I hate falling in love…. I've done so a lot of times, and every time I end up getting hurt in some way…

The worst part is I do this to myself. I fall in love, and tell no one about anything. I've always been that way. Closeted…

That's right. I'm a 17 year old male Lucario named Adam. Who happens to be gay. I've only ever fallen in love with guys and the reason I end up getting hurt is because I never tell them. I never tell anyone.

My first love was a boy I was close friends with. I don't know I was in love with him. I just got the feeling of wanting to be close to him. And kept picturing us kissing. Which I pushed back and denied. He ended up going to another school.

My second was a boy I had become friends with a few years later. It was the first day, and I happened to be placed in the seat right in front of him. We shared many things. Interests, humor, and even hobbies. My feelings for him were only met by confusion. I didn't know what love was. He was taken by another one of my friends. A girl at that. Heh yeah it took me a while to recover from that one.

My third was a few years after that. He was the one actually flirting with me. Like actually flirting. Saying all these sexual things, walked by and touched my face. As a "joke" he told me he loved me. And finally the day came. This was when I finally began to realize what loving was. I wanted to be with him forever. But I fucked it all up. He asked me if I was gay. In front of my entire class. I was so scared that I angrily said "no" and left the class. The first boy to actually like me back, and only pushed him away out of fear. And I hate myself for it.

With all of these I told no one how I felt. No one even knew I was hurting inside. Outside I looked happy and go lucky. A jokester. But inside a storm was brewing. I was doing what I did best. Saying nothing, and waiting. Waiting for the pain to go away.

My final love interest was one of my coworkers. I was a waiter at restaurant near my school. He's done things that no one has done for a long time. Showed kindness and caring. Toward me. No flirtatious behavior, nor just being friendly. He actually showed that he cares about others. And to me that makes him special. A Blaziken named Jason. He was only 3 years older than me. And he drove me crazy with confusion. I'd known him for almost a year and still barely know anything about him. I only knew the small stuff like his favorite color, and his birthday and stuff like that. The only thing I knew is that I loved him and it confused me. How could I fall for someone when I barely know them? It was the things he did, things he's said. I'm just going to tell the story like it was instead of the short version…

I worked at a restaurant that was on the top floor of a hotel. It was the only job I could find at the age of sixteen. My manager, a Watchog had shown me around the entire restaurant and trained me. All that was left was to meet my coworkers.

They were all happy to be working with me, and excited as well. But he stood out. Everyone else had come up to me and greeted me. But he didn't. He only stood there. He looked at me and gave me a wave. Not a word spoken. He scared me at first and I did my best to avoid him, focusing on my work. I did glance at him occasionally since I did happen to think he was very good looking. For a Blaziken anyway. I told myself not to go near him. Not to take any chances and fall in love again. And it worked for the first few months. Until we started speaking. It happened on a busy day. I had a large group and there was too much food for me to carry.

"Can someone help me?"

Everyone was too busy. Except him. By then I had learned his name and I was only slightly interested in him. I nervously went up him while he was giving the cooks his order and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey J-Jason? Could you help me out?"

I pointed to the several plates waiting to be taken out.

"There's too much for me to carry."

He patted my head and smiled.

"Sure! I'd be glad to."

I was a little confused. Before that day we had only exchanged greetings as we clocked in and out. And he barely spoke to me during the day.

We both managed to grab all of the plates and bring them out. When we got back in the kitchen I made sure to thank him.

"Thanks Jason. I really appreciate it."

He smiled again.

"No problem. If you ever need help again be sure to ask me first. I'll do it no matter what! Okay?"

That struck me right in my heart. But like always it confused me. Was he being nice? Or did he truly care for me? It was strange because he never helped anyone else out. He would always get someone else to do it. It was kind of jerky but it left me questioning why he helped me.

After that we started talking. Little friendly chitchats here and there. No big deal. There were a few times when I thought he liked me, but doubted everything because I thought he was being friendly. One day he was running late and caught me while I was making my coffee.

"Is that coffee?" he asked.

I was stirring it and smiled at him.

"Yup! I don't normally drink coffee but when I do I always make sure to put only a little cream and sugar. It's really the bitterness that wakes me up."

He nodded.

"Hm…never thought of it that way. I usually just dump 'em in there so it doesn't taste bitter at all and let the caffeine do its thing."

I laughed.

"That's what my Dad does. And he almost never sleeps."

He yawned.

"Yeah neither do I, so *yawn* it must be working."

After that he's made my coffee. I'd go to grab a cup, but he'd take it and say "Coffee? I'll do it." And make it just the way I like it. He'd do me all kinds of favors as well. Like hold the door for me as I walked in, wipe of stains from ornery children, and even take the blame for messes I'd make. Which was often since I was very clumsy. He'd also have very deep conversations about random topics that popped into our heads. Like what we thought about horoscopes, our favorite foods, and things we liked to do.

One day it was raining. And for the first time I was actually late. I had overslept, missed my bus, rushed out the door while also forgetting my umbrella, and had to run to work, in a thunderstorm. I was in the elevator, fur completely soaked, and angrily tapping my foot. This was about 8 months from when I started working, and I had somewhat fallen for Jason. I walked in the restaurant and it was completely dead from the rain. I walked in the kitchen and clocked in. I went to go hang my coat up, and bumped into him. He saw me, looked me up and down and just burst out laughing. I was already in a bad mood and this only made it worse.

(So he really doesn't like me…)

I simply walked passed him without a word and hung my coat up. He stopped laughing as I walked away. I didn't say a word to anyone for a few hours. Anger and sadness clouded my mind. I was still wet, and my crush had laughed at the fact. When I finally got my break he was there, in the breakroom, already. I sat down next to him and didn't say a thing. I simply leaned my arm on the table and pulled out my phone and earphones. I was about to play some music when I caught him looking at me. He quickly looked away and rubbed the back of his head.

"So…uh…how's your day going so far?"

I put my phone on the table.

"Fine. I got caught in the rain, I've made almost nothing in tips, my fur's still soaked, and…and…"

(My crush laughed in my face when he saw me soaked…)

He looked at me in confusion.

"And?"

I looked away.

"Nothing. I'm just having a bad day is all…"

He looked down.

"Oh…I'm sorry..,"

I raised a brow.

"For?"

"For laughing when I saw you soaked this morning. You were having a bad day and I laughed so…I'm sorry."

My eyes brightened up.

"It's okay."

Would someone who doesn't care about you apologize for something so small? I didn't know. Maybe he did feel guilty for laughing or maybe he was just feeling sorry for me for having a bad day. We sat in silence for a while. Well, I was listening to music. But he broke that silence.

"I didn't know you had to walk to get here."

I looked up from my phone and took out one of my earbuds.

"Hm?"

"I said I didn't know you had to walk to get here."

"Oh. I usually take the bus, but I missed it this morning and would've been really late if I had decided to take the next one. Plus it was raining, but I was in a rush and forgot my umbrella. So I just said fuck it and ran here."

He only smirked.

"Hm…well it's about time I got off my break."

He got up and left the room. But before he did and before I could put my earbuds back in I heard him mumble something.

"….if it were up to me…you wouldn't be walking or taking the bus…ever…"

My heart fluttered and I was in a lovey happy mood for the rest of the day.

(He does like me! I can't believe it!)

But then self-doubt struck again.

(Maybe you misheard him. Or maybe you just made it all up…)

(No! I know I heard it! He does like me!)

(Hah…like anyone could like you. You're an awful person! Remember Nicholas? He only liked you for your body. And Jared? He didn't like you at all…)

(Don't bring them up! They aren't like him! He cares about me…)

(Pah! Ever think maybe he's just being nice? He's only a nice guy, he doesn't like you, you idiot!)

Those were the types of arguments I would have with myself a t night, thinking about him.

I was driving myself crazy…thinking about him.

It got to the point where he was all I ever thought about. No matter where I was. At work, at school, and even in my dreams. I couldn't get him out of my head, even if I tried.

Then one day, without him knowing it. He broke my heart.

It had been another slow day and I noticed he was in the kitchen an awful lot.

"What're you doing in here? You've barely left the kitchen all day."

He looked out the window on the kitchen door, then back at me.

"I'm hiding."

"Hm? From who?"

He pointed to a female Pidgeot sitting at a table not far from the kitchen.

"Her. She's my ex-girlfriend."

Those words shattered me. Ex-GIRLfriend.

"Oh..heh I hope she doesn't find you then…"

I stayed silent the rest of the day only answering any questions with "hms" and "ahs" and nodding.

Questions poured out of me.

(Is he really into dudes? Does he have a girlfriend now? Who is she? How long were they together? Does he really care for me?)

I had no idea what to think anymore.

(I thought he liked me…)

(He could've just been being nice…)

(I thought he was gay too…)

(He has an ex-girlfriend…)

(Maybe he's bi?)

(I don't know anymore…)

The thought of him being with anyone other than me made me upset. Just the thought. And now I find out he has an ex-girlfriend. And that night self-doubt had returned to gloat.

(See? I told you he doesn't like you!)

(Shut up…)

(He probably has a girlfriend and everything!)

(Be quiet!)

(She's probably way better looking than you. Like Moltres or Articuno. Or Ho-oh! He's good enough for Ho-oh. Why would he settle for little old you?)

(Shut the fuck up already!)

(I bet he texts her when you're not looking)

(whimper…)

I opened my eyes and saw my pillow stained with tears. This wasn't the first time either. I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and it was almost as if my reflection was talking to me.

"Look at yourself! How many times have you cried over lost love? So what if he doesn't like you? You can still be happy?"

"I know…but how can I go back there like I am now? I'll just keep feeling the same way, knowing he doesn't feel the same. And it'll only hurt me more."

"You and I both know what you have to do…"

I nodded.

I went up to my boss, a Snorlax, the next day and told him I no longer wished to work there. He made a confused look.

"Are you sure? I could really use you, you know. You've become one of my best workers in such a short amount of time."

I nodded.

"Yes. I'm sure. I realized that I need to expand my horizons and realize what I'm going to do with my life."

He nodded.

"Well. I wish you the best of luck."

He got up and we shook hands. I then exited the restaurant and without looking back, returned home.

For a few weeks I had recovered nicely, not a nightmare or thought about Jason. And not for a second thought that I had overreacted or made a hasty decision, or even made a huge assumption. Everyone thought I just didn't like it there and was glad I left. I found a job working at a daycare as a helper.

One day, while on break I had received a text from my work friend Grace. She was the Leafeon hostess who was around my age.

Where've you been? I haven't seen you around lately.

-I decided to quit. I didn't really feel like that was the right place for me-

Oh wow really? Everyone misses you. Everyone knows we talk outside of work so I've been told to give you a few messages.

-Oh really? Lay it on me XD-

Ok ok. Shelly says hi, Patricia says hi. Ida says she's gonna kill you when she sees you because you didn't say goodbye. Henry says he wishes you good luck.

-I gtg soon. Anyone else?-

Yeah hold on. Mary says visit sometime, Carol says she hopes you have a good life. Oh, and Jason says he misses working with you.

My pupils shrunk as I read the last part of the message.

-Okay. Tell everyone I miss them too. And hi. And shit like that. Gtg-

For the rest of the day I was thinking about Jason.

(He misses me? Why?)

(Everyone misses you. Why wouldn't he?)

I was glad that he missed me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that was swelling up in my chest. I deleted all those messages that I couldn't help but read over and over again. I had to get him off of my mind somehow.

That night I had a nightmare. I saw Jason and he was with someone else. A Moltres. They were sitting on a couch in front of a fireplace. I could see them from the perspective of a painting hanging over it. They were kissing heatedly. They stopped as the Moltres backed away.

"What's wrong?"

"That painting. You've had it ever since we've moved here."

"What about it?"

"I don't like it. It feels like it's watching us and it's kind of a turn off."

"Huh. Well if that's the case I'll just have to fix that."

He got up and walked toward me. He grabbed the frame, and turned me around so the picture was facing the wall. I felt my heart tear in two. Tears started to form in my eyes as I heard moaning and cooing from behind me.

"NO!"

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was breathing heavily and tears were coming out of my eyes. My pillow was soaked.

(Why did I have to fall in love again…I hate feeling this way…why does this have to happen again…)

I curled into a ball with my and sobbed the rest of the night.

For a few weeks I thought about nothing but him, and tried to get him off my mind, but failed. I stopped responding to Grace's texts. They only brought up more memories of him. I stopped going down the street the hotel was on. Having to take the long way to get to school. My grades have suffered, my mind has suffered. I, have suffered.

One night, I found myself standing in pitch black nothingness. The only other thing there besides me was him… When I saw him I gasped and backed away. He gave me a surprised look.

"Adam? Geez dude it's been forever!"

I dropped to me knees and put my hands on my head.

"No no no I don't need this! I've been trying to forget you!"

With a crack in his voice:

"What?"

"I haven't been able to get you out of my mind for weeks! I don't want need to see you right now!"

He took a step closer.

"But you came here! And I'm actually glad you di-"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! ALL YOU'RE DOING IS CONFUSING ME SO JUST GO AWAY!"

"No."

I looked up at him.

"Huh?"

He had his arms crossed.

"No. I have something to tell you in fact."

He came closer to me.

"No…just stay away from me…"

"Don't push me away Adam."

"I have to! I'll only end up getting hurt if I don't!"

"No you won't. I promise."

He got even closer.

"You don't know! No one knows!"

He put a claw on my shoulder.

"I know. I know for a fact you won't get hurt. I'll be sure of it because I-"

"NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! BEING NICE ISN'T HELPING ME!"

I shoved him away and ran. I didn't get very far however since as soon as I left his vicinity I found a ledge. Right behind it was a giant black abyss. I turned around and saw him coming after me.

"STAY AWAY!"

I climbed up on the ledge.

"If this is the only place I can go to get away from you then…"

I went to take a step but I heard him yell out my name.

"Adam wait!"

"I don't want to see you anymore so I'm going to where I can forget everything."

"Please! Don't do this! I don't know what I did to make you hate me, but I'm sorry! I'm used to not seeing you for long periods of time but I'm not prepared to lose you forever!"

My head was starting to hurt.

"What are you saying?!"

He took a step closer.

"I love you."

I looked at him in complete shock.

"W-what?"

"I love you Adam. Ever since I first saw you."

I backed away, barely on the ledge.

"No. This isn't real. This is just my mind fucking with me again! I have to forget…"

I turned and went to step off the ledge, but before I could, he ran over and grabbed my arm.

"Adam this is real! Open your eyes!"

Suddenly the black was gone and I could see. I saw him standing in front of me with a worried look. I looked around and saw the restaurant and all of my old coworkers. And the Abyss was really the streets below waiting for me to commit suicide. Immediately I started to cry and jumped into his arms. He grabbed me and hugged me tightly.

"It's okay. I've got you."

He kissed my forehead.

"And I'll never let you go."

THE END