It's been a month since Mount Weather and Clarke could still see the effects on the 47 that were there. She saw the effects on herself when she looked in the mirror. The sleepless nights were catching up with her, the dreams were so vivid. She still remembered the sight of their skin blistering and the sound of their cries has haunted her dreams since their first night back at Camp Jaha, which was now called Arkadia. She knew she wasn't the only one with nightmares. It's wasn't uncommon to be woken up by screams filling the hallways of their living quarters. They didn't talk about it, it's was an unwritten rule that they never bring it up, that they never ask. Clarke had been sitting in her room for the last hour trying to prolong having to go out and see the faces of her people that she saved. A constant reminder of the lives she took.

She knew she wouldn't be able to hide in her room forever so she pulled on her jacket and walked into the hallway and decide she should probably eat. She wasn't hungry, she was actually rarely hungry anymore, but she knew if she didn't she would be hovered over and she hated being hovered over. They treated her like she was going to break at any moment. They didn't know that she was stronger than she used to be, they all were. The ground strengthened them all. The fight for their survival before the rest landed molded them into warriors. They were no longer the kids that they sent to Earth. They had been leaders on the ground for much longer than the people of the ark had been here, and even though they've stripped them of their leadership, they weren't just citizens anymore.

Clarke made it to the end of the hall and she could hear the normalcy of the mess hall. Well it wasn't really a mess hall anymore; it was more of a mess hall with an open garage right next to it where the rovers from mount weather were always being tended to. Monty caught Clarke's eye as he waved her over. She wasn't in the mood to be around anyone, but they've been there for her since the beginning. They should never have to suffer for her inner demons. She gave him a small smile and head towards the table he was eating at.

"Hey Monty" Clarke noticed he, like everyone else, had lost the spark in his eyes. Like her, he carried the weight of the people from Mount Weather on his shoulders.

"Hey Clarke, your mom has been hounding me to find you and for both of us to head to the Chancellor's office" Clarke sighed. She didn't feel like talking to her mother today. She had been trying to convince her to get back with helping in the medical bay for the last 2 weeks. Clarke shook her head.

"Let her know that…" Clarke was trying to think of an excuse.

"You're going over grounder information with the guard?" Monty helped.

"Yes! That." She gave him a genuine smile, "Thanks Monty."

He gave a mock salute but she could see the beginning of a smile. Clarke turned and headed towards outside. It didn't take long before the sun was beating against her skin. The contrast from the light generated inside the Ark and the sunlight outside during the middle of the day would cause you to stop mid step to try and let your eyes adjust. Clarke squinted and looked around the camp. Octavia was by Lincoln where he was showing some of the citizens what they could plant to help in having a more sustainable food source. She continued to scan the camp and could see Bellamy pulling off what looked like a guard's jacket. Clarke walked towards the tower where he was bent down to pick up the rifle and saw him slide it over his shoulder.

"Bellamy." He turned and looked at her over his shoulder.

"Clarke." He no longer carried the tone of a commanding leader like he did when they first got to the ground. His stance was no longer one of confidence, he always looked defeated now. She knew she probably looked the same way to everyone else. He turned around to completely face her.

"Did you join the guard?" Clarke motion to the jacket he had folded over his left arm.

He shrugged, "I figure it will give me something to do." his eyes flicked straight to hers. His yell she heard from his room last night played in the back of her mind. She knew all too well what he was going through. They had pulled that lever together and that wasn't something you could just let go of.

Clarke shifted from one foot to the other she sought the comfort of the only person she felt could understand her. She looked for anything to talk about just so she didn't feel so alone, "My mom's been looking for me. I wish she would stop. She keeps trying to get me back in the medical bay, but I don't think I want to do that anymore. Everything here feels so out of place now. It's weird to look at this place as home." He stared at her, "Am I crazy for wishing we were still back at the drop ship?" She chewed on her bottom lip.

He shook his head, "No." He tried to give her a small smirk but it didn't live up to the ones he had given her before, "But I was never one for rules, remember?" His head turns towards a whistle. Clarke looked over her shoulder and saw Pike waving Bellamy over. "I've gotta run."

She nodded, "Yeah go ahead, and I'll catch up with you later."

Clarke watched as he walked off before switching into a jog. After Mount Weather their dynamic changed between them. They both had their own demons that they were fighting and sometimes, and as selfish as it sounded, it was nice to know she wasn't alone. They never talked about what they did; sometimes they didn't even talk at all. But they would sit outside when neither of them could sleep and just sit in silence while looking at the sky.

"I can't believe he joined the guard" Clarke turned and saw Octavia staring after her brother with her arms crossed. Octavia looked like a true grounder now, but it suited her. Clarke saw that Octavia finally felt like she fit in somewhere. Octavia had already made it clear she didn't want to come back, but Lincoln wouldn't be welcomed back with open arms so they were forced into Arkadia with the rest of them. Octavia had never been a fan of the guard but after their unwillingness to work with them while they tried to get their people from Mount Weather, she now despised them. "The old Bellamy would have never become part of the guard."

Sometimes Clarke thought Octavia forgot that she was on the outside of the mountain. That she didn't see the faces, she didn't know their names, and she never pulled that lever. "He's just trying to find something to keep his mind busy Octavia." Clarke bit my lip knowing what that what she was about to say was a lie, "He's still the same Bellamy."

Octavia looked at her, the knowledge that Clarke was lying evident on her face. "No he's not. Neither of you are." She dropped her gaze and headed back to Lincoln.

"Clarke." Clarke groaned, I knew that voice without having to turn around.

"Yes mother?"

"I need you to come to my office."

"I'm really not in the mood to ta-"

"Now" Abby didn't yell, but the sternness in her voice stopped Clarke mid-sentence. She wondered what could possibly be so important.

"Fine"

Clarke brushed passed her walking towards her office. She hated who her mother had become while she was Chancellor, she wasn't there anymore. The only things that were there were Dr. Griffin and Chancellor Griffin. Once Clarke was inside she stood there with her arms crossed.

"Clarke take a seat" Abby pleaded.

"No, I'm fine thanks" Clarke tried to look everywhere but her mother's eyes. She didn't want to see the absence of understanding. All she saw nowadays was frustration. Frustration that she wasn't getting back to normal and that she wasn't helping out in the medical bay.

"Clarke you've got to start getting back to normal. I've let you mope around for months; it's time to start putting some normalcy back in your life."

Clarke scoffed, "Normalcy? I'm so sorry that I haven't bounced back to what you consider normal life. You haven't been on the ground for more than three months and yet you want to sit here and tell me to get back to normal? You never even saw the inside of Mount Weather, you didn't see as your friends were drilled for their bone marrow and you sure as hell never saw peoples bodies and face become covered with blisters as they screamed and cried because of something you did. You didn't pull the lever that ended the innocent lives of the kids in that mountain." Her vision was blurred by unfallen tears. "You don't get to tell me to get back to normal; you sat there debating on letting my friends die because you didn't have the leadership to do what needed to be done. I was left with that decision and I did what I had to do, and now my friends are here safe and sound but they will never be back to normal same as me. You have no right to ever talk to me about normalcy again." The tears finally fell, "Bellamy was right; on the Ark we never had to worry about anything. We were privileged, but down here we're all the same. It's time you realized that chancellor."

Clarke could hear the rushing in her ears. Those weren't sad tears she shed, those were angry tears. She stalked out of her mother's office, Abby's objections falling on deaf ears. How dare her mother say that to her, she felt betrayal creep up into her chest. It was then that Clarke felt truly alone. Her father was dead and for all intents and purposes now her mother was too. While Clarke felt the last bit of connection she had with Abby fall away, she knew that it didn't matter. Clarke knew that her true family was who she spent all her time protecting and leading since they landed here. The people who looked out for each other, that was her family. It was amazing that a group of delinquent kids could figure out how to run a successful camp, yet the leaders of the Ark were failing miserably in every single way.

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed it, if you did then leave a review and let me know what you like or disliked about it. I always try to take the feedback into account as I write.