The Mortal's Guide To The Underground
By Sarah Williams
Far out in the realms of fantasy lies a world of wonder…ok maybe not wonder, but at least the strange and unusual.
I am Sarah Williams, and for reasons yet fully known to me I live in the world of the Underground. Or to be more specific, the castle beyond the Goblin City at the center of the Labyrinth with my husband the Goblin King.
As the years have past I realized that I would not be in this position had someone written a guide to the Underground. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I sometimes wonder just why I am here. In order to prevent future mortals from finding themselves in this type of position I have decided to write a guide book. One that I will personally make sure that every mortal to stumble upon this realm is provided with.
The first subject I will review is prevention.
First and foremost if one ever comes across a little red book entitled "Labyrinth" one should without thought throw it away. Do not open it, do not read from it. And whatever you do, do NOT enact any scenes out in public in a park. Mostly if you notice an owl.
No matter what, even if your little brother is annoying as hell. Even if you are left to baby-sit when all you want to do is act and your brother won't stop crying, no matter any of this; never wish your brother away to the goblins.
If you do and meet the Goblin King, do not just stand there like an idiot and say "You're him aren't you? You're the Goblin King!" It is a stupid thing to do. Instead you should turn around and leave the room and lock him in.
Sadly if you are reading this, then this really is a moot point. Useless though it may be, hindsight is always twenty-twenty and it never hurts to be reminded just how wrong we originally were.
If you have disregarded the above warning; which no doubt you have as you are reading this; the next important step deals with dwarves.
If you find yourself before the Labyrinth, turn back the other way and forget about whatever it is that was stolen from you. Hey your parents can always have another kid, and maybe that one you will actually like. Of course if you are stupid enough to proceed you must first find yourself a dwarf. Just remember that they are irritable and tend to be a bit sensitive about their names.
After finding your dwarf immediately began asking him questions, he will most likely avoid these the best he can. To get the correct response speak plainly and clearly. This is the best way to get yourself into the Labyrinth. Once in you may become separated from the dwarf, but do not fret, you will come upon him again.
Be sure to befriend the dwarf, and if that doesn't work ply him with shiny jewelry. If all else fails, steal his bag of jewels.
A note worthy to remember; fairies are not nice and they bite.
Always disregard what worms tell you and go the other way.
It never pays to mark your way, brownies live under the pathways.
Guards that look like a twisted version of playing cards are just wrong!
If you fall down a shaft of hands, one make sure you are in jeans…they tend to get frisky. Two; always choose up, down leads to a dark hole. Not fun.
Talking stone faces are annoying.
One must always remember that the Labyrinth is alive, if you think you have seen a face in the stones….you most likely have.
Big hairy orange monsters, though scary looking make great friends…mostly in a fight with goblins.
If you encounter talking doorknockers, do not even stop to speak…just pick a door. It really is not worth the headache.
Remember what happened when Little Red went into the forest? Heed the warning, there may not be wolves, but there are creepy bird like creatures that would like to take you apart. To avoid being captured remove their heads first and toss them randomly into the forest.
Note; never kiss a dwarf.
When you are told about The Bog of Eternal Stench, do not ask why it is called such…just believe.
If you encounter a small knight with no sense of smell, befriend him. He will not be much help and is delusional, but he is at least a cute little creature.
Never, and I mean NEVER eat anything you are offered, even from your friends. Mostly if it is a peach.
If you find yourself in a crystal ballroom and the Goblin King wants to play hide and seek, ignore said king and break the wall immediately. Do not under any circumstances, not even if you find the King to be irresistible and sex on legs, follow the king and dance with him!
Should you find yourself in a junkyard leave as quickly as you can. Ignore any and all little goblin women, knock them over if you must.
Big metal monsters are scary, but at heart they are nothing more than a scrawny and pathetic goblin. This is where you will want to employ the help of your dwarf friend.
Goblins are horrid soldiers, but they make up for it in numbers. Utilize the help of your orange monster and his rock friends.
Once inside the castle do not be all noble and leave your group of friends behind to fight the king on your own, mostly when the pathetic excuse for this is that 'it is just the way it is done.' Invite all your friends and as many goblins as you can get on your side to come with you and gang up on the King and steal his crystals.
If you do decide to be all noble and go in alone, ignore any and all singing from the king. Keep your eyes level with his, remember tight pants are his secret weapon. Do not run around like an idiot, this is what he is hoping for. Go to the nearest ledge and jump.
If you have disregarded everything and find yourself being circled and taunted by the Goblin King, shut him up with the magic words. If you think you will not remember them, make sure to write them on the inside of your wrist.
Once you are back Aboveground, break off all ties with the Underground. Do not have a party with your Underground friends, never call on them again.
Above all the Goblin King and his crystals should be avoided at all costs. All white barn owls too, just to be safe.
Ok, there is a reason why I normally do not write when I am sick...this is why.
I ended up catching a cold and tired and sick I got this silly little idea. Hope everyone got a bit of a laugh.
Disclaimer: Nope don't own it!