For all of you guys who loved the relationship between Picard and Guinan, but never quite understood what the heck was going on... This is for you. It's set a little bit after the eps where Picard was Locutus- and the internal issues that he went through... and the only person that he would truly talk about it, and open up to.
Thanks to my Beta-reader Astronomygirl85 :-) her fabulous advice and critiquing made this story 50 times better. A big shout-out to her.
He didn't know what to do anymore. There was neither feeling nor emotion that could take away the remorse, and guilt and loss that he had experienced.
He had tried to explain it to Guinan- tried to make her understand what was going through his mind. How his soul felt like it had been ripped apart and given to strangers. Only to be forced back inside like some ill-fitting puzzle piece.
"Jean-Luc." She had soothed across the table. "I think I understand."
"Do you?" He had asked, in a rare show of venomous anger. Knowing deep inside him- that no one would ever truly understand.
Her deep ageless eyes stared back at him. Unfathomable as always.
"No. I probably don't." Guinan replied truthfully. "I'm not sure if anyone will ever be able to understand what you went through." She placed a hand on his arm- feeling disturbed as he flinched away from such an innocent "What you are going through."
He turned his dark penetrating gaze on her and she saw for an instant the conflict of self that he was going through.
"You know Guinan- when they took me and… after they took me, I thought I knew what hell was like. I felt my very humanity get torn away until I was nothing more than one among thousands- millions perhaps. I fought it- even after I was introduced to the hive mind. I fought with every ounce of fire that I had left. I only lasted a few seconds . I was forced to allow my every thought and feeling to get assimilated. It did not matter that I did not want it taken from me. The collective needed the information- and now that I was one of the collective-, I wanted it too. I used my knowledge to hunt and destroy my dearest friends- quenching thousands of innocent lives without a single thought. I watched through the eyes of millions- and I was lost. Banished to a purgatory of the basest sense. The human inside was held suppressed, and the Borg was my past present and future. I was Locutus.
"Then you did the only kind thing- you rescued me from my living hell, and instead of embracing my freedom, I felt alone, completely cut off from the rest of the universe in my little human shell. I was afraid. Afraid of the yearning I felt for the collective. I had been exposed to something that I craved- that I still crave. " Tears fell from his eyes as the strong captain wept like a child.
"Captain- I told them to let you go."
If his ears did not betray him- he could almost hear guilt in the alien's tone.
"You did right to tell them to let go of that Picard."
"That Picard?"
The captain's eyes- still shining with tears- seemed to darken. Substantiate into hard rock.
"He is no longer who he was-,and I do not think he will ever be so again."
"And you grieve for your loss of humanity?"
Picard scoffed. "My humanity was thrust back onto my shoulders as soon as the Borg left this sector. They- who had so carefully dissected all of that which made me, me. It was inserted back in without so much as a backwards glance- I am human Guinan. I am just not the man that I was. I am grieving- my arrogance, and pride, and my complete and total reliance upon myself."
Guinan's eyes were sad and cautious.
"Were we right, in bringing you back, Captain?"
Inner chaos flashed briefly across his dark eyes before they retained something of the fire that they had had before.
"I would rather be a broken Picard, Than Locutus."
Ten Forward seemed almost deserted at this time of night- it was one of the only times that it had ever been closed. Guinan however, had felt that this was a time for privacy. They gazed out into the starry eternity in silence.
"You know that they all want to help you." She murmured. Knowing that he could hear her, and being wise enough to understand if he didn't answer her.
"Riker, or Troi, and most of all Dr. Crusher- they would help you in an instant if you would ask."
He closed his eyes, slowly and languorously- they reopened, and he suddenly looked old.
"I know that, Guinan."
She shook her head.
"But do you realize the depths of their loyalty, Jean-Luc? Will Riker would send this ship to the very center of a black hole if you asked him to. And Troi- she would take on the deepest darkest minds of this universe if it were your wish. You have already seen the loyalty of Geordi and Worf. And Dr. Crusher- "She paused there, looking for the world to see like an ancient sage ready to divine an awesome prophecy. "I don't need to tell you the things that she has gone through already in order to call you friend, let alone follow your orders. You are a man who demands the loyalty of his people- without ever realizing that they give it to you willingly."
His head dropped- and he sat there staring at his hands.
"It shames me Guinan to know that they would entrust their very existence to me. It is truly terrifying to think about."
"You were never afraid before."
"I was a cocky self-sure fool."
"So that's a no to the asking for help?"
He laughed a little, but it was not a happy laugh.
"Guinan, if I ever showed to them that I am that weak, they would never trust me the same again."
Guinan sighed,
"And you don't think this whole Borg thing wouldn't have already shown them your humanity?"
"It's not the same."
"No, it's not. But you shouldn't fear it. Most men would give up their right leg for the loyalty that your crew has for you, and that's on the easy days. And before you interrupt me –which you should know better than to do by the way- I just want to say that you deserve most of it. Not that you should walk around like some little Napoleon of the Enterprise mind you…" She smiled widely and Picard realized that he should probably be more offended, since before, he would have been extremely affronted by such an insult to his character.
"You know, the crew doesn't understand why I put up with you sometimes," he said after she finished pouring something that looked suspiciously like Romulan Ale into two rather large glasses.
She shook her head and came around the bar to sit across from him at the table that had the best view, bringing the two glasses and the large yellow bottle with her.
"And do you tell them?"
He laughed suddenly, feeling more relaxed than he had in years.
"Good lord no; I don't understand it myself half the time…" He took a large swig of his drink and hissed loudly as it rushed past his mouth and throat. "And, my word, Guinan, this is not Synthehol..."
"The good stuff never is." She murmured around her own large glass.
"Besides…" He continued, her logic making complete sense all of the sudden. "They wouldn't get it even if I did explain it to them, would they?"
Guinan shrugged,
"Data might understand the facts of it, but no, he wouldn't get it." She laughed suddenly, "You should have seen Commander Riker's face when I told him that we were more than friends and more than family. He gave me the eyebrow." The barkeep attempted to mimic their first officer and failed miserably, falling into paroxysms of laughter, Picard grinned stolidly, feeling the alcohol run straight to his head and fill him with that wondrous warm feeling.
"Guinan, you're a horrible person. You know that he's probably dying to know what is between us."
"He and the rest of the world." She snorted and laughed again.
"Poor Will…" He said finally. "I think I've ruined him by becoming his friend… perhaps it would have been better if I would have remained aloof. Wouldn't have gotten so bloody attached. Perhaps he would have his own command by now." He took a deep melancholic swig of ale.
"Oh believe me, Captain. He'll get his own command when he knows he's ready for it. Don't worry about that."
Picard sighed again.
"You know Guinan, when you say things like that, it makes me wonder how much I truly know about you."
Guinan patted his cheek fondly.
"Jean-Luc Picard, You are the closest thing that I've ever had to anything on this god-forsaken plane of existence and any other plane of existence. And like our old buddy Q, it's difficult to make lasting relationships outside of species like ours…You know what they say, omniscience makes for strange bedfellows."
Picard moaned and set his head on the table.
"Please don't mention him, it's bad luck I think."
Guinan grinned at the top of his bald head.
"Picard, what I'm trying to say is: you know me better than anyone else here ever has, and you haven't even scratched the surface."
Her captain shrugged without raising his head. He sounded deliriously drunk and rather happy about that.
"Well my dear Guinan. At least I've made a mark." He replied cheerfully, and passed out cold.
Guinan, smiled vaguely and fondly at her old friend.
"Yes, Captain. I believe you have."
As always, i hope that you enjoyed it- i like stories between these two and so i thought i'd try my hand at one. Review if you like- i know that i like it when you review :-))
Later Days,
Red