Ok this story is my baby. I've been working on it (in bursts) for over a year now. It is essentially a oneshot that got very out of control (as in over 20,000 words out of control) it's still not entirely finished but with the show ending in a matter of weeks I wanted to get at least some of it out so here's the first of two (or maybe three) parts. Bear in mind it's still a oneshot at heart and I'm not entirely happy at having to split it at all, so that's why the ending is a little sudden. I'll be happier once it's reunited with its other half.
This is AU obviously, but sort of follows the show's events, however timing of said events and ages and stuff have been mucked around with.
xxx
"So I met this complete jerk at MacLarin's today," Ted tells her almost as soon as she enters the apartment.
"Really?" she asks, greeting him with a kiss, "What did he do?" knowing Ted he probably just insulted his hair or something but still – she's three days into a weeklong alien watching story on Metro News One and it means long, tedious nights interviewing loonies who think satellites and airplanes are UFOs. So (more importantly) she finishes work too late to go to the bar; she needs something – anything, from her friends.
"Well it all started when he came up to me at the urinal," Ted begins – and Robin can already tell this story's going to take a long time, "he told me some lie about his deaf brother and then said he was going to use it to pick up some chick. He then pretended I was his deaf brother when the girl came over."
"Did you tell her that he was talking rubbish?"
"Yes, in sign language – she gave him a fake number – he still doesn't know."
Robin smirks, Ted's good fun sometimes – she's got a feeling he's going to ruin this moment with continued rambling though.
And sure enough, "but seriously, what he said to me! He insisted he was going to 'teach me how to live' said he'd be my wingman."
"Did you mention that you were married?"
"Yes," he replies indignantly, "but he didn't pay any attention – he told me marriage was stupid, that given how pathetic I looked you were probably fat and ugly (especially when I said you were Canadian) and then he told me to wear a suit," he pauses for a second, "oh and he said my hair made me look like a lesbian."
Robin tries hard to hide her smile because, she's never noticed it before, but maybe Ted's hair is a little lesbian-y – she's not worried at all about the wingmanning thing, she knows Ted won't cheat on her, their relationship is far too comfortable and loving. She's a little more concerned about the fat and ugly comments but this guy clearly hasn't seen her or he'd never say a word like that again.
Ted rambles on for another half hour in intricate detail about the meeting and how much of a douche a guy in a suit is, she tunes him out content to listen to his voice in the background while she concentrates on other things.
It feels like just another night. If she'd know what this was the start of perhaps she'd have paid more attention.
xxx
Ted comes home the next day with another rant. Apparently the jerk guy was at the bar again. He'd walked straight up to Ted and told him off for still not wearing a suit ("As if I'd wear a suit," Ted moans, "what kind of idiot wears a suit to a bar? Suits don't even look good on people!" Robin nods with a look of amused sympathy.) and then promptly spent the whole night encouraging him to pick up women at the bar ignoring Ted's protests about being married ("He said marriage made you impotent and anyway it's not cheating if you're wife's not in the same room as you or as not hot as the chick you want to pick up.") After finally giving up on Ted he tried telling ridiculous lies of his own to get a woman to go home with him.
"Did it work?" Robin asks.
"After about the fifth time he got a drink thrown in his face," replies Ted dryly, "I suppose the law of averages has to work in your favour at some point."
xxx
The stories of the jerk at MacLarin's continue all week. When Marshall and Lily come round on Friday night they have their own tales of him to tell.
"He's disgusting, he spent the half evening describing the sex he had the previous night in graphic detail," says Lily in a tone which implies she may have been a little less disgusted than she's making out, "and the other making lewd remarks at me despite the fact he knew Marshall was my boyfriend."
"And then offered to wingman for me as well – in front of Lily!" adds Marshall
"He sounds like quite a character," Robin says.
The others nod in agreement.
"You say he thinks Ted's just making up the fact he has a wife?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Well either that or that you were really ugly considering how needy and lame and mediocre looking Ted is."
"He said I was a four! When, as we've all previously discussed, I'm an eight and a half."
"I'm pretty sure we said you were a six."
"Lily, I think I'd remember this sort of thing – we all, universally, agreed I was an eight and a half."
"We should get him back," says Robin before this pointless arguing gets too out of hand (Ted really can't face the fact they all rated him a six). At their general agreement she grins, "and I think I know how."
xxx
The first evening she's free to come to the bar again she arrives after the others, she's spent an extra half hour on her appearance and she's looking hot as all hell (if she does say so herself). As she enters she feels the eyes of the entire bar on her – but there's only one that matters – and it's not Ted either. From her seat at the bar she glances over at their usual booth to take a look at the guy she's been hearing so much about.
Her first reaction is surprise, when she had heard the tales of this man she'd always assumed he was a sleazy, red meat eating, middle aged guy but one glance at him proves her wrong. He's young – probably older than her and Ted but not by much – good looking, very good looking in a sort of 'boy next door' way, and the suits that Ted kept complaining about actually work for him. They're proper 'look I have way too much money to waste on these' suits which compliment his appearance and are cut so they accent his body in just the right places. But it's his eyes that she notices the most –they're bright blue and filled with mischief – if she had any doubts about running this trick on him they go away in an instant – this is going to be fun.
She turns her attention away from him quickly – this is all part of the plan – but she can feel those blue eyes focusing in on her; she hasn't not worn a wedding ring to a bar since she was nineteen and she'd nearly forgotten the thrill of being the centre of attention.
And, sure enough, only seconds later he swaggers up to her, "Hey," he says in her ear, making her jump – even as a shiver of excitement makes its way down her spine.
She recovers quickly, leaning forward and smiling suggestively at him, "Hello."
"Fancy a drink?" he asks, signalling Carl who, on cue passes her a vodka cranberry (urgh really?). Carl, who they've already let in on what they are doing to avoid any awkward situations, throws her a wink but otherwise doesn't let on that this is a ruse.
She picks it up takes a sip of the overly sweet alcohol and then looks him up and down, "Thank you, it's so nice to meet a gentleman for once," she doesn't miss the way his eyes light up as she seemingly falls into his trap, "I'm Robin."
"Agent Stins..." he begins before rapidly correcting himself, "Barney, I mean Barney."
"Agent?" she asks innocently (while not so innocently biting her lip and thrusting her chest forward).
His eyes flicker towards her cleavage, before he's back to being charming and a little anxious, "I'm sorry, it's just you're so beautiful that I forgot... I'm not meant to reveal..." he leans in close, "Can you keep a secret?"
She nods eagerly – making no effort to regain the personal space that he's just intruded upon.
"I'm actually I secret agent," he says, "you know, like James Bond, but with better suits and without a lame British accent," he adds when she doesn't look adequately impressed.
Robin resists the urge to roll her eyes (a secret agent? Really? That's the oldest lie in the book) and instead bats her eyelids and gushes "You are a spy? I bet that is really dangerous."
"Oh it is, I face dreadful dangers every day – ones you couldn't even imagine..." and he launches into a (blatantly fake) description of his typical day as a spy – which seems to take a lot of inspiration from James Bond, the Karate Kid and (oddly) Star Wars, "...it's all worth it of course, to save America from the Death Star. It's just it's such a lonely life being a spy. I wish just I had someone special, someone who I could trust with my secret life, someone I could love with the same dedication, strength, experience, good looks, well defined muscles and sexual stamina that I use when I defend our wondrous country..."
It's ridiculous, he's ridiculous, she can't understand how any woman could ever believe these lies. However, as he slowly but surely encroaches on her personal space, his smile still dangerously charming, the tips of his fingers running gently up and down her inner thigh, she has to admit she can understand why women go home with him.
She gently fiddles with the lapels of his suit, "You can trust me," she whispers seductively leaning even closer towards him, "I know the best way to relieve stress of your secret job, and let me warn you, I am like an animal in bed..." she lets him lean in this time, until their lips are barely a hair width away...
She pushes away – he looks at her, disorientated, "But your suits look cheap and ugly and you're way too blond, I much prefer casual wear and dark hair." And at that she flounces off (maybe a tad melodramatically, but hey, she's having fun) taps Ted on the shoulder and pulls him into a kiss. Ted immediately pulls her closer towards him and deepens the kiss.
After a few moments she breaks away to look over at a gaping Barney – his face is so gobsmacked that all four members of the booth burst into hysterics.
"That was awesome," snorts Marshall.
Ted nods, "I can't believe he thought he had you."
Barney looks at them, confused, for a second and then at Carl, who's not even bothering to hide his laughter, then determinedly makes his way over to the booth, "Ted, who is... this?!" Robin can tell he's one step away from asking if she's a hooker.
Ted smirks, "Barney, this is my wife, Robin. Robin I believe you've just met Barney."
Barney splutters for a second, and Robin takes great satisfaction that she's managed to render him speechless, "That wasn't very nice Ted."
Ted puts up his hands helplessly, still recovering from his laughter, "Hey, it was Robin's idea."
Barney glares at her, eyes narrowed, she feels like she's being scrutinised, "I'm not sure I like you, Robin Mosby."
But Robin just laughs, shaking her head at him, and offers to buy the next round of drinks.
Barney stays with them the rest of the night. He spends it sulking somewhat, continuing to glare at her childishly and making anti Canadian comments whenever the opportunity arises. When the topic gets onto Ted and Robin's upcoming fifth anniversary Barney snorts.
"You're aware that's five years of your life you're never going to get back?"
"You were telling me a few hours ago how hot you thought Robin was." Says Ted, unperturbed.
Barney rolls his eyes theatrically, "Yes, but you've already seen her naked, it's time to move on bro. Anyway," he quips, "I was talking to Robin – she's way too hot for you."
Ted huffs and Robin bites her lips to stop herself from smiling – because offending Ted is funny – and, well, being called hot is never a bad thing.
"Anyway," Ted continues as if there had been no interruption, "we're going to that little bistro on 47th Street in Brooklyn – you know the one with the blue French horn on the wall?"
"You mean the one that looks like a Smurf's penis?" asks Barney innocently.
Marshall and Lily groan in disgust while Ted begins a lecture on how Smurfs are actually asexual but Robin's too busy laughing hysterically to notice, "That's one lucky Smurf," she manages to snort eventually before bursting into giggles again. Barney smirks at her in satisfaction.
One day she'll look back and wonder if this should have been her first warning.
xxx
Barney continues to hang out with them. She finds she enjoys him being there – his lewd comments amuse her and his frequent attempts to hit on her and tell her that marriage is a waste of time are pretty much meant as a joke. He takes a little longer to be accepted by the rest of the group but – though they take his remarks a little more seriously – they warm to him as well. After all, Barney is so much fun to hang out with and adding a bit of crazy to a group of friends is never a bad thing (she also suspects that the fact he's a massive Star Wars nerd is a rather large part of why Ted and Marshall's accepted him.)
A month or so into their friendship Barney comes rushing into the bar with even more manic enthusiasm than usual.
"Ted, Marshall, one of you is about to have the most exciting time of your life!"
Both Ted and Marshall looked horrified.
"Imagine it – the whole evening spent doing constant but fulfilling exercise, all the hot sweaty bodies, rolling on the floor, showing you the distance and accuracy of my shooting."
"Um Barney," starts Ted, in a voice which he's fallen into using a lot of the time when he talks to Barney, "I'd like to remind you that both Marshall and I are in relationships... straight relationships."
Barney sighs melodramatically, although the glint in his eyes suggests he was hoping to be misunderstood in this way, "I was talking about going laser tagging."
"Isn't that for ten year olds?" asks Ted.
Barney glares at him, "No, Theodore, laser tagging is a sport of gentlemen, only for the manliest and most grown up of men – Boy Scout Troop 15 is going to be sorry they even attempted to beat me last year."
"Did they beat you?" asks Lily.
"It was a tie!" Barney insists, "So which of you is going to be my lucky partner?"
"No." Say Marshall and Ted simultaneously.
Barney looks almost shocked, "Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. What I am offering is going to be undoubtedly one of the most awesome nights of your life first we'll start off pushing..."
"I'll go," says Robin, Ted always gives her disapproving looks when she goes off to the shooting range so she's got out of the habit, but it's been way too long since she's shot stuff – even if this is just going to be ten year old boys with fake guns.
Barney brushes her off, "Robin I need someone competent on my team."
And in that second she goes from being mildly interested in playing to determined. The rush of a challenge egging her on like nothing else, "Please, I could beat you any day."
Barney regards her for a second, "Challenge accepted."
So that's how Robin finds herself fighting in a death match (well, almost) of laser tag against Barney Stinson – the Cub Scouts on their respective teams long forgotten as they stake each other through the arena. She beats him outright in the first game and is well on the way to beating him in the rematch he demanded ("I let you off easy the first time,") when he tackles her to stop her shooting him – her gun goes flying across the floor and his follows suit as she knocks it out of his hand. They end up tussling on the floor, guns forgotten, in a vain attempt to get the upper-hand – until there is a flash on both their vests. They look up to see a kid standing above them, smirking. In an instant they both lunge towards their fallen guns and chase after him until they have him cornered and crying (serves him right). The next game they work together to beat the Scout Troop – they're an awesome team and they totally beat the ten year olds to the ground (well, they so would have if they hadn't been kicked out after the loser parents complained about them terrorising their kids).
Afterwards they share a 'victory' drink at MacLarin's – the others have since gone home – and she's helping Barney scout out targets – because (tackling her aside) he's been such a good sport tonight (and, ok, it's fun).
"Blonde two o'clock?"
He considers for a second, quieter than usual, "No, the brunette at 4 o'clock," he says finally.
She looks at the girl Barney's chosen – she's his type, good body, vacant expression, hot – but she maintains that the blonde had bigger cans and a hotter body, "Are you sure?"
He nods and she doesn't argue any further (after all it's Barney, not her, who's going to see her naked).
One ridiculous but awesomely convincing story about all the babies and kittens Barney saved in a fire last week and the brunette's all over him.
Just before he leaves he comes up to her, "Thanks," he mutters.
"You're welcome," she says, eyeing the girl who is still staring at him like he hung the moon.
"No, not for her," he says, he glances at the girl again, "well, not just for her, thanks for an awesome evening. I had a great time."
She smiles, "Me too."
xxx
She hangs round with Barney more after that, both with the group and on her own. Not a massive, worrying amount, probably not even as much as she hangs round with Lily – and certainly not as much as she's with her husband – but she finds herself looking forward to their evenings together. Whenever she's with Barney she just has so much fun – as well as their regular laser tag nights he takes her to the cigar bar, clubs that she's sure they're too old for and one memorable night when they somehow ended up licking the Liberty Bell. In return she takes him to her favourite haunts; the Hoser Hut (although not before making him promise to not make any rude comments – he doesn't keep his promise – but he tries for the first five minutes) and the shooting range.
"Wow, I've forgotten how much fun this is," she says after shooting a round of bull's eyes and laughing at his own pitiful effort, "I haven't done this in ages."
"How come?" There's a funny expression on his face – not his normal mischievous one and it unsettles her.
She shrugs "I don't know, I never seem to get the time," she doesn't say the real reason Ted doesn't approve but one look at Barney and she knows he's seen right through her. The next second he's assuring her (completely inaccurately) that he's going to beat her next round and the moment is easy to put out of her mind.
"I don't know how you put up with him for so long," says Ted to her one night.
Robin just shrugs – because she doesn't think, "He makes me feel young and wild again," is an answer that will make Ted particularly happy.
xxx
The five of them are hanging round their apartment one night when Lily casually says "Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd, and the host said she knew you."
The others groan and roll their eyes, Barney smirks a little but doesn't look up from whoever he's texting (probably a booty call, but maybe something to do with his mysterious job), "What was her name?"
"Something beginning with S, Sharon? Shannon?"
Barney's head snaps up, "Shannon?"!" he says, too fast. He sees the others look at him in shock and he puts on a grin that isn't even slightly convincing, "Shannon, Shannon, no, don't remember any Shannon."
"Really? Well, she gave me this videotape to give to you," says Lily getting it out of her bag with a smug grin, that Robin finds she doesn't quite like, on her face.
Barney is up in a flash, "Give it to me Lily."
But Lily's too fast for him, she slots the video in the machine and presses play. Barney looks, for a second, between Lily and the TV, as if assessing whether he'll be able to stop them from watching, and then sits down in resignation.
Robin sees the panic in his eyes as the video stars to whirr. Any curiosity she might have had over what it contains is replaced by the thought of what would happen if her own embarrassing videos were discovered.
The tape is worse than she expected – sure he's not quite rapping about visiting malls – but he's singing, long haired, young, almost unrecognisable – begging this Shannon to come back to him.
They stare, open mouthed, at the footage for a few seconds, before Barney gets up, ejects the video, grabs it and storms out, leaving the rest of them sitting in shocked silence.
As they slowly recover the others seem caught between surprise and amusement that Barney used to be human, but she can't see the humour in the situation at all. It all hits too close to home – she understands changing yourself to get over pain – sometimes it's the only way to cope.
A few hours later, just as the others start worrying about him, Barney comes back into the room. The pain on his face now completely erased – his mask reset. He systematically goes around getting dirt on everyone else in exchange for his story (she figures out what he's doing quickly and manages to avoid contributing – just because the others have got something out of him doesn't mean they're finding out her secrets). The story ends with him having nailed Shannon tonight (with video evidence to prove it), him declaring himself awesome and going down to the bar. She gives him 20 minutes and then follows him down.
She finds him sitting on his own, surrounded by several glasses, staring at a couple at a booth
"Hey," She says as she reaches him. He jumps, clearly not expecting to be caught doing anything other than picking up women, "are you ok?"
He looks at her, "Of course I am, I'm awesome."
She gets a beer and sits down next to him. For a while they drink in silence.
"It's not that I miss her," he says finally, "I love my life, it's just... not nice to be reminded of the 'what ifs'." He pauses again, "I thought I was going to marry her."
She's never seen him like this, occasionally she thinks she's seen hints of the man behind the caricature but he's never seemed as human as he does now, "We all have dreams we'd never fulfilled," she says gently, "I wanted to travel the world..."
He looks up sharply, "Well then why don't you?"
She looks away under his scrutiny, he's making it sound so easy, but it's never just like that, "I'm married, I have a steady job, Ted wants to settle down."
"Robin, you have your whole life ahead of you. You can't let Ted stop you doing something you want."
"We're married, we have to do things we both want."
"You shouldn't let marriage get in the way of this," his tone is less jovial than usual, she thinks this is the most serious view on the topic of marriage she's ever heard him voice.
She doesn't know how to reply.
"I was 20 when I started dating Shannon," he says eventually, "that's too young to make any sensible life decisions."
She doesn't mention that she was 19 when she married Ted but she knows he already knows and it hangs between them.
He stares at her for a second or two longer before he twists his face back into a grin, "So, Robin, tell me, which of those two women over there look the most stupid, I could use your keen eye..." and she knows the conversation is over.
xxx
Sometime near Christmas Lily brings one of her teacher friends, Ellen, over to meet the gang ("She's new in town and wants some company – come on, she can't be as annoying as Barney,") on the condition Barney doesn't hit on her (he keeps this promise for exactly 83 and a half seconds).
The topic gets onto 'how we met' stories.
Lily and Marshall go first, of course, theirs is a carefully synchronised retelling, using words like 'destiny' and 'fate' and ends with everyone (except Barney) going "Awwww."
When it's Ted and Robin's turn Ted takes over the conversation:
"It was the third anniversary of Marshall and Lily's first date, and I was down at the bar wondering if I'd ever find someone for myself when I looked across the room. Right there was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Our eyes met across the room and she smiled at me and, right in that second, I just knew she was my 'the one'." (Barney starts miming hanging himself).
"Anyway, I asked her out a week from that night, but she was busy, so I took a chance and asked her out the same night. I took her out to this little bistro and with every word she spoke I could sense a deeper connection; she loved dogs (just like me), she could quote obscure lines from Ghost Busters and, most importantly, she hated olives," he then proceeds to explain 'The Olive Theory' to this poor woman (Barney rolls his eyes and scoffs the entire time).
"We went back to her apartment, and right there, while she was standing, looking beautiful, in the moonlight, I told her I loved her." Ted pointedly ignores Barney's (very loud) splutter of "WHAT?!" and continues, "We spent the night together, and the next, and the one after that. And, after three wonderful months, I just thought 'Why wait?' I got her landlord to let me into her apartment when she was out, sprinkled the whole room with rose petals, invited a string quartet over and proposed she said yes and – well the rest is sitting right in front of you."
The story might have ended in everyone going "Awwww," but Robin can't hear over the sound of the retching noises Barney's making. "Ted, Ted, look at me, no one knows they love someone because their eyes met across a room."
"I did, that's the story of how I met my wife." insists Ted.
"And no one tells someone they love them on their first date – that's just creepy – no one likes that."
"Robin did," he turns to her, "didn't you?"
Robin just smiles and nods, because – whatever, it doesn't matter if Ted doesn't know the whole story – she loves him now and she doesn't want to ruin his fancy image of fate and destiny bringing them together.
In reality she'd been in the bar that night because she'd had a massive argument with her father, he'd somehow found out she'd taken a career in journalism – not the economics degree he'd wanted (read: told) her to take. He'd phoned her up, told her, once again, that she was a disappointment – that he wished she'd never been born so she wouldn't keep troubling him. She'd told him she hated him, hung up the phone, grabbed her fake ID, and stormed out to the first bar she saw, prepared to relieve stress by banging the brains out of the first man who was interested.
But instead she'd met Ted, who'd said she was beautiful, took her out to a fancy restaurant and then told her he loved her. Of course she hadn't loved him back then, Barney's right, you can't fall in love with someone by just seeing them across a crowded room, but having someone care about her – to not know her awful past – to see her without her flaws was just so wonderful. She'd been swept up in the wonder of being loved, she'd never wanted it to end. When Ted had proposed saying yes hadn't been so much of a decision but a necessity, she couldn't lose him after all that.
And she'd grown to love him anyway, easily, by less than six months into their marriage, he was just so kind and stable and reliable and normal – he was exactly what had been missing from her lonely childhood and her chaotic teenaged years.
She doesn't regret marrying Ted one bit. Ok, so when she'd run into Jessica Glitter and her boyfriend and he'd joked "So you're the friend from Canada who got married way too young!" the smile she gave him in reply had not quite met her eyes, but that was because he had made it so obvious they talked about her behind her back. It was like Ted said (if overly sappily) 'being young isn't a bad thing, it just means you get to spend more of your life together' and a life with Ted was – is, so nice, so normal. There might have been some concessions – but isn't that what growing up is about? It's about realising you can't have everything and making the best of what you have.
"You know, Ted," says Barney casually, too casually, "there's a flaw to your story."
Ted looks at him, Robin looks too – a second too quickly, "Really Barney," Ted says, "and what is that?"
"Marshall likes olives." (An unexplained feeling of relief fills her.)
"What?!" shout Ted and Lily simultaneously – earning themselves annoyed glances from a few of the bar's newer patrons (the older ones have long since got used to the odd outburst like this).
"I saw him eating them last week," Barney smirks.
Marshall splutters his explanation (basically "I wanted to get laid.") and Lily forgives him instantly (of course), but Barney's still wearing a triumphant grin.
"See Ted, no relationship story is as nauseatingly perfect as you make it out to be."
For just a second she's sure she sees Barney's eyes flicker over to look at her but the next second they're gone and she thinks she must have imagined it.
Nothing more is said on the topic as the conversation veers off in other directions (and is eventually stopped altogether when Lily's friend storms off because she was over sensitive and Barney made one sexual remark too many). But Robin's been left with a niggling discontent, as if the whole evening has somehow awoken thoughts that she's kept away for years.
xxx
A week later Marshall proposes to Lily – of course she says yes without a moment's hesitation. They hold an impromptu engagement party in their booth that night. It is awesome (they're all there drinking to excess – how could it not be?), but – somewhere in the middle of it – she starts fixating on Barney – on how happy he looks at the news. He says he thinks it's a terrible idea of course, but it's clearly all a joke – it's so much more jovial than the comments he makes about her and Ted's marriage nowadays. She wonders if it's always been like this, or have his remarks about her and Ted become more serious? Why? Does he think something's wrong? But there's not, they're happy. He's wrong– isn't he?
These thoughts disturb her so she pushes them out of her mind – she's good at doing that.
xxx
A few days later she is the last to arrive at the booth – as she slips in Marshall and Lily are already in the midst of a disagreement.
"I just want to keep my name – it's my identity."
"Robin changed her name," Marshall argues belligerently.
"Yes, and that was her choice – and possibly only to make her name shorter, but Aldrin is easy to spell and pronounce and I want to keep it."
"Ooooh what was your name?" Barney cuts in as he leans across the table towards Robin "was it really lame and Canadian? Like Hoserwoman or Icemason?"
Robin rolls her eyes but doesn't put much effort into keeping the smile off her face, "No, it was Scherbatsky – sounded more Russian than anything."
"If it wasn't Canadian why did you bother changing it?"
Robin shrugs but, thankfully, before Barney can force her into an uncomfortable answer, Ted butts in.
"It's a mark of love and respect. Traditionally it is a symbol of a girl changing into a woman – a girl giving up her father's name and taking her husband's but in the modern age it is a symbol of commitment and..."
Barney's eyes glaze over even before hers do – and she thinks the subject has been dropped.
Of course she should have known better by now.
The next time she gets up to buy drinks she feels a hand on her shoulder – she turns sharply to find him behind her – just slightly invading her personal space, "God Barney how did you do that?"
He smirks in satisfaction, "Magic." But he is apparently not to be distracted from his quest, "So what's the real reason you took Ted's name?"
She shrugs, trying hard to keep calm, because Barney can smell vulnerability in a woman, "What Ted says, love, commitment, faithfulness, spelling – and the other stuff he was droning on about."
Barney looks at her, "Robin, please. I know you found Ted's explanation just as pretentious and lame as me."
She considers lying further – but really this is Barney, he'd know. Anyway, she doesn't mind telling him – she knows he won't judge her or run and tell Ted. "Fine," she looks down for just a second before smirking, "daddy issues."
For a second there's something else on his face before it turns into a triumphant smile and he punches his fist into the air as if he's five, "I knew it! That's so hot!"
And she can't help laughing. He doesn't question her further – and she's glad – she doesn't want to think back to the pit of hate that she felt for her father when she'd married Ted.
xxx
She comes storming into the bar, one evening, quickly ordering a drink
"Urgh Ted is so boring!"
"YES! Robin! That's what I've been trying to tell you for months!"
She glares at him, waiting for him to ask what the problem is.
He does, eventually, "What's he done this time?"
"So he comes home from work today and - you know the way he rambles aimlessly for hours about stupid stuff?"
"Constantly, for about nine years on end, forcing you to pee in a bucket and eat spiders to survive while you wait, so by the time he's finished you're probably in a coma of boredom and possibly dead. Yes, I've had the pleasure."
"Yeah, something like that. So he was talking literally for hours on end every day about this stupid building he has to design and how much he hated his job. So today I didn't bother asking him about it because he'd just say the same old rubbish."
"Sounds fair enough," and, because he's Barney not Lily, there's no sarcasm in his tone.
"But then he gets really pissed about it. Saying that's what I'm supposed to do when you're in a couple. As if I don't know how to act in a couple, I've been married for years!"
"You make that sound like that's a good thing."
"It's just he makes me feel like I'm useless at it all. Like I'm failing at being a good wife to Ted," like I failed at being a good son to my father, "like I can't do anything right."
Barney puts up his hand, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, firstly you're almost my equal at laser tag – just saying but clearly you're doing something right there."
"Pretty sure I beat you."
"Pretty sure I let you. Bro code article number 164: always let a girl bro win at laser tag if she's polite enough to wear a top cut low enough that it makes her boobs jiggle while running and holding a laser gun and... not the point... the point is that you're awesome – so awesome – and being normal and not wanting to listen to some guy drone on about his completely unawesome life makes no difference at all."
"But shouldn't I care more about it if Ted wants me to listen?"
"Why do you think you're in the wrong? Maybe he should be more sensitive to your needs, realise you don't want to talk about that." It's such a profound statement coming from Barney that it renders her silent for a minute.
Eventually she shrugs it off, "I guess it's both our faults really, I know he doesn't mean to make me feel like that. I should probably talk to him, tell him that I care about his stupid work as long as he doesn't drone on about it for too long."
There's a pause where she feels like Barney wants to say something serious, but then his face creeps into a grin, "Lying, I like it! Hey, you should do what I do, when you guys are being boring! Just sit there and smile and think about something awesome – like boobs. Then, when he wants you to reply, just say names of 80s sitcoms – 'Good Times', 'What's Happening Now', 'Different Strokes' – I find 'Doogie Howser M.D.' doesn't work quite as well though..."
"I'm not going to sit there while Ted's talking thinking about boobs Barney," but she's smiling.
"Suits then," he offers.
"No."
"Me!"
She bursts into laughter, hitting him lightly.
He smirks at her, "I knew we'd find something that works for you."
"In your dreams, Barney," she answers still giggling, even as she gets up, in a much better mood – to apologise to Ted.
"You're in my dreams constantly, baby."
She rolls her eyes but leaves with a grateful, "Thanks Barney."
He nods in acknowledgement and takes another sip of his drink.
xxx
They're all sitting at the bar together on night when Barney gets a phone call. He makes a great show of answering it, but they've all long since learnt to ignore him when he gets like this (after all it's almost every night). It's only when he starts to go quiet and gives monosyllabic answers to the caller that they start to pay attention.
When he finally hangs up they all look at him expectantly, "I might be becoming a dad," he says, "she's just going for a test," and orders three drinks and downs them fast.
A couple of hours later he gets another call, it's a scare. The others groan and wonder how Barney has, once again, managed to escape karma, while Barney expresses his jubilation and ideas for his brand new holiday 'Not a Father's Day'. She's pretty sure she's the only one who notices he orders one more drink than usual. That, for all his talk of the joys of singledom, he hasn't even tried to pick anyone up tonight. Sometime during the night he catches her staring at him, she can tell he's aware he's been caught – he doesn't bother to try to dissuade her from the notion.
She stays behind with him once the others leave. He doesn't say anything to her for a long time – just sips his drink and stares at her, looking a little lost – but she can tell from the look on his face that he's glad she's here.
"What would you have done if it had been positive?" she asks eventually.
He looks at her for a long time – not in annoyance but almost as if he's scrutinising her. Then he looks down and shrugs, "I have no idea," he pauses for a second, "I wouldn't abandon it though. I couldn't do that to it. I never had a father. I don't even know who he is. I used to want one so badly – someone to cheer for me when I did well at school, or to play catch with or give me advice when I needed it. When everyone else made father's day cards at school it hurt not having one," he laughs humourlessly, "I used to pretend Bob Barker was my dad, you know the host of 'The Price is Right' – or are Canadian TVs too primitive to pick up good TV?"
She rolls her eyes, but good naturedly – relieved that, even now, he hasn't quite lost his sense of humour, "It even runs in Canada."
"Good, because it's a masterpiece. Anyway, I decided he was my dad because when I asked my mom who he was she just pointed to the TV and said 'I don't know – that guy,' and it was so great to be able to think my dad was a celebrity rather that some loser that even my mom probably can't even remember the name of."
Robin snorts, "Trust me, you're not missing out on much, my father wanted a son, not me, he spent most of my childhood either ignoring me or telling me I was a disappointment." The words slip out so easily that she barely notices – it took her years to confess these things to Ted. Ted still doesn't really understand it – that sometimes the only way to escape with even some of yourself remaining is to put everything behind you and run away. Ted still goes on about reconciling and 'family is family' and other nonsense but Barney just looks at her softly and puts his hand on top of hers.
He lets out a low chuckle, "We're so messed up aren't we?"
Her laugh back is a hint genuine, "The most." She leans against him.
They stay that way for a good few minutes until he gets up to get them another round of drinks.
When he comes back it takes her another few minutes until she speaks again, "Do you ever think about having children?"
He hesitates, looking down and fiddling with his tie as a distraction, "I used to once," he says eventually – and she thinks he's probably telling the truth, "but not for a long time. How about you?"
Even though she should have expected the question she's still somewhat taken aback. She thinks about her own childhood, about her belittling Dad and her uncaring Mom, about their unstable marriage and the messy divorce, about how awful it was to be caught in the centre of it, about how she and Katie were used as weapons by their warring parents. She remembers knowing, aged twelve, that she could never do that to a child of her own.
She shrugs, "Sometimes," she says, "just having that kind of bond. Occasionally I think it would be nice."
"Do you see it with Ted?" he asks.
She's silent for a good few moments – not able to meet his eyes – because she doesn't want to tell him about the hints Ted keeps making, about the fear they cause – about the niggling sensation that it's not just about the loss of freedom or having another human being relying on her, "Ted's my husband." She says finally. She knows Barney's not stupid – he knows she hasn't given him a straight answer – but he doesn't comment on it and she gladly lets the subject drop.
Barney has another two drinks before he speaks again, "I'd make a terrible father. I'd muck my child up so much."
Robin thinks about her own father, about the way he only paid attention to her when he felt like it, how he made always her feel like a disappointment when she did something he didn't approve of – or just for being born the wrong gender. She looks at Barney – worrying about a child that doesn't even exist – determined not to be like his dad. Barney, who jokes and teases but has never once made her feel inadequate about anything (which is more than can be said for Ted). She can't even imagine her father sitting here quiet, worried about mucking up his child.
"No," she says, "I don't think you would."
xxx
"Robin, you are about to have the time of your life."
Robin looks up as he slides into the bar, glad for the company, but rolls her eyes at his melodramatic (as always) entrance to the booth, "When have I heard that before?"
He glares at her playfully, "And when have I been wrong?"
She considers, "There have been times..."
He smirks at her "You can't think of one."
"Well there was that time when you nearly got us arrested at the airport..."
"Which was awesome."
"...And that time you didn't manage to get us into Okay."
"Shut up – we went to Shut Up instead remember? And it was awesome."
" ...And when you took me to Tuckahoe Funland and we just ended up queuing for ages."
"I bought you cotton candy!"
"...And when..."
Barney scowls, "Robin just..."
She bites her lip to hide her smile, he catches her doing this and grins back, "Ok, which legendary place are we going to tonight?"
"Only the Gala event for the Grand Opening of Sharper Image's 500th store."
"That's what counts as legendary?"
"It has an open bar."
"You're right, that sounds awesome!"
He beams and jumps up and down in a way that makes him look about five.
"So where is this?" she asks as she exits the booth.
"The Willowbrook Mall."
She tenses up, stops in her tracks, "I just remembered, I can't make it," but the words come out too quickly.
He turns around, and she can already see the curiosity in his eyes, damn it, "I just have... that thing..."
His mouth twists into a smirk, "What thing Robin?"
"Just a thing, that I forgot about... until now," she's not even convincing herself, she can't believe she's letting him unsettle her like this.
He tilts his head to the side, "Really?"
She sighs, she's clearly fighting a losing battle, "Ok, fine, I just don't want to go."
He looks at her with interest, "Why?"
"I don't go to malls."
"What? Why not?"
"I don't, just drop it ok?" a foolish request if ever there was one, his eyes light up in anticipation of a scandalous secret – and the problem is there is one.
"Come on Robin, I won't tell anyone."
She snorts, because no one, never mind Barney, could keep a secret like this and she's not letting anyone know about Robin Sparkles; ever. She hasn't even told Ted.
"It's porn isn't it?"
"What?" she asks, bemused by the non-sequitur.
"You're not subtle Robin – I can tell by the way you're blushing – you can't even meet my eyes, you did porn."
"No I didn't."
"There's no need to be ashamed Robin," he coaxes, "any porn with you in it would be really hot."
"I didn't do porn."
"Sure you didn't," he winks.
"No, I actually didn't," at this point she almost wishes she did – because if anyone was to find out about Robin Sparkles it would be Barney – whenever Ted's asked her about her fear of malls she's been able to change the topic (normally with sex), with Barney this is simply not an option (or not one she wants to try at least).
"I know, that's what I said Robin," he winks again.
She frowns at him, "Ok so say, hypothetically, I did do porn," his face bursts into a triumphant grin, but she holds up her hand before he can say anything, "what has that got to do with malls?"
"You could have done porn set in a mall."
"Porn set in a mall?" she asks sceptically, "that turns you on?"
"It would work!" he defends adamantly, "You could be this hot Victoria's Secret assistant and the guy – let's call him Jack Package – comes in trying to find something to make his needy, ugly girlfriend hotter. But he can't picture what the lingerie would look like on her so you offer to model for him. And you come out in this hot red number – which barely covers anything – and show it off as the camera zooms in on the important bits. Then you return to the changing room but suddenly you scream – the bra clasp is stuck and you can't get it off, no matter how hard you pull! You have to ask for my help. I pull the curtain aside and rush to your aid, flicking it open with one nimble move of my hands – the bra falls right off you – revealing your boobs which are perfectly round and perky and..."
"Yeeeah, that didn't happen," Robin interrupts – waving her hand in front of his face – because he's staring off in the distance with a vacant expression.
"It happened Robin, no matter how much you try to deny it," Barney insists, "and I'm going to watch every piece of Canadian porn I can lay my hands on until I find it." And he runs out of the room frantically, presumably to get started.
Robin rolls her eyes fondly at the space he was sitting in moments ago, amused by his determination but dreading, just a little, that something else might come up in his searches.
xxx
"200!" Barney announces as he bursts into their apartment one Friday evening, brandishing a piece of paper.
"Damn I thought I'd locked the door," says Robin, barely looking up from her magazine.
"You did, I just have these," he jangles a copy of her keys in front of them.
"We didn't give you keys!"
"Heh, yeah, but I know a guy."
She glares at him, "Bit of a security breach isn't it?"
He looks at her, "Please Robin, at GNB I've assisted in breaching the security of three rival banks and the FBI, I could get past your flimsy lock with a hairpin. Anyway, that is not the point, I have an announcement to make, where's Ted?"
"Coming home from work and Marshall and Lily are meeting us as the bar later."
"But this is important news!"
"Tell me then."
"No! I need to tell everyone."
"Ok," she says and turns back to her magazine.
"Fine, I'll tell you," he says, after about a second.
Robin puts the magazine down and looks up expectantly.
"I, Barney Stinson, master of all things awesome, blessed with stunning good looks and enormous penis has now, wait for it... slept with, wait for it... 200 women!"
"Eww." Says Robin, monotonously.
But Barney is undeterred, "And I can prove it to you too! Look here's my list!" and he thrusts a piece of paper in front of her face.
Curiosity getting the better of her she takes it from him, looking through it for familiar names.
Barney provides a running commentary as she looks through, "...that one was completely crazy, that one slept as me twice – once as Barney once as Larney, that one had a hell of a rack – I'll show you the picture of those – I mean – her in my scrapbook sometime, that one thought I was a billionaire, that one fell for the SNASA..."
"Barney, has it ever occurred to you that these women aren't actually as stupid as you make them out to be?"
"Robin, as convincing and genius as my plays are, I think it's probably a given that the women who fall..."
"Who says they fall?" she snaps, surprising even herself with her sharpness, "has it ever occurred to you that you're not as good a liar as you think you are?"
"Robin, if that was the case I'd be in jail – for perjury, multiple times."
"Has it not occurred to you that these women, like you, might just want an easy fuck?"
He looks at her and there's a glint of something dangerous in his eyes, something that terrifies and excites her all at once, but then it's gone, "What do you mean Robin?"
"I just mean that you're good looking, confident and charming, maybe they just want a one night stand too."
"Ha! I knew it!"
"Knew what."
"You're hot for me!"
"No, no I'm not," she has to make a conscious effort to meet his eyes.
"You so want this Robin, you want me bad."
"Not after you've just given me a list of all the hundreds of women you've slept with."
"Whatever makes you sleep at night Robin, just remember, I'm always up for it," and there's that same cockiness, that same smug grin that he always has on when he hits on her (which is about three times a week, often right in front of Ted) it's a joke, like it is every time, but there's something else there too this time, something that makes her pulse race and her body tighten.
She's immensely relieved when Ted comes through the door.
"Hi Robin, what are you doing here Barney?"
"Ted, Ted, I have some incredibly important news!"
"I have some too, actually."
"Mine's more important," Barney argues.
"No it isn't," says Robin.
"It totally is!"
Robin turns to Ted, "I've heard his news, it's lame, your news has to be more interesting unless it's that you found another old penny on the subway."
"That was interesting, but this is more important."
"It's not as important as mine!"
Ted sighs, "Go ahead Barney."
"Your wife has the hots for me!"
"What? No, I don't! That's not your news." She protests, a little too shrilly.
"Oh yeah, I slept with 200 women too, but this is the more pressing factor. She said how much she likes my body."
"I said your plays weren't convincing."
"Come on Barney," says Ted, rolling his eyes, "I think I know Robin well enough to know she has better taste than to like you."
"You're right bro," says Barney, "she's completely not thinking about our naked bodies entangled on your bed right now, handcuffs around my wrist, whip in her hand..." he winks.
The only reason the picture comes into her mind is because he suggested it, she quickly pushes it away, "Your news Ted?"
"I've been offered a promotion."
"Congratulations!" she says at the same time as Barney says, "Told you it was boring."
"But, the job is in San Francisco, we'd have to move in about six weeks."
"For how long?"
"A year, for now, but it could be extended or I could be moved somewhere else, maybe out of the States. I mean I don't have to accept it right now, I get to visit in a few weeks before I make my decision and, of course, I would only take it if you're happy with it."
She thinks about how she left Canada to travel and only made it to New York. She imagines living in another city, maybe even another country, about the experiences she'd wanted to feel and the people that she'd wanted to meet, that maybe now she could...
"Yeah, let's do it!"
"Are you sure, I mean your job..."
"I'm a journalist, there's news everywhere, I'll find a new one."
Ted smiles at her, takes her hand, "Ok, we'll do it!"
After that they make their way down to the bar to meet up with Marshall and Lily.
The evening's one of celebration, she hasn't felt so excited in a long time, they promise to keep in contact with their friends and visit frequently and, of course, not miss a moment of the upcoming wedding.
When she goes up to get another round Barney follows her.
"You make sure to send me a postcard," the cockiness is gone from his voice now, his smile is genuine.
She smiles back, "Sure, Barney."
"And not some lame one. One with..."
"...Some hot chicks on, preferably topless ones, I know."
"That's my girl," he grins, "you really ok with all of this?" he asks after a pause.
"Yeah," she says, "I really am, I've wanted to get out of New York and visit some new places for a while now."
He beams, "Good, I'm glad," then, more quietly, "I'll miss you."
"We've still got over a month to go," she says, "but yeah, I'll miss you too."
"Feel free to sext me whenever you're lonely."