious things did the princess hear?" Lilith asked as she took a sip from her tea.
"That you like doing butt stuff with Roland" Tina said casually.
The reactions was instantaneous. Roland and Lilith did a spit take right into the faces of Brick and Salvador. Axton and Maya began to crack up. Gaige tried to hold in her giggles. Mordy was slowly rubbing his temples, trying not to let the mental image form in his head. Moxxi was lightly chuckling at the newfound information. Finally, Zero remained quiet.
"WHAT!" They both exclaimed, now glaring at the 13 year old.
"Who told you that..." Roland began before Lilith punched him in the arm.
"ROLAND! You aren't supposed to confirm the rumors!" She hissed at him.
Laughter spread among the Vault Hunters at this slip of the tongue.
"Never thought she would be into that kind of thing." Axton said, earning him glares from the now embarrassed couple.
"You have something to add, Sir Reginald?" Tina said, breaking up the current conversation and leaning towards the tiny varkid in a jar.
"Axton and Maya had sex in Roland's bed on a drunken dare?" She gasped.
"YOU WHAT?" Roland yelled.
Now it was the Commando and Siren's turn to look ashamed.
"When did this happen?" Lilith asked.
"After the Wilhelm incident but before Sanctuary was flying." Maya whispered.
"I like this game!" Salvador laughed, banging his fists on the table. "Whose next?"
"I did hear tale that you actually took Tannis up on her offer for sex and that it ended up being a 5 hour lecture with only 30 seconds of actual screwing." Tina said nonchalantly before taking a bite of a crumpet.
"Plot twist!" Krieg loudly stage whispered. "I told her that one."
The entire table (minus Flesh-Stick) erupted in laughter. Salvador was going red with embarrassment and anger.
"Well...What about..." He tried to say, pointing towards Zero. The Assassin looked back, knowing there was nothing to make rumor about him.
Realizing that Zero was out, Salvador turned his attention to the Mechromancer "Or what about school girl? Surely you must have something on her."
"Hmm. I did hear she made out with Axton while he was sleeping with Maya" Tina said.
Gaige blushed crimson before attempting to hide her face.
"I thought I was dreaming about making out with you." Axton said, turning towards his girlfriend.
"Too cute." Maya chuckled before giving Gaige a reassuring pat on her back.
"Well...Well..." The Gunzerker said, knowing he was running out of options on who could take the embarrassment away from him. "You haven't talked about bird boy and the bar maid."
"What is there to talk about?" Moxxi spoke up, smirking at Salvador. "Mordy gets to make love to me every night while you don't"
Everybody burst out laughing. Realizing there was no way of getting out of this, Salvador pulled out a flask from his jeans pocket and poured some of the liquid into his tea before downing it in one shot.
"Let me go, you horny mother fuckers!" Flesh-Stick yelled.
The Vault Hunters came back to reality, looking at their psychotic guest.
"I do believe that it is time for our party to come to an end." Tina said, dabbing her mouth with a napkin before standing up and walking towards the man in the electric chair.
"Bring me Maggie!" Krieg said as he also rose from his chair.
"Yes, Daddy!" Tina said before skipping to her room. A moment later, she came out with two pistols in hand.
"I found Ms. Maggie being naughty with Lord Thunderball." Tina giggled before handing over the revolver to Krieg while she kept the other pistol to herself.
The two walked towards the man in the chair. Everyone now had their attention on the three, morbidly fascinated on what was about to happen.
"Listen! If you don't let me go, my friends and I are going to pump you full of lead before..."
A shot rang out, shortly followed by a scream of agony.
"Daddy. You are supposed to ask him a question before you shoot him." Tina chastised.
"Oh right." Krieg said.
"What color is my underwear?" The Psycho asked before shooting the mohawked prisoner again.
"Come on. We talked about how we would do this." The 13 year old girl said, gently poking Krieg in the arm.
"Alright." Krieg moaned. "Why do you always have to be such a buzz kill?"
"Hey! No back talking, mister!" Tina said.
Standing straight, The Psycho leveled the revolver at Flesh-Stick's head.
"I'm going to ask you one question. Answer it correctly and the pain stops. Answer incorrectly and it will be the only thing you feel for the rest of your miserable life."
The captured man panted heavily before nodding his head.
Taking a deep breath, Krieg calmly asked, "What did my wife look like?"
The other Vault Hunters were shocked at his question. They had assumed it would be another of his crazy and out there ramblings. Yet the actual question hit them like a freight train.
To their surprise, Flesh-Stick began to laugh maniacally.
"Now I remember you and your daughter clearly. I kidnapped you years ago. Looking back, I regret not waiting a couple hours before turning you in. Your wife looked like a whore. A bitch that I could have fucked over and over again in front of you two. Hell, after I finished with her, maybe I would have taken a ride on your pretty little girl as well. Virgin pussy is so hard to come by, these days." The mohawked psycho said.
"Hmm." Krieg finally said, breaking the shocked silence that had befallen the group. "I did not expect such an honest response." Turning to the Fourth Wall, he asked, "Did you, readers, expect that answer?"
"Who is he talking to?" Salvador asked Axton. The Commando simply shrugged in his confusion, not knowing what to say.
"Now I answered your question. Let me go now!" Flesh-Stick demanded, rattling around in his chair.
The room was silent for a few moments before shots rang out. Flesh-Stick screamed in agony as Krieg and Tiny Tina emptied their bullets into the imprisoned man until the only sound that was being made was that of the hammers falling on empty cylinders.
"You...Fucking...Bastards." The miraculously still alive Flesh-Stick mumbled. "Burn...In...Hell."
"Say hi to Jack for us when he joins you." Tina said before pressing and holding down the button on her remote.
"GAAAAHHHH!" The mohawked psycho screamed as electricity passed though him. Smoke began to pour from his ears and his hair caught on fire. The workshop filled with the putrid smell of burning flesh. After a few minutes of this, his body spontaneously combusted and disintegrated into a pile of ash.
Everyone was quiet, unable to believe the emotional pain the father and daughter must be going through. The silence was broken by the soft whimpering coming from Tina.
Krieg got down on his knees and pulled her into a hug, gently rubbing he back with his right hand.
"Shh." He said softly. "It's over now."
Tina continued to sob, tears streaming down her face and onto her father's shoulder.
It was Maya that got up and embraced Tina from behind, followed by Axton. Roland and Lilith were quick to join in the group hug. Mordy stood up with Moxxi and they both put their hands on the girl's shoulder. Gaige managed to wriggle her way into the group hug. It was when Brick wrapped his huge arms around everyone surrounding Tiny Tina and Krieg and squeezed them tightly that the group hug came to an end.
Sniffling, Tina wiped the tears from her eyes before looking around at her friends. Even though Salvador and Zero had not joined them, she knew their hearts had gone out to her.
"Best tea party ever." She whispered, a smile crossing her face.