Welcome to tonight's shot. This Cladam fluff is dedicated to missindegrassi who requested it.
Legal: I own nothing but the idea.
Stuff to know before reading:
*This takes place in season 11 about a month after returning to school.
*Clare and Jake did not get back together after the wedding Jake is with Alli.
*Eli is dating Imogen and Drew is still with Katie.
*This is all in Adam's pov.
*This fic deals with the eating disorder Anorexia Nervosa which I have no personal experience with. It contains possible trigger warning. Eating disorders are dangerous and if you or someone you know might have an eating disorder I encourage tou to get help.
Hate Watching You Wither
"I have to use the washroom before we start on the presentation," Clare says standing up.
I nod and she walks off to the washroom. Since we'd come back to school I'd been very worried about her. I didn't see too much of her over the summer, right after prom she was over a lot. Mostly just to be out of the house I think but also to be with me since I'd been shot at prom. I think she felt out of place though because Drew was always around, he'd barely left my side all summer feeling guilty about me getting shot. He only left when Katie commanded him too, which she did just about any time Bianca was here. Clare and Bianca are about as opposite as two people can get and Clare would almost always excuse herself away when it was just us and Bianca. The most awkward was her and Eli here together. They'd barely talk to each other let alone look at each other and Clare was still pining after Jake. He had spent summer at his cabin, and had an impromptu party there after Glen and Helen's wedding. Clare went up with Bianca and found Jake and Alli together, so Clare ran. She was found by some pot smoking college students and they gave her a ride back into town.
I wasn't there but Drew told me later that Alli and Jake were dating, Katie and Marisol had gotten drunk and Drew couldn't stand Marisol even more now. The only thing I heard from Clare in the few days before school was that Jake was ignoring her, while Alli seemed to feel guilty about being with Jake and was trying too hard to make it up to Clare. We've been back at school for just over a month now, Jake and Alli are still dating and Eli's been with Imogen for a month. Clare works on the school paper, she's taken up swimming and spends a lot of time in the weight room and while she swears to anyone that asks that she's fine I know she's not. I know she's not but she won't talk to me, or anyone and she barely spends time with anyone anymore. I practically had to beg her to come over to work on our project for world history.
When Clare's in the washroom my stomach growls so I stand up to get a snack. Clare's backpack is on the floor, my foot gets caught in it and trip spilling out some of the contents. A bottle of pills rolls out and I look at it, a white and blue bottle with a lot of writing on it, little tiny writing except the name of the pills: Eternally Thin it says and under that: RU-268 Diet Pills under that in smaller writing it says: The Pounds Melt Off & Stay Off and in little tiny writing it says to read the warnings only I don't see any warnings in English on this bottle.
"Clare what are these?" I question as soon as she's out of the washroom.
"Adam you went through my stuff?!" She accuses angrily while deflecting my question and my brother chooses this exact moment to come home from Katie's house. He walks in the door, sees Clare all miffed and gives me a look that says he knows I'm in trouble.
"I tripped on your backpack and they fell out now why do you have diet pills?" I question again.
"There's only one reason anyone ever has diet pills Adam," she shoots back.
"Clare you don't need to lose any weight," I assert while Drew goes about making himself a snack.
"Yes I do, I used to be rail thin and I put on a lot of weight last year. You've seen pictures of me Adam," Clare responds.
"You were skinny once?" Drew comments. I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it came out it'd just that my brother doesn't think before speaking, or really doing anything. It also doesn't help the situation.
"See," Clare says pointing at Drew like his opinion is everyone's.
"Clare you don't need to lose weight your body changed it's part of growing up y…"
"I'm fat I know I am," she replies storming over and grabbing her backpack and the bottle of pills from my hand.
"Some guys like girls with meat on their bones," Drew speaks up. He didn't mean it to sound insulting, I'm pretty sure, but it did. I shoot him a look and Clare grabs her stuff and runs out.
We both watch her run out the door, I wonder if I should go after her but I learned from Eli it's better to let her cool down for a minute. So I punch my brother in the arm as hard as I can.
"What did I do?" Drew complains rubbing his arm.
"Next time I'm having an argument with someone, especially a girl stay out of it."
"What did I say?" Drew questions.
"You pretty much called her fat Drew and while I doubt very much that Clare values your opinion she already thinks she's fat. I have no idea why because she's not. Just keep your mouth shut okay? I'm going to take the car and go after her," I tell my brother and leave the basement.
Clare couldn't have gotten far but I don't see her anywhere and no one is at her house when I go there. I wait a while but Helen is the first one home and tells me that Clare decided to sleep at her dad's that night. I return home and try to call her but she doesn't answer and I spend all night worried. Drew offers to call and apologize but I doubt that will help. I barely sleep that night because I'm caught up in thinking about Clare and when I get to school the next morning I'm exhausted.
"Whoa you look rough, bad night?" Dave asks coming into the broadcasting booth for our morning radio show.
"Yeah sort of, I was worried about someone and couldn't get to sleep," I tell him.
"Well let's see, it can't be Eli he's been doing pretty good and seems pretty happy with Imogen. Your brother is doing good as far as I know. Wait it's Clare isn't it? She has been acting pretty strange since school's been back but despite what she says it's got to be weird for her to see her former boyfriend turned stepbrother and her best friend together," Dave remarks.
"Yeah I'm sure it bothers her," I nod. Maybe that's why she thinks she's fat, maybe she's trying to attract Jake again. Although that wouldn't make much sense because Alli's not really much skinner than Clare. Besides I'm fairly certain that Clare is over Jake at this point, she doesn't really talk to him or Alli but she seems to be over him.
Dave and I start the radio show and I concentrate on that and push my concern for Clare to the back of my mind. I see Clare in class and she's smiling but any time I ask her about last night, try to apologize for Drew or bring up the diet pills she changes the subject. So I drop it but decide to watch her closely.
"You want to eat lunch together? We can go to The Dot," I suggest when second period is out and the lunch bell rings.
"Sure, we have some work to do on our project anyway," she comments.
We walk to The Dot and I order a full lunch but Clare only orders tea. I give her a look for it and she tells me she ate a big breakfast and isn't hungry yet. We don't have either of our afternoon classes together so I don't see her until after school when she comes over to work on our report for history. Drew knew she was coming over and decided it was safer to eat dinner at Katie's. I offer for Clare to eat here but she says she needs to get home for dinner, she doesn't eat anything else at my house either and I'm really starting to get worried. For the rest of the week I watch her closely, I never see her eat, not once but I find her in the weight room at lunch working out or swimming in the pool. I never see her taking the diet pills either but anytime I offer her food or offer to eat with her she says she's not hungry or that she has to do something.
"If you don't want to spend Thanksgiving at home I'm sure you could come to my house," I comment Friday afternoon as we leave school for the holiday weekend.
"Thanks but I'm spending it with my grandparents and Mom's going with Glen and Jake to his parents. Alli's going too since her family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving," Clare says.
"Just promise me you'll eat something," I tell her.
"What does that mean?" She asks defensively.
"I haven't seen you eat anything all week Clare."
"You haven't been with me every second of every day Adam and anyway it's my body it's none of your business what I do with it," Clare seethes at me and storms off.
"It is when what you're doing is dangerous," I say quietly as I watch her storm down the street.
I don't hear from her at all that weekend and when we get back to school she looks thinner. So I watch her again, I watch her all day and when she refuses to eat lunch with me I follow her to the weight room. I start lifting dumbbells and watch Clare on the elliptical machine. The only other people in the weight room right now are Owen and Kyle, another guy on the football team, and Kyle is spotting Owen while he lifts a huge amount of weight.
Clare works out for thirty minutes at a pretty fast pace, she drinks a lot of water but never slows down. Owen has stopped weight lifting now, since Kyle left a few minutes ago when Owen was done. Owen is sitting on the weight lifting bench and he's watching Clare. I can't tell if he's watching her out of lust or worry. When Clare steps off the elliptical she drinks some more water, then she holds her hand to her head, falters and grips the machine. Owen and I both hop up to catch her just as she begins to fall. She never entirely loses consciousness but her eyes close and she groans.
"Clare? Are you okay?" I question.
"Yeah I'm fine just got a little dizzy getting off the machine. I was working out pretty hard and my legs were shaking," Clare tells us while Owen takes her wrist and feels her pulse then makes a face.
"Your pulse is pretty erratic," Owen tells her.
"Like I said I just overdid it with exercising," Clare says.
"Yeah well I still think we should get you to the nurse," Owen asserts. Given how worried Owen is about Clare makes me that much more worried.
"Yeah come on I'll take you to the nurse," I say putting her arm around my shoulders and my arm around her waist.
I walk her to the nurse and we tell her what happened but the bell rings and the nurse tells me to go to class. I worry about Clare for the rest of the afternoon but when I see her after school she says she's fine. She tells me the nurse just thought she was dehydrated. I know she couldn't have been dehydrated because I saw her drink so much water. Jake is going to Alli's for dinner so I text Drew that I'm taking the car and taking Clare home.
"You really don't have to drive me home Adam," Clare says as we're walking to the car.
"You basically passed out in the weight room I'm not letting you walk," I assert unlocking the car. We drive in silence to her house but the drive only takes a few minutes. I park out front and make sure she gets up to her room.
"Adam I'm okay honestly but if you're that worried then you're welcome to hang out and do homework. At least until my mom gets home, trust me you don't want to stay for dinner," Clare comments.
"I want to see you eat," I reply.
"Not this again, Adam I eat I'm just watching my weight. I need to lose some weight."
"But you did lose some weight Clare and you looked beautiful before. You don't need to lose weight Clare."
"Yes I do Adam. I'm fat, everyone thinks so."
"Clare that's not…"
"Clare," Helen calls up the stairs cutting me off. "Clare the school called and said you were ill," Helen comments and opens the door seeing me in Helen's room. "Oh hello Adam, Clare needs to rest I think you should go home now."
"Yeah sure, I'll see you tomorrow Clare."
I wave to her and leave the house. For the next couple of weeks Clare does her best to avoid me, and pretty much everyone else. She doesn't eat lunch with anyone; actually she disappears on her lunches. She begins to wear baggy clothes so you can't see how much weight she's lost but her face gets thinner and thinner. She seems to be tired a lot, very tired and yet she still works out like crazy and I never see a crumb of food pass her lips. And when I type all this into my search browser one morning the thing that comes up frightens me.
"Dude why are you looking up anorexia nervosa?" Dave questions when he comes into the broadcast booth.
"Because I'm pretty sure Clare has it," I reply.
"You think Clare has an eating disorder?" Dave questions and I nod. "Scary, but she has been looking pretty think lately, and sick."
"And pale, and tired, and she never eats, she's moody, she even passed out in the weight room and Owen said her heart rhythm was erratic. She's got pretty much every symptom and sign on this list, she even wears baggy clothes."
"Okay so talk to her," Dave says.
"I have, I've tried talking to her a bunch of times but she gets defensive and snaps at me. Or she changes the subject. She's been avoiding me, her other friends, her family, everything."
"Okay Adam calm down, you want me to handle the show this morning?"
"No let's do this I'll figure out how to help Clare later, if I have to kidnap her and take to the hospital myself."
"Why don't you and Clare come to my house after school? We can confront her together, maybe find out what's going on," Dave suggests.
"Great but how do we get her there she's been avoiding everyone even me."
"We trick her of course," Dave grins. The bell rings and we go off to class, Clare is in class, wearing a hoodie and baggie jeans.
"Uh did I miss when Clare became a gangster?" K.C. questions coming into class.
"She's trying a new look," Dave shrugs. When class lets out Dave and I catch her in the hall. "Hey Clare we were hoping you could come over to my place after school," Dave tells her.
"Oh I uh…" Clare begins to think of an excuse and I cut her off.
"We were hoping you'd give us some insights for tomorrows show. We wanted an intelligent girl's opinion and truly intelligent girls at DeGrassi are seriously lacking."
"Uh sure, I'd be happy to but just for a little while I have a lot to do."
I still try and watch Clare for the rest of the day but she disappears at lunch and we don't have afternoon classes together. I do find her waiting on the steps for Dave and I after school however. The three of us take Dave's car to his house and go into his room.
"You guys want a snack?" Dave asks as we start putting down our stuff.
"Yeah I'm starved," I nod.
"I'm not hungry," Clare shakes her head.
"Make yourselves at home I'll be right back," Dave says. He returns a moment later with a bowl of chips and a bowl of baby carrots, something light and healthy but Clare won't even look at it.
"So you wanted help?" Clare asks.
"Actually we wanted to talk to you," I tell her and she shoots me a look standing up.
"I'm leaving," she says moving for the door.
"No you're not, you can't keep going like this," I say firmly grabbing her arm. It's frightening, her arm is so thin, I can feel her bones and it feels like I could rub her skin right off. "This isn't healthy Clare you're going to kill yourself," I exclaim pulling her sleeve down showing her arm. It's just skin stretched over bone.
"Shit Clare when was the last time you ate?" Dave questions.
"I'm fine," she replies.
"That's not what he asked."
"I can't eat, I don't need to eat I'm fat."
"You're joking right? Clare there isn't an ounce of fat on you," Dave comments.
"Leave me alone, both of you just leave me alone you don't know anything," Clare says ripping her arm away from me.
"Fine then eat something," I assert holding a carrot to her lips.
"I'm not hungry," she shakes her head again.
"Clare we will not let you out of this room until you eat something," I inform her.
She takes the carrot and very slowly moves it toward her mouth. The closer it gets the more disgusted she looks, she barely even gets the carrot within six inches of her mouth and Clare throws it down.
"I can't," she says but her voice is weak.
"Clare you have to eat something, this isn't healthy and you're not fat," Dave tells her.
"YES I AM," she screams but the effort to scream so loud in her weakened state seems to break her.
She passes out, I catch her before she hits the ground but she begins shaking. She's having a seizure in my arms and it's terrifying to watch.
"DAD!" Dave yells. His dad must have had an overnight shift and been sleeping because he runs in wearing only pajama bottoms.
"Dave call 911," his dad instructs.
Clare stops seizing but now she's unconscious and she won't wake up. Dave's dad takes the phone when Dave is talking to 911. He tells the operator he's an officer and they need an ambulance, and that Clare had a seizure and her pulse is thready. Turner takes off Clare's sweatshirt and we see how truly frail she's become, like a living skeleton and it's frightening and disgusting. It breaks my heart to see her this way and I want to know what started all of this? And why didn't I see it?
An ambulance arrives and they take Clare away, Dave's dad says he'll get dressed and take us to the hospital. I call Clare's house and Jake answers so I tell him Clare's in the hospital. We get to the hospital but all they'll tell us is that she's conscious and being examined. When Clare's family arrives we tell them what happened at Dave's house.
"Well that just doesn't make any sense why would she pass out and have a seizure?" Helen inquires.
"The school called not two weeks ago that she got dizzy you should have taken her to the doctor then," Randall speaks up. He arrived at the same time as Helen, Glen and Jake so they must have called him.
"Because I think she's anorexic," I tell them before they begin arguing.
"Don't be ridiculous Clare is not anorexic. She's been on a diet because she was getting a little chubby."
"She was not she…" I stop when a doctor comes in. "How is she?"
"Resting right now, we're giving her fluids, electrolytes and that's just for a start. She was extremely malnourished, by her own admission she's lost over 40 pounds and fifteen of those pounds was in the last thirty days. She's been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and she'll need to start treatment right away. It won't just be a couple days either, it will be at least two months of in hospital treatment followed by several more months of therapy and close monitoring. Most importantly she will need support, lots of it."
"Can we see her?" I ask.
"She's resting now but you can go in for a few moments. I need to speak with the parents, all the parents but the rest of you can go in."
Dave's dad says he's going to call his wife and Dave can come in to see Clare. The doctor gives us her room number and we go back. She's lying in the bed, hooked up to an IV and lots of monitors, she's even receiving oxygen. He eyes are closed but when we open the door her eyes also open.
"Hey how do you feel?" Jake questions.
"Not so good, they said I'm very sick. I haven't eaten anything in so long my body was dying," she begins to cry.
"But you're getting treatment Clare and it's going to be okay. You're going to get better and all of us will help," I tell her sitting on the bedside and holding her hand.
Clare nods and wipes a few tears away, she closes her eyes again and none of us says anything. After a couple of minutes the doctor comes in and tells us it's to go. For the next two months I spend every afternoon at the hospital with Clare. At first she barely she wants to see me and we just talk about school or books or how her parents are driving her crazy. I bring her all the well wishes from people, mostly Dave, Jenna, Alli and K.C. but some from my brother and Bianca even Owen.
And then Clare slowly starts to open up, she tells me about trying to buy a new swimsuit during the summer. The size that used to fit her was too small, she felt fat. The feeling got perpetuated when she saw pictures of Jake with skinny girls at the lake. Then her mother began remarking about her weight gain in the last year, comparing her to Darcy who was always very skinny. It all built up in Clare's mind and she became obsessed with the idea that she's fat. At first she knew it was irrational but it didn't matter. The obsession grew, the more weight she lost the better and the more disgusting she felt. It came to a point where she just couldn't stop and though a part of her knew it was unhealthy and dangerous she couldn't stop. She's been in therapy since being in the hospital and it's helping her see how it was wrong but it could be a lifelong battle.
Clare is released two days before Christmas and I help bring her home. She's doing a lot better; she's stronger and eating food. There's still a long way to go but she's not alone in this fight and she knows that. After a welcome home dinner with her family we go up to Clare's room.
"You've been at my side for everything Adam, you always have and I couldn't have gotten through this all without you. Thank you for always being my strength," Clare smiles when we're alone in her room.
"I'll always be there for you, I love you Clare," I confess sitting next to her.
"I know. I felt it every time you came to see me in the hospital, every time you looked at me, every time you held me while I cried. And I love you too," Clare says with a smile and then our lips collide in a tender and passionate kiss of love.