A/N: Woo, first Futurama fic! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish I owned Futurama!
Why Hermes Hates Zoidberg
Hermes was sat in his office, filing paperwork and humming. After several seconds of this, a dead whale with a nametag reading "Mushu" crushed the left wall of his office, narrowly avoiding the bureaucrat.
"Sweet Whale of – of Wales! That's one average-sized whale! I'd better report this," he said, turning to one of the two remaining file cabinets, labelled "Everything Else" to pull out a form, when the whale's fin flopped down onto him, and crushed him.
"OW! My spine! I need that to limbo! Oh well, better get the form," he sighed, trying desperately to reach another filing cabinet which read " "Accidental" Employee Death Reports".
"Hey, Hermes, have you seen a-" Fry asked, as he casually walked into Hermes office, "Oh. See, I can explain that. You see, me and Bender were playing Blernsball, and he said the ball was too small, so I said-"
"Fry, what's going on here?" Leela asked, as she entered the room, closely followed by Bender. She too spotted the situation.
"Oh my God! Hermes, are you ok?" she asked, as she rushed over to Hermes' side.
"I will be. Could you hand me a form?" he asked, pointing at the cabinet.
"Come on. We'd better get you to Dr. Zoidberg," she said, trying to lift him up.
"No! Please! Ok, don't get me the form, whatever, but please don't take me to see that slimy shrimp-man!" he cried, but Leela ignored him, and strained herself trying to lift him.
"Wow, Hermes, you've gained weight. Fry, Bender, could you give me a hand?" she asked, and the three of them combined just managed to carry Hermes to the doctor. Just.
"There you are, good as new," Zoidberg said, as he placed a piece of sticky tape down Hermes back.
"Wait, I just thought, wouldn't it have made more sense for Hermes to have taken some anaesthetic before you cut him completely open?" Leela asked casually.
"Excuse me, who's the doctor here?" Zoidberg asked.
"Obviously not you, you lousy shrimp, you left six bones out!" Hermes cried, showing the supposed doctor parts of his own spine.
"Ok, fine I'll take another whack at it. Why can they never be happy?" Zoidberg sighed to himself.
"Get away from me, you – you ugly crab-thing!" Hermes cried, backing away from the crustacean that he was running out of synonyms for, and he began beating the lobster with a rubber haddock he found somewhere.
"Hey, Hermes, how come you hate Zoidberg so much?" Fry asked.
"That's obvious. He's poor, ugly, slimy, stinking-" Bender began, but Leela interrupted him.
"Not to mention stupid, but I think I see Frys point. You really seem to hate him, more than any of the rest of us. How come? And how come you don't fire him if you hate him so much?" Leela asked.
"The Professor likes to keep him around to throw food at," Hermes answered, stopping his attacks and putting his shirt back on.
"What, he's right! We used to be such good friends, then one day, you hated me, what did I do?" Zoidberg asked.
"Don't act like you don't know! You stole my manwich!" Hermes cried, resulting in a dramatic music cue, and gasps from the surrounding employees.
"What?! No, never! I wouldn't have done that! I might now, but not then! I've never had a manwich in my life!" Zoidberg cried in his defence.
"Oh, then I suppose Captain Robotson lied then!" Hermes cried.
"Wait, didn't you ever think to check security footage?" Bender asked, and everyone gasped.
"I never thought of that!" Hermes said, lightly slapping himself.
Shortly, in the conference room, Hermes turned on the monitor and put in the relevant yet ancient videocassette, and pushed play. The screen showed a plate with what appeared to be a sandwich on a plate, and a man in an orange spacesuit (not that the cameras showed it) came on and ate it.
"Who's that?" Bender asked.
"Captain Robotson!" Zoidberg cried.
"Oh my! Zoidberg! I'm sorrier than a green snake facing a sugarcane farmer. Can you ever forgive me?" Hermes asked.
"Forgiven, forgotten, whatever, I've still done worse things to you," Zoidberg said under his breath.
"Great! Come on, old friend. Let's go sort out your paycheque and multiply it by a couple of hundred thousand," Hermes said, putting his arm round Zoidberg's shoulder, and leading him to his still partially destroyed office.
"Ah. Looks like the end of another interesting story in our lives," Fry said, leaning back on his chair and resting his feet on the table, before falling back with a loud "Whoa!"
Cue the writer's cheat of a montage of photos with the cheapest song to licence available, with photos such as:
Hermes and Zoidberg with their arms round each other's shoulders in the Planet Express office, both laughing and smiling.
Hermes and Zoidberg with their arms still round each other's shoulders, at Dwight's birthday party, Dwight and LaBarbara not appreciating Zoidberg's gift of a live lobster, He
Hermes and Zoidberg with their arms still round each other's shoulders in the middle of the street, wearing "I'm with stupid" t-shirts, which pointed to the other, both still laughing and smiling.
Hermes and Zoidberg on the same street, getting mugged by Roberto who took the previous photo, both still laughing and smiling.
Hermes and Zoidberg with their arms round each other's shoulders in line for Luna Park, still laughing and smiling.
Hermes and Zoidberg on a Roller Coaster at Luna Park, Hermes about to puke, Zoidberg still laughing and smiling.
Hermes and Zoidberg beating up Craterface, still laughing and smiling.
Hermes and Zoidberg getting thrown out of Luna Park by Smitty and URL (proving once again that they alone police the entire universe), still laughing and smiling.
Shortly, back at Planet Express' office…
"And due to John's pay now being 1054.3 higher, the following employees will now receive pay cuts of 210.86: Fry, Leela, Bender, the Professor, and Scruffy," Hermes announced at another Planet Express meeting. Zoidberg looked smugly at the mentioned employees, who glared at him. Amy meanwhile didn't take any notice.
"Hold on! I don't get paid anyway! I pay you!" the Professor cried, pointing sharply at Hermes.
"Eh…right, right," Hermes said. He tore off the bottom half of the paper and ate it.
"Anyway, Hermes, we'd better leave, we don't want to be late for the incredible blockbuster movie, that none of these people could afford to see," Zoidberg said, and the duo left, arms round the other's shoulders, laughing and smiling.
"This blows! How am I supposed to afford to get into the gym now?" Fry asked angrily and rhetorically.
"Since when did you go the gym?" Leela asked.
"Since there was an eye-sized hole in the wall between the men's and women's changing rooms," Fry replied.
"Those two are starting to get on my nerves too! Whenever I want to hit something, Hermes drops some "regulation" on me and says leave Zoidberg alone! And Zoidberg keeps on acting all high and mighty like he's all rich and I'm not, just 'cause he is!" Bender cried.
"Very well, there's only one thing to do. Fry, Leela, Bender, you'll have to find a way to break their friendship up!" the Professor said.
"Why aren't Scruffy and I going to help?" Amy asked.
"Oh, very well. Good news, everyone! Amy and Scruffy have decided to finally do something to try and earn their pay!"
Cue another cheating writer's montage, with the Pink Panther theme, as Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Scruffy try to make Hermes and Zoidberg argue so they stop being friends, in that order.
Fry tried a simple approach and wrote each of them a note and attached it to their lockers, which they found both at the same time. Hermes read "I hate Hermees" and Zoidberg's "I hate Zoydburger", both with a footnote of "From the desk of Philip J. Fry". Hermes and Zoidberg laughed, scrunched up their notes, and threw them away.
Leela laid a trap to try and catch Zoidberg, with a bucket of mackerel heads and a simple wooden cage. When Zoidberg found it he shook his head, and took some bluefish tuna (the most expensive fish in the world) heads from his pocket and ate them instead.
Bender tried the good old fashioned approach of beating the tar out of Hermes with a steel pole, but failed as he found out Hermes new replacement spine (which Zoidberg had inserted after learning how to) was in fact made of steel as well.
Amy attempted to bribe Zoidberg, saying she'd give him a better offer than Hermes was if he did something to ruin their friendship. Zoidberg, with his high moral values rejected.
Last up to try was Scruffy. He waited until Hermes passed him in the corridor, and attempted to persuade him.
"Dump the lobster," he said.
"No," Hermes replied bluntly, and continued on. Scruffy grunted to acknowledge his failure.
"Well. I guess that's it. We'll just have to accept their annoying friendship," Fry sighed.
"Fry, who are you talking to? There's nobody here that didn't already know that," Leela pointed out. The two of them, Bender, Amy, Scruffy and the Professor were sat around the table, until Zoidberg came in, closely followed by Hermes carrying his lunch box.
"Here, John. I had LaBarbara make an extra manwich for you," Hermes said, opening his lunchbox and handing the lobster a sandwich.
"Oh, Hermes, I couldn't!" John said, trying to politely refuse.
"I insist! Just make sure you leave me one! Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go in the next room for no apparent reason," Hermes said, leaving the conference room, and Zoidberg to his sandwich.
"Um, this delicious! And that's even compared to other normal food!" Zoidberg cried, as he gobbled up his manwich.
"Really? Let me try," Fry said, and he took the other manwich in Hermes lunchbox and quickly ate it.
"Hey, yeah, that is great!" Fry agreed, just as Hermes re-entered the room.
"WAH! My manwich! What happened to it?!" Hermes cried, rushing over and trying to empty his empty lunchbox.
"Eh, I think Zoidberg ate it," Fry answered casually.
"What?! How could you, you double-crossing green snake!" Hermes cried.
"Wait! No, friend! Fry did it!" Zoidberg cried defensively, raising his claws in front of his face.
"What?! Accusing innocent Fry of a misdeed?! That's the last straw! Take this, you filthy crawdad!" Hermes cried, producing a rubber chicken from nowhere, which he berated Zoidberg with.
"And that's the end of that chapter," Bender said conclusively, puffing on a cigar.
A/N: I hope you liked it…please R&R.