The Backstage Raccoons Chapter 1
Written by Brother Ralph
'Yikes!' Wildly riding a converted unicycle and with no steering control at all, Bert Raccoon sped down a rocky slope and into a small pond. Lifting his face from the water a frog jumped unceremoniously off of his head.
'Are you alright Bert?' Ralph asked anxiously from the bank.
'Of course I'm alright Ralph, er, just taking a solo ride is all.' Bert smiled and acted as though it was all intentional.
Running up to join Ralph on the bank, Melissa said seriously 'You know Bert I think we should have a little talk'.
'Talk? Nah, let's ride!' Bert cried still wanting to try out his invention a little more.
'What Melissa wants to talk about Bert is…our private time'. Ralph supported his wife's serious tone.
'Our Private time?' Bert asked 'But Ralph I love our private time! Why, I even love our private time when Melissa is with us too!' Bert joked with him causing Melissa to place her hands on her hips in an annoyed fashion.
'Oh I meant our private time Bert' she said with frustration. Bert looked a little disappointed as he started to realise what his friends were saying. 'Well you said it yourself Bert. We eat together, we work together, we do everything together!' At this point Bert bowed his head with the sad realisation that the couple wanted to be alone for a while. But Melissa continued her speech with 'You're never on your own! Why if I didn't know better I'd think you were afraid to be by yourself!'
As soon as the words left her mouth they all knew this was the wrong way to handle Bert. He immediately perked up to defend himself. 'Afraid?! Me!? Bert Raccoon? Hah! Why I'm not afraid of anything! I even go to sleep without a night light! And let me tell you somethin' else, I don't need anybody! I can do just fine by myself thank you! I was just doing you guys a favour 'cause I thought you needed the company.'
'Oh Bert, I didn't mean it that way,' Melissa said, wishing she could take back her final sentence and glancing uncertainly at Ralph.
'I think I know pretty well how you meant it. And I think I know when my friends don't want me around!' he said and stormed off, tramping through the water and the weeds.
Behind him Ralph called 'Come on Bert! Let's be sensible!' but he took no notice and kept walking.
'CUT!' was shouted from behind the rows of cameras. The three Raccoons relaxed again. It had been an intense scene and Melissa had really wanted it to be perfect. As the director came over and stood in front of them he was silent.
She couldn't wait and the question they all wanted answered came bursting out of her 'How was it?'
'One word Melissa…..brilliant!' The three sighed out their relief that they wouldn't need to do the scene again.
'Oh I felt horrible with all those things I said to Bert. You're sure I didn't make it sound too harsh?' Melissa worried over the details. Her character had been played by another raccoon in the specials, and this was only the second episode she'd shot. As she hadn't had much of a speaking part in the first episode she really wanted this one to be spot on.
Bert came to stand behind her and placed a friendly paw on her shoulder. 'Hey, don't worry about it, I think I'll survive it.' He returned to drying himself off with the towel the crew had thrown him. Ralph had taken the opportunity to light up a pair of cigarettes and handed one to Bert.
'Cheers buddy.' He said giving him a playful nudge and then taking a drag.
At this point the new producer came to introduce himself to the team. He was a huge bear. 'Hello, everyone. I would just like to say I have been such a massive massive fan of you guys in the specials and I was thrilled when you got a series.'
The team tried not to laugh, or at least they tried to hide it. Ralph and Melissa raised their hands to cover their mouths and Bert tried to hide behind his friends ears. Even the director couldn't help smiling. It was just such an odd sight, that this producer was one of the biggest bears on the team and his voice was just so…..well…..camp!
'Now I know what you're laughing at and honestly you needn't hide it, laughter is healthy. Now, Melissa, darling you looked spectacular when you were angry. A real firecracker, you were a tiger…grrraaoow.' As he made the noise of a tiger he made a clawing motion with his hand that just completed the image and the director had to turn away pretending to study the scenery while his bobbing shoulders gave away his stifled laughs. 'Now if you'll just follow me I'll show you what I think our animators should do to 'improve' your images.' The giant bear said before striding off with his arms bent at the elbow and pointing upwards.
Ralph walked beside Melissa and whispered quietly to her as they followed the producer. 'Now he has got to be the gayest bear ever.'
Melissa gasped in feigned shock 'Really? I hadn't noticed. Don't be mean, he seems lovely.'
'Melissa, darling when have I ever been mean?' Ralph joked playfully putting on a camp accent.
'Seriously Ralph stop it,' she giggled 'He might only be bi, or even asexual.'
'Asexual?' Ralph asked 'You mean he breeds by splitting in half and becoming two?'
'No silly!' She laughed at his question. 'I mean he might just not be interested in anyone. Some people aren't you know.' Melissa had only spent a short time with Ralph so far, and him and Bert had known each other way back so she was the newcomer. But Ralph never failed to make her laugh and she genuinely loved working with him. They had already shot the bicycle ride scene and they had all agreed that the couple had a natural chemistry to make the relationship on screen more convincing than ever.
They all went silent as they listened to the new producer rattle on about airbrushing this or trimming that or adding light shades and dark shades. The three Raccoons passed the next half hour watching a master at work.
By the time he had finished, he had made them into more beautiful versions of themselves. Melissa had to admit that she wouldn't mind some of those changes to herself in real life.
But it was also the end of the day and people were packing up to leave. As they passed some of the crew one of the cameramen, a young meerkat called Simon, stopped and said.
'Bye Melissa.' in an uncertain voice.
It took her by surprise as she had barely spoken to him before, 'Oh, er, bye Simon.' As she spoke to him his face reddened and he smiled at the floor. Then he hurried off with the rest of the crew.
Bert sidled up to her. 'Looks like Simon's got a bit of a crush on you, gel! He's a nice lad Simon, bit shy though. Most meercats are like that, too used to being surrounded by family I guess. Just needs some confidence in his individuality is all.'
As the gang went into the cloakroom to get their coats and brave the cold evening air they bumped into Cedric and Cyril.
'Hey guys!' Cedric hailed them, 'we heard you took a great take for the opening scene. We just finished our scene in Cyril's office. Have you seen the kid playing the young Cyril Sneer in the flashbacks? He's the spitting image of pop!'
Cyril looked down at the floor and shook his head 'What chance is the poor lad going to stand in life?' he mocked himself willingly. On stage Cyril was the best villain the gang could have hoped for, but away from the cameras he was a witty and funny aardvark always willing to be the butt of a joke if it made people laugh.
The group smiled at his jest and then as they collected their coats Bert proposed that the group go out and do something tonight. 'Hey, I got a great idea! We can go to that new club on Walnut Street. It's the opening night, bound to be a good party.'
Melissa was about to say that she was a little tired and that parties really weren't her scene but when Ralph agreed to go she decided it might be fun. Anything to spend some time with the group, she was having a lot of fun getting to know them. Especially Ralph.
'Sorry,' Cedric said, 'But Sophia set me up on a blind date tonight. Maybe another time.'
'You want to come Cyril?' Ralph asked
'Me? Ha, well that's very kind of you Ralph but I'm a bit old for discos now. You young pups go have your fun but I'll be happier to get home, eat and sleep in front of the telly. See you tomorrow'.
The group said their goodbyes to them and went their separate ways.