Divided We Fall
Chapter 1 You Are My Sunshine
A/N: This is the third installment from "Redeeming Olivia" and "When I Lay My Baby Down", if you haven't read those this will be about as clear as mud. Read those, read this and for those of you who have been reading….BREATH! LOL
They rode in absolute silence. What more can one do after burying their seven-month-old son? Elliot turned the blinker indicating he would be turning right into the driveway of their home. He couldn't help but notice how bleak the house looked knowing he wouldn't be playing with his son tonight…or ever again.
Placing the Mustang Olivia prided herself on buying to protect their son, Isaac, in the event of an accident, in park; he turned the vehicle off and attempted to open the car door when he felt her hand grab his and her faint voice grind out a raspy, "No."
He interlaced his hand with hers bringing it to his lips and kissing it softly, "We're gonna make it Olivia." He assured her unable to see what her eyes spoke behind the dark lenses of the sunglasses she used to mask her tears during the funeral.
She starred down into her lap giving his hand a gentle squeeze, barely able to get her whisper out, "I miss him."
Elliot swallowed hard, "So do I." He tried to comfort her pulling her to him and kissing her head gently but knowing her heart was refusing to be comforted. "We need to go inside Liv."
She sat up quickly shaking her head left to right, "No, please, I can't."
He hated to see her beg, "Liv-"
"NO!" she said forcefully then crying softly and wiping a tear she begged again, "Please don't make me."
Elliot shook his head softly understanding why she wouldn't want too, "Okay." He said in a whisper taking her back into his chest as they sat in silence in a driveway to a house they recognized as theirs but didn't feel like home anymore.
"Cragen sent a team in and cleaned up," he told her trying to talk about anything, knowing the current situation was the only thing on both of their minds, "It looks good."
Olivia embraced him tighter leaning over the divider of the bucket seats, "We haven't seen Casey and Paul."
"Cragen said they're still in the hospital."
"Can you take me please?" she whispered sitting up and looking at him.
Elliot turned his body to face her more squarely in the muscle car. He extended his hands to her face as she leaned into his caress needing to be touched, affirmed and if nothing else she just needed to know that she wasn't the only one in pain. Gently, Elliot removed her sunglasses revealing puffy-red eyes stained with smeared mascara and shakily placed eyeliner. Placing them in a cubby of the car he noticed she was starring down fighting tears again.
Elliot tipped her chin forcing her to look at him as he brought his lips tenderly against hers. He kissed her tentatively at first, knowing she was in shambles, but more confidently when she rested her hand on his cheek, kissing him back with a need to feel alive again, a need to be free from the hell she'd just walked into.
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"We're here to see Casey and Paul Novak." Elliot said offering a weak smile to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry," she replied sympathetically, "They're both still in ICU only family is allowed."
"I'm her sister." Olivia spoke hoarsely and suspected that when the older nurse saw her red eyes she simply gave up.
"Let me get the doctor." She smiled softy and returned with a female doctor in green scrubs.
"Follow me." She said softly taking her to the room, "I was under the impression she didn't have family other than her husband," the doctor spoke softly to Olivia indicating that she had a suspicion Olivia wasn't exactly blood…but what was blood anyway?
"How is she?" Olivia ignored the doctor's questioning look and managed to speak with a coolness that surprised even her.
"She suffered tremendous blows to her head and spine." The doctor spoke softly, "She woke up last night…the pain she's in…is unbearable even for the strongest person."
"Prognosis?" Elliot asked resting his hand on Olivia's shoulder giving a soft squeeze.
The doctor took a deep breath, "She hasn't spoken to us so we haven't told her anything but it's not good…the CAT scans show no sign of brain damage, so that's promising."
"But?" Olivia whispered softly.
"We have her in a stabilizer but…I'm sorry," The doctor shook her head, "She may not walk again."
Olivia bit her lip trying to hold back her falling tears, "And her husband…how is he?"
"Still in and out of consciousness but not showing signs of coma…that's good." The doctor assured her, "He lost a lot of blood but we got the transfusions in time, several broken ribs and a broken wrist but ultimately he is one lucky man. His wife is very lucky too." She said signing a form in a metal file and handing it to a passing nurse with a smile.
Olivia narrowed her brows almost insulted at the doctor's remark, "She may never walk and you call that lucky?" she spoke incredulously.
The doctor looked at Olivia and Elliot realizing they had no idea how lucky Casey was, "Ma'am," The doctor's voice was soft almost friendly in spite of Olivia's harshness, "You're sister may never walk again, but at least she'll hold her baby."
Elliot looked at Olivia to see if she was just as stunned as he was; and from the look on her face he knew she was. She furrowed her brows, "She's pregnant?"
"Yep…looks like about three weeks." The doctor smiled, "The goal right now is going to be to assess the damage to her spine and get her moving around…she's going to have to get strong quick to deliver." The doctor looked down retrieving her vibrating pager from her belt, "I'm sorry I have an emergency…please go see her…but know that she's in a lot of pain and we can't give her much of anything because of the baby."
"Does she know she's pregnant?" Elliot asked.
The doctor smiled and rubbed Olivia's arm, "She will when her sister tells her."
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Seeing a machine breathing for one of her best friends wasn't really what Olivia needed at the moment but she put herself through it knowing Casey would need someone, and knowing she didn't want to return home until she absolutely had to. Elliot made his way to Paul as Olivia sat softly by Casey taking notice of the steel fixture that had been drilled into her skull to keep her spine from moving.
Her face was pummeled and swollen. Olivia pulled the blanket a little higher over her battered body and thought she'd felt Casey's hand graze her own but discarded it quickly knowing someone in her condition couldn't. She had awakened the night before but was still on the breathing machine, which meant she wasn't able to breath on her own.
After tucking the blanket snuggly under her body keeping her as warm as possible Olivia looked up to see she had opened her eyes and was starring at the ceiling. Olivia took hold of her hand and looked directly over her face so she didn't have to strain. "Casey, can you feel this?" Olivia asked stroking her hand gently. "One blink for yes, two for no." she offered quietly.
Casey's eyes screamed emotions that Olivia wasn't sure she'd ever known before. Slowly Casey closed her eyes once and then opened them indicating that, yes; she could feel Olivia's hand against hers.
Olivia smiled faintly and looked up motioning for Elliot to come over. "She's awake." Olivia whispered.
Elliot smiled stretching his body over hers as Olivia had previously, "You know Casey," he smiled softly taking her other hand and motioning to the fixater, "If you wanted a tiara Olivia and I would have bought you one."
It was faint, but Casey tried to smile and then her eyes searched for Olivia. She furrowed her brows looking at her intently and Olivia knew exactly what was going through her mind…Casey Novak was already preparing her case in her head.
"What is it Casey?" Olivia asked softly and then smiled feeling Casey pulling softly on the hem of Olivia's shirt, using the slightest movement of her index and thumb as she starred silently at the white abyss above her. Olivia watched as Casey's fingers contorted slowly as if they held a pen.
"Pen?" Olivia asked. And then watched as Casey closed her eyes once indicating 'yes'.
Elliot retrieved a pen that rested by the phone and pulled out his notebook thinking it odd that he'd carried it to his son's funeral. Handing it to Olivia he watched quietly as the two friends communicated.
Olivia placed the notepad gently under her hand waited until she grasped the pen and very slowly started to write as Olivia read the letters out loud, "P…A…U…Paul." Olivia finished seeing no need for her to write more. Then checking her eyes that indicated 'Yes'.
Elliot smiled, "He's doing great Casey, he's sleeping in the bed right next to you couple broken bones but he's gonna heal up just fine." He assured her seeing the pen move again and hearing Olivia read the letters, "I…S…A…A" Olivia's heart sunk knowing Casey was asking about her son. Before Elliot cold respond with the truth Olivia cut him off, "He's doing great," her own words slicing through her heart as she tried to give her friend a reprieve form the guilt she knew she would place on herself, "He's at home in his crib." Olivia whispered feeling Elliot's eyes on her but unable to meet them.
Knowing Casey couldn't see her too well she took a chance and wiped a tear as she watched the pen move, "D…R…U…G, Drugs?" Olivia offered and then felt a tiny smile creep over her lips knowing the reason she couldn't have any of the good stuff.
She leaned over catching Casey's line of sight, "Honey," Olivia smiled, "I talked to the doctor's and it seems you've been holding out on Elliot and I."
Casey furrowed her brows searching between both of them wondering how on earth they could be smiling. "Casey," Elliot hovered over her, "Sweetheart, you and Paul…"
Olivia finished, "Are Pregnant." She smiled and even caught herself laughing seeing the small smile and weak 'Thumbs up.' She gave before moving the pen again. Olivia looked at the scribble and felt her already broken heart shatter all over, "Isaac will have a friend." She whispered and then shook her head agreeing with Casey just as they heard a labored groan from Paul.
"Casey, Paul is waking up," Olivia told her, "We're going to go talk to him okay?" she watched for her blink that gave her permission to do so.
Olivia and Elliot stood next to the bed watching Paul open his eyes slowly wincing at the newfound pain he'd discovered. His voice was weak looking at the two, "Where's…Casey?" Elliot smiled at him, "Well, hello to you too."
"Casey." He reiterated ignoring Elliot's try at humor.
"She's in the bed next to you." Olivia assured him taking his hand softly, "You feel like a Mac truck hit ya?" she teased gently trying to forget her own pain.
Paul groaned touching the patch of gauze that covered the knife wound in his chest, "Two or three of them."
"Isaac?" he moaned.
Olivia tried to smile but the tears fell and she shook her head slowly left to right. Elliot watched as Paul's face began to contort and his eyes misted over as he muttered out a harsh 'sorry'.
Elliot bowed his head to his ear, "This is not your fault!" He assured him firmly, "But Olivia needs to tell Casey when she's ready okay?" he asked him fighting his own tears. Paul shook his head agreeing to keep silent.
"Favor?" he asked feeling he had no right to do so being the person responsible for loosing their child.
"Anything." Elliot responded.
"Push me over." He whispered pointing towards Casey's bed. Elliot shook his head knowing what it felt like to need to be close to his wife. Elliot joined him on the other side watching for chords and monitor feeds before slowly inching the bed closer to Casey who had no choice but to strain her eyes at the commotion.
Olivia straightened out the chords, and double checked all of Casey's machinery looking for anything that might interfere with her breathing, when she was confidant there wasn't any she watched her two friends silently as Paul reached slowly across his bed to hers and took her hand into his whispering, "I love you Casey."
As Olivia picked up the pen and notepad she noticed the single tear that fell from Casey's eyes, wiping it softly she whispered in her ear, "Rest…we'll see you tomorrow."
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They found themselves in the same situation starring at the house when they parked the car in the driveway. Elliot got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side opening the door and helping her out. She held onto his belt as she casually let herself fall in behind him, she didn't want to be the first one to go inside.
When Elliot pushed the door open and withdrew the keys from the doorknob she took a deep breath stepping into the house for the first time since they had returned from their trip. She was grateful to Alex for having gone back and retrieving clothes for both her and Elliot. She avoided looking down the hall not wanting to see the nursery door even for a second.
Looking around, one wouldn't be able to tell that two of her friends were almost beaten to death in her home or her son was kidnapped. Everything was properly in its place; the coffee table had been replaced. Why? She didn't know, nor did she care. She lowered herself slowly onto the couch catching sight of the picture she had framed of Elliot asleep, feeding Isaac in the house office, with case files strewn about him. She picked it up running her fingers over the image of her son before Elliot softly took it out of her hands and kneeled in front of her.
"I know your hurting." He whispered feeling stupid for having stated the obvious, "I love you." He told her as he came up on his knees and kissed her gently then found himself a little surprised when she caressed his face in her hands and kissed him back.
Not exactly sure why she needed to, not exactly sure if he would, but positively sure she felt guilty for what she would ask him, "Make love to me…please?"
Elliot pulled back gently understanding her need to feel connected to something, anything. If he told himself the truth he would admit he felt like a leaf being tossed in the wind connected to nothing with no landing in sight.
He complied with her request silently as he kissed her softly along the length of her neck as he took her hands into his and stood her up slowly. She turned her back to him pulling her hair to the side as he slowly unzipped the back of her dress caressing her flesh with his tongue and lips as he followed the zipper, stopping just above her bottom. He placed his thumbs gently on her spine and extended his fingers sliding his hands back up her back and over her shoulders letting the dress fall.
Olivia toed her heels off and turned to feel his lips on hers again. She needed him like a desert needs the rain; she needed him to seep into her, to fill the cracks and holes that had just become her life. It wasn't a manner of want, not this time. This time, it was a manner of need, of some sort of desperation to be where she was before her world collapsed.
He kissed her tangling his hands in her hair as he rubbed his thumbs along her cheeks. She ran her hands along his body surrendering to his tongues desire, before allowing his suit jacket to fall to the ground. He pulled her close to him letting her know that in spite of the pain they were in, they wielded a power over one another that rendered each other desirable…no matter what the situation.
She ran her fingers along his tie and then pulled gently away form his lips. She inspected the knot knowing it wasn't her work and it defiantly wasn't Elliot's. Getting ready for Isaac's funeral was a blur and she didn't remember him asking for her to bail him out.
"Who?" She whispered softly while she slowly untied it.
Elliot rested his forehead against hers as she unbuttoned his shirt, "I didn't want you to have to worry about it…Cragen helped me." He whispered as she shook her head acknowledging what he was saying and pushing his shirt off of his shoulders before running her hands back over his abdomen and releasing his belt.
Olivia looked up to see his misty blue eyes as she unbuttoned his slacks and slowly brought the zipper down as she whispered, "I'm scared I won't be able to handle loosing him."
Elliot toed his shoes off and stepped out of his pants once they fell. He kissed her forehead and held her against him feeling the surprising warmth of her body, "You don't have to be strong Olivia, not this time."
She pulled softly at his boxers allowing them to fall. He stepped out of them and asked softly, "Where?"
She shook her head, "Here…I don't want to go down the hall."
He kissed her, tasting the salt of her tears against his lips as he lowered her gently onto the couch, pulling away to look at her, "Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked supporting himself so he didn't suffocate her body.
"I need this." She shook her head affirming her own words as she arched her hips allowing him to pull her panties down as he held her gaze his own eyes misting knowing her heart was dying, knowing that tonight she would die in his arms.
He pulled her up gently kissing her as he unhooked her bra, softly kissing the flesh underneath. While she normally savored feeling the gentleness of his mouth against her and the tactile feel of his hands over her she needed him now. "Elliot-"
He raised his head to see her starring at him, her eyes begging to be connecting with him. He laced his fingers with hers and pinned her hands softly on either side of her head, "I know." He whispered rubbing himself into her surprised she was ready for him. He rocked his hips back and watched the tears seep out of her closed eyes as he entered her.
They were silent as they responded to one another through the softness of a kiss, the gentleness of a caress. She wrapped her legs around his body pushing him further inside of her needing him to revive her, needing him to make her into the woman she was before they lost their son.
He felt her tighten her grip over his hands and turn away from him as he moved within her. Tonight he would let her avoid his gaze; tonight he would do anything to take her pain away. He moved faster, falling into her as deep as he could push himself as she came biting back her cries, not sure if they were cries of passion or cries of mourning.
He moved slower watching her breathing just as he came inside of her holding back his own cries as if this specific moment were sacred. He tried to roll to the side but she refused to loosen her legs from around him, she wrapped her arms around his neck drawing him close to her.
Feeling himself getting weaker from supporting his body over her, he whispered almost out of breath, "It's okay to let me go Olivia."
"No." She sniffled and tightened her hold.
He reached up prying her hands from his neck as he looked at her, "It's okay Olivia." She released slowly allowing him to roll to the side, careful not to fall off the couch. He pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and extended it over her as he held her watching her fight sleep until she finally lost.
He stood to his feet, careful not to wake her, as he pulled his boxers on. He picked her body up as slowly as possible as she nuzzled into him. He kissed the top of her head as it relaxed against his chest. He took her through the hallway he knew she wouldn't walk if she were awake and carried her into the room. He balanced her body as he pulled the comforter down and placed her gently into the comforts of her bed. Pulling the blankets up he kissed her check and slid in next to her embracing her tightly.
"Elliot." She mumbled through her sleep.
"Hmm?" he responded rubbing his thumb along her waist.
Half awake and half asleep; she nestled her body even closer to him as she exhaled over his chest catching a sob in her throat, "It hurts."
Elliot blinked back a tear knowing exactly what she was talking about…it hurt. He kissed her lips, and offered her the only thing he could, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…"