3 Good Friends
Story Theme Song: "Til Kingdom Come" by Passion Pit
Chapter One: Salt and Sugar Have the Same Consistency
Donald was minding his own business. In fact, he was about to conduct very important business with his girlfriend. He stood in his living room.
"Alright," he said, having a check list in feathered hand, "let's see, breath spray."
He felt his pocket.
"Check. CD Player with Marvin Gaye CD."
He looked down at the coffee table behind him. There was the CD Player and beside it was a Russell Stover's box of assorted chocolate and a bouquet of red roses.
"Check all three of those." Donald said as he checked off the CD Player, chocolate box and roses.
"Now all that's left are the lights." Donald moved over to the light switch next to his front door. He flipped the switch. The room went dark save for red lights that were conveniently placed to light the room to get into that loving making room.
Donald got down on one knee and puckered his lips. As soon as he did this a knock at the door was heard. Donald very quickly opened the door and resumed his position.
The flashing of a camera light.
Donald opened his eyes, screamed in embarrassment, shut the door, turned on the lights and barricaded the door with his body.
"That's it." He said. "I'm going to overdose on pills." The duck pulled out his inhaler and gave himself two puffs. He breathed in and out. "It's okay Donald, maybe he'll go away."
Silence.
When Donald was sure of himself that the intruder was gone he opened the door slowly and upon seeing that he was still standing there, gave in and opened the door.
"What are you doing here?" He asked in annoyance, almost a whine.
"To see an old friend is all." The person answered as he entered the house.
"No, I mean why are you here!" Donald screamed.
"Oh, I drove a semi full of sugar over the border."
Donald slapped himself in the face and sighed. "A semi full of sugar huh?"
"Si, in fact I think I saw a black van following me."
Donald looked at his friend, who was obviously Panchito Pistoles. "A black van?" He asked getting nervous as he moved towards the windows making sure they were locked, as well as all the doors and checked every single crevasse, making sure it was barricaded.
"Whoa, whoa, take it easy Donal'" Panchito said as the duck rushed past him. "what's the big deal?"
"Panchito," Donald said seriously. "Did that black van have anything written on it?"
Panchito nodded slowly to match his friend's nervousness, "Si, it had the word Phoebe on it."
"Phoebe huh?" Donald repeated a bit confused. "Can you spell it?"
"F-B-I." Panchito said. "Phoebe."
Donald's eyes grew large and out of his head. Panchito laughed, "Hey look, you're just like Daffy Duck!"
"The F-B-I, Panchito, FBI!" Donald screamed.
"Si, Phoebe." Panchito replied apparently not getting it.
"No, you're not getting it. FBI stands for Federal Bureau of Investigation."
"Say what?" Panchito said a bit confused but a light bulb was there. It just wasn't turned on.
Can we agree for a moment that as much as we love the rooster he is an idiot because outside of Donald Duck's house said black van. Apparently, Panchito is the only identifiable anamorphic rooster in the world.
As soon as a some sort of vehicle pulled up in front Donald quickly looked out the window and almost fainted again. Panchito caught him.
"Panchito, what was in that van!" Donald asked.
"Sugar, I told you." Panchito said, "geez, you don't trust me for nothing man."
" Sir, we have you surrounded come out with your hands up!" An FBI Agent screamed into a megaphone. It squeaked a bit.
Panchito shrugged his shoulders and opened the door. He stood out on the porch.
"Okay," Panchito said, "but eh you know their feathers right?"
The FBI Agent with the megaphone, who we'll call Jim, spoke in his instrument again. "Don't care sir."
"Alright, but I'm telling you, I don't know what this is about." The rooster said.
" What was in the vehicle that our surveillance caught you crossing the border with?" Jim said, again, in the megaphone.
"Table sugar." Panchito answered as he walked willingly across the lawn.
Even though that Panchito was literally three feet from the man, Jim still spoke in the megaphone. "Are you aware that you are in possession of a large amount of money?"
Panchito motioned for the megaphone. Jim handed to him. Panchito spoke in the megaphone. "What large amount of money?" He asked.
They continued this passing of the megaphone, each time they said something it was through this. All from three feet from each other.
"The money that was handed to you before you got in the truck sir." Jim said.
"Oh that was Vito, he paid me to deliver this to a Wendy's in El Paso." Panchito replied.
"Where is the vehicle sir?"
Panchito rolled his eyes and stopped the hot potato game. "Can we talk in the house?" Jim nodded and followed the rooster inside.
Donald was fainted on the floor.
"What's wrong with him?" Jim asked.
"Oh him," Panchito said, "it's just Donald being Donald."
"Is he alright?"
Panchito nodded, "Oh sure."
He pulled out a Beretta M9, which caused Jim to go on defense. Panchito saw this and simply pointed his weapon in the air and fired. He quickly sheathed it. Jim eased up.
"Don't do that." Jim said.
"Noted." Panchito answered.
"Now, where is the vehicle sire?" Jim asked.
"Sire? Cool I'm royalty now." Panchito said with a smile.
"Shut up it was a typo!" Jim shouted. "Now where is the vehicle?"
" Eh, Wendy's?" Panchito said this as if Jim should know.
"Where sir?" Jim asked with a sigh. It was going to be one of those days.
"In El Paso." Panchito answered.
"Where sir?" Jim asked again, this time louder and more annoyed. He was three seconds from ringing the rooster's neck. Panchito simply pulled out a file and filed his nails. He was being an asshole on purpose.
"Lo siento, I broke a cuticle." The rooster placed the file back in his pocket where he got it from. "Now what did you say?"
Jim's face was redder than Sriracha sauce. Panchito noticed.
"Wow, you're redder than Sriracha sauce, want me to get you a glass of water?" He asked politely.
Jim was past the point of politeness. Remember the Bull in those Bugs Bunny cartoons? Jim was that bull. He was raging mad and Panchito, who was a certified matador, was five seconds from pulling a red cape from his sleeve, in fact, just to be a further asshole, he pulled one out just in case.
"WHICH WENDY'S IS IT!" Jim screamed.
This caused Donald to wake up. He stood up and slapped Jim in the face. "No!"
"Boy, do you have any idea what you just did?" Jim asked.
"Yeah," Panchito said, "he was protecting me you asshole." The rooster smiled.
"I'm the asshole?" Jim asked confused, he turned around, opened the door and stuck his head out. "Hey Bob, am I an asshole?"
"Yes!" Bob said.
"Darn." Jim said with a sigh. "I thought I was doing good."
"Don't feel bad," Panchito said waling over to the man and placing his arm around him, "we all make mistakes."
"Yeah," Jim said, "we do."
In three seconds, Panchito was handcuffed. The rooster smiled, "Oh that's good."
"Thanks." Jim said, and lead the rooster out of the house. "You are under arrest," Jim continued, "for Illegally transporting extremely unusual large amounts of illegal items to a fast food restaurant ultimately endangering the well being of children."
"Endangering the well being of children my ass, I'm telling you, it's just sugar!" The rooster protested. "And," Panchito said continuing, " Wouldn't I also endangering the well being of the adults too if I did it, which I didn't, I'm just saying."
" I don't care about the adults sir I care about the kids." Jim said.
"Well," Panchito said as he was escorted into the van. "that's a bit-"
" Half of those people are probably on the stuff anyway."
"What, sugar?"
Jim sighed and rolled his eyes, "You don't get it do you?"
"Get what, that I'm arrested for sugar?" Panchito asked.
Donald walked out onto the lawn a bit concerned but mostly wanting to see Panchito whisked away, he would bail him out later, but at the moment, he secretly wanted Panchito to die.
Jim turned around as the van door was closed on the rooster.
"Is he yours?'
"Unfortunately." Donald said.
"I'm so sorry." Jim said.
'No, you have to ride with him, I'm the one that should be saying that."
Daisy pulled up soon after. When she saw the van and Donald next to it, she became severely distressed and ran over as fast as her heels would allow her.
Jim and Donald looked at her and waited to for her to catch her breath.
"Give...me...one..second." Daisy said. He breathed in and out. "In and out, in and out. okay, you're calm, you're cool, you're collective. Remember your therapy. Remember your therapy."
Jim looked at Donald in a 'Oh my god she's nuts!' kind of way. Donald nodded.
"What's going on?" Daisy asked.
"Nothing." Jim and Donald said simultaneously.
Jim got into his van. Donald and Daisy entered the house.
As Jim drove to the prison, yes, the prison, with Bob in the passenger, Panchito was in the back, singing a song:
"I met a devil woman, she took my heart away. She said, I've had it comin' to me, but I wanted it that way.I think that any love is good lovin', so I took what I could get, mmh. Oooh, oooh she looked at me with big brown eyes and said, you ain't seen nothin' yet. B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet. Here's something that you never gonna forget. B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet!"
"Sir!" Jim cried a bit annoyed, "are you high?"
Panchito stopped signing. "Now define high?"
Jim and Bob shrugged, "Fair enough." They joined him, custom dance moves included:
"You ain't seen nothin' yet. Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet. Here's something, here's something. Here's something that your never gonna forget, baby, baby, baby, baby you ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet. You ain't been around, you ain't seen nothin' yet, that's what she told me. She said, "I needed educatin', go to school". I know I ain't seen nothin' yet I know I ain't seen nothin' yet."
When they got to the prison, Panchito was taken to a line up room. He was the only one present in the blinding white light. In the two way window in the small room on the other side was Jim, Bob and a woman.
"Ma'am," Jim said, "is that him?"
The woman looked at Panchito, who swayed back and forth on his talons and started whistling the melody to 'Ain't Seen Nothing Yet' because they sang it all the way there and it was stuck in his head.
The woman nodded. "Yes, that's him." She cried and had the image of someone who cries a lot. Handkerchief, blue purse, the bonnet type thingy on the head, glasses, she pretty much looked like Miss Prissy from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. We'll just call her that, Miss Prissy.
"Thanks the man that gave my son drugs!"
Panchito heard this, for there were speakers in both rooms and they were on. "Rooster technically but okay."
"Irrelevant information sir." Jim said.
Panchito smiled and mocked him the way a little kid would, a high pitched failed whispering attempt with a masterful whine. "Irrelevant information sir."
"What did you say?" Jim asked feeling a bit intimidated and is one of those people that loved being at the top of the food chain.
Panchito straightened his belt and sombrero and with all the force he could muster screamed: "IRRELEVANT INFORMATION SIR!"
"Geez," Panchito said, voice at normal levels, "are you deaf?"
Jim, Bob and Miss Prissy held their ears, for they were ringing. "No, but now we are!" They said. Panchito smiled and winked towards us. Yes, we're in this story too.
"What's in the vehicle sir?" Bob asked.
"I already told you, for the millionth time, it's sugar." Panchito said, he was getting annoyed at having to give the answer to the same question.
"Are you aware of the recent incident at the Wendy's?" Jim asked.
"Is that why she's here?" Panchito asked, "Because she just randomly appeared out of nowhere."
"Yes, that's why she's here. Anyway, a bunch of kids were exposed to a substance, a white, crystal like substance that caused them to behave rather oddly."
"Such as?" the rooster said, concern growing tenfold. If there was one thing he didn't want to do ever in his life was hurt kids. He worked with them for years and wouldn't be able to live with himself if he knew he caused a child any sort of pain or misery.
" Breaking objects, chewing the back of chairs, swinging from lights, breaking toilets, drinking from the drink dispenser." Jim said.
"That last one doesn't even make sense!" Panchito cried.
"Exactly." Jim replied. "Do you care to explain?"
"Yeah," Panchito said, "they're kids, give them a chocolate bar at three years of age and they're hooked for life to the stuff."
Jim smiled, "Is that a confession?"
"Okay so I accidently mixed up the salt and sugar okay!" Panchito cried.
"Wait," Jim was confused, "salt and sugar?"
"Sir," Bob said, "we just got a call from Krispy Kreme."
"There's the salt!" Panchito said happily.
"You're under arrest." Jim said. He wasn't buying the whole salt and sugar business.
"Already here," Panchito said, "and getting arrest for mixing up an order, wow that's harsh."
"My son is in a coma because of you!" Miss Prissy protested.
" I'll send him a sympathy card, can I please leave?" Panchito asked.
"No." Jim answered.
" Call my Uncle Vito, he'll vouch for me." Panchito answered.
"Where is he sir?" Jim asked.
"I don't know, work maybe." Panchito answered.
"Where does he work?"
"KFC." Panchito said.
Jim stopped and looked at the rooster for clarification. "Are you bullshitting me?" He asked.
"No!" Panchito cried.
Jim sighed, "How ironic."
"I know right." Panchito said.
Jim dialed the number.
The KFC phone rang. Vito, Panchito's uncle, who was a rooster, the very same rooster who gave him the job was working the KFC cash register. He answered the phone after the second ring.
"Hello?" He said.
"Yes is this Mr. Vito?" Jim asked.
"Si." Vito replied.
"Are you aware that you're nephew is being charged with smuggling in illegal items across the United States border?"
Vito sighed angrily and rolled his eyes at the same time. " Is this about the sugar and salt?"
Jim hung his head. "Sure," he said, "I'll play along, yeah, it's about the sugar and salt."
" Did he mix up the order again?"
Jim sighed, he was giving up, he didn't want to deal with this business anymore and Panchito had only one 'offense' on record. This one.
"Apparently so."
"I told him," Vito said, "first deliver the sugar than the salt. Krispy Kreme then Wendy's, not hard."
"Of course sir." Jim said.
"So, he is not in trouble?" Vito asked.
Jim looked at the rooster who was smiling, doing a little dance to himself. Passion Pit was in his head.
"No." Jim said and hung up the phone.
Panchito meanwhile was singing:
"Me, I cried out, "God", you dared me in the dark. I felt a hush fall quietly from my spark, so now I hide in piles of princely orange peels, it feels the way you told me how it'd always feel!"