An Idiot's Guide to Shinobi Life

by thisguyok21

Let's imagine a Konoha that is full of the quirks and the idiocy that we see in the show, but with the true depth of darkness and realism that was never explored. What will we find? Beware what you seek, for in the darkness of the unknown festering fear consumes the mind, and you will be laughing even unto the grave.

1. Chapter 1

A/N: Nice to meet everyone and I hope you will provide worthwhile commentary, and criticism for this story, please leave a review if you have the time. I'll try to reply to them personally, but if I am unable to I apologize, without further ado, I present to you An Idiot's Guide to Shinobi Life?

Chapter One: What Drives a Shinobi?

"You three are some of the worst shinobi that I have ever had the misfortune of dealing with, at least I could avoid the others I know, but with me being your sensei that's impossible."

The three in question were tied to the railings of the bridge that Tazuna was only a week from completing. Sasuke looked half dead due to him still recovering from his near-death experience, though Naruto and Sakura were fine, save for matching shiners and bloody noses courtesy of Kakashi due to their piss poor performance against Zabuza and his accomplice.

"You never taught us anything!" Naruto yelled

"Yea, we had to almost die for you to teach us the tree climbing exercise!" Sakura followed.

While Kakashi's exterior was his usual cool and calm self, his inner ego was on the verge of a meltdown. He had indeed chosen to forgo teaching the children before him, due to the fact that they were all self-absorbed in the worst way possible.

Sasuke was lost in his goal of killing his brother and avenging his clan, so much so that he did not know what he would do after he had accomplished his task, nor had he an inkling of how he would set off to do so, or if the village would allow it.

Sakura was simultaneously trapped in her dreams of making Sasuke hers, and crushed under her hatred of Naruto, however when Kakashi thought about her relationship with Naruto he realized something quite queer. Over the past few months, and the day that the trio was assigned to him Kakashi made it his mission to observe them at all times through the use of shadow clones, only ever letting up on his observations when they were bereft of clothing, or indisposed in the bathroom.

Looking at the information he gathered, it seemed as if Sakura only interacted with Sasuke, and Naruto in any capacity beyond a greeting to an acquaintance, and of the two Naruto was the only one who would attempt to hold conversation with her, even if she rejected his invitation for a date, and hit him for his brashness and lack of tack, it was still more interaction than she had with anyone else, and she had never touched Sasuke.

Naruto for his part simply had eyes bigger than his stomach. His thoughts on shinobi life were childish and romantic to the point that it made any real shinobi sick -he suspected Zabuza only agreed with Naruto because his only student was dead and didn't have it in his heart to call the boy naive with his last breath-, coupling that with his lack of skill and aspiration to be Hokage... put simply the boy was a joke.

His skill in pranks was prodigious, yet it was held back by his sheer idiocy. His infatuation with Sakura and his unsettling interest in Sasuke was also an addition that further showed the imbalance within this team. His decision not to train them stemmed from these observations.

Naruto was too unskilled and reckless, putting no thought into his actions beyond the short term, and even then planning poorly and failing to take into all circumstances of a given situation. Sakura was supposedly intelligent -though this seemed to only apply to books and paper tests-, yet her physical condition was unfit for the rigors of shinobi life. Sasuke's physical and justu prowess was exactly what was needed within their dark world, his mental state left much to be desired.

They were a train wreck, plain and simple. With a sigh Kakashi made a hand-sign, bringing three clones into existence in a puff of smoke. Each clone cut one of the genin down and handed the confused preteens a book. The book was a fairly thin volume with a yellow and black cover, and the words "An Idiot's Guide to the Shinobi Lifestyle" printed across its front.

"You three are going to read at least a chapter of this book a week together from now on until you're done with it." The real Kakashi said, watching on as Naruto eyed the text warily.

"Do we have to?" Whined the blond menace.

"Yes, you do" Kakashi affirmed. "While the book isn't designed to teach you jutsu or anything of the sort, it is structured to teach you the fundamentals of being a shinobi, which will help you all as you get deeper into your career."

Sasuke scoffed. "Why read a book when I can go train, it seems like a waste of time to me." The arrogant edge and near acidic tone was enough to make most shiver, none of the members of squad bat an eye at his display.

Kakashi smiled mockingly, his eye crinkling upward, and the genin all sighed, shoulders slumping in reluctant acceptance. "The chapters are short, and to the point, though I haven't read it myself. When you finish a chapter I want you to incorporate what you learned into your everyday life."

Silence drowned the area as Kakashi's students stared at him, waiting, expecting him to say more. A leaf fell from a tree and blew across the space that separated master and pupils, causing the jounin to clear his throat awkwardly. "So get started."

A puff of smoke ended his sentence, and he was gone. Sasuke and Naruto's eyes twitched. Sakura shook her head slowly at the display.

Stillness once again made its way into the clearing, and just as it began to reach the uncomfortable crescendo Sakura broke it. "I think we should get started." Her face was a little red, and her voice shaky.

"I'll read." The words came more quickly than she would have liked, sadly it was the price she had to pay to keep Naruto quiet, Sasuke needed his rest after all and arguing with Naruto would not help in that.

"Chapter one..." She began, "What drives a Shinobi? In the world of shinobi people most often focus on jutsu, strength, and intelligence being the deciding factors in how powerful a shinobi is, yet few take into account that it takes years to gain any ability of notice and that many die long before they ever reach their goals in life. This book is designed to instill within the reader the true sense of shinobi life so that they may survive and reach the apex of their strength."

Sakura looked up from the page when Naruto snorted. She glared at the idiot, how could she have forgotten his disdain for any form of book learning. "What is it Naruto?"

He flinched a little and ran one of his hands through his hair before bringing it to rest on the side of his head. "Why do we have to do this? What have books ever done for anyone? We don't need that stuff, ttebayo!"

Sakura sent him a glare, and he closed his mouth not wanting to endure her wrath once more. With Naruto dealt with Sakura continued on with her reading. "In this chapter, we will focus on what dives you as a shinobi personally. All shinobi no matter how strong, weak, young, or old they maybe have goals that they set out to achieve. Having something to work toward often gives these men and women the drive to at least try and become stronger, however, at times these lofty aspirations are weights that dragging down a would-be legend."

Sakura stopped and looked up from the page. "There's an exercise on this page too, do you think we should do it Sasuke-kun?"

The brooding boy glared at the girl whose eyes seemed to have morphed into hearts. The hate-filled stare was no hindrance to her. He cursed softly under his breath. "Sure," he said sticking his hands in his pockets and looking away from his teammates.

"Hey don't I get a say?!" Naruto yelled, "I mean you didn't even tell us what the dumb exercise was!"

Sakura scoffed. "It's practical so I didn't think you'd say no, but then again who knows with you."

Naruto grumbled, "Fine whatever just to us what to do!"

A roll of the eyes was the only reply that Naruto's comment received. "Anyway, the exercise is simple. We state our goal out loud and then our teammates critique it, giving reason as to why it is a goal to ascribe to, or if they should give it up, or modify the reason they wish to achieve their goal."

Naruto scratched his head. "What does that even mean?"

"Just tell us what you want to do in life, and we'll do the rest, and then you'll understand Usuratonkachi." Sasuke interjected.

Sakura resisted the urge to fawn over him, as this was a perfect opportunity to learn more about him.

"OK my dream is to be Hokage, Dattebayo!" The orange menace yelled to the skies.

Sasuke covered his ears at the volume, and Naruto found himself laying face-first in a crater courtesy of their pink teammate's fist.

"Lower your voice idiot!" she hissed dangerously, hand raised to deliver another blow.

Flinching Naruto spoke again, this time in an exaggerated whisper. "My dream is to be Hokage, ttebayo!"

"Why do you want to be Hokage?" Sasuke asked, though given his bored tone it was hard to believe he was interested in whatever the blond had to say. Naruto for his part seemed to be either ignoring the brunette's sour attitude, he did not notice.

"I wanna be Hokage so that everyone will respect me, teme." Naruto's face was lined with a large grin that somehow seemed slightly predatory, even if good-natured. "I'm tired of everyone looking down on me!"

"You can't be Hokage like that." Sakura interjected rudely, "I know you think being Hokage is about being the strongest in the village, but there's a lot more to it than that baka. You're a dead last loser, and if you keep staring at the stars before the ground you'll never even reach the clouds."

"What do you mean? The Old Man is the strongest ninja in the village." Naruto responded decidedly confused. "Being strong enough to protect the village is what being Hokage means."

The pink haired girl face-palmed, "And you can't always be strong with only jutsu and physical strength. Sometimes you have to use diplomacy or another form of non-violent means to get the job done. If only strong muscle bound baka the villages then we'd never find ourselves any peacetime."

Naruto scratched his head. "What's diplomacy?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "Are you serious, how can you be that stupid, Usuratonkachi?"

"I mean is it that important?"

Sakura's jaw was on the floor. Who was this idiot to not know something so basic. "Did you leave your brain at home when we were in class!?" she screeched, "That was one of the first lessons, and Iruka-sensei kept giving us more information that would help us develop the skill."

"I mean if it was one of those boring lectures then, of course, I tuned it out, a Hokage doesn't need to know that stuff."

"If you think that, then you should just give up on being Hokage." Sasuke's voice for once held no malice, no there was a soft vein of pity in his tone.

Naruto sent him a chilling stare. "What the hell do you mean you bastard!?"

"He meant what he said." Naruto whirled on his pink haired teammate.

"Who the hell are you two to tell me to give up on my dream?!" His nostrils flared.

"You'll never be Hokage. You don't deserve the title in the least, and if you ever did become Hokage then the village would be ruined."

Naruto's anger was anything but fierce in those moments, Sakura's words cut him so deep. For the first time in years, he broke his nindo. He cried, and he couldn't understand why. For all his life he had never needed the encouragement of his peers, and in fact they, by and large, they derided him, giving him nothing but hateful words, and cold gazes.

He endured that; for years he endured and yet these two broke him in an instant. "Why?!" The word came out against his will, and as it did he knew he was asking more than why they thought he would never be Hokage. Why wouldn't they accept him?

"You're not mature enough. Being Hokage isn't about being respected, it's about protecting the village, and being strong is only one of those ways, but you don't care to see that. All you see is your own ideal of what being Hokage is." Sakura shook her head.

Sasuke scowled at the sobbing boy. "Get up you don't have anything to cry about."

"How can you say that when everyone gives you everything you want?" Naruto sobbed out.

Sakura felt a shiver run down her spine, and she felt slight killing intent coming from her crush. It was nothing in comparison to the likes of Kakashi or Zabuza, but it was tangible.

"My entire family was murdered by the man I once knew as a brother. They don't care about me, they only see my tragic past, and the former glory of a clan long since fallen from grace. I scorn their pity."

Sakura's eyes snapped to Sasuke. "What?" she stuttered out, "Your brother..."

Naruto inclined his head toward Sasuke despite the tears streaming down his face. "You're alone just like me."

"So what?" came the snarled reply, "You and I are nothing alike. You are a buffoon who keeps trying to get these idiots within the village to notice him when they want nothing more than for him to die. I want my tormentor dead, and you let yours walk all over you."

"Sasuke-kun, maybe..." Sakura trailed off under the heavy weight of his gaze.

"This is what he needs. Being weak will only get you killed in this life, and if he can't handle the truth then he has no reason to wear that headband."

There was a sudden noise as the air displaced and Naruto pounced on the Uchiha, the prodigious deflected the weight of the charge and used his hip to toss his attacker to the ground. He did not let go of the offending arm as he his idiotic teammate landed, instead, using it to force him into an armbar.

Naruto yelped in pain, "Let me go you bastard!"

"Shut up you little coward! You don't improve because you don't try, you want everything to be given to you like you thought I did! Well, guess what..." His eyes were aflame, "I work myself into the ground so that one day I can kill that man."

Sakura let out a whimper, madness was creeping into Sasuke's words, tainting them in sour vibes. "Sasuke, that's not a goal to ascribe to," she said weakly.

He turned from downed prey and looking murderously at the fresh meat in before him. "You're even worse than him, at least he grew up without a family. You don't have any excuse. You're lazy and weak-willed, and you think the little show that you and all these other girls are putting on will attract me to you."

"But..." she said dumbly, crumbling under the intensity of his gaze, and the ferocity of his words.

"But nothing. None of you little bitches ever took the time out to try and get to know me, all you do is stalk me. You get mad at Naruto for asking you out all the time, but turn around and do it the same to me. You're not in love with me," he was in her face now, the infinite darkness of his scowling orbs was replaced by the red fury of the Sharingan. "You're in love of with some ideal you have of me, and you just don't get it. I couldn't give a fuck about you or anyone else. My only goal in life is to kill that man, even if it costs me my life to do so. Of our aspirations only mine matters. I will never love you, and Naruto will never be Hokage."

Sakura too had tears streaming down her face. She ran from her crush, and the pain he caused her. It hurt so much,to hear those words from him. Had she really let herself ignore his feelings in lieu of her own?

Not giving herself time to ponder the thought she burst from the clearing, sprinting out into the village proper.

Sasuke also took his chance to make his getaway, leaving Naruto alone, just as he had always been his entire life.

Naruto didn't know how long he lay there, face covered in dirt and tears. 'I should've run,' he thinks to himself.

When the tears finally ran dry, he found himself wondering too the many spots that often brought him comfort. Firstly he trudged up to his hideout atop the Yondiame's head, and the view though beautiful, with the clouds ringing the village in a soft white that danced amongst the sea of the blue sky, he found it could not cure the ache in his heart, so he made his way to Ichiraku's.

He sat down and ordered a bowl of miso. While he would usually get three or more, he had no appetite for it, using the taste to remind himself of his place in the world.

As he ate he heard the flap open, and a voice called in, "Hello, have any of you seen Naruto?"

He recognized the person as Iruka-sensei. He smiled warmly and turned to greet him. "Oi Iruka-sensei!" He rushed to give the man a hug.

The scarred chuunin laughed at the rather rude greeting. "Naruto it's good to see you, but I don't really have time to chit-chat."

Naruto frowned. "Aww, what's so important."

Iruka sighed. "Sandiame-sama called me from my academy duties to find you. You know I'm the one that does so. Anyway, just go to see Sandiame-sama."

Naruto grumbled under his breath, but buckled down and did what he was told. He really didn't want to see the old man, not right now.

He arrival went smoothly, and within five minutes he found himself locking eyes with the Old Man. The man sometimes seemed so soft and gentle, and yet if what Sasuke and Sakura said was to be believed, he was also a ruthless leader.

'That can't be true can it?' He thinks to himself. "Hey Old Man," he blurts out before his elder can utter a word. He cringes inwardly, now for the first time noticing how awkward he can be. The Hokage only smiles.

"Yes, Naruto?" He questions politely.

The young boy in, turn scratches his head. "What does it mean to be Hokage?" it comes babbling out. "I mean I thought it meant being the strongest, but," he swallows at the next part, the bitter memory of the encounter running through his mind, "Sasuke and Sakura said that it's more than that and if I only believe in strength then I should stop trying to be Hokage."

In an instant, another first is brought to him as his psyche was nearly shattered when the full might of this man's killing intent is shoved upon him for a moment. He dies then, his heart stopping a hundred times over in ever increasingly gruesome ways.

He returns to reality and stares at the monster wearing the face of the old man. "They are correct. While I prefer to relish this peace I also use my strength to protect this allow, and I admit that I have at times I have often used measures that are violent. I order men and women to their deaths, and I have killed hundreds with my own hands." he paused and turned looking out toward the village. He wanted Naruto to be something of a grandson to him, yet he was about to kill his dream, if only for a moment. It would pain the child, but to build one must destroy.

"You are unfit to be Hokage. Your actions during your mission to the Land of Waves show that. You do not take commands well, you are soft-hearted. A Hokage is firm and unyielding in the face of the enemy. Mercy is for those who can afford it, and shinobi are not among those who can."

He fought the urge to comfort the child, and his eyes welled with tears once again. "I watched the exercise you performed with your teammates today, and I knew that you would want me to answer your question, after all, I am the one who wears the hat, I would know what it takes to obtain it," the tone dipped, "Those two have shared the feeling of life or death with you\. You held their lives in your hands, and they yours. They know you and you know them. You know that you are unfit to be Hokage, you know that Sasuke should give up on killing his brother, and you know that Sakura will never be with Sasuke. You know you are weak, yet you are unwilling to fix it. Why is that?"

There was a gnawing feeling in Naruto's stomach. He wanted to run from this. How could words be so painful? Each syllable cutting into his very soul. The shame that lay within the truth of those statements was suffocating. He needed an excuse, something to hide behind, but his mind was blank as those brown orbs bored into him.

"It hurts," he says pitifully. All he can focus on is the pain, something he cannot hide from, cannot dodge. It hurts.

Hiruzen nods, knowing the same pain that this boy feels, the pain of his own expectations, the pain of the hatred of others, the need to be better, and the frustration of not reaching the goal. Naruto was stuck looking the mountain's peak and ignoring the path to it.

"Good you have acknowledged the pain, and every time you feel it stop and think of what caused it, and correct the behavior."

"But-" he opened his mouth to bather another inane dodge, yet the village leader was having none of it.

"Do as I say." He intoned. "I've wasted enough time with this conversation. The reason that I called you here is my grandson. Konohamaru has taken a liking to you, and he refuses to listen to Ebisu-san, I've decided that you will work with him and his little friends on the weekends." The Hokage's tone broker no response. "Good. You are dismissed."

Naruto did not cry as he rushed from the office. He got home in record time and launched himself into his bed, making a shadow clone that took the form of his female sexy jutsu self.

She smiled at him, it felt hollow. "Do you love me?" he didn't look at her as he asked.

She flinched, clearly not wanting to answer, he knew what she would say. He was her master though. "No."

He growled ripping his cocoon of blankets apart as he did so and lunged forward grabbing her by the throat. She meowed out a yelp of pain. He gazed at her body lewdly, she was an extension of him, but if she refused to love him then he would take it out on her. Everyone else was out of bounds, protected by the word of the Hokage or the power of a clan. She was vulnerable.

Her body was nude by creation. Her lustful breasts, and her slender body. "You're not allowed to leave. I want you to act like a normal person, but you can't leave." He let her go and flopped back onto his bed.

She let out a sigh of relief. She only thought of him as he thought of himself, and deep inside he hated himself. Now she was a personification of the idol he hated. She cried.

IGSL

The tongue-lashing she received from Sasuke was eye-opening, her inner self-was not allowing her to believe any of it though. She loved Sasuke-kun more than anything in the world, and even if he had said those words to her there he could not have truly believed them then, could he? Surely he was only playing hard to get.

As Sakura meandered on lost in her own train of thought she was unable to avoid another person in her path. She collides with them rather violently, and they both spill onto the ground landing in a heap of tangled limbs.

Sakura realizes belatedly that she had run into a girl from her class, Hyuuga Hinata. The air to the prestigious Hyuuga clan, and a whispered failure. She had a crush on Naruto, so bad that she was unable to talk to him or around him. It was funny to most of them. She was a wallflower attracted to the most eye-catching (in all the wrong ways) person that anyone knew.

"I'm sorry." Sakura apologized quickly as she untangled herself from the mass of limbs on the ground.

Hinata only smiled as she got to her feet. "It's fine." her stutter was there, as tick as it always was.

Sakura accepted Hinata's nonchalance with a shrug and turned to leave, she and the other girl never spoke in the Academy with their differing interests. But as she the events of the day played once again in her mind she decided that maybe talking to the other girl would help her understand some of the things that Sasuke said.

"Hey Hinata, why do you like Naruto?" Hinata's face turned beet red and she let out an 'Epp'. Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. "Come on, did you really think that no one knew?"

Hinata tried to shrink into herself, and the pinkette kept her gaze locked on the girl. "Can we talk about this somewhere else?"

Sakura blinked and looked around, blushing as she realized they were still in the middle of a crowded Konoha street somewhere within the market district. While this was not something that was particularly dirty to talk about, Hinata was the heir to the Hyuuga clan and therefore any adults finding about her crush on the most hated delinquent in Konoha would not reflect well on the reputation of her clan.

"Yea you're right. How about we go to a dango stand?" Sakura asked/

Hinata poked her fingers together. "Sure," It did not really sound like she wanted to go with Sakura, maybe the girl was simply too timid to refuse.

Sakura grabbed hold of Hinata's arm and pulled her along, rushing through the thick sea of bodies that lined near every inch of the streets. It was midday now, meaning that most of the villagers were awake and about making their daily treks through the various stalls and businesses, purchasing this or that, unaware of the world outside the wall.

The smiling faces of the people around her made Sakura forget what she was doing. The sad visages of the starving poverty-stricken masses that inhabited Wave Country replacing them. She remembered the horror on their faces when they saw her headband, the mark that branded her a shinobi. They lost all hope and she was just another symbol of some greater power that would inevitably be destroyed by the utter might of Gato.

As quickly as the vision came it was gone. The smell of dango wafted through her nostrils, and she forced herself to relax. Her feet seemed to have carried the two girls to a small bar with a sign proclaiming to the masses they served dango.

On any usual occasion two preteens would never have been allowed to venture into such an establishment, however, they were shinobi. Many a shinobi younger then they lead lives that would bring even those with the most fortified disposition on life. Vices were natural and they helped some cope when nothing else could. It was frowned upon for one to enjoy boozing, whoring, gambling, or any of those other seductive pleasures, but time and words could not heal all, no matter how one wished.

They took their seats and were quickly served a plate of mitarashi dango each, along with a complimentary small jug of sake for their first visit.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm not old enough to drink," Sakura said to the waiter, who was an older gentleman in a black suit and chocolate brown hair, with creamy light blue eyes. He was not really old, just slightly older than Kakashi-sensei appeared to her.

The man smiled, his eyes lighting up with mirth, while at the same time seeming to pierce her ever soul. "I can see you are conflicted, whether it is something you have seen or done is not of note to me, it is paining you. We shinobi have to stick together, and this is the least I can do."

He left before she could get a word in edgewise. She huffed and stared at the jug. She was having nightmares about Wave. Questions plagued her every day, like 'What if Sasuke really died?' or 'What if Kakashi-sensei didn't block the blade that nearly killed me?'

She was weak and nearly paid the price for it, and Naruto saved them from her from that fate. It was not how her life was supposed to go, and the memories of the blood and bodies choked her in her dreams.

Hinata took her saucer and poured a small bit of the alcohol. Taking a deep breath Sakura followed suit.

"So Sakura-san what did you want to talk about?" Hinata asked, breaking the silence that washed over the two.

"I just wanted to know why you like Naruto," Sakura answered. "I mean what would the heiress to the Hyuuga clan want with that no name idiot?" A laugh punctuated the sentence.

Hinata's face turned an even brighter shade of red than before. "Sakura-san please do not insult him like that." she said with the ever-present stutter, yet managing to meet Sakura's eyes with her own. "You should be grateful that he even wants to be around you."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Come on Hinata, no one likes him, so why would you. You're next in line to take control of the most powerful clan in the village, hanging out with someone like him would tarnish your reputation."

The vein's around Hinata's eye's bulged outward grossly, signaling the activation of the dreaded Byakugan. This was the first time that Sakura had even seen the white-eyed princess act hostile in anyway.

"I would like it if you reframed from speaking of things that you know nothing of."

Sakura swallowed thickly. "I don't get it, why would you want to risk everything over him?"

"There is not everything," Hinata groundout in reply, voice dripping with resentment and anger -something so foreign to hear from the meek girl-, "You see power and love, all that you could ever want or need. It is a gilded cage, beautiful from the outside. Reputation means nothing, we are shackled by the expectations of others, and the burden of duty."

Hinata would have loved to slap the other girl, but it was not in her nature. Pain only gave way to more pain, turning to resentment, anger, and hate. She reached out and smoothly poured herself a touch more sake.

"You can do whatever you want. You're like royalty!"

The Hyuuga sighed staring down into her cheap drink. "And yet I can't be with Naruto." She brought it to her lips, silently relishing the burn of it as it went down, and the slight numbness that it spread through her body. "I envy your freedom. You chase after a boy who cares nothing for you, and scorn the one who tries to do what he can for you."

"He's an annoying untalented loser. Don't you get that?!" The other customers were starting to look at them. Neither paid it any attention.

Hinata stood from her chair, "No one likes you, in fact, Naruto is the only person that actively seeks you out. If you burn that bridge you'll have no one." She stormed out.

Sakura shrank into her seat, as she began to notice the eyes of the other patrons. She wanted to run, the judging eyes kept her in place though. Running would only draw their ridicule.

Under the intensity of their gazes, she finished her food and drank her sake, taking comfort in its warmth, using it to draw courage she walked out of the establishment.